Diary of a Reluctant Rich Girl
by The Phantom Alchemist
Summary: Samayu Yojin has issues. And a certain blonde idiot host she despises is taking an interest. But the scars on her wrists and psychological torment she suffers proves she can't resist help for long... Will the Host Club be able to save her? Will Samayu get a happily ever after? Will she even survive long enough to get one? M for language, blood, themes such as cutting, rape, suicide
1. Will You Listen to my Story?

It's not that I'm scared of people or anything. I'm not. People just always tend to abandon me when I need them most. It's better for me that I don't get close to people. It's easy enough to be a social recluse, too. Especially if you're rich.

I come from a family of extensive wealth. My grandpa hit the jackpot on oil a billion years ago or so – you know, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth – and my mom had her own fashion empire by the time my dad married her. We're something like the eleventh richest family in the world. That's the last time I checked, about five years ago. I'm not really interested in rankings like that.

Dad was amazing. I don't know why anyone wanted to kill him. But they did. Somebody blew up the room he was holding a conference in and he died, instantly, alongside twelve of his coworkers. Fourteen others were severely injured. Of those fourteen, six died in the ICU and two are still in comas. And they never found the guy responsible.

But anyway, like I was saying, it's really easy to disconnect from society if you have money. You don't need to interact with people. You can buy everything you want to entertain yourself so that you don't need other people. Sure, you have to get through the occasional dinner party, but all you have to do is smile and nod like you know what everyone is talking about and you get out of those just fine.

School is a different matter. I was tutored privately right up to my father's murder, but after my mom met this guy – a really successful doctor with his own chain of hospitals, the second-largest in Japan – and married him, he decided it's be better for me to be with kids my own age and sent me off to some horribly stuffy rich kids' school called Ouran Academy. I hate rich kids. I know that seems weird, since I am one, but they all are seriously awful. I hate dressing up nice all the time and speaking properly and eating rich food. I'm the type of girl who prefers a pair of sweats and some ratty converse and the occasional hamburger. I'm not sure most of those kids even know what a hamburger is, and I'm positive none of them own a ratty pair of anything like I do.

Dad let me live my own life. And I chose comfortable clothes and normal food most of the time, not fancy dresses with heels and gourmet food smothered on fancy dressings with names I couldn't pronounce. Mom doesn't approve. Heck, she's glad I'm going to Ouran. She thinks they'll drill some of that good old proper rich girl crap into me.

The uniforms are hideous. I hate yellow, and that's what the girls' dresses look like. They flare unattractively at the knees and have puffy sleeves. And don't even get me started on the damned white tights and the Mary Janes. Oh, god, the shoes. It physically hurt me to wear them. Seriously. My feet bled. They just rubbed in all the wrong places.

People there don't like me. I don't like to be social, as I've said before. I've had friends before, sure... but they all up and left me when Dad died. It was just too uncomfortable for them to be around me. So I don't approach people anymore. There, I'm the freak with the died auburn hair and scary gold eyes who paints her nails black and wears thick, long bracelets to hide the scars on her wrists.

Did I mention I cut?

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

I am a freak. A cutter freak.

So will you judge me too? Or will you listen to what I have to say? Because I have a story. And it desperately needs to be told.


	2. Surviving High School

**I didn't introduce this story in my first chapter, so here I go!**

**This is my first Ouran fanfiction and I'm telling the story a little differently than I usually do. Samayu Yojin - your sassy, cynical narrator - keeps a diary filled with what she thinks about people and events. Some of the story will be told that way. Other times she will be narrating directly, and then there will be times when the story is told in second person around a separate character *cough*Tamaki*cough*. I'm sorry. There appears to be some sarcasm stuck in my throat. I would love ideas, if you've got any, because I've got an idea of where I'd like to go with this but am still trying to work out how to get there. After this, the chapters will get hopefully longer. Especially because Samayu gets in some direct narration next chappa!**

**Disclaimer: I own none of the following. Ouran, Naruto, Sebastian Michaelis, a pony, Mushishi, Grelle Sutcliffe, sanity...**

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Diary excerpt – Day one at Ouran

_Do all rich kids have no capacity to understand that there a just a few things that are sacred? I mean, take libraries. Aren't those supposed to be, you know, silent like the mind of God or something? Apparently not at Ouran. The school has _four _of them and I swear, you couldn't have found a peaceful spot in any of them no matter how hard you looked. So I didn't._

_My first day was awful. It's not that people weren't nice to me, because they were. But I am only too aware that they'd been instructed by their parents to make friends with me. I came from a family with such _connections_, you know? We run a fashion empire, a global oil company, and a chain of hospitals bested only by the Ootori Group. By the way, I looked up the list of richest people in Japan and the world this morning. My family is eighth richest in Japan and thirteenth richest in the world._

_Phonies. Posers. Fakes. I hated them all. They all smiled and tried to talk to me, but their eyes betrayed that they'd rather be anywhere in the world but talking to me. I gave them a few lines and then made up some excuse so I could stop talking, and they'd scurry away, relieved._

_I was so grateful the uniforms had long sleeves. It was ridiculously hot, but I refused to roll them up. Refused to let people see that there were scars up and down my arms._

_The teachers were nice, too, and I could tell it wasn't the sort of phony nice everyone else was using on me. Homeschooled rich kids are common enough, and teachers always worry about how well they'll adapt to a classroom and other students. I actually liked the teachers. No lie. Even my trigonometry teacher, and I hate trig._

_Some of the students stood out to me. There was one freak walking around in a black cloak and wearing this creepy hand puppet that looked like a cat. I heard he's a third year. At least I'm not the only weird one around. There was another guy walking around with hair redder then my died color, and it was totally natural, and he had it in dreads and also wore the scariest expression I'd ever seen. I recognized his name when I heard it, though. He was the next head of the yakuza syndicate. I kept my distance._

_All day, people looked at me like I was a freak. So what if my hair was died, and so what if I had colored contacts? I liked my hair red and I liked my eyes gold._

_I kept hearing stuff today about a host club. I'm not completely sure what that is, but I have no intention of finding out. It just interested me because I heard it all over the place. Girls at lunch talked about going to the host club meeting. Girls in the library talked about how hot this one guy in the host club was. I heard her mention something about a king._

_Yeah. Just great. There's a royal, spoiled rich kid somewhere at Ouran. I could just puke. They also said something about honey. Maybe the club serves that or something with their tea. I don't know. But I heard it a lot._

_One girl invited me to her mansion. I declined. Her family ran a small business that extended across Asia and she was probably only looking to boost her status in social circles._

_One girl invited me horseback riding. And much as I love horseback riding, the thought of helping the daughter of another smaller company beef up her social profile didn't particularly appeal to me._

_I got invited to the host club meeting after school by another girl, but I didn't even bother to find out who she was before declining. I wasn't interested in a host club._

_To be honest, the only people who I'll trust when they approach me are those who have nothing to gain by being friends with me. That's at least some proof that they're being genuine. I don't trust easily, and that's just an indicator that they really want to hang around with me._

_I don't need people to like me. I just have to survive high school, right? I don't need to have a good time. I don't need friends. I just need to grit my teeth and get through it._

_I don't need people to like me._

_I don't want people to like me._

…

…

…

_I bought clear, normal contacts after school today. I washed the dye out of my hair when I got home. And as I watched the red dye spiraling in the water of the shower around the drain, I promised I wouldn't let anything else that happened to me at Ouran change me. Just my appearance. Not me._

_Sure, I don't need people to like me. But surviving high school will be a hell of a lot easier if they do._

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**So... do I sense some foreshadowing? *evil grin* By the way, I love all of you eleven people who have viewed this story so far and have been senting mental hugs to the person who wrote me that encouraging review! I FREAKING LOVE YOU! (And yes, in response to said review, I am a girl. Teehee!). So, if you'd like to see some more of this story, I happen to notice a lovely box below that will, if you click it, allow you to send words across the internet to me and make me very flipping excited and make inspiration hit me like a train. If you do decide to send said words to me, I love you and thank you in advance!**

**(Be kind... =3)**


	3. Drowning

**Okay, so... still only one review and I still love that person for reviewing.**

**I was hoping more people would get into this once I start introducing the hosts? So, in this chapter, enter Hikaru and Kaoru! This is the first chapter with some direct narration, too... and longer than the previous ones.**

**Disclaimer: I own pretty much nothing, let alone Ouran and all its fabulous characters...**

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"You changed your hair."

I slowly lifted my head from my desk to see who had spoken. It had been two people in unison with almost identical voices, and when I took saw who it was I thought that I must be seeing double for just a moment.

Twins. They were so identical it was almost frightening, and it took me a moment to reply. I was a little shocked to answer immediately. "I did."

Not even a very intelligent answer. Boy, do I need to get ahold of myself.

"Why?" unison again.

They had tawny hair parted in different ways, probably so you could tell them apart, and brown eyes with gold flecks dotting their irises. I'm not ignorant enough to know that they were cute, Really cute.

Forcing myself to focus and be winsome, because that's a key survival skill to possess, I responded, lying easily, "I got sick of it. And my roots were showing."

My roots hadn't been showing at all. I kept it consistently red. When I saw myself in the mirror last night, I almost didn't recognize myself. My hair hasn't been its natural brown in so long. And I infrequently look at myself when my eyes are their ordinary green.

"It looks better," the twin on the right informed me, grinning. I found some offense in that, but held my tongue.

"So do your eyes," the other one pointed out. "That unnatural gold was just freaky."

_Hold your tongue. Make no enemies_, I reminded myself fiercely. I smiled and said sweetly, "Thank you very much."

We stared at each other for a moment in an awkward silence. I was about to put a stop to this conversation by making the excuse that I had to be catching up in Literature so I knew what was going on in the class, but the twin on the left spoke again before I got the chance. "I'm Hikaru. This is Kaoru. We're the Hiitachin Twins."

Hiitachin. Sixth-richest family in Japan.

They had nothing to gain.

"Samayu Yojin," I introduced myself coyly. Had to be careful. Even if they really were interested in me, there was no guarantee yet that they didn't want something.

"We know," Kaoru told me, smiling. "You mother and ours are both fashion designers, right? We've heard a lot about the Yojins."

I bit my lip and squirmed uncomfortably in my chair. "Well, her name's not Yojin anymore, you know? She remarried."

"Yeah, we heard. Raito Mitsurugi, right?" Hikaru asked. I nodded. "We hear a lot about him, too. One of our friends, Kyoya Ootori, is always complaining about the Mitsurugi Group's expansion and growth."

"I thought all their kids were out of high school."

"Nah, Kyoya's a second year. He's the youngest," Hikaru shrugged. "He seemed pretty interested when he heard the Mitsurugi heir is attending Ouran."

I didn't try explaining that I don't want it. Raito has no children of his own, and since he adopted me, I'm technically his heir. I'm also my mom's heir, and she controls Yojin Oil and Shichitaku Fashion (Shichitaku is the name she was born with). But I don't want Mitsurugi Group and I don't want Shichitaku fashion. All I want is my dad's business. I want Yojin Oil and that's it.

"Well, I'll be interested to meet one of the sons of Ootori," I said coolly. No doubt we'd hate one another. Rich kids always carry one their parents' fights. It's another thing I hate about them. We're all people, right? Why can't we just acknowledge that some people do better than others and move on with our lives?

"How about after school today?" Hikaru asked suddenly.

I stared at him. "How about what?"

"Meeting Kyoya Ootori. It'd only be too easy. He's a host," Kaoru informed me. "He might be so interested in you that he wouldn't make you pay for an audience with him… today, at least."

What was he talking about? An audience?

Oh, wait. Host Club. Right.

"No thank you," I declined politely, glancing at the clock. "I have a lot of homework to catch up on, you know? I'm totally lost in trig and lit right now." Because I just had to switch schools in the middle of first semester.

They shrugged. "How boring," they said together, turning away from my desk and passing me as though our conversation had never taken place.

At once, I heard the gossiping whispers of the girls in the classroom rise up around me.

"Did she seriously do that?"

"What kind of an idiot says no to the Hiitachin twins?"

"She had the chance to meet with Kyoya and didn't take it?"

"She has to be crazy. Who in their right mind declines an offer from members of the host club? She's insane."

"Or stupid."

I sighed and buried my face in my hands, drowning out the gossip by silently reciting Robert Frost.

_Some say the world will end in fire_. _Some say in ice_…

"She's weird, don't you think?"

"Yeah. A real freak."

Their voices drilled into my skull. It was impossible to stifle their disapproving mutterings. Some of them were even glaring at me.

_From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire_…

"Her eyes yesterday were scary as hell."

"Her hair looked simply horrific."

Maybe a part of me had known that. I liked the way my hair and eyes were, but I didn't say it had looked good. It was just easier to push people away if the way I looked made them uncomfortable. And the yellow dress probably hadn't done my yellow contacts any good. I wished the uniforms were black. I'm most comfortable in black. Black and red.

At least if the uniforms were red, no one could see if it had blood on it. But they aren't red. They're yellow.

_But if I had to perish twice_…

"Yeah, but my dad told me I had to try and be friends with her."

"Mine too."

_I think I know enough of hate_…

"I don't want to be friends with that freak."

"I know. She's obviously psycho."

"Turning down Hikaru and Kaoru like that…"

I grit my teeth. I didn't have to listen to them. What good did it do me? Besides make me furious. I felt as confused and pissed off as the day my father was murdered.

_To say that for destruction, ice_

_Is also great_…

"Freak."

"Psycho."

"Weirdo."

_And would suffice_.

* * *

This was by far the stupidest thing I'd ever done. I was unprepared to deal with the consequences, but I had done it anyway. I had no bandages and no food to get my blood sugar back up. But still I had done it.

I stared at my left arm and the three thin lines slowly oozing blood just below my wrist. I had sliced my skin open over three of the puckered white scars there, leaving a dozen more intact for a later day. This had been so idiotic.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I always ask myself why I do it. I can't really find an answer._

_Does it hurt? Sort of. It feels better than… everything else._

_The first time was after Dad died. My mom was a hollow shell of herself. I lost my favorite person in the world. My friends – the kids of my parents' business associates – abandoned me. My heart hurt so much I felt like I could explode at any moment. And I couldn't do a damned thing to fix it. My friends would still be there if I wasn't the girl whose dad had just been killed. My mom would still be herself if Dad hadn't died._

_But there was nothing that could bring him back._

_I screamed myself hoarse every night and kept screaming even though I felt my throat were on fire. And them when sleep took me I would wake up screaming, too._

_And then I nicked myself when I was shaving my legs in the shower. And it hurt, but for a moment, that pain was all I could concentrate on, and it made everything else just… go away for a few seconds. And then when it all came back I felt like shit again._

_I tore the blades out of the razor and sliced my arm repeatedly, mercilessly. And when I felt like I was going to pass out, I stopped and sat there, on my bathroom floor wearing nothing but a towel dotted with flecks of crimson blood. I realized that it was the only thing that helped. Screw the grief counselors. Screw the friend support. Physical pain was the key._

_That pain dominated when present, and it was manageable to some extent._

_But then the scars would start to heal and I'd begin to feel crushed again. That's how life was. It was like there were always frigid, torrential waves beating down upon me, and I was drowning. I couldn't breathe, but I went on living. Sometimes things would happen that would make it worse. And the pain of feeling anything at all became nearly unbearable._

_When the physical pain goes away, I resume drowning. So then I have to cut again._

* * *

I stuffed the razor blade into its plastic baggie and buried it underneath the notebooks in my book bag. It was only three lines. I could manage it, right? Maybe if I just put some paper towels on them for a while or something, the bleeding would stop and I could go back to class.

I couldn't ask the nurse for bandages. I'd get expelled if they found out I brought a blade into the school. And only my second day, too…

The cuts throbbed, and I let out a watery laugh and wiped at the tears streaming down my face. Those girls had screwed me up. I was a wreck.

I stepped away from my locker, holding my hand over the bleeding lines, and looked down at the floor. "Oh, _shit,_" I breathed. Blood dotted the floor like scattered rose petals. "Damn it."

"Something the matter?"

I wheeled around, horrified. I was done for, I was dead. If it were a teacher, I'd be expelled. If it were another student, I was doomed to be the social reject, cutter-freak for the rest of my high school career.

I raised my eyes to look at who had discovered my secret.

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**Just so I don't feak anyone out, I do not cut nor do I have any immediate plans to start. Naive though it may be, I am writing a story about something I know nothing about... so feedback is priceless! Review? =3 See you next time!**


	4. Encounter

**Chapter Four is here! I must say, I am very excited about it! I'm really getting into it, too... although my main character is developing in ways I hadn't intended. I may have to change the rating to M for language. And content. Cuz I have a few fairly graphic ideas in the making...**

**So, without further ado, I present for your viewing entertainment Chapter Four.**

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The boy was tall and undeniably attractive, with blonde hair that fell in waves to the nape of his neck, the ends of the light curls brushing against the tips of his ears, and deep violet eyes with flecks of blue. I stared at him, open-mouthed for a solid minute, and he stared back. I was shocked he hadn't started yelling for a professor the minute he saw me.

His eyes were locked on mine, and I finally had enough sense to tears my gaze off of his, glancing at the blood splattered on the floor in front of my locker and then at my arm, the three lines there still oozing blood. His gaze followed mine and, and alarm flickered in his expression. "You're bleeding!"

I found his sudden statement of the obvious strangely hilarious. Letting out a choked half-sob, half-laugh, I replied crazily, "No shit, Sherlock!"

His eyes widened and he flinched when he heard my response. Typical. A spoiled, pampered rich boy wouldn't be accustomed to having such fierce rebuttals directed at him. Especially not from insane, emo cutter-freaks.

"Do you want some help?" he offered hesitantly. I was slightly appalled. Wasn't he supposed to be racing through the halls screaming about the girl self-mutilating on school property by now? Why was he trying to help me?

"I'm fine. Leave me alone," I grumbled, trying to angle my body in such a way that he couldn't see my bleeding arm.

He didn't go away like I wanted him to. I half-expected that. This kid's either too resilient for his own good or just an idiot. He scanned me up and down with his gaze and I squirmed uncomfortably. I felt violated, for some strange reason. He looked confused for a moment, and then said, "I've never seen you before. Are you new?"

"Figured that out all on your own, did you?" I asked spitefully through clenched teeth, irritated. Blood from my arm was dripping onto the floor and he was bothering me with the "be nice to the new chick" routine?

"DO you need me to show you to the nurse's office?"

My breath caught in my throat and my heart skipped a beat (or several). Suddenly panicked, I lurched away from him, my face flushing with fear. "No! I said I'm fine, damn it!" I snarled, my every defensive alert switching on to hyper-sensitive. "Stay out of it, jerk-off!"

"But I just—!"

"Leave me alone!" I snapped viciously, whirling away from him a little too violently. My injured arm smacked against the open door of my locker and I let out an irrepressible, strangled yelp of pain. "God_dammit_!"

Compassion flooded his expression and he reached out for me, asking, "Are you alright—?"

When he touched me, it was like icy jolts of pain shot from where his fingertips met my body throughout my bloodstream, and I almost screamed in panic, and instinctive defense against allowing him to hurt me. I stifled the shriek and recoiled as though he had slapped me before I took to staring at him with wide, furious eyes. A feral snarl ripped from my throat.

I don't like it when other people touch me. Actually, it's worse than that. Physical human contact literally scares the f-ing hell out of me.

He hesitated, startled by my hostile reaction. After a minute, he seemed to decide that continuing with this pointless charade would benefit neither of us, and he turned away from me. I was expecting he had given up and was going to march straight to the counselor's office or something, but he turned his head as he walked away and ordered, "Don't move! I'll be right back."

Who the hell did he think he was? _Damn_ it! Outraged, I kicked a locker next to me to relieve some of my pent-up frustration. That resulted in nothing beneficial. Now my arm _and_ my foot hurt.

I let out a grunt of exasperation and debated stalking outside, getting in my car, and going home. The only people at the mansion right now were the servants. Mom and Raito were out of town, separately, for business. I much preferred it that way. However, ditching on my second day of school would be idiotic. I didn't want to get kicked out. What a scandal that would cause. Raito would never let me hear the end of it.

Just thinking about my stepfather made me shudder.

I finally decided to stay, pacing an area of about five square feet and muttering profanities under my breath as I waited for the blonde guy to return. He'd probably gone to get the nurse, or the counselor, or maybe even the f-ing principal. Damn it, I was going to get expelled for sure. All because I decided to trust some idiot who'd caught me cutting in the hall.

He came sprinting up the hall three minutes later with no one accompanying him, much to my surprise. He was cradling something small in his right hand and had what looked like a cloth in his left. He skidded to a halt in front of me and held out what was in his left hand. "Here," he said, offering me the roll of bandages.

I stared at him, amazed. He looked uneasy for a moment, unsure if I would accept the gift he was presenting me with. I reached out and took it out of his hands, shuddering when I accidentally brushed my fingertips against his palm.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_It was the most incredible thing that's ever happened to me. He didn't ask my name or anything. He just accepted that the situation was what it was and did what he could to help me out of it. I took the bandages and wrapped up my forearm, and he started sopping the blood up off the floor with the damp cloth he'd brought along without a word. That's not something a normal rich brat does._

_I didn't even know there were people out there like that who existed. Ones who will help a stranger out without expecting a reward or anything. I thought rich people were always supposed to be looking out for ways to benefit themselves. But this kid… he just helped me without being prompted even though there was nothing for him to gain._

_And when I'd tied off my bandage and tugged my sleeve back down, he stood up, silent. The floor was completely clean. You couldn't tell there had been blood there at all. We stared at each other for a few minutes, maybe, in uncomfortable silence. I didn't know what to say. "Thank you" seemed too light a term to convey my gratitude._

_So in the end, I didn't say anything at all, and neither did he. We walked away in opposite directions. I never even found out his name. Maybe he was an angel. No rich kid does that for another person. It wouldn't even cross their minds._

_It was the nicest damned thing anyone had ever done for me. I was so moved that I started crying on my way to class and had to stop in the halls to regain my composure._

_No one ever did stuff like that for me. Not even my family. No one cared enough about me to bother._

_But a spoiled rich kid had._

_And it meant more than I can ever express in words, especially since_

_My world is_

_Crumbling_

_Around_

_Me._

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**Three guesses as to who that blonde idiot was =3.**

**I think it's coming along quite nicely... and I'd love to say I won't post chapter five until I get a couple more reviews, but I have no reason to believe that'll be enough to spark your interest. SO instead I'll tell you I am on my knees right now begging for you feedback XD.**

**See you in chapter five! And who knows; we might just be seeing ourselves an Ouran Host Club. Ciao!**


	5. Transforming

**Well, I was just a little too eager to insert the Host Club into this story, and I decided we'd start chapter five off from Tamaki's sort-of perspective… I'm struggling just to write cynical for Samayu, I'm gonna stay away from writing "self-sacrificing idiot" for Tamaki for fear I get it wrong… so second person narration it is! Enjoy!**

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**Tamaki**

It hadn't been a typical day for Tamaki Suoh. It had started out pretty normal – adoring fangirls admiring his every motion and clinging to his every word, an almost argument with Kyoya over the club's next theme meeting – and suddenly, when he was on his way to run an errand for the drama teacher, taken an interesting turn.

That interesting turn had come in the form of a very pretty girl bleeding in the hallway. And it wasn't the fact that she was injured that intrigued him so much – it was the way she spoke to him, the way she acted. No girl – or boy, for that matter – had ever spoken to him so fiercely or with such fire in their eyes before. He was too used to girls falling head over heels for him just to hear him speak, so this new one was, quite frankly, an enigma. And he wasn't sure if he resented that sarcastic wit of hers or found it oddly refreshing.

She'd had brown hair flowing in loose waves to her mid-back and a pretty face. Her eyes were the most striking thing about her; they were a startling green, with golden flecks. If she hadn't been bleeding and if she'd shown obvious signs of being attracted to him, he might have dropped a line about her eyes, maybe recruited her as an adoring fan client of the Host Club. But as far as he could tell, she didn't find him appealing in the slightest. He'd gotten the impression she hated him, actually.

He'd drifted through the day after his wordless departure from her. He'd gotten the feeling she'd wanted to say something, slightly, just like he'd wanted to say something to her but hadn't. It had all just been too sudden and awkward. Thinking back on it, he was kicking himself for not having asked her name.

He was still trying to figure out how she'd gotten those cuts on her arm.

By the end of the afternoon's Host Club meeting, Tamaki was still dwelling on the girl in the hall, the one with the green eyes. He'd been uncharacteristically distracted all meeting, forgetting the pick-up line he'd prepared for one girl and using another on the wrong girl. And though he may have screwed up, they didn't seem to mind. And for some strange reason, today he found that… strangely lackluster. He sort of liked the way that girl in the hall had spoken to him.

She was obviously new. No girl in the school would have spoken to him like that if they had known who he was.

There was something in her eyes that she couldn't shake. A desperation behind the cold, hostile demeanor on the surface. He felt like, somehow, she wanted help but was perhaps too scared to accept it from anyone. She had looked at him, after his noble race to the nurse's office to snatch a roll of bandages up, with an expression of shock, and nothing more. She was not angry and was not pleased.

She boggled his mind.

"Hey, Boss, what's going on with you today?" A harmony of two voices inquired, yanking Tamaki quite abruptly out of his thoughts. He looked up at the twins and found them staring at him with their faces not an inch away from his, analyzing him like he were some specimen for a science project.

"What do you mean?" Tamaki asked, feigning ignorance. He should have expected the others would notice, but he'd been hoping they'd let him be…

The twin on the left – Hikaru, perhaps? – rolled his eyes. "You're distracted."

"I'm tired," Tamaki sighed, resting his chin in his hand, which was propped on the arm of the couch he sat on. "Kyoya kept me up all night."

"At your request," Kyoya interjected from a few yards away, scribbling things into the little black book that seemed glued to his hands during the club meetings. "You'd have failed that history test if I hadn't helped you study. But that's not really the problem…" He glanced over at Tamaki and the twins as he slid his glasses further up the bridge of his nose with two fingers, smirking. "Is it, Tamaki?"

Kyoya would know. Kyoya knew everything, whether it had nothing to do with him or not. Tamaki swore colorfully under his breath and said, "Well, if you must know, I had a run-in with a girl in the hall today. She was bleeding and I offered my assistance."

Kaoru grinned and clapped a hand on Tamaki's back. "Good show, Boss! Playing Knight in Shining Armor for the ladies now, are we?"

"No, it wasn't like that," Tamaki mumbled. "She resented me. She didn't want my help." He flinched as he spoke. He was so unused to being unwanted that it made him physically uncomfortable.

The twins burst into perfectly synchronized exclamations of horror. "Seriously, Boss? How awful! We didn't even think it was possible for any girl to resist your charm!"

From the other end of the room, Mori and Honey were watching the younger hosts with interest. Honey was halfway through his fourth piece of cake and Mori was keeping him well-supplied with napkins to wipe the crumbs off his face. "Was she cute, Tama-chan?" he asked with his mouth full.

"Very," Tamaki sighed again, heavily. "She had the most incredible green eyes I'd ever seen."

The twins threw each other curious glances. "By any chance, did this girl—"

"—Have long brown hair?"

Tamaki's head snapped up so he could look, startled, at the twins. "You know her?" he exclaimed eagerly.

They shrugged. Hikaru responded, "A new girl transferred into our class. She had red hair and yellow eyes yesterday, but she washed the dye out of her hair and came to school without the creepy gold eyes. Her hair is brown now and her eyes are green."

"She's strange," Kaoru added. "She talks to people, but it's like she never listens to what they have to say. And she smiles a lot, but her eyes are always the same."

"Cold and sad," Hikaru nodded somberly. "We actually invited her to the meeting today—"

"—But she said she didn't want to come. Gave some excuse about homework. Like she really needs to study – it's only her second day and already the teachers are raving about how smart she is and how quickly she gets her work done. She's so boring," Kaoru finished with a half-hearted shrug.

Tamaki blinked. "Didn't want to come? Why on earth not?"

"Don't ask me," Hikaru shrugged. "That's all we know."

Honey finished off his slice of cake, looking content. "Are we scary, Takashi?" he asked. "Is that why she wouldn't want to come?"

Mori looked contemplative. "I don't think we're scary."

"Than why wouldn't she want to come and see us?" Honey asked tearfully, clutching tightly at his enormous stuffed rabbit toy.

Kyoya was the only one with a legitimate response. "If she's so strange and disconnected, do you honestly believe she's formulating positive opinions about the Host Club?"

"So negative, Kyoya!" Tamaki said scathingly, leaping to his feet with renewed energy. "There's only one legitimate reason I can think of for why she wouldn't want to be a guest of the host club. Gentlemen: this transfer first-year student is quite obviously a lesbian! I hereby propose a movement to incline her towards men and stamp out the female attraction within her!"

The club ignored him.

"I'm pretty sure she's no lesbian, Boss."

"And is she were, would that really be such a tragedy?"

Tamaki swore, sometimes the twins had no class whatsoever. "It's not natural for girls to date girls! If that were how it was supposed to be, then why did God create Adam and Eve!"

"Tamaki, I know it seems unfathomable to your narrow-sighted mind," Kyoya interrupted, "But have you ever thought it possible that a girl would honestly have no interest in being a Host Club guest?"

Tamaki looked around for a moment at his fellow hosts and then burst into hysterical laughter along with the twins. A girl showing no interest in the Host Club? Preposterous. Simply preposterous.

* * *

**Samayu**

I lay down on my bed with a heavy sigh, staring at the bandage wrapped around my wrist. I could see some spots darker than others, where my blood had saturated the inside portion of the bandage. I was beginning to think I had imagined that boy in the hall. He had been too perfect. He'd been beautiful and inhumanly kind. Nobody like that really exists.

I began unwrapping the bandage and gazed at the three red, scabbing lines on my arm. One of them, deeper than the others, was still trickling blood. A drop of it spattered onto my cheek and I didn't bother wiping it off. It was still throbbing, which gave me some relief. The longer it hurt, the longer it would be before I found myself drawn to the blade again.

"I don't understand," I whispered, covering my eyes with my bleeding arm. I felt emptier than I had ever felt, even in the immediate aftermath of my father's murder. It wasn't a lonely sort of emptiness; I don't get that. Having minimal human interaction has made me immune. It was something much more… profound than loneliness. It felt as though I had everything I could ever want beckoning to me from a distant corner of my mind and I was unable to attain it no matter how hard I tried.

Maybe I should try harder. Try harder to be social, try harder to look like a rich girl and act like one. Try harder to be something I cannot be, and do not want to be. But what if changing who I was really was the key? I had promised myself not a day ago that I wouldn't change, and already I could see how unrealistic that promise had been. People change you every day. That's life.

And I think I've finally decided to stop struggling against the current.

I will be more social.

I will try to fit in.

I will be something I'm not.

I will make sure no one notices me by becoming one of them.

Which means I must begin to partake in the sort of activities the girls at Ouran do with their free time. And that meant making a visit to this Host Club I've heard so much about.

* * *

**Turn of events! Samayu's going to meet our lovely hosts! Predictions, anyone? Or suggestions, I'm just as partial to those =3 I love you all! (Now show me you love me too by reviewing!)**


	6. My Life in Ruins

**Okay, it feels like a long time since I've updated but it's only been a week. Wow! I'm actually really excited for this chapter, because 1) it's longer and 2) Samayu has her first run-in with the host club! I hope you enjoy and formulate a few suspicions, because I've got some foreshadowing in this chappa!**

**Disclaimer: I do not, unfortunately, own Ouran and especially not Tamaki Suoh. Believe me - if I did, I'd be out living a fantasy than simply writing one!**

* * *

"Get a hold of yourself, Samayu," I muttered, steeling my nerve as I stared at the door of Music Room 3. I'd been instructed here after asking a couple of girls where the Host Club met. "You can do this." Taking a deep breath, I reached out and gripped the handle of the door.

My stomach churned and I grimaced. No freaking way. I don't know why I thought I could do this. Screw this crazy whim and screw the Host Club – I was turning around right this instant and going home.

I almost had a heart attack when I turned around and saw two identical pairs of eyes staring curiously at me. The Hiitachin twins raised their eyebrows and stated together, "You're that girl from before."

"The one with the red hair," the one on the right began.

The other finished the sentence. "And the gold eyes."

The one on the right… maybe Hikaru, pursed his lips and looked as if he were trying very hard to remember something. "It's Sayu, right?"

"Samayu," I corrected him feebly. "But it doesn't matter. I was just leaving."

"Why?" the twins chimed.

Oh, god. "I came here as a… mistake. I'm just lost," I attempted to lie. "What are you doing here?"

"This is where our club meets," Kaoru informed me, rolling his eyes. "The Host Club. You came here to catch a meeting, right?"

"No!" I snapped irritably, even though it was the truth. "I was looking for the drama club and I got lost! Happy now?"

"No," Hikaru grinned. "Especially since we heard you ask those girls in class where the Host Club met."

Damn it. I was cornered, and they knew it.

They passed me and Hikaru opened the door with a dramatic flair while Kaoru said in a rather seductive tenor, "Welcome to the Ouran Host Club, Princess."

* * *

Diary excerpt

_Princess, huh? What a laugh._

_I haven't been called Princess in that playful manner since I was three years old, by my father. My stepfather calls me that, too, sometimes, but it has an entirely different atmosphere about it, and that makes me very uneasy._

_I went into the room possibly more frightened than I would have been going to my execution. I had no idea what to expect. Maybe an orgy, I didn't know. To be honest, I kind of pictured it as some shady, drug-smoke infested place where the hosts participated in activities a lot more provocative than simply friendly conversation._

_My suspicions had been irrational. Do you know what they were all doing? Sitting around on prim and proper little loveseats with prim and proper tea sitting on prim and proper tables in the center of their circles. As far as I could tell, the ratio of girls to guys in this room was about seven to one. Some of the guys had more girls surrounding them than others, but each of the girls you could tell were absolutely cherishing each and every word spilling from the boys' lips._

_It made me a little sick just watching them. It was that pathetic._

_I didn't fail to notice that each guy was attractive. Not just the sort of, "Oh, he's kind of cute," attractive you sometimes see in guys, but attractive like the "Good god, he's smoking HOT," sort of good-looking._

_There were the twins, of course. I hadn't put two and two together when they'd invited me to their host club meeting earlier yesterday, but now that I thing about it, that really was the only explanation for their invitation to attend a meeting._

_There were two boys that stuck together when speaking to their audiences of adoring girls. One was short and blonde with blue eyes and a childish voice to accompany his puerile behavior. I heard someone call him "Honey" which cleared up any questions I may have had after listening to the gossip among girls in my class about the club. His companion, in comparison, was an impressive height with a stoic look to him; black hair, brown eyes, dark features. He rarely spoke and I never caught his name._

_At one end of the room stood a boy with black hair and glasses, holding a clipboard and scanning the room with an analytical gaze. I took him for Kyoya Ootori; their family is notorious for being obsessive-compulsive, and a clipboard is just about as close as you can get, so I felt my assumption was justified._

_Another host that caught my eye was a boy barely shorter than me, with short brown hair and large brown eyes. Something about him seemed kind of off to me, and after hearing his voice, I was doubting just how female-oriented the guy was. I mean, he sounded and even acted a lot like a girl himself, so I'd guess he was gay if given the choice. I thought it rude to ask, so I turned my attention to the final host._

_And if a person can die of shock, I swear I almost did right there. The last host just had to be that blonde guy from the hall yesterday. Of all people. Fate must really enjoy screwing with me as of late, because this was seriously just the thing I needed. NOT. It was a miracle he hadn't blabbed about the cutter-freak yet to the whole school. I wondered how he'd use that information against me… eventually_.

* * *

"Hey, Boss, we've got a surprise for you," the twins called into the room once they had followed me inside, shutting the door behind them with an ominous – to me – click.

The blonde guy had been sitting on a loveseat with a girl who had black hair and an unfortunate appearance – her face slightly resembled a carp – was in the middle of speaking softly in her ear, and judging by the way she was giggling and blushing down to her toes, he'd been whispering to her a lot of sweet nothings. He smiled and pulled away from her before turning towards the twins. "What is it this time—?"

He cut himself short when he saw me, and by that time I had turned pale. I tore my gaze away from him and stared at my feet, trying to calculate the approximate time it would take should I turn around and rush out of the room before anyone could stop me. Damn. I couldn't move that fast.

"You're that girl!" The blonde moved almost too quickly for my eyes to follow, and was upon me in an instant. I was doing my best to look anywhere but at him. His voice was almost too eager and too concerned. "How are you doing? Those were some pretty nasty paper cuts you had yesterday!"

I had been in the middle of inhaling, and I choked on the air I was taking in before letting out an inexorable snort of laughter. This guy was totally serious! What sort of paper did he think I'd been using? Three cuts, all way deeper than your average _paper cut_, and this was the only thing he could come up with?

He looked confused. "Am I being funny?"

Very. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, sobering up and adopting my usual hostile air. "I was thinking about something else. Yes, I'm fine. Thanks for asking."

I may despise rich people, but I do know how to speak their language. Always proper.

"We found her outside the door," Hikaru said. I had almost forgotten the twins were there.

"She said she was lost, but we thought it best she come in and experience Ouran's finest club," Kaoru grinned. I cannot tell you how relieved I was that they hadn't mentioned I'd been looking for the place. Until I realized it made them look nobler if they had escorted a lost, confused girl inside rather than simply bullying a girl who had obviously changed her mind into entering the room.

Bastards. I despise rich people.

"Ah," a cool, pleasant voice said from a point some ten feet to my right, and I looked towards it. The boy with the clipboard who I'd taken for Ootori was approaching us. He sounded inviting, but there was an underlying atmosphere to his voice. I could tell right there that Kyoya hated me with a fiery passion. I'd known that would happen. Children of the wealthy always carry on their parents' feuds. "Samayu Yojin," he greeted me calmly. "I was wondering if we would find you a guest of the Host Club soon."

He was challenging me with his eyes. How he wanted me to leave. I flashed him a cheeky smirk and replied, "I don't think you'll have to worry too much about my presence. It is not my intention to remain in your presence much longer."

He looked taken aback for an instant, then smiled and adjusted his glasses. "I'd consider that a wise decision."

The blonde had not caught the fact that Kyoya and I were willing each other to drop dead as we spoke, and he instead jumped to apparently the only part of our conversation he had retained. "Yojin? As in, Yojin Oil?"

I nodded.

"How marvelous! I didn't expect to have such an esteemed guest of the Host Club today! Your father is a legend to many!"

"I know," I said hastily, cutting him short. Of course I knew. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't see or hear tributes, no matter how small, to my father. And while it makes me very happy to hear that he is being continually honored in the memories of others, it also makes me very sad to know that he will never be able to hear such praise for himself. Or any praise. For anything. Especially me.

The blonde didn't seem to understand that I had been upset by his praise for my father and instead proceeded to introduce each of the club's members to me. The really short blonde with the childish features was Mitsukuni Haninodzuka, or "Honey" for short, and the "boy Lolita" type. Whatever that meant. The tall stoic one was Takashi Moridnozuka, or "Mori" for short. He was "strong and silent." They were both third years.

He introduced Kyoya to me, tough I felt it was fairly obvious we already knew who the other was. Kyoya was evidently the "cool" type, although I'd have given him a much cruder title if it'd been up to me. He also gave me the twins' names, though I knew them as well. Their selling point was "mischievous." He then introduced me to the girly boy, who I was almost sure was gay by now, after the way he'd greeted me. It was a little too friendly, for a boy. And his voice still threw me off. His name was Haruhi Fujioka. A unisex name. No way to tell from that. They boy was evidently "the natural."

The blonde introduced himself last with such dramatic flair that I felt we was really more oriented to the Drama Club rather than the Host Club. "And I'm Tamaki Suoh, the Princely Type!"

Suoh. Richest people in Japan. Good lord. I didn't want to be here. Not surrounded by these mega-rich, obviously-living-in-a-fantasy-land guys. Not to mention I was receiving a few murderous glares from the girls on the room from being, I assumed, given so much of Tamaki's attention.

I'd ask a couple questions, politely excuse myself, and get the hell out of there. That was the new plan.

I opened my mouth to ask what sort of thing the club did, but before I got a word out, Tamaki wrapped his fingers around my wrist.

I jolted away, gasping as a sudden crushing fear pressed against me, staring at Tamaki in horror. For a split second, I saw not Tamaki, but my stepfather, advancing upon me. Mr. Princely Type hesitated, his hand still stretched towards me. "Samayu?" he asked unsurely.

I got a hold of myself. "I'm very sorry," I mumbled, eyes downcast. I think Plan A was suddenly a no-go. Not after that freak-out of mine. The new plan was to get out as fast as I could. "I think I should go."

"What? But you just got here!" Tamaki protested naively. "Why don't you join us for a meeting? The next round of audiences are about to start, you know!"

Actually, I didn't know. Nor did I have any desire to know. I turned on him, giving him a glare so intense it was almost hurting my own eyes. "What is it you want from all these girls, anyway? Give me _one_ good reason to stay, and I may consider."

The room had gone silent. Every eye was on me. I guess nobody had ever heard someone talk to Tamaki like that before. Either way, I knew that whatever he said or did, I had been named the surly freak who yelled at the prince of the Host Club. So I guess I had nothing to lose by then.

Tamaki looked alarmed. "Who-who wouldn't want to entertain stunning young ladies like yourselves?" he finally stammered. "For instance, I would love if such a beautiful girl as yourself allowed me a—"

I didn't let him finish. "What a pretty lie," I sighed, shaking my head. "I can only imagine what sorts of lies you tell all of them. Do they all hear the same things? That they're all beautiful? That each of them had stolen your heart? What a misogynist thing to do. It's like you hate all of them. By convincing all of them that you love them, you've done nothing but prove you don't really care about a single one of them."

Tamaki looked ready to keel over, he looked so appalled and so horrified. I knew I was so right. Why else would he have just been sitting there, letting me continue?

"This club specializes in lies," I said stonily, turning towards the door. "And I'm not interested in hearing them."

When I had gone through the door and slammed it behind me, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. I realized with a start that I was crying, and I hurriedly wiped the tears away.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_What have I done?_

_I ruined everything. It would have been better if I'd never gone to the host club in the first place. Being invisible was so much better than this! I know I was right in that room, and I meant every word I said to Tamaki, but I shouldn't have done it._

_I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have done it._

_I just know I'll be facing hell tomorrow. The looks those girls were giving me. They didn't believe me when I said it was all lies. Those guys have their "guests" so wrapped around their fingers that they're in such a state of denial they can't recognize the truth when it's dancing in front of their noses. _

_Everything hurts. My head. My heart. My arms. My legs._

_I've already overdone it today. I shouldn't go back for the blade._

_Shouldn't go back for the blade. Shouldn't go back for the blade. Shouldn't go_

* * *

I dropped my pen and stared at the words written in my journal. The ink had blotted where my tears had cascaded onto the page, and there were dark red spots where blood from my recently cut wrists had dripped.

I reread the words. Guilt.

Read them once more. Pain.

Again. Dread.

I reached for the blade, my vision blurred with tears, and sliced into the inside of my leg. Stinging pain. Fresh blood.

My reality flickered, but did not fade.

And that's when I knew I was in trouble. Because not even cutting helped me this time. And that's never happened before.

I picked up my pen, my fingers shaking, and wrote two words onto the page of my journal.

_I'm scared_.

* * *

**Fin!**

**I'll update as soon as I can. Actually, in response to a comment asking about my update schedule, I'm trying to put a chapter out every week. Or at least, that's the goal. We'll see about this week because I'm taking my school finals and I have a whopping 18 page US History exam coming up that I am not remotely prepared for!**

**So, drop me a few words on this chapter in my review box and tell me your suspicions, let me know what you'd like to see happen (although I feel its fair to warn you I refuse to write lemons), or just give me some words on what you thought of the chapter. Ciao!**


	7. Trapped

**I know that realistically, gossip doesn't travel like this and typically the person being gossiped about don't hear everything said about them as it is being said - but in anime and manga, it does. So, to be reminiscent of that style, Samayu is about to have one hell of a trip. To be quite honest, I'm enjoying writing from the perspective of a moderately depressed person… it really helps get rid of some of my pent up frustration. Maybe if you stick around, I'll talk more about that in my other intros… but for now, enjoy chapter seven! And be aware; Samayu drops a couple F-bombs. Don't say I didn't warn you!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran. That is only one among a vast list of things I do not own. However, if any of you have a Sebastian Michaelis you would like to give to me, that would be one more thing to cross off of my list of things I do not own**…

* * *

"Did you hear what she did yesterday? She was a total bitch to Tamaki!"

"You're joking. Oh, my god! Tell me you're joking!"

"It's completely true! She yelled at him and called him liar!"

"What a bitch."

I grit my teeth and refrained from letting loose a very un-ladylike string of cuss words and insults that I wanted so desperately to scream at the two girls sitting barely five feet away from me in the classroom. Behind me, I could feel the gazes of Haruhi and the twins, but I couldn't sense any hostility. Only curiosity… which was almost worse.

Almost. The malicious glares I was getting from practically everyone else were horrible to endure. Each spiteful glance cast my way made me regret everything that had happened yesterday. I was still kicking myself for losing it like that. But honestly, even though I regretted it, there may have been a small part of me that was sort of proud. I was proud that I'd had the guts, at least, to stand up for something I believed in… sort of. The aftermath was just so awful, that I wasn't very sure.

I was also very angry that I hadn't thought to bring my iPod to school. I could have at least tuned out to all those voices. But instead, I had to sit here and listen to them while the cuts in my arms and legs throbbed. I tried to hold onto that pain. I had overdone it last night. Sixteen cuts. Four on my left arm. Seven on my right. Three on my right leg. Two on my left.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I know I'm an idiot. What would have happened if I'd hit an artery or bled to death or something? The only other people in the house (well, mansion) had been a handful of maids and maybe some of the kitchen staff. Even though I preferred it that way – practically empty – that meant less people who cared where I was and a more likely chance I wouldn't have been found in time for my life to be saved._

_But I'd done it anyway. Truly an idiot._

_I'm seriously doubting my existence by now. I mean, so what if I died? Would anybody really care? The people at this school would probably all breathe sighs of relief. My mom probably wouldn't even notice. The only person who would show any remote emotion would be my stepfather, but that wouldn't be sorrow or remorse… he'd be ticked off. He'd be super mad that his vent went and (accidentally) offed herself_.

* * *

I drifted through the day, trying to draw as little attention to myself as possible. I didn't expect it to work, and I may as well not have bothered. People noticed me no matter how much I kept my head down. All day, I heard people call me a bitch and worse, all because I'd yelled at some guy. Who was, admittedly, very attractive and evidently very popular.

I was probably never going to be very liked among my classmates. High school is going to be my own personal hell. I can already tell you that much.

I hadn't realized that cleaning duty rotated among students in the class. If I had, I really would have brought my iPod. If I was going to have to spend an extra hour in the classroom after school with three of the girls who were so into bad-mouthing me for my little screaming session with Tamaki, I would have preferred to be blasting Abingdon Boys School into my ear canals, not caring that it was making me slowly deaf.

In the end, I did a majority of the work. Those other three swept the floor and that was about it. I was the one who picked up everything, wiped down the desk, cleaned the smudges off the windows, and organized the bookshelves in the corner. They all watched me and spoke not-so-quietly among themselves about "that bitch who called Tamaki a liar."

I did my best to ignore them, but they may as well have been screaming the slanders into my ears. Ultimately, all that the endeavor accomplished was 1) getting the room clean and 2) making me incredibly furious with the girls and myself both.

Sighing, I picked up the two brooms the girls had set near the door alongside the dustpan and slipped out of the room, heading for the supply cabinet at the base of the stairs that leads into the school's basement. It's a tiny room lined with wooden shelves stocked with cleaning supplies and an array of old and forgotten worn out mops and brooms with scuffed and broken handles.

I unlocked the door and went into the room, trying to click on the light. I found it didn't work. A rich kid's school and they can't even maintain the lights in the supply closets.

My head was starting to hurt. Rubbing my temples, I deposited the brooms in the corner atop the shabbier ones and dropped the dustpan onto a shelf with little ceremony. I'd spent less than a minute in this closet and already I was beginning to feel stifled, claustrophobic. I turned towards the door, eager to leave, and gasped when I caught sight of the door shutting and heard the awful, resolute click of the lock.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I'm afraid of a lot of things. To name a couple… spiders, needles, small spaces, doctors… Each is a different type of fear, of course, at different levels. Small spaces, for example, make me absolutely terrified. It makes me feel like I'm suffocating. It's gotten a lot worse lately. The feeling of being shut in a tiny space reminds me of that crushing depression that always presses down upon me and it makes my throat close up. I can't breathe properly. I can barely even get enough oxygen into my lungs to scream. Or cry. I'd be utterly helpless. I can't imagine being locked inside a closet or something. I think I'd die. The only thing worse than that would be getting trapped in a coffin… God forbid_.

* * *

My immediate reaction was to scramble madly, knocking into the shelves and even hurting myself knocking my head against the overhead light in my frantic scuttle for the door. I grabbed the handle with both hands and yanked on it with a ridiculous sense of urgency. The knob wouldn't turn.

"Hello?" I yelled. I was in the first stage of claustrophobia: panic. Damn it, I needed to get out. I was going to die if I didn't get out of the fucking closet! "_Hello_?"

I heard voices outside the closet. "Serves her right! She'll think twice before going around calling people liars again!"

"Saki, how long are we going to keep her in there?"

I heard a low, wicked laugh. "I think a night in there would do her some good."

"NO!" I screamed, yanking on the door handle with a desperate vigor. "No! Please! Let me out! Let me out!"

There was something keeping me from breathing. Some invisible, icy hand was wrapped around my throat, strangling me. Oh, god.

"Where'd you get the key?"

"Janitor dropped it about a month ago. I've been saving it in case I had a need for it."

"Let me out! Oh, god, let me out! Please!" I begged amidst my almost painful hyperventilating.

"Do you hear her? Pathetic."

"Um… is it really okay to leave her in there? She sounds really scared."

"She's just throwing a tantrum. Don't be fooled. Let's go, okay?"

"Okay…"

I screamed myself hoarse pleading with them to let me out, but their footsteps faded away and I knew I was alone. Desperate, I began to ram my shoulder into the door in a mad effort to break it down, but it wouldn't budge. I probably kept screaming, but I couldn't tell. My mind was beginning to shut down, I was so scared.

_I'm going to die here. I'm going to die here. I'm going to die here _–

I cried out for help again. No answer. Not that I expected one.

_No one is coming for me. No one is looking for me. Who would look for me even if they knew I was missing_?

The first tear rolled down my cheek and I broke down entirely, crying out feebly for help every few minutes amidst my choked sobs and short, gasping breaths. I slid to the floor and curled in on myself, trembling as I tried to force myself to believe I was anywhere but here… in a small, cramped space… locked in a closet…

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I guess I finally figured out the disadvantages to having no one who cares about you waiting for you to come home… There's no one who can search for you when you don't show up. I was going to be locked in the closet all night and no one would even notice. For one horrific moment I even wished my stepfather was home and would search for me when I never came home from school._

_Then I remembered that I hate him and that I would never go with him anywhere alone with him for as long as I lived. So I had nothing to do but sit, alone in the closet with fear eating away at me as I hallucinated that the walls were slowly moving in on me, preparing to crush me. My throat was dry and parched from my racking sobs and my eyes hurt terribly. I was regretting everything I'd done in the past twenty-four hours._

_First, I hated myself for yelling at Tamaki. Sure, I was completely right and believed a hundred percent in absolutely everything I'd said, but if I had known it would get me all this grief and LOCKED IN A FUCKING CLOSET._

_Secondly, I regretted not bringing my iPod. The entire day would have been so much better, even the locked in the closet bit, if I'd had a distraction. Some Tokyo Hotel and Linkin Park would have been a wonderful relief from my hellish nightmare of a life._

_Thirdly, I regretted even coming to school. I should have just played sick today._

_Of course, the third point wasn't very likely, anyway. Raito has informed the servants that my health is first priority and while he's away (since he's a doctor and all), if I were to get sick, they'd call in a doctor immediately and then of course, I'd fall to pieces and be more terrified than I was locked in the closet._

_I believe I mentioned before that I have a list of phobias… doctors is one of them_.

* * *

I buried my face in my hands and attempted to assure myself that I was going to get out of the closet eventually, but I didn't really believe that and it wasn't helping anything, so I went back to hyperventilating and repeating in my head like a mantra, _I'm going to die here. I'm going to die here. I'm going to die in this closet. No one is looking for me. No one cares enough to look for me. No one knows I'm down here. I'm going to die here._

I don't know how long I sat in that closet, curled into a ball and rocking back and forth, my body racking as I sobbed and shuddered.

It was like I had gone to Heaven when I heard the lock click and the door swung open. My head shot up and a draft blew through the closet, cycling the stuffy air out and giving me a gasp of cleaner oxygen. It was the most relieved I'd been in a long time.

I leapt to my feet and into the arms of my savior, sobbing out thank-you repeatedly, unable to express my gratitude enough. "Oh, my god, I thought – I thought – I thought I would be in there forever!" I bawled into the guy's chest.

I was unprepared for whoever it was when they wrapped their arms around me in turn and a wickedly familiar voice murmured into my ear, "Are you okay, Samayu?"

My breath caught in my throat and I almost choked on my tears.

I look up, horrified, at the concerned expression of Tamaki Suoh.

* * *

**Okay… There you are! What's going to happen next? How will Samayu react to having her publicly declared enemy #1 be her savior? Tell me what you think she'll do… or just drop me a line telling me how you felt about it and I assure you, that'll encourage me to write as fast as I can and get a new chapter to you sooner rather than later! Excited? I am!**

**Also, I found a cover picture for the story! What do you guys think?**

**Love you all! See you in Chapter Eight!**


	8. Terror Strikes My Heart

**My ACT is done with (for now) and I leave for two weeks of technological isolation in the mountains tomorrow… I'll be back June 22****nd****, so don't expect another chapter until after then… breaks my heart! I wasn't quite sure where I was going for a couple days there, but I listened to Vic Mignogna's **_**Ju N'ai Pa De Mot**_** and inspiration hit epically!**

**In response to a review I got, I am so happy a few of you don't think of Samayu as an annoying Mary-Sue! I'm trying my best not to favor her too much… but I'm having her mutilate herself! Maybe that balances it out…**

**Also, to clear a few things up, Tamaki is not going to end up with Haruhi in this fic (**_**shocking,**_** right? And that wasn't sarcastic at **_**all**_**…) because personally, I'm a HikaruxHaruhi fan, so expect a little bit of that on the side… eventually. But for now, enjoy a little bit of Tamaki being a gentleman, a little bit of him being crazy, and a whole lot more sarcasm and wryness from Samayu!**

* * *

My first instinct was to recoil violently out of his arms, and I threw myself slightly off-balance in doing so, breathing heavily as I steadied myself. Staring in horror at Tamaki, I choked out in the most hostile manner I could achieve, "What are you doing here?"

He looked miffed. "What am _I_ doing here?" he repeated, a little defensively. "What are _you_ doing here? You were the one trapped in the closet!"

I was just so angry and so embarrassed, and the fact that Tamaki was the very last person I wanted to see at the moment certainly wasn't helping, that I started yelling rather stupid arguments back at him. "Who says I was trapped? Maybe I didn't want to get out!"

He sighed. "You say that, but you were crying, weren't you? I can tell." He took a step towards me. I tried to back away, but I found my footfall interrupted by a solid wall. I had backed myself into a corner. Tamaki reached a cautious hand out towards me. I shut my eyes and cringed as I felt his fingers brush against my cheek, gathering a remnant of a tear. "Were you frightened?" he asked softly.

Damn it, why was he being so nice? Didn't he remember who I was? I was the bitch! The one that yelled at him and called him a liar not a day ago! Why was he being… such a gentleman? Was it programmed into him or something? Like a robot?

I maneuvered my way around Tamaki so I stood at the base of the stairs. "It was nothing," I muttered, my eyes downcast as I fabricated a lie. "I was just putting some stuff away and the door closed. It was an accident."

He looked appalled. "Well, aren't you a saint."

That surprised me more than anything anyone had ever said to me before, to be honest. A saint? He had to be kidding! Before I could restrain myself, the words slipped past my lips. "What are you talking about?"

"I was coming out o the school and I heard two girls talking about how they'd locked another girl in the supply closet. I could barely believe how cruel that was. I thought it must have been some sort of joke, but… I had to check, anyway," he said matter-of-factly.

Oh, what a Prince Charming. The perfect image to satisfy his Host Club charade. I could just puke. "Where'd you get a key, though?" I challenged him, scowling.

"The locks are all the same," he grinned, winking. "I just so happen to have the universal key. My father does run the school, you know."

Oh, shit, what a stupid question that had been. Of course I'd known that. The knowledge had just failed me in the face of my distress. "Whatever," I grumbled, turning around and starting up the stairs.

"What, no thanks for my endeavors?" Tamaki asked suddenly, shocked. "You'd have been in there all night if it weren't for me!"

* * *

Diary excerpt

_Okay… so maybe I should have thanked him. But I didn't, of course. I'm really good at holding grudges, and the one I hold against him is still novel, so it's not like it's going away anytime soon._

_I'm a little ashamed to admit that I turned around and did, once again, the same thing I'd been regretting doing all day. I yelled at him. But since the school was empty, I'm kind of hoping no one gets wind of the screaming session that took place so the girls at school don't have an excuse to make my life even more miserable._

_I should probably look into anger management or something, but who knows what kind of stuff those people pull to get you to spill your secrets. I have awful ones that no one can ever know about. I'm too afraid to get help for anything really. My mom wants me to see a shrink. And while that's a good idea, it's also a very, very bad one. Raito is on my side, of course. Seeing as how one of my secrets, should it manage to get out, could ruin him forever…_

* * *

"I didn't ask you to come and let me out!" I screamed, wheeling around and giving him the most piercing glare I was able to. "So save the Knight in Shining Armor act for someone who cares and get the fuck out of my life!"

And that's how I left him. Chalk white and curled up in the corner with an air of gloom enshrouding his person as I thundered up the stairs and began to cry. I hadn't thought that I had any more tears in me left to shed.

* * *

**Tamaki**

"I swear, Kyoya, she's INFURIATING!" Tamaki yelled into the phone, livid. "She's rude and bitter and she doesn't give a damn!"

"Is she now," Kyoya replied monotonously.

"I went out of my way to search all the supply closets in the school to rescue her and does she even thank me? No! I don't know who she think she is or—!"

"Tamaki," Kyoya sighed, cutting the blonde's rant short. "Have you ever considered that leaving her alone might be the best course of action?"

"I know you don't like her, Kyoya, but she was locked in a closet! They would have left her there all night! You'd understand if you had been there! She was so afraid and her eyes were all red and I could tell that she'd been crying her eyes out for however long she was in there!"

"I don't know what it is with you and your fascination with this girl, but leave me out of it," Kyoya requested bluntly. "Her family and mine are rivals, after all. I will conduct my own business with her; leave me out of yours."

"Kyoya! Don't you dare—!" Tamaki yelled, to no avail. The other line went dead. A growl rumbled low in Tamaki's throat as he slammed the phone down and flopped backwards onto his enormous bed. "Damn him," he grumbled, shutting his eyes and sighing. He couldn't get the image of Samayu Yojin out of his head. She had bolted out of that closet like all the demons of hell were nipping at her heels and straight into his arms as though she would die if he didn't comfort her. And she had looked up at him, a split second before realizing it was him, with her eyes scintillating with tears and the most relieved expression he had ever seen on anyone's face.

"What's wrong with me?" Tamaki mumbled with a heavy sigh. How did he already feel so much towards a single girl, one he'd barely known for two days and never had a friendly exchange with? Hell, she hated him. Why couldn't he get her out of his head?

He'd never even seen her smile…

* * *

**Samayu**

"What's wrong with me?" I whispered, staring at the pages of my journal. I had so much to write about. The words were all locked up inside me trying to escape, and it felt so painful that I was sure I would burst. And yet I found myself unable to write a word.

It was Friday. I wouldn't see Tamaki for two days… and for some reason that made me feel very empty. But I hated him! I couldn't stand that ignorant jerk! I mean, who does he think he is, traipsing around and expecting everyone to fall at his feet, dazzled by his hero act? I hate people like that! People who only want attention!

I dropped my pen, letting it fall to my desk with a clatter, and wrenched open my drawer. I couldn't think. I couldn't _breathe_. I could feel it… the world crushing me, that wave crashing over me. It hurt. My heart hurt. My head hurt. Everything inside of me was being torn apart. I had to let some of it out. I had to relieve the pain…

My fingers slipped on the blade as I fumbled for it and I gasped, unprepared. I was horrified. I really felt it. I felt the pain. That hadn't happened in a long time. Not since before Dad died. Getting hurt was always wonderful; sweet relief from the world. Sweet relief from Raito and everything he did to me.

But now I felt it. I really felt the pain. And it throbbed and pulsed, demanding my attention. Terrified, I let the blade fall back into the drawer. Blood from my finger dripped onto it and I slowly drew my hand to my face, sucking on the blood. It had an awful taste. Too salty.

I never tasted my blood. I feared I would grow addicted, considering I'm always bleeding… My finger really hurt.

Biting my lip to keep from crying, I fished a band-aid from the drawer and wrapped it around my finger with trembling hands. Shaking, I picked up my pen and pressed it to a page of my journal.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I can feel it. I can feel the pain. It scares the hell out of me. It's only a small cut, just on my finger, but it's agony. I haven't felt like this in ages._

_I started cutting because it felt better than everything else. But now it feels just as bad and I don't know what to do. Nothing helps. I've exhausted my relief. I've overused my vent and it hurts. It hurts so bad. I want to scream and cry and smash everything around me to tiny pieces and then destroy myself, too. I want to feel anything but this._

_I can't even remember what happiness feels like._

_I can barely remember how to smile._

_I haven't laughed in months._

_I need help. But I'm too afraid… I'm scared of it. I can't trust anyone. They all hurt me in the end. I trusted Dad and he left me. I trusted my Mom and she's so far from my grasp it makes me want to scream. I once trusted Raito… that was the biggest mistake of all._

_So how can I trust someone who claims they'll help me?_

_How?_

_It hurts. It burns. It's agony. My head, my heart, my hands, my arms, my legs, my chest, my eyes, my stomach…_

…_Raito comes back on Monday._

_I don't want him to come back._

_Stay away._

_Don't hurt me._

_Stay away._

_I can't do this anymore. I'm afraid of what I might do if this doesn't get any better. If I don't get any better._

_Is it wrong that I felt something around Tamaki? I did. For a fraction of a second, I wasn't scared. I was in his arms and I wasn't scared. But I pushed him away. Because I'm afraid of what I felt, too._

_Maybe I'm just terrified of feeling anything at all. Anything but pain_…

* * *

**Once I got it going, it went! I will miss my writing while I'm in the mountains… no cell phone… no computer…**

**Oh, wow, I'm going to die! AAAAHHH!**

**So, I've put things in motion. Tamaki and Samayu are slowly coming together… of course, let's get through Raito's return before I get too ahead of myself. On that note, I would love it if you would offer some predictions as to what's going to happen when he comes back, and what he's done to her… why trusting him was a mistake… that sort of thing.**

**Review within the next 24 hours… please? I want to know your thoughts before I leave! I love you all and am begging for your wonderful reviews!**


	9. Unattainable Wish

**So, I'm back from the mountains! I am terribly bruised (yeah, I fell off a horse…) and ridiculously tan, and in tune with my inner BMW (burly mountain woman), and now I have returned to bring you all chapter nine!**

**You may have noticed that I changed my pen name. This is for two reasons. The first is that I have been considering it for a while. The second is, unfortunately, that there have been some issues with my rents and my sister's fanfiction account, and as they do not know of my account, I fear should they have seen my old pen name, which was highly similar to my real first name, they would become suspicious.**

**Anyway, it has come to my attention that I have yet to mention Renge. Well, folks, that's because Renge annoys the heck out of me and I do not have any immediate plans to incorporate her. I didn't think it would be a devastating blow if I didn't mention her, because, well, she doesn't play that big of a part in the show, you know?**

**Anyway, this writing may be somewhat distracted… I am trying to catch up with Deadman Wonderland so I can watch the new episode on television at 2 in the morning tomorrow… do any of you watch that show? It's messed up… but so is this fic, a little bit…**

**Also, you may notice the rating has been changed to M. How's that for foreshadowing?**

**So now, chapter nine!**

* * *

Diary excerpt

_Art is my escape. Creating art may be the one useful thing I do with my life. I can take a blank canvass and turn it into something beautiful and inspiring. I can create a wasteland or a wonderland. I can invent a better place. Somewhere I'd give anything to go to._

_A blank canvass is one of my favorite parts about painting. I feel like that blank canvass needs me. Because without me, it would stay that way forever, and its potential would never be reached and the reason for its existence never fulfilled. Painting is something I do with most of my time, the reason it's so easy to be a social recluse. I have an entire studio in the mansion. The walls are lined with canvasses, my paintings, and the shelves are stocked with paints – oil, watercolor, acrylic – and paintbrushes of every size. I even have magazine clippings with spirals and patterns taped to easels for inspiration when I get hopelessly stuck._

_My studio is my haven._

* * *

On Sunday, I felt renewed after a solid day spent with my paints. I was working on a picture of a faceless girl lying across a low, red couch with gold trim, alone in a room with no other furnishings and a wall of windows leading into a land of flowers. I felt it was a haunting translation of dark to light, and hoped to convey a sense of imprisonment with it.

I emerged from my studio wearing an old faded T-shirt with a long since illegible logo and a pair of sweats that by commoner standards would have been too ratty to wear out and about. I was covered in paint – mainly reds and browns, though there was a streak of blue here and there – and had a sense of accomplishment about my person.

I climbed up the stairs that would lead to the foyer and tried rubbing paint off my nose, though I wasn't too disappointed that it wasn't really coming off. I went into the foyer, expecting nothing more than to pass through it and proceed up the stairs to my bedroom, where I could shower and throw on a different pair of clothes similar to the ones I was wearing – though not covered in paint.

Instead I saw the luggage sitting in front of the door and screamed as I walked straight into the man I fear more than anyone else in this world.

Raito Mitsurugi looked down at me and raised an eyebrow. "You seem happy to see me," he said, smiling warmly at me and tousling my hair. "What's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost."

I recoiled violently away from him, fear eating away at my chest. "B-b-but you're not s-supposed to be getting back until t-tomorrow…" I stammered. My throat was closing up. I could barely breathe. Oh, why hadn't I just locked myself back in that supply closet and died? That would have been so much better than this!

"My meetings finished and I decided I'd rather come home than spend another day in Osaka. The people there are so strange, you know."

I nodded, staring at my feet. I was trying to control my breathing.

"I see you've been in your studio," Raito commented. "Hard at work, were you? Maybe you'll let me see your work sometime soon."

I didn't say anything. I doubted I could have if I had wanted to.

When I felt Raito's hand on my shoulder I almost jumped out of my skin. I raced to the base of the stairs and scrambled madly up them. I was almost to the top when Raito called my name, and I froze, horrified. "Wait, Samayu! I was thinking once you'd cleaned yourself up we could go to dinner. To celebrate my homecoming."

A shudder ran down my spine. Very slowly, I shook my head.

Raito chuckled. "You're such a kidder, Samayu. Meet me at the front door in an hour. We'll have fun."

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I do not have fun with Raito. It is physically impossible for me to have fun with Raito. The man… he's a psychopath. He seems like he's really nice… and he acts like a friendly stepdad… but I know the truth._

_He's tall and handsome and strong. He has black hair and blue eyes and a kind face. Of course, having a kind face doesn't necessarily make you kind. I guess I can see why Mom fell for him. But she failed to see through his act. And she won't listen to me when I try to tell her… about what he's really like._

_Oh, god. I don't think… I don't think I can handle… what he does to me anymore. Especially not tonight._

_Someone save me. Anyone. Help_.

* * *

"What's the matter, Samayu? You've barely eaten a thing."

Raito seriously expected me to eat? I was _thisclose_ to throwing up all three spoonfuls of the miso soup that I'd eaten already. I couldn't believe that he thought I was in the mood to eat – especially in front of him. He knows I hate him with my entire being. Every cell in my body is absolutely terrified of him. Even looking at him makes me tremble with fear.

And the things he does to make me scream…

I hated having to dress up for him. I was in all black. A black shirt with long black sleeves and a high neckline and a pair of black jeans with black flats. I had also applied black eyeliner with a heavy hand. I wanted to look like a phantom. Like someone who needed help. No one noticed, of course. I don't know why I expected them to.

Raito took me to a nice café in the "richer" part of Tokyo and ordered a potsticker plate for himself and miso soup for me. He was already halfway through his meal and mine looked like I hadn't even begun it. My stomach was churning and there was an acrid taste of bile lingering in the back of my mouth, persisting no matter how many times I tried to swallow it down.

After a few moments of tepid silence, I mumbled, "I'm not hungry."

"Huh," Raito said contemplatively. I had to bit my lip – hard – to keep from screaming when he leaned over and placed a hand on my forehead. "Are you sick?"

"I'm fine!" I squealed, shrinking away from him, wrapping my arms protectively around myself. It was the only thing I could do. We were in a public place, after all.

Raito sighed. "You're so cold to me."

Oh, and why did he think that was? Let's think about this for ONE DAMNED MINUTE! It couldn't possibly be because he's a horrible bastard who hurts me in unspeakable ways at every opportunity! No, there must be something else!

Raito wiped his mouth with a cloth napkin and set down a tip for our waitress. "If this is all our meal will yield, then I suppose there's no use in staying here. Let's go home."

I froze. Not home. Anywhere but home.

I wanted to run. I wanted to run away from him with every fiber of my person. But I found myself unable to move a muscle. I couldn't even use my voice. He ended up pulling me behind him back to his car and even tried to buckle me into the passenger's seat – I put a stop to that real quick.

I was so scared by then. So scared. Because I knew what came next. It was always what came next. And I was so scared of it.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I was a cutter before Raito came anywhere near my life. But it only got really bad when Raito arrived. And I actually liked him at first. He was like a great distraction. I used to not think about cutting when he was around. He was super nice to me and took me on adventures. He bought me painting supplies and took me to art museums. He was the first person I'd show my paintings to._

_I've read stuff online in relation to what he does to me now. I hadn't known there was a term for all that nice stuff he did for me. It's called "grooming."_

* * *

When the front door shut, it was with a nerve-racking click, a sound of doom and destruction. Raito turned to me and smiled. "Did you miss me while I was gone, Samayu?"

My vision was blurring. Nerves. Fear. A pain in my gut. A pain in my chest.

Run.

Escape.

Run, damn it, run!

Raito crushed his lips over mine.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_The first time Raito came onto me was a week after he married my mom. She had left on a business trip and it was just us. I had no idea that what he wanted when he came to say good night to me was… what he did to me._

_He didn't go all the way with me that night. There was a lot of kissing from his side and a lot of struggling from mine. His hands ran all over my body. Under my clothes. His hands on my bare skin. And I felt like I was being burned every place he touched me._

_That was the first time I cut my inner thighs… because I'd exhausted all the available space on my arms._

_The second time he came to me he got closer to going all the way. My clothes came off that time. He tore them off of me. He added his tongue to his hands, running up and down my body. I felt filthy. I could feel the ghost of it for days._

_I opened every scar I had after that. I added new ones to my legs._

_The third time was when he took my virginity from me._

_I cut myself in every available place on my body after that. My arms, my legs, my sides, even under my breasts. Because the pain was the only thing that helped me to not think about the way he had forced himself inside of me while I screamed. And screamed. And screamed._

* * *

I imagined I was anywhere but here.

I was naked.

Raito was on top of me. His hands were on my breasts. Squeezing them. He was moaning with a sick sort of pleasure that makes me nauseous when I think about it.

"Stop…" I whispered. It was all I could say. All I ever said.

Why did I take this crap? I don't even remember…

"Don't be like that," Raito sighed contentedly, crushing his lips over mine again. He pulled away and smiled. "You're so damn pretty."

"Please… stop!" I choked out. He always complimented me just before… just before the unspeakable.

"Whenever I see you I want to fill you up with nothing but me," Raito breathed. He was a crazy, sick man. I could barely stand him. "I want everything you have to offer. I want to saturate you with my scent."

"Stop! Oh, god, please stop!"

"Why? Fucking you is the best thing that's ever happened to me!"

* * *

Diary excerpt

_And he raped me. He raped me. Oh, god, did he rape me._

_Just like he'd done before. So many times that I've lost count. I was screaming and crying and pleading with him, because it hurt worse than anything I can ever put into words._

_Here I am again. Writing about it. I can't tell anyone._

_No one would believe me anyway. And it's my fault. All my fault. I'm not strong enough to fight him off. And if I struggle, he can make my life an even more horrific version of Hell. But it's my fault._

_I'm hurt. And bleeding. From you-know-where. I don't even want to write it down, it's so disgusting. I'm so disgusting._

* * *

I dropped my pen. I couldn't see the pages of my journal through my tears anymore.

I wiped brutally at my eyes and grasped the handle of my drawer. The band-aid on my finger had fallen off. The cut there didn't hurt anymore.

But that was wrong. I needed to hurt. I needed to bleed. Bleed it out. Cut myself. Make the cuts so deep I could drown in the pain and forget everything.

If I was lucky enough I might even bleed to death.

I needed to cut right now.

I wrenched open my desk drawer and tore through the contents until I found it. The blade.

And I cut myself. I sliced through my arm, vigorously, mercilessly. It wasn't enough. I moved to the other arm. Still not good enough.

Both legs. It didn't help.

Under my breasts, down my sides. Nothing.

With a shriek of wordless, indescribable rage, I hurled the blade across the room. It left a trail of my blood flying behind it and hit the wall, leaving a scarlet mark where it met the white plaster.

Sobbing, I dropped to the floor and wrapped my arms around myself. Why couldn't I just die? That would be the best thing for me. For everyone.

Why couldn't I just die?

* * *

**Okay, just to reiterate: I am not a cutter. Also, I am a virgin and have by no means been sexually harassed or abused. I am writing about more things I don't know a thing about... (sigh). How am I doing? Anyone else feeling Samayu's distress?**

**I promise that we'll see more of Tamaki in the next chapter! For those of you who were loyal to the anime, some of it might look familiar =3 I'm about to speed things along. Impatient me; couldn't wait! A bit more of the Shadow King, too, actually... and I do hope Honey (Hunny?) and Mori play larger roles in this fic sometime soon... also, I would love Nekozawa to get a bit of action too.**

**Which is why I need your suggestions... if you have them! Believe you me, I have plans for, like, the next two chapters and then it skips around a little bit... I need some filler. And please, if you suggest, suggest fun, airy ideas! Lord knows Samayu could use some of that!**

**I love you all for reading this!**


	10. Scared Out of My Mind

**Chapter Ten gave me quite a run for my money. I wasn't quite sure where I was going with this for a while there, to be honest. Writer's block always hits at the most inconvenient of times. I enjoy ending on cliffhangers for the reason that I know where I need to start the next chapter, however much you, my dear readers, may hate that.**

**I am departing tomorrow for the mountains once more to be a camp counselor, but only for a week! I'll be back Saturday and therefore there is a high possibility I can keep up my goal of posting a chapter a week!**

**Anyway, I'm not quite sure how good this chapter is. I know I say that a lot, but seriously, I'm waaaay distracted right now. I'm getting in my fill of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood before I leave and I just watched Hughes die... *sob sob* I cry every time...**

**Also, I'm gonna be a zombie soon, cuz Deadman Wonderland doesn't come on until two in the morning for me... and I HAVE to see this next episode! And FMA comes on after it, so I'll probably watch that too... oh, the sleepless life of an otaku...**

**Anyway, now that we've gotten completely off topic, I hope you enjoy chapter ten!**

* * *

**Host Club Side**

"Well, you're certainly more distracted than usual today," Kyoya commented as he adjusted the bowtie of his attire that was the club's newest getup for the cherry blossom viewing reception. "What's the matter, Tamaki? There are several young ladies lined up at the garden's gates already. You're typically much more enthusiastic."

"What?" Tamaki asked, snapping out of a daze as Kyoya's observation clicked into place inside his head. "Oh… I can't seem to concentrate today," he sighed. "That Samayu Yojin girl… she didn't come to school today. I keep wondering if it's because of something I did on Friday."

"I highly doubt it. You rescued her from a closet, didn't you? The ladies always love a bit of chivalry. It's much more likely that she simply had business to attend to."

"Chivalry doesn't _work_ on her, Kyoya," Tamaki said dejectedly, smoothing out the cuffs on his white button-down shirt. "She can't even stand to be in the same room with me. She hates the fact that I even exist."

Kyoya smirked. "Oh, I wouldn't take it that far. And if I may ask, why are you pining over a girl who has made it quite clear she wants nothing to do with you?"

Tamaki jolted. "I'm not pining! I'm being a gentleman! Isn't that the whole point of being a host? And since I'm the club president, that requires me to be more of a gentleman than any of the rest of you, and–!"

As Tamaki continued his furious rant, Mori and Hunny observed from the side. Hunny giggled. "Kyo-chan sure has Tama-chan riled up, huh, Takashi?"

Mori nodded once. "Yeah."

"Wow. The boss is really going at it, huh?" Hikaru asked from another corner of the garden, where he and Kaoru were reviewing their script for the "brotherly love" act of the day while Haruhi shook her head exasperatedly. "Kyoya-senpai's even got him breathing fire."

"It was worth telling Tamaki that Samayu didn't show up for class today just to see him freak out," Kaoru said mischievously, grinning at his twin.

Haruhi sighed, irritated. "I swear, the two of you…" she began muttering slanders under her breath until she had exhausted her supply of insults, and then said conversationally, "Anyway, I think Samayu may have figured it out."

The twins stared at her. "Figured what out?"

"What do you think?" Haruhi asked. "But she's always staring at me like she can't figure out what I am. It's highly likely she's figured out by now that I'm a girl."

Hikaru laughed nervously. "Better not let the boss hear you say that."

"Yeah," Kaoru agreed, smiling wickedly. "We'll save that piece of information for a calmer day. It's no fun watching him go from freaking out to even more riled up. We prefer it when he's calm and suddenly hits the roof."

Tamaki's rant, increasing in volume, cut through the garden. "AND WHO EVER SAID THAT BEING A GENTLEMAN WAS SOMETHING TO BE SCORNED? IF YOU MUST KNOW, I—!"

"Tamaki," Kyoya interrupted him, silencing the blonde. "It's time."

Tamaki straightened up at once, adjusting his bowtie and regaining a sparkling aura. "All right, men! Let the cherry blossom viewing reception begin! Open the gates!"

As if by magic, the gates to the garden swung open to allow entry to a crowd of girls as the hosts greeted their guests in perfect unison, beaming. "Welcome, ladies!"

Tamaki searched for a girl with a sassy demeanor and fire in her piercing green eyes among the crowd, but she was nowhere. Samayu Yojin had not come.

* * *

**Samayu**

School seemed so… simple. Compared to what I was trying to endure by myself at the moment, facing the girls at Ouran who gossiped about me and locked me in closets would have been pleasant.

I was curled up in the fetal position on my bedroom floor, a bloody razor lying uselessly next to me. I had reopened all the cuts that had scarred up since last night and dug deeper into the ones that hadn't, and I found no relief. I hadn't come out of my room since Raito had released me and I had shut myself up inside and sliced into my body, trying to alleviate my internal torment. I found no relief.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_The truth is, I've been contemplating suicide for a long time. The only problem is, that once I commit it, I forget that I'm going to die. Isn't that so stupid? I always imagine telling people off once they're sad I'm dead, even though they didn't give a damn about me when I was alive. Then I remember that once I've committed suicide, I won't be around to say anything. That scares me a lot._

_I don't even know if anyone would care if I died. If no one cares about a dead person… do they even hold a funeral for them? Maybe they'd just put me six feet deep as soon as the coffin was ready._

* * *

_I knew I couldn't hide forever. I had to rejoin the world sometime. That's how it always is. When I'm hurt, when I hurt myself like this, I only ever get a day. A day to recover… or try to_. _I have to return to reality. Put on a mask and act like I'm fine, when really, all I want to do is scream, beg, and plead with everyone – anyone – to help me. To please help me. I can only bear this pain for so much longer_.

* * *

**Tamaki**

Tamaki had just finished discussing the "Operation: Conceal Haruhi's Gender" (also named "Operation: I swear Haruhi is a Boy!") for the umpteenth time the morning of physical exams, eager to keep Haruhi on as a host, dwelling on two dilemmas: the first was, of course, that Haruhi's secret about her gender was in jeopardy and the second being that Samayu had, once again, neglected to show up for school.

He ultimately was forced to choose between problems, and the more immediate was Haruhi's. He made an utter fool of himself pretending to be her when she was called for her physical – and nearly bit the twins' heads off when he realized they had set him up for humiliation – and all thoughts of Samayu and her absence fled his mind upon rescuing Haruhi inside a private clinic from a doctor who had been deemed a pervert – which he found out was little more than a girl's utterly wrong assumption. Once the man, a Dr. Yabu, was sent off on his way to the school his daughter attended, the reason he was even at Ouran in the first place, and Haruhi had kicked the hosts out of the place so her physical could be completed, Tamaki headed back up to the main clinic of the school with Kyoya. In their attempts to protect Haruhi's secret, they had neglected to receive their physicals yet.

Tamaki was slightly dejected that, due to their lateness, there would be a much smaller crowd of girls to witness it and therefore less publicity for the club, but as his thoughts were moving slowly back towards Samayu and protecting Haruhi's secret had been more important than gaining popularity among the female populace of Ouran, he didn't dwell on it too much.

Shockingly, nothing further out of the ordinary occurred and Tamaki and Kyoya made it back to the clinic with little incident. It wasn't until Tamaki's fingers had wrapped around the door handle that anything remotely interesting caught his attention. From inside, he heard a horrified, female voice exclaim, "What's going on?"

He knew that voice. His heart rate accelerating, Tamaki thrust open the door, eager to see Samayu for reasons even he couldn't explain.

She was chalk white and even a little green, and her gaze was fixated upon the row of doctors in the room, an expression of terror plastered across her face. She opened her mouth and stammered wordlessly for a few brief seconds before she managed to choke out, "Why are there so many d-d-doctors here?" She stuttered on the one word, growing noticeably greener.

Tamaki felt the baffling urge to wrap his arms around her. He wondered where on earth that impulse had come from. She'd punch him or something similar for sure. Maybe it was just his instincts as a host.

**Samayu**

I had shown up for school late this morning expecting a normal enough day with just a few questions by a couple of teachers wondering where I was. I had hit my arm on the door coming out of my family's mansion this morning and reopened some of my cuts, and had been forced to re-bandage the arm before heading off. I should have stayed home again. There I was, having a shitty morning already, going off to what I expected would be a normal school day, and _this_ is what I found waiting for me!

I had gotten to Ouran and been brought at once to the school clinic by one of the school secretaries before any questions were asked or any answers given. And now here I was, standing inside a room filled with people that I was absolutely terrified of.

Upon my terrified inquiry, I heard a smooth, calm voice say from behind me, "The school's physical examinations are being conducted today."

I jolted and whirled around. Just perfect. _Just_ what I needed. Kyoya Otori's smug expression and self-important clipboard in hand, accompanied by Tamaki Suoh, wearing an idiotic look on his face as he stared, open-mouthed, at me.

Kyoya seemed to have my answers, being the one who had spoken. Tamaki was just standing there uselessly, so I ignored him for the time being. I meant for my voice to come out sounding strong and confident, but what came out was weak and trembling. "Physical exams?" I repeated feebly.

"The process by which a doctor investigates the body of a patient for signs of disease," Kyoya drawled cockily. I got the feeling that he was deriving some sick pleasure from seeing me so distressed.

He was really trying to annoy me, wasn't he? "I know what a – a – what it is!" I snapped, sounding much more forceful, although I found myself unable to repeat the words _physical exam_. "What, they just do them without any warning?"

"Of course not," Kyoya smiled, a smile that told me he was masking smugness with friendliness. "They were announced yesterday."

"I wasn't here yesterday!" I all but shouted at him, furious. Now my stomach was churning _and_ my blood was boiling. Wonderful. Just wonderful. "Why are they holding them?"

"Customary procedure, of course," Kyoya said smoothly. He still sounded friendly, the jerk. He was really laying it on thick. I wanted to slap the smirk right off his face. "It's required for all Japanese high school students. There isn't a problem, is there?"

Slap. It. Right. Off. His. Face.

I can't even begin to describe what was going on in my head. I was too damn frightened to even think clearly. It took forever for me to even begin to formulate an answer. After letting out a few shaky breaths, I finally stuttered out a pitiful lie. "O-of course not."

Raito would murder me if I let myself be examined by anyone but him. There are certain things he doesn't want anyone to see. For example, how would I explain how my breasts got so bruised? He also knows about my cutting – I didn't want to have to explain that to anybody else. Raito doesn't care about me and my addiction to the blade. As long as he gets to rape me whenever he feels like it, he doesn't care about me self-mutilating.

My breath was catching in my chest. Letting out a few short gasps, I said in a small voice, "It's just th-that… my stepfather prefers to… take care of all my… medical… requirements."

Tamaki finally spoke up, looking hesitant. Guess I was really freaking him out. "Um… my father and the Otori Group are in a business alliance… so the school only accepts physical exams from Otori Group doctors. A Mitsurugi Group exam… they wouldn't accept it."

Oh my god. I was freaking going to die. My heart was going to explode. My lungs were going to shrivel up. I was so panicked I couldn't even think up a snarky comment. The most I could do was go even paler and whisper, "And what happens if I… if I refuse to get one?"

There were seriously waves of sick enjoyment emanating off of Kyoya. I wanted to kill him. "Well, seeing as it's _law_… were you not to receive one – conducted by a doctor in the employment of the Otori Group– and turn it in to the school, I'd assume that alone would be grounds enough for suspension. Give it a week after that, I'd say it would warrant expulsion."

I'm fairly sure I would have gone insane by now if Kyoya wasn't making me so mad. I made a noise of astonishment and my vision blurred with tears of horror. Damn it. Was I really going to cry in front of that bastard? And the blonde idiot? Damn it.

And then it clunked into place. I could get expelled if I didn't get an exam from an Otori Group doctor. There was no way to win. If I didn't get one, I would get expelled and Raito would punish me so severely that I might actually die. If I did get one, Raito would still punish me so severely that I might actually die.

What the fuck was I going to do?

I clapped a hand over my mouth to keep from screaming but failed to stifle a squeal of horror. Shit, I'd let out an outward sign of my pathetic fear. Lowering my hand and trembling, I managed to whisper, "N-no."

Kyoya raised an eyebrow, smirking. "No?" he repeated. "You mean you deny that you could be expelled? Or are you refusing a—?"

"Stop it, Kyoya!" Tamaki suddenly burst, to both my and Kyoya's evident surprise. My jaw dropped and I turned to stare at him, wide-eyed. Kyoya's demeanor was calm, but I could sense that he'd been just as startled by Tamaki's outburst as I had been.

Tamaki straightened his posture and said resolutely, "Stop frightening her. She's already scared enough, can't you see that? Leave her alone! I know your families are rivals, but can't you just lay off of her for one minute?"

I was dreaming. That had to be it. No way was Tamaki Suoh defending me. No way.

Kyoya recovered rather quickly, smirking and adjusting his glasses by pushing them further up the bridge of his nose. "Alright, then. You deal with this as you see fit, Tamaki."

And just like that, he walked right past me and further into the clinic. "I suppose it's my turn," he said nonchalantly, offering Tamaki a casual wave. "I'll see you at the club meeting, then."

It's not that I enjoyed Kyoya's company, but honestly… now he was leaving me alone with Tamaki Suoh. There was no way this could end well.

Tamaki didn't seem too thrilled about it, either. Neither of us seemed to be able to say a word. We just stared at one another.

After a moment, Tamaki finally said softly, "Samayu?"

And with that single word, I broke down.

* * *

**Oooh! What's going to happen next? Send me your thoughts! Your hopes! I want to hear them!**

**I'll be back in town Saturday, and since I do most of my writing Saturday nights, I may actually have chapter eleven posted by next Sunday morning! In the meantime, I'll dwell upon my plot for the next chapter as I'm camp counseling up in technological isolation!**

**So, I'll plead with you to shoot me some reviews within 24 hours if you can... I want to know what you thought before I leave!**

**And now I am going to go finish (and possibly post) chapter one of my newest fic for Pet Shop of Horros (anybody out there remember that manga? Or the anime, which I didn't like at all...)**

**See you on the flip side!**


	11. Far From Okay

**I apologize for this chapter. While it is a chapter, yes, it fails to move the story forward very much… I'm just tired and somewhat dazed, waiting for Deadman Wonderland to come on TV, and writing this as fast as I can so I can post this chapter before two a.m.**

**On the reviews I received for chapter ten: I agree that Raito is an evil man… but you can't quite kill him yet! There is more for him to do before the plot bunnies come and devour him in his sleep (just kidding… maybe). Samayu definitely needs some good in her life. Perhaps a blonde princely character can provide some, hm? And Kyoya, being near and dear to my heart, will not remain so "evil" for long… but don't you think this is sort of accurate for him if he was showing open dislike for a member of a rival family? I kind of enjoy writing about Kyoya being so mean… (Sorry, Kyoya!)**

**And we shall see if Samayu, or something else, spills the beans eventually… but now, dear readers, is not quite the time.**

**With that in mind, enjoy chapter eleven!**

* * *

"Just go away!"

That was the first thing I heard myself say amidst a very sudden bout of tears that shocked me. I was really crying. Crying in front of Tamaki Suoh. Again. I will never be able to stand in front of him on normal terms, will I? Our first meeting, I was bleeding profusely and furious. Our second, I was humiliated and lashed out. Our third, I was found sobbing by myself in a closet. And now I was breaking down in front of him again.

Wiping at my tears with a heavy hand, I said with hostility in my tone, "I can't deal with you right now, okay? Just leave me alone!"

He paid no heed to my feeble demand and took a tentative step forward. "Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay to you, Dumbass?" I snapped, more easily irritable than usual – which was saying something, since I'm always highly irritable. "Of course I'm not okay! What's wrong with you? Are you blind?"

Tamaki stared at me in contemplation for a few moments, seemingly mystified by my insults fired at him in rapid succession. And then he asked me something I never expected to hear. Especially not from him.

"Why aren't you okay?"

I froze, my breath catching in my chest. I felt blood rush to my cheeks.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_So many people have asked me whether or not I'm okay before. When I rebuke them, they back off. Nobody wants to deal with me. Tamaki is the first person who has ever stuck around._

_And he is the first person to ask why. Why aren't I okay?_

_So many reasons. My father was murdered. My mother has all but abandoned me. My stepfather is a pedophilic rapist whose greatest pleasure in life is sexually abusing me. Everyone at school hates me because I have officially declared my loathing of the school's idol. Even I hate me. I am in so much pain that the only thing that ever helped was digging into my own skin with a blade and watching my blood pour out of the wounds I inflicted upon myself. And now not even that helps me alleviate the agony of being me._

_I am not okay. I may never be okay._

_But the fact that someone has finally asked me why makes everything seem just a bit better._

* * *

"Why?" I repeated shakily. "You… you're asking me why?" I had misheard him, surely. Nobody wants to know what my problems are, much less Tamaki Suoh.

He stared at me as though he couldn't understand why I was so appalled. "Yes," he answered, so unsurely that it almost sounded like a question.

I started and looked at him in shock. It was the first eye contact I'd made with him that wasn't partially hostile. "Why?" I asked. It sounded stupid, I guess, asking him why he wanted to know why. But I don't think I would have accepted the fact that he even asked without knowing the reason he did.

His reply was instantaneous, which I didn't expect. "Because I hate to see you so frightened."

That had to be one of his host lines. He couldn't be sincere about an answer like that. He'd probably used that same line – or ones similar to it – on scores of other girls. He couldn't be serious.

I was going to lay into him. I hated that answer. Maybe I would have preferred a mean answer, something like, "the only person who gets to make you look like that is me." Maybe I would have preferred an idiotic "I don't know." But the romantic answer? When I can't stand him and he (most likely) can't stand me? That I would not accept.

But when I opened my mouth to begin screaming every profanity I had in my repertoire at him, a hand came down on my shoulder and every thought other than the fact that THERE WAS A DOCTOR TOUCHING ME fled my mind.

I was so startled that I even let out a small shriek and recoiled so violently away from the hand that I went careening into Tamaki. Then, freaked out that there was someone else touching me (and the fact that it was Tamaki made it that much worse), I jerked away from him and smacked into a wall, which sent tongues of fire shooting throughout my nervous system as my injured limbs made contact with a hard surface at a high speed. I let out another yelp, one of pain.

Now I had Tamaki and a doctor staring at me. I was going to explode.

The doctor bore a nametag reading _Dr. Takanari Kurosu_, and below that, in smaller letters, _Otori Hospital, Tokyo_. His hair and eyes were dark. Like Raito's.

My mind was shutting down. I could tell because every time I looked at Dr. Kurosu, in my eyes he flickered from himself to Raito. I was that delirious with terror.

He was taken aback by my reaction, but he brushed it off and smiled warmly at me, which sent my skin crawling. Raito smiles warmly at me like that, too. Do all doctors have a warm smile that use on their patients (insert _victims)_? "Miss Yojin, correct?" he asked. "I'm your appointed doctor for your physical examination. Would you please come with me?"

I heard myself shouting no at him before I even processed that I was answering him. Every eye in the room was on me by then.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I didn't even care. They could stare all they wanted. They could call me a bitch and worse; I didn't care anymore. Hell, I didn't care if I was expelled. What was one more session with Raito? He'd kill me when he was through with me and save me the trouble of figuring out how to do it myself. I was so over living. Especially if living meant having to feel the way I did at that moment._

_Too terrified to function. To breathe. To think. My tongue was numb, my mouth was dry, I couldn't see through my tears of horror. I couldn't feel my body._

_I had no control. And that scared me more than anything_.

* * *

Tamaki was the first to speak after my fierce refusal. "Samayu… it's no big deal…" he said tensely, obviously worried I would turn on him and take out all my pent up rage and frustration on him right there and then if he pushed me too far.

"I'm not going anywhere with him!" I snarled. I was running on the pure animal instinct of self preservation. "I don't want anyone to touch me!"

The room was completely silent.

Something like realization dawned in Tamaki's expression. "He won't hurt you, Samayu," he said calmly, suddenly turning a whole lot more in-control rather than timid. "You don't have to worry. It's going to be okay."

"Shut the hell up!" I screamed at him, another wave of tears spilling over my cheeks. "You don't know anything! You don't know one damned thing! You have no idea – what it's like – you'll never know! You want to know why I'm not okay? IT'S BECAUSE EVERYONE I'VE EVER LET GET CLOSE TO ME HAS HURT ME! WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY?"

I was the center of the universe. Everyone was frozen, transfixed on the scene playing out among myself, Tamaki, and Dr. Kurosu. You could have heard a butterfly's heartbeat in that room. From a mile away. It was that eerily quiet.

And then, like a magic spell had been broken and a veil been lifted, I saw Tamaki smile at me. It was reassuring and beautiful and I suddenly understood what everyone thought was so great about him. He had this overpowering aura about him that made you know that whatever it was you told him, he would keep it a secret. It was the aura of an absolutely trustworthy person. He held his hand out to me and requested softly, "Take my hand. Let me help you. Let me help things… be okay."

I stared at his hand for what seemed to me to ne an interminably long time. Maybe it was seconds. Maybe it was minutes. It could have been days or weeks or months or even years and I wouldn't have noticed or cared.

"Trust me," Tamaki said.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_Since my father's murder, I have not trusted a soul. I haven't even trusted myself. How can I trust my mother, who cares nothing for me and refuses to believe me when I try to tell her about the things Raito does to me? How can I trust Raito, who rapes me each time we are alone? How can I trust myself, when my addiction to the blade is so strong that I feel that if I do not cut myself, I will die?_

_How could I guarantee that a boy who smiled so warmly at me and asked me to do what seemed like such a small thing wouldn't betray my trust? How could I know for sure?_

_I couldn't. That was impossible._

_So why did I decide to trust him_?

* * *

When I slipped my hand into Tamaki's, I found myself whispering, "Not him. I can't have him," meaning Dr. Kurosu. He reminded me too much of Raito.

"We can fix that," Tamaki assured me, somehow understanding what I meant. "Come with me."

He pulled me through the door, leaving behind a very confused Dr. Kurosu and a captivated audience of our fellow students, who had been preoccupied with watching my screaming session with Tamaki. I felt no regret. I was just relieved that I was out of that place.

"Here we are!" Tamaki announced triumphantly, stopping me at a door that identified the room as a private clinic. He opened the door for me and escorted me inside.

A woman wearing a white doctor's coat sitting in a swiveling chair turned it towards us. She seemed to recognize Tamaki. "Oh, Mr. Suoh. Back again so soon? I've only just finished with Miss—"

"Dr. Kamiya!" Tamaki interrupted her quickly. I got the sneaking suspicion he hadn't wanted me to hear what she was about to say. "This is Samayu Yojin. She's a little nervous for her physical and I was wondering if you could…" he trailed off, since no further explanation was needed.

Dr. Kamiya nodded in response. "I understand. Plenty of people are iatrophobic nowadays."

"Itra-what?" Tamaki asked, puzzled.

"Afraid of doctors," I whispered. It was the loudest I seemed to be able to speak. "Iatrophobia."

"It's alright. I'll take care of her," Dr. Kamiya told Tamaki. She was talking as if I weren't even there. "If you don't mind, please go ahead and escort yourself out."

"Of course," Tamaki said agreeably.

And he let go of my hand.

My terror, which had, for unexplainable reasons, settled since I took his hand, crashed over me with the impact of a speeding train. "No!" I yelped, scrambling to take back his hand. "You can't leave! Please don't leave me!"

Tamaki was shocked. "But Samayu, I have to—"

"No!" I insisted. Staring at my feet, I admitted in a voice so soft that even I could barely hear it, "I can't do this alone."

I heard him gasp.

I swallowed hard and looked him in the eye. "I chose to trust you. I need help. Okay? I need help. I need… you." That was harder to say than I thought it would be. "I need you to stay with me. I can't do this alone."

Tamaki looked unsurely from me to Dr. Kamiya and back again. To her, he asked, "Is it alright if I stay with her, then?"

She pursed her lips. "I can't say it's standard protocol, but if Miss Yojin feels she won't be able to move forward without you present, I won't refuse."

I stared at Tamaki pleadingly.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_It wasn't like I needed him specifically, I told myself. I just needed support and Tamaki was so stupid he'd give it to anyone – even a girl who he hates and who hates him. I just needed someone who would hold my hand throughout the procedure and tell me it was almost over, that it was alright, that I was doing well._

_I really am a child. Such a child. But it was all that could get me through it_.

* * *

**Fin! For chapter eleven, of course. Chapter twelve coming soon!**

**If any of you follow my other stories, you may have noticed a pattern by now. I have a medical fetish, obviously. I don't know why I find the "main character scared of doctors, love interest gets to comfort them" plot so appealing, but I do. I think it's cute! Although if you're into more hands on stuff, check out my Kuroshitsuji fic (Of Demons and Dentists) chapter 3 for Sebbie exercising some dentistry skills. Oh, the horror…**

**I have two different ideas for next chapter and I have no idea which one I'd rather go with. So I turn to you, dear readers. Let's get some votes in! Private message me, review, whatever you want… just give me some feedback so I can decide what I want to do next! Writer's block is refusing to leave me!**

**Samayu, after disrobing (i.e. changing into shorts and a tank top) is caught red-handed from the bandages running up and down her arms and legs… Romance will be on the down low with this idea, and we'll probably see some more of Samayu's bitter anger surge… in other words, lots more yelling and maybe Tamaki getting slapped.**

**Samayu refuses to disrobe (i.e. change into shorts and a tank top) and gets through with a whole lot more tears and romantic sorts of things from Tamaki, leaving the secret to come out for a later date (although not too much later. I'm as eager for Tamaki to figure it out as I'm sure most of you are). That means less screaming and a better basis for my romantic thing going on between Tamaki and Samayu.**

**Send me your thoughts! Both choices lead the story in different directions for the next couple chapters, although I know where I want my story to go overall. There will be fluff in store for chapters following option two and probably a lot of tense moments following option one. So choose carefully! And I'll figure it out from there…**

**In a way, I'm always excited for my next chapters… because even I'm not sure what I'll do next! I love you all and apologize once again for the way this chapter did little to beef up my plot… sigh… it'll move along next time…**

**Phantom, out!**


	12. Trust Freaks Me Out

**Okay, so option one has won by a landslide. To be honest, I kind of expected that and have been preparing myself for this chapter… though not as much as I might have been able to in a typical couple of weeks. My **_**Pet Shop of Horrors**_** fanfic has been demanding much of my attention. Maybe I'll get chapter four of that one posted… eventually…**

**I would like to thank everyone who reviews this story! You are all such an inspiration! It is very encouraging to have people eager for my next chapters and offering insights to my characters. And I want to make this chapter as long as I can because I missed my update last week (which I am SO SORRY for, by the way! I've felt guilty all week)! Also, I want to read more of a lovely Ouran fic written by one of my readers… especially since I only get to read fics on the weekends. So I'll be writing like the wind tonight!**

**I do not own Ouran or any of its wonderfully insane characters. Nor do I own Pet Shop of Horrors. But, oh, how I wish I did..**.

* * *

"We'll begin presently, then," Dr. Kamiya said briskly, pulling a clipboard from the drawer of the desk she sat at and attaching a physical form to it. "Miss Yojin, if you wouldn't mind disrobing behind that curtain." She indicated the long curtain separating a section of the clinic from the rest to my left as she clicked a pen and began scratching what little of my information she knew and what Tamaki would be able to assist her with onto the form's top.

I seemed to be suddenly frozen. It took a gentle nudge from Tamaki to get me to even take a step forward. "Go on," he urged me comfortingly. "It's alright."

"You won't leave?" The question escaped my lips before I could stop it, revealing my doubts about Tamaki's promise to stay by my side.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_So, I have trust issues. Can you blame me?_

_I mean, seriously. My dad is dead; hence, the abandonment issues. My mom won't speak to me – she'll barely even look at me – even though throughout my childhood she promised to always be there for me. From that spawns more abandonment issues and my trust issues. Then you have Raito, of course, who is the core of most, if not all, of my issues._

_He said he'd be a good father. Lie. He told me he wouldn't hurt me. Lie._

_There is one thing Raito says, however, that I do believe: he will not stop doing what he does to me until he has ruined me so thoroughly I will never be able to think of anyone but him_.

* * *

Tamaki squeezed my hand reassuringly and smiled. "Of course not. I'll stay until you want me to go. I promise. I won't let anything hurt you."

Damn him and his host nature. He wouldn't have been half as good at this if he wasn't entertaining countless girls with sweet nothings day after day. Hell, he was probably only doing this for me on pure instinct as a host. I found it very strange that, even if that were the case, I couldn't care less. He was here, and he was going to stay with me throughout the extent of my exam. That was all I cared about.

My nerves temporarily pacified, I slipped behind the curtain and pulled the yellow uniform dress off, glad, as I was each time I took off my uniform, to be rid of it. I eagerly kicked off the shoes I had to wear with it, too.

There were sets of different clothes to wear during exams set up on a small table in the corner – all short and somewhat revealing, which made sense, but better than feeling entirely exposed. The girls' clothes consisted of a pair of very short gray shorts and a white spaghetti strap tank top. I grabbed a set and threw them on, thankful, for once, that I was at a rich kids' school and not another, because no other school would have dreamed of treating their students so well for a physical exam.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I completely forgot about the bandages._

_How the hell could I have been so stupid? I was only covered in them, for heaven's sake! You'd think I'd have been a little more careful! But I was just so jacked up with nerves and freaked out by the prospect of having a doctor examining me that I guess my mind was just numb by the time I stepped out from behind that curtain. And oh, god, when I did_…

* * *

Tamaki stared at me, obviously horrified. "Samayu!" he gasped. I couldn't figure out what had him so worked up. It was me, just a whole lot more of me than he was used to seeing. Actually, I don't think I'd shown this much of my skin to anyone willingly since, you know, never. Even as a kid, when I went swimming I'd wear basketball shorts and a t-shirt over my suit because I felt too exposed.

"Samayu," Tamaki breathed, wide-eyed. "Who did this to you?"

That's when I remembered. I remembered much too late.

I felt a little sick when I realized I'd been too careless. I didn't know if I was blushing or turning green. "Um… it's nothing," I mumbled,

"Nothing?" Tamaki repeated in disbelief, horror in his voice. "Samayu, you have bandages everywhere on you! How on earth did you get so… injured? I mean, did you fall off a cliff or something?"

"Don't be ridiculous," I said nervously as I tied my hair back. I wasn't sure if I was less comfortable now, trying to avoid answering Tamaki's questions, than I would be in a few moments while Dr. Kamiya performed my physical. "I'm just a klutz and get careless. It's not a big deal. It's not even worth worrying about."

"You're hurt and telling me it's nothing to worry about? I need to know how you got so hurt!" Tamaki exclaimed.

I was getting irritated. "Maybe it's just none of your business!" I snapped without thinking. I realized an instant later how rude that had been, especially since he was about to be my pillar of strength, and clapped a hand over my mouth, horrified by my own candor. "I am so sorry," I breathed. "It just… slipped out! I couldn't stop it!"

Tamaki sighed. "It's fine. I expect that sort of thing now. But that still doesn't change the fact that you're covered in all those–!"

Dr. Kamiya interrupted him before he could continue, and spared me from having to fabricate a lie. "Mr. Suoh, if you cannot remain calm then I am afraid I will be forced to ask you to leave," she said pointedly to Tamaki. Turning to me, she said in a much gentler tenor, "Miss Yojin, if you could please come over here…"

* * *

Diary excerpt

_And so it began. The first few minutes weren't so bad. It didn't require physical contact, you see. I find that I can remain pretty calm when people aren't touching me against my will or without my permission. If I approach somebody, then I can handle contact. It's when I'm not prepared or I don't want to be touched that I have a problem with people hugging me or brushing against me, and even tapping on my shoulder to get my attention._

_It's just that Raito, when he touches me, hurts me so much that I feel the ghost of his hands each time someone else lays theirs on me. It terrifies me. I'm almost even afraid of other people. I don't want to be so scared anymore. I want to be normal. I want to be happy._

_I just don't want to be scared anymore_.

* * *

Dr. Kamiya started off by measuring my height, which hasn't changed even a fraction of an inch for the past two years, and then my weight. I made sure Tamaki's eyes were shut tight before even stepping on that scale. That information is_ my_ business. And I was totally okay throughout those parts. Then she had me sit in a chair while she took my blood pressure. Some contact required, but Tamaki held my hand throughout the procedure, which I was infinitely grateful for. Not that I'd ever let him know that, of course.

Then she performed a general medical questionnaire. Basic stuff like family medical histories and other things that made me blush all the way down to my toes when I responded. I'm almost sure Tamaki was ready to clap his hands over his ears near the end. I would have even encouraged that, because there is no way he wanted to hear about my relationship with Mother Nature and her monthly "gift" less than I wanted to talk about it around him.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I was humiliated to say out loud that I am taking – wait for it – birth control pills. Raito forced them on me for a while and now I just take them with nothing more to say. He can't have me, his rape victim, getting pregnant, now can he? And even if I did, I'm sure he'd knock me out and perform an abortion on his own child by his own hand. To be honest, if I did get pregnant and have the child, I am sure I'd never be able to love it. Not when it shares the same genes as the man who has raped me countless times. I would hate my own child, and that would simply secure the spot I am sure I have by now in Hell_.

_I told Dr. Kamiya that taking the pills was simply to make that (insert sarcasm here) lovely time of the month easier to manage. And she believed me._

_As I said, I'm going to Hell_.

* * *

And then Dr. Kamiya said the words that triggered somewhat of a panic attack. "Well, we have all the preliminary items out of the way. On the table, if you please," she said matter-of-factly, indicating the examination table pushed against the wall to her left.

I sucked in a shallow breath and found myself rendered unable to exhale. My chest was too tight. It was starting. She'd be touching me when I didn't want her to, even if I had sort of given her permission to do it.

Images of Raito's gleeful, sadistic expression flashed through my mind.

"Samayu! Breathe!" Tamaki said urgently, wrenching me out of my memories and hurling me into short, gasping breaths that morphed rapidly into hyperventilating.

"I changed my mind," I whispered tearfully, squeezing my eyes shut in a desperate attempt to shut out my reality, burying my face in my hands. _Raito's face, filled with ecstasy, looming over me_… "I can't do this. I know I can't! There's just no way that I can let this happen to me!"

"Samayu," Tamaki said. I felt both his hands on my shoulders and flinched. He didn't move them away. His hands were steady. "Samayu, look at me."

I shook my head, afraid to open my eyes. _Raito's hands cradling my hips, forcing my legs apart_. I didn't want anyone to touch me. I didn't ever want to be touched again, by anyone.

Whose hands were on my shoulders again? I wanted them off!

"Samayu. Look at me. You can do this."

Oh, right. They were Tamaki's hands. Not Raito's large, demanding hands. Gentle hands. Tamaki wasn't going to hurt me. He promised not to let anything hurt me. Slowly, I opened my eyes and lifted my head.

Tamaki's violet eyes were much closer than I had expected. My heart skipped a beat even as it was pounding from terror. He was kneeling on one knee in front of me, arms extended towards me with his hands on my shoulders. "What did I say before you got changed?" he murmured.

I had to even out my breathing before I could reply. "You… you said you wouldn't leave."

"What else?"

"That… You said… that you weren't going to let anything hurt me," I whispered. I found that breathing more normally was clearing my head. I was rationalizing instead of making rash assumptions and trying to calm myself instead of letting my fear eat away at me. "You promised," I added softly, reminding him as much as I was myself.

"Yeah," he said, smiling. "I promised. So I'm not going to leave until you get through this, and I'm not going to let you get hurt." Very slowly, he leaned forward until he had his arms wrapped around me, keeping me in a tight embrace. My arms hung limply at my side. I was too shocked to even move.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_He was hugging me. And I wasn't freaking out, which, ironically enough, was kind of freaking me out. I was letting it happen without getting scared of him. I haven't let anyone hug me in months. I've hugged people – my mom, for instance, and Tamaki after he opened that closet door – but when people tried to hug me I'd recoil so violently they'd hesitate, giving me enough time to run._

_I was scared of myself in that moment. But only myself. Not of anything else_.

* * *

"Do you trust me?" Tamaki asked quietly.

_Dear God… I trust this boy. I even like having his arms wrapped around me. God, if you're still listening to me… let me have this happiness_, I prayed, my eyes shut and tears sliding down my cheeks. This is what I'd been wanting for months. Someone I could trust. Someone who made me feel safe.

And damn it, why, of all people, did it have to be Tamaki? I mean, I know God probably deserves a good laugh now and then, but this was some cruel comedy.

I think that raising my arms and hugging him back was more than enough confirmation for Tamaki than a shuddery "yes" would have been. I clung to him like I'd die if I let go and cried until my tears were all used up before I finally decided I was ready to let go and face my physical exam.

My legs shook as I stood and approached the exam table. Dr. Kamiya, who had witnessed Tamaki's and my moment, stood aside, completely neutral. It was very professional. I even admired her for it. Tamaki stood very close to me at all times, I'm assuming so that he could catch me if my knees buckled. When I reached the table, I found my legs too weak to jump onto the table.

I gasped when I felt Tamaki's hands on my waist. Before I could struggle, he lifted me onto the table. I remembered to breathe. Breathing was essential to remaining calm.

Tamaki hopped right onto the table next to me and took my hand, squeezing it comfortingly. "Are you still frightened?" he asked softly. I nodded, knowing lying was completely pointless. It was all over my expression. He chuckled, much to my surprise. "I thought you were so strong," he said, amused. "It shocks me that something like this frightens you so much."

I bit my lip and looked away, humiliated. Tamaki sighed and I glanced back at him. He was shaking his head. "What?" I asked.

"No matter what, you're still yourself."

Dr. Kamiya approached us, putting on her stethoscope. I tensed up. Tamaki leaned over and whispered, "If you're scared, close your eyes."

I shook my head. Better to know what was coming than to be ignorant of it. "I'm okay," I lied. "Just… don't let go of my hand."

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I survived a physical exam. Tamaki was possibly the best thing that could have happened to me today. He knew everything I needed to stay calm. I don't know if that was his Host instinct or whatever, but I am so grateful. So, so grateful. He held my hand when Dr. Kamiya listened to my heart and to my lungs, and as she checked my reflexes. I was so jumpy I doubt I could have failed that one if I tried. He woman had to poke and prod at my stomach at one point, even though I was totally against it, and Tamaki ran his fingers through my hair. I used to love it when my dad did that._

_Tamaki even knew when to make the exam pause for me to regain my resolve._

_I cried a lot today. And I don't even care._

_Tamaki was a miracle. I can't hate him anymore. I don't hate him anymore._

_But right now, I don't particularly like him. Because what he did afterwards was completely inexcusable_.

* * *

"We're done," Dr. Kamiya announced at long last. I let out a long sigh of relief. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she stretched out her arms and stood up, tucking the clipboard beneath her arm. "That's it. Exams are over. You two are out of school."

I glanced at Tamaki. "But… but Tamaki didn't get his exam yet…" I began, but he shook his head, stopping me, and Dr. Kamiya left the room.

"It's okay," Tamaki shrugged, completely indifferent. "I can swing by an Otori hospital after school, easily. I'm more worried about how you're holding up."

"I'm fine," I blushed. "Now that it's over and all."

We sat there for a minute, staring at each other in an awkward silence. I finally spoke up. "Tamaki?"

"Yes?"

"You're still holding onto my hand."

"Oh! Right!" he turned noticeably red and dropped my hand.

I clambered off the exam table at once. "I'm going to get changed," I mumbled, staring at my bare feet.

"Samayu, wait!" Tamaki burst, hopping down off the table as well. "I just… I can't ignore it. I have to know. How did you get all those bandages?"

Damn it. "I don't want to talk about it," I said at once, turning away from him.

"But—!"

"No, Tamaki. I really don't want to talk about it. Okay? Just forget it." I took a first, determined step towards the curtain.

"But Samayu, wait a second!" Tamaki exclaimed, grabbing my wrist.

Instinct kicked in and I wrenched my hand away from him – but the bandage remained in Tamaki's hand. It ripped and unraveled, remaining in Tamaki's hand.

I was horrified. And I was screwed.

Tamaki gasped and took a step back, staring at the bandage that had remained in his hand, dotted with specks of my blood. And then he saw my arm. "Oh my god!" he yelped, obviously horrified. "Samayu, what is that? What on earth happened?"

"It's nothing!" I repeated uselessly, backing away from him. "Really! It's just a few cuts—"

"Cuts? Oh, god!" He reached out for my wrist again and held onto it, even though I tried to wrench it away from him again. He stared at the scars and scabbed lines, some still bleeding, adorning my arm with an expression of mingled disgust and shock on his face. Turning slightly green, he asked, "Samayu… are you… doing this to yourself?"

I couldn't even see his face anymore. The world was a blur. I don't know where these fresh tears were coming from, but boy, were there going to be waterworks.

Slowly, I nodded.

* * *

**Ooooh, boy! What will happen? Tamaki knows! He KNOWS!**

**Also, I succeeded in writing a long chapter! Over 3500 words! Woohoo!**

**I am really happy with this right now! I hope all of you are too! And once again, I apologize for the delay. I do hope it was worth the wait.**

**My mind is a bit scattered by now… it's 1:30 a.m., I'm trying to keep up with this fic and my Pet Shop of Horrors fic, and I just got really into **_**Alice in the Country of Hearts.**_** I'm a sucker for **_**Alice in Wonderland**_** spinoffs. Also, I just started reading Dengeki Daisy… so cute!**

**Anyway, that's where my mind is at tonight. Not that it had anything to do with this fic. Teehee =3**

**Review, please! I crave your opinions! That's right, I'm talking to you! I know you're reading this! (attempts hypnotizing) Review… review… review…**

**Haha. Love you all and see you in chapter thirteen!**

**Phantom, out!**


	13. Racing Away from Him

**This will be short. I'm sorry! I just needed a jumpstart to get this story moving. I think it succeeds. Also, note Kyoya in this chapter. He is all Shadow King, all the time! Enjoy chapter thirteen, and once again, I own nothing!**

* * *

Tamaki's eyes grew wide with horror, which I was prepared for. I fully expected him to be appalled by what I do to myself. And who wouldn't be? I was a despicable creature. He was probably disgusted that he'd ever come within five feet of me. I honestly expected him to go bolting out of the room and run crying to his little host club. No doubt Kyoya would be delighted for this juicy bit of information. I was sure the entire school would know by tomorrow. Hell, something like this might merit expulsion if he managed to find out I cut myself during school that one time last week. Then he'd finally get what he wanted – me, gone.

But Tamaki didn't run. He looked conflicted, but he didn't run. "Go get dressed," he said grimly.

I didn't need to be told twice. I was almost desperate for an invitation to get out of his sight. It's not like he was acting angry to find out that I was cutting or even frightened, He seemed… disappointed and sad, even concerned.

I slid behind the curtain and dropped to the floor, burying my face in my hands and breathing heavily. I don't know why I was so shaken up. It wasn't a life or death situation. He just found out about the cutting. No big deal… right?

Oh, who was I kidding? It was a big deal and I was about to have a nervous breakdown because I was terrified he'd tell everybody and I'd get expelled. Who knows what Raito would do to punish me…?

I shuddered and tried to regain my composure, following a series of commands I was giving myself. Things like _Take off the shorts now_, and _Put the right shoe on first_. I somehow managed to get out of the skimpy outfit I had donned for my physical and back into my hideous uniform that I had been so happy to be rid of at first with no incident, even if it was dreadfully slow. When I pushed the curtains aside and stepped out, I found Tamaki waiting for me. He was leaning against the wall near the door, a roll of fresh bandages clutched in his hand. That I was not surprised to see – he was, due to that club of his, a gentleman, and this room, being a clinic, was probably full of them.

I approached him slowly, overwhelmed by a feeling of humiliation. Tamaki reached for my hand and I went rigid, letting him take it. He pushed the sleeve of my dress up and began winding the bandage around my arm, covering up my scars. "It looks painful," he said quietly as he tied the dressing up and returned my arm to me.

I stared at my shoes. "Not… not really," I mumbled, unable to think of anything else to say. I was too nervous and embarrassed to come up with witty or sarcastic remarks. Neither of us said anything for a long time. I couldn't even look up.

I finally heard him open the door. "Come on," he said sternly.

I found the strength to look at him, surprised by the amount of determination in his expression. "Come where?" I asked without thinking.

He grabbed my wrist, a little more gently than he used to, before he knew about my cutting, and pulled me into the hall. "You're going to explain this to me. All of it."

I gasped and stopped short. Tamaki stumbled, regained his balance, and turned around. "Samayu, you didn't honestly expect me to just let you go, did you? Not after what just happened."

Actually, that's exactly what I thought he would do. Blushing a little, I muttered, "Maybe I don't want to talk about it."

"You think I don't know that? I get it. Nobody likes talking about stuff like this. But you need to. That's the way it works. Now, come on." He pulled at my arm again. I remained where I was. "Samayu!" he said, obviously frustrated.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_He freaked me out when he said I was going to explain all of it. I can never, ever tell anyone about Raito. My dad's death, sure. That's understandable, right? He was the only person I loved unconditionally. And then there's the issue of my mom, who spaced out after my dad's murder and barely acknowledges that I exist, let alone that I'm her daughter, anymore. There are lots of reasons for me to cut. It's just that they don't exactly merit the excuses I need to explain the amount that I cut. Who slices into every available space on their body for that? But rape… repeated rape… while that's the primary reason I do it, it's also the reason I will never speak aloud. I'm almost afraid of the word_ rape_. I will take what Raito does to me to my grave. Of that I am certain_.

* * *

"You wouldn't understand!" I said angrily, hastily wiping the tears clouding my vision away. "Not everybody lives the perfect life that you do, okay?!"

Tamaki froze. "You think my life is perfect? You really _don't_ have any clue of what you're talking about, do you?"

Oh, great. Now I'd made him mad. "What do you mean? How could your life be anything but perfect?!"

He hesitated before trying to respond, a task he plainly found difficult. "My family… isn't… exactly…" He took a deep breath. "Okay, fine. You got me. I don't want to talk about it. But it's not as though I'm cutting myself over it. So, in that respect, you _do_ have to talk."

"I don't _have_ to do anything," I muttered, but I let him continue leading me down the hall anyway. "So where are we going?"

"I have to take care of something real quick."

I wasn't concerned all that much until I realized he was leading me towards Music Room Three. "Why are we going to your club?" I squeaked, horrified. That's where Kyoya was, and the last thing I wanted was for Kyoya Otori to have any idea of what had just happened between me and Tamaki.

"I'm late for the club meeting. I have to go apologize," he explained as we began to make our way up the stairs.

Oh, great. What the hell was this? Some way to reel me in and make me a guest of the host club against my will? I didn't want to go anywhere near that place!

My misgivings showed in my footfalls, which became very choppy and uncertain as we finished ascending the stairs and headed down the hall towards the door of Music Room 3. Tamaki paused. "Are you okay?"

I bit my lip. "Um… I don't really feel… I mean, the Host Club isn't exactly… I don't want to go in there," I finished in a voice so small Tamaki could probably barely hear it.

"Why?" he asked, looking puzzled. "You're not a guest. I was only going to ask Kyoya to apologize to the ladies waiting for an audience with me. I'm skipping today's meeting."

Well, I felt dumb. "Oh," I said feebly. "Okay."

"It'll only take a minute," Tamaki promised me, pulling me towards the door again. He opened it and we slipped inside.

It had a light and airy atmosphere about it, with girls chatting to the various boys in the room – except for one corner, which had a rather impressive group of girls that seemed to be waiting for someone. As Tamaki led me further into the area, girls started noticing that the Host Club King was here at last – and that he had "that freak" with him. Silence began to fall over the room and every eye turned towards us.

Then the whispers started. I caught several unflattering, rather offensive words aimed at me, and quite a few girls muttered about how sorry they felt for Tamaki. A few of them were cursing me under their breaths because he was holding my hand.

We approached Kyoya, who had an aura of fury about him even though it didn't show in his expression. His eyes flashed when he looked at me, and he turned to Tamaki. "Well, Tamaki, you're twenty minutes late," he said in a voice laced with dangerous pleasantry. "You have several ladies waiting to be entertained."

Even Tamaki looked nervous. Kyoya was practically shooting off _I hate you and you're making us lose money, you bastard_ waves, of an intense degree. "I'm afraid I can't host today, Kyoya," Tamaki said tensely. "Something's come up, you see, and I have to take care of it."

Kyoya made an angry mark on his clipboard. "Well, I certainly hope it's something highly important," he said, his tenor growing more lethal by the second, masked by nonchalance. "And not something you'll only be wasting your time with." When he spoke the last part, his eyes lingered on me.

I turned red with both fury and humiliation, but bit my tongue and kept quiet. That was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

"No. No, it certainly isn't," Tamaki said. "I'll apologize to the ladies personally." Still not letting go of my hand, he pulled me towards the group of girls waiting for him. "My dears," he began, with all the theatrics of a master host. "I am terribly sorry! I have found myself unable to attend today's meeting due to alarming circumstance, and it hurts me knowing I will not be able to gaze into each and every one of your beautiful eyes today! We shall have our reunion tomorrow and make up for lost time!" And he blew a kiss and a wink at them, and judging by their reactions, all was forgiven.

For him, at least. They were still glaring murderously at me.

I couldn't take it anymore. It was all too much. I bolted for the door and didn't look back, tears clouding my vision as girls began hollering things at me like _Don't come back_, and _You don't deserve to even be in this school, let alone visit this club_!

I thrust open the door and raced out into the hall. I felt like an icy hand had clutched at my heart and refused to let go. I was drowning again. I couldn't breathe.

"Samayu!" Tamaki's voice yelled from somewhere behind me as I made it to the stairs. "Wait up!"

I couldn't wait. I needed the blade. I needed it desperately. And I needed it now.

* * *

**Ta~da! Yeah, i know, short, stupid chapter. But i was stupid last night and read Ray online rather than writing. Shoot me a couple reviews? Predictions? Please =3 ? I love you all!**

**Phantom, out!**


	14. Reluctance and Idiocy

**It seems like it's been forever since I've written a chapter. Wow. Only a week, really? I don't believe it. Lots happened this week… I tried out for American Idol (don't look for me on TV, I didn't make it, haha), spent five hours frosting a cake for my 17****th**** birthday (which was Friday) in an Alice in Wonderland theme – you know why if you've been reading my previous author's notes – and went boating with my friends. Then, the next day, I made them dress up all pretty and we went FORMAL BOWLING and on a photo scavenger hunt in the local mall. Oodles of fun! And of course, I turned 17! Yay!**

**Anyway, that's what's going on in the life of ThePhantomAlchemist… not that you all needed to know, but I like telling you all anyway! So, enjoy these snippits from my life and enjoy chapter fourteen**!

* * *

I slammed the door of my car shut in a frenzy, tears pouring down my cheeks and my heart pounding so violently in my chest it hurt me. I was going to explode. Everything felt like it was on fire. I was going to die, right now, unless I managed to alleviate some of it _right this instant_. My bag. My blade. My blade was in my bag. My bag was on my lap.

I tore it open and dug my hands into it, searching frantically for the bag that held the small razor fragment that had been my relief countless times. It didn't seem to be anywhere.

I needed that damned thing _now_, why the hell couldn't I find it?!

"Where the fuck is it?!" I screamed through a choked sob, furious with everything. Why was it all so difficult?! Why was everything falling apart?!

And why the fuck couldn't I find my blade when I NEEDED IT, DAMMIT!

What was that? Plastic? Flimsy plastic?

Oh, thank god. I yanked the bag out and ripped it open, simply not caring anymore. I was even ready to die. Why not just slice into an artery and end it all?

It would make everything so much easier. My life would be so much easier if I didn't have to live it.

* * *

**~Tamaki~**

Tamaki was beginning to panic. He'd had a very bad feeling about Samayu as she ran out of the club room, and she'd lost him when she bolted down the stairs. Now he had no idea where she was or what she was doing, but judging by what he'd just discovered about her, he knew it probably wasn't something good.

Maybe he was just reading too much into things. Maybe she had just gotten freaked out and gone home –

Home. She had a car, didn't she? Yeah – she drove to school, which he noticed because it was uncommon for someone with her social status to drive rather than take a private car. She would have gone straight to her car. Right?

Before he really even knew what he was doing or where his thought process was headed, Tamaki found himself racing through the halls to get to the school's parking lot. He burst through the doors and ran out, scanning the pavement for her car – a black Nissan GT-R (**A/N that car costs about $107,000**). There were only a few cars left parked, and there was hers, near the lot's center. Tamaki sprinted towards it, the unease in his gut pressing him to run faster even as he reached his top speed.

She was there, in the driver's seat, focusing intently upon her schoolbag. It was almost like her life depended on something in that bag. Her expression was like a knife in his side – it was the face of someone burning alive on a pyre meant for their funeral, even though they weren't dead. He hesitated as he reached for the handle of the car door handle, wondering if he should disturb her. Maybe she just needed her keys?

She tugged something out of the bag and fumbled with it for a moment before, much to Tamaki's dismay, he saw the glint of metal and knew what it was. Horrified, he watched her yank up her sleeve and rip off the bandage he had so carefully wrapped not ten minutes beforehand. No way was he going to let her do that to herself again.

Just as she was pressing the blade against her arm with trembling figures, Tamaki thrust open her car door and yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!"

She started and dropped the blade, gasping. For a moment she seemed frozen, unable to even blink, before fury twisted her expression, giving her a demonic look when it mingled with the tears on her cheeks and the red hue of her skin from her sobs, and screamed back, "What the hell are _you_ doing?! You can't just go barging into other people's cars, idiot! Go away and leave me alone! Okay?! It's none of your business!"

"You think I'm going to just stand here and watch you slice into your arm? Good lord, I thought you were supposed to be intelligent!" Tamaki snapped, fed up with Samayu. He'd had it with her snarky attitude and fierce rebuttals. All he wanted to do was help! It physically hurt him, watching her self-destruct the way she was. He didn't know why it affected him so much, but it did. "And why did you run away?! I thought you agreed to tell me what's going on!"

"I wasn't going to just stand there and let everybody – let everybody –!" Samayu spluttered, rendered unexpectedly speechless. The rage faded out of her expression, replaced with a look of loneliness and pain unlike anything Tamaki had ever seen. "All those girls… the way they looked at me," Samayu burst out, tears beginning to pour out of her eyes. "I'm not a freak! I'm not! Sometimes I think I am and say I am, but I didn't really believe it! Not until they all started looking at me like I was one!" She buried her face in her hands and broke down entirely, crying in what seemed to be an uncontrollable manner. "I'm not a freak," she repeated through her racking sobs. "I'm not a freak."

Tamaki swallowed down the lump in his throat, resisting the urge to start crying himself. She was just so helpless and depressed. If only there was something he could do to help. He'd give anything in the world if she'd only stop crying. "Move over," he said softly, picking the blade off the floor of her car and pocketing it. "You're obviously not fit to be driving. I'll do it."

"I can drive," Samayu mumbled, her face still in her hands.

"No, you can't. Get in the passenger's seat, Samayu."

She obliged after a long moment, grudgingly, still loath to resurface from her hands Tamaki crawled into the driver's side and found she had already jammed the key into the ignition. He turned it and the car roared to life. Damn, it was a nice car. It vibrated softly with the purr of the engine, but smoothly. It was almost a soothing experience.

"You don't know how to get to my house," Samayu said in a muffled voice.

Tamaki shifted into drive. "That's okay. We're not going to your house. We're going to mine."

* * *

**~Samayu~**

To be honest, I was rather impressed by the size of the Suoh mansion. It was nearly twice the size of my home. I don't know why I was so surprised, since they are the richest family in Japan, but I was.

It was somewhat humiliating to have to ride in my car rather than drive it, but I have to admit it was more comfortable. My legs were curled into my chest and my chin rested on my knees. I watched the world roll past me without having to worry about how fast we were going or when it was safe to pass a bus pulled over to accept passengers on a country road (which is never safe, for anyone out there who doesn't know).

Tamaki pulled up to the front of the mansion and a small cluster of servants surged forward from the front door, eager to accept their young master. One opened my door for me, but Tamaki ran over to my side and helped me out so the butler wouldn't have to try. Tamaki passed my car keys to him and gave him instructions on where to park my car before he led me inside, his hand wrapped around mine.

As I climbed the stairs into his mansion, my blisters stabbed at my feet. I grimaced. I hate those damned Mary-Janes. When we got inside I kicked them off immediately. I didn't ever want to see them again.

Another group of servants swarmed us when we had gotten not five feet into the mansion. From what I could understand, this was a daily ritual in which they presented Tamaki with more casual clothes and informed him of the current important happenings of the house and new developments in his schedule. I didn't really listen to the schedule stuff, but the change of clothes intrigued me. Tamaki noticed my interest, thank goodness.

"Oh, Sonia," he said, turning to one of the maids. "Do you think you could find something more casual for my school friend here? Something Miss Hitachin sent over a while ago should be fine…"

The woman, Sonia, nodded and scurried off, returning a minute later with a sequined red tank top, a gray sweater, a black skirt made of some loose black material that would probably only reach down to my mid-thighs, and a pair of sandals with red flower decorations. Tamaki was led one was and I was instructed to another, though I heard him arrange for them to set the living room up for us.

I was led through a labyrinth of halls and allowed a guest room to change my clothes in. I found the sweater's sleeves reached only to my elbows, which did little to hide the bandage on my right arm and the angry red lines from my recent cutting adventure on my left. Still, it was better than being in that hideous yellow school dress. The skirt, if I pulled it low enough, just barely covered the bandages on my upper thighs.

I stuffed the uniform into my bag and slung it over my shoulders. I noticed then that my strong and urgent need for the blade had passed, even though my heart was still aching dully. I could survive a little longer without cutting. I realized I hadn't retrieved my blade after I'd dropped it. Maybe it had fallen in the parking lot. If that were the case, I knew I'd never see it again. Oh, well. There were more razors out there with more blades, and I still had two perfectly good blades in my desk drawer at home.

When I emerged from the room, I was led back through the halls until we reached a room that must have served as a parlor – it had a pair of couches arranged in a ninety-degree angle around a low, chic coffee table. A flat screen television hung on the wall in front of the couches with a surround sound system. There were pictures on the wall and potted plants in the corners. At one end of the room was a small table with two chairs.

Tamaki was sitting on an end of one of the couches, waiting for me. He was wearing a loose pair of faded blue jeans and a yellow sweater. He stood up when I came in, eyeing my bandaged and mutilated arms, but said nothing. He sent the servants away and beckoned me forward. "Sit," he said simply, sinking back into his own seat and waiting for me to accompany him.

I sat a few feet away from him, staring down into my lap. I knew what he was waiting for.

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_He wanted my explanations. He wanted to know why I cut, where I cut, how often. Anyone in their right mind would. And explanations, I had plenty of. Explanations I could tell him about, however, were a different story. I couldn't even breathe Raito's name. And since Raito is, of course, my main problem, there wasn't a whole lot more for me to say on the subject._

_But I wanted to say something. Because, for some unexplainable reason, the boy sitting not five feet away from me, watching me with those beautiful violet eyes and waiting for my explanations, was the person who I wanted most in the world to see me as Samayu Yojin – not the freak who cuts herself_.

* * *

At long last, I attempted to speak. "There are a lot of… reasons for what I do," I said shakily. "I'm not just some wanna-be emo looking for attention."

"I never said that," Tamaki replied, fidgeting uncomfortably. "It's just… can I ask you something?"

"I guess." Here come the questions. Why do I cut myself? Doesn't it hurt? Can't I just not be a cutter?

"Is this what you were doing… the first time we met?"

Not what I was expecting, which somehow made it worse. I looked away from him, blushing furiously. "Yeah," I whispered, ashamed. "I was having a really rough day."

"Okay," he said gently, not prying any further. "But… what happened?"

"What do you mean? Why do I do it?" I asked, a little bitterly. I was about to bare my soul to this guy, and I wasn't quite sure I was prepared.

"Yeah."

I took a deep breath. "Lots of reasons," I said simply. "I can't really explain it."

"Could you try?"

"No." I swallowed hard. I had already explained it countless times. In the pages of my diary. Why couldn't I say it out loud. Maybe… I could…

This had got to be the craziest thing I would ever do in my life. Slowly, I opened up my bag and pulled out the black journal in which I've been recording my thoughts for the last several months. "Everything is in here," I said quietly. "I write almost everything down. I'll let you see some of it. But only some. And if you try to look at pages I didn't tell you to… I swear, I'll cut off your fingers."

I think he believed me, even though I was only half-serious. I'd probably only kick him so hard in the balls that he'd never be able to have kids. Although, to most men, that's probably worse than losing a few fingers…

I opened my diary and began to find the pages Tamaki should see to get an idea of the pain I go through every day.

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_He's dead. He's dead. Somebody killed him. My dad is just… gone. I'll never see him again or hear his voice ever again. Somebody blew him to bits. Somebody wanted him dead._

_I wish I was dead._

_Everything hurts. Everything is meaningless. I don't love anybody anymore. There was only one person I truly loved. He's gone. I'm never going to see him again, we are never going to laugh together again. He's never going to see me through high school or college. He'll never give me away at my wedding._

_I feel like someone's smashed me to bits with a hammer and is vacuuming up the pieces, letting the fragments of myself go flying in a chaotic tornado of death and misery, and then they dumped the vacuum into an incinerator just to watch it burn. Just to watch me perish._

_I don't know what to do. I feel hollow. I read somewhere once that a soul can discard its body while the body is still alive. Like a ship whose crew just abandoned it for no reason at all. That's how I feel. Hollow. Empty. Worthless._

* * *

_My mom won't talk to me anymore. She won't even look at me anymore._

_Did I do something wrong?_

* * *

_I dyed my hair. It's red. It looks horrible. It matches the person inside now. My own mother won't look at me because I'm so horrible. She says she won't look at me because I look too much like my dad. I can change that much, at least. I just want her to love me. I want to be able to love her._

_I got contacts too. They're gold and look freaky. I chose them for that reason. Now my hair isn't like my dad's and my eyes aren't either._

_I don't even recognize the person I see in the mirror anymore._

* * *

_Mom still won't look at me. I don't know. I just don't know._

* * *

_I cut today. It was only too easy. And it hurt so badly, but at the same time it felt so good. I found out that bleeding helps today when I accidentally nicked myself shaving. It was all I could think about. The pain. Just for an instant._

_I needed so much more than just one instant._

_Maybe it is a good thing Mom won't look at me anymore. I wouldn't know how to explain the bandages on my arms and legs to her even if she asked_.

* * *

I skipped every mention of Raito and went straight to the passage I wrote my second day of school.

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_I always ask myself why I do it. I can't really find an answer._

_Does it hurt? Sort of. It feels better than… everything else._

* * *

_But when the scars start to heal, I begin to feel crushed again. That's how life is. It's like there are always frigid, torrential waves beating down upon me, and I'm drowning. I can't breathe, but I go on living. Sometimes things will happen that make it worse. And the pain of feeling anything at all becomes nearly unbearable._

_When the physical pain goes away, I resume drowning. So then I have to cut again._

* * *

"I can't read anymore," Tamaki said suddenly, snapping my diary shut and holding it out to me. He looked a little green. "Was that… blood… on some of the pages?"

I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip as I stuffed my journal back into my bag.

"I had no idea, Samayu," Tamaki told me softly, his voice trembling. "I am so sorry. For… everything. It tears me apart, knowing you're hurting so much."

I nodded slowly. "I know that cutting is… wrong, but I just… I don't know how to make things any better."

"Do you want to… to not?"

I stared at him. "I don't know what you mean."

"Do you want to… you know, stop?"

"Sometimes," I sighed, shutting my eyes. "But usually something happens that reminds me why I need it so much."

"Come to the Host Club meetings!" Tamaki suddenly blurted out, looking almost horrified by his boldness.

I was so shocked I could only stare at him. I had no idea where that came from.

Tamaki blushed and said quickly, "Not as a guest or anything! I mean, you can sit in the corner and read or do homework or anything for all I care! I'll make sure Kyoya doesn't charge you as a guest! I just… I want to be able to… to…"

"Keep an eye on me?" I offered bitterly.

He pursed his lips. "Sort of."

I'd have to think about it. "Listen…" I said, glancing at a clock hung on the wall. "It's getting late and I should be getting home, you know?"

"Is your stepdad waiting for you?"

I froze as I was getting up. "Well… no. He's in Kyoto on business."

"What about your… your mom?" he asked hesitantly. I could understand that, after what I'd just let him read.

"She's out of town, too."

"Why do you want to go home, then? No one's there, right?"

Oh, god. "No. I guess not," I mumbled. The servants didn't really count, anyway.

"Then you should stay here!" Tamaki offered, leaping to his feet. "We have all these spare rooms, and I just… I can't stand the thought of you going home all by yourself."

I swallowed back a snide comment of _Why, so you can keep an eye on me and make sure the cutter-freak doesn't hurt herself_?

I couldn't see any way out of it. Even though it would mean another long day without a blade… "Fine," I sighed, holding my head. "I'll stay."

* * *

**Fin!**

**This is actually fairly long. I enjoy doing diary excerpts.**

**I need to go continue reading my AP English books now… yuck. Thank goodness the fair's in town. I need a break. And I have no idea when I'll get the time to write my next **_**Pet Shop of Horrors**_** fic chapter. Summer is nearly over! T.T I'm going to cry so hard on the first day of school.**

**Love you all! Thanks for reading! AND YOUR REVIEWS (wishful thinking, perhaps, but seriously. Review.)!**

**Phantom, out!**


	15. Insomnia CAN Give You a Heart Attack

**Another week gone… and I still have 650 pages left of AP English reading before school starts on Wednesday. Where did the summer go? WHERE?! It's times like these I wish for the "Endless Eight", those eight episodes of **_**The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya**_** where the last two weeks of summer repeat over and over endlessly. Wouldn't that be nice…? I've had a lot of fun these past couple weeks.**

**For example, I got with my friends and we went to the local fair this week. I tried deep fried cheesecake for the first time. If that sounds appealing to you, trust me: it's NOT. It was so gross… and then going on a couple of those stomach-churning rides wasn't such a good idea afterwards… good thing I've got a strong stomach! But I did get a glitter tattoo of the Japanese kanji for "love" on my left arm. It'll come off in a couple days or so. In the meantime, I'm really rather proud of it.**

**And so, we return to the events unfolding between Samayu and Tamaki. Not that most of you need a recap, but keep in mind that Samayu is spending the night at Tamaki's (in the most non-sexual sense possible, I promise. Or is that a disappointment to some of you…?). What will unfold this time? Find out… now!**

**Enjoy Chapter fifteen, everyone**!

* * *

"All right, then," Tamaki said, opening the door to the guest room. We had climbed a couple flights of stairs and woven through a labyrinth of hallways to even get here. I was so completely lost. "So, this is one of the bedrooms we don't use all that often," he told me. "It's no different from any other room in the house except that it's right across the hall from my bedroom. That's the door that leads to the bathroom, and that's the closet," he said, pointing at each door to their respective rooms. The closet door on the right, bathroom door on the left.

"Okay," I nodded. It was easy enough. The room was laid out like my room at home, just a bit bigger. "Anything else I should know? Like when I need to get up tomorrow or something?"

"Breakfast is at seven… I usually leave around 7:40," Tamaki replied.

Man, this was awkward. Luckily, though, someone knocked on the door and a maid came in, a pile of pristinely folded, snowy white towels in her arms. "Master Tamaki," she greeted him courteously. To me, she nodded and said, "Miss Yojin."

She went into the bathroom for a split second and came out with her arms empty. To Tamaki, she asked, "Is there anything I can do for your guest?"

"Stocking the closet would serve nicely, I think," Tamaki said, smiling. "Oh, and – Samayu, you still have your uniform, don't you?"

I stared at him. "Uh… yeah. Why?"

"I'll have it washed."

This is wealthy hospitality for you. Hell, if I were to ever have a guest at my house, I know I'd be doing the same thing. "Okay," I shrugged, opening my bag and pulling out the horrid yellow dress and the white tights that went with it. The maid took them graciously and bowed herself out of the room.

"I'll be right back," Tamaki said suddenly, racing from the room. I waited, dropping my bag onto an armchair in the corner and looking around, examining the paintings adorning the walls. Tamaki came back inside looking satisfied.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

"Oh… there was just something I forgot to tell Saki to do," Tamaki said nervously. "No big deal."

Yeah, right. I could guess. He was probably telling her to get rid of any razors that might be in the bathroom.

"Well, it's only 5:30," Tamaki said, turning to me. "Is there anything you want to do?"

I can think of plenty I'd like to do… what I'm allowed to do in front of Tamaki is another matter entirely. And of course, I don't have a blade at my disposal at the moment. "Not really."

"Oh." I guess he didn't have any ideas either. We stared at each other for a solid two minutes in uncomfortable silence before I finally couldn't take it anymore.

"Why don't we just watch a movie?" I suggested. It was a relatively painless activity. And plus, it was a good excuse to tell Tamaki to shut up if he tried talking to me. Really rather perfect.

I think Tamaki was so relieved we had an idea presented that he agreed at once. "All right! We have a ton of movies. You can pick it, if you want!"

Oh, good. I wanted something really, really long.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I chose the best movie I could find due to my criteria. Something long that I actually found entertaining. So in the end we watched_ The Lord of the Rings. _I was actually psyched because they were in Japanese, which is almost impossible to find. I'd only ever seen them in English with Japanese subtitles. Yes, I know, it's supposed to be something only nerds enjoy. Well, I am a nerd, and I actually really enjoyed it, even if I did have to explain what was going on to Tamaki half the time. He'd never seen them, which figures. Spoiled, popular rich kid with a host club to run and better things to do than watch one of the longest trilogies ever… to be honest, I'm shocked he's even seen the_ Harry Potter _films._

_Dinner was served once we finished the first movie, and Tamaki, to my surprise, was eager to watch the second. I've never seen anyone scarf down such fine cuisine so quickly. I mean, I like to taste my spaghetti before I swallow it. By the way, the Suoh family's personal chef – so much better than my family's_.

* * *

(**A/N If you haven't seen Lord of the Rings and do not wish for any part of the movies to be ruined, please skip over the next couple paragraphs straight to the second author's note, as this next part contains spoilers**.)

"Okay, so that girl – she's one of the good guys, right?"

"No, that's Grima," I explained, shaking my head. It was like he was only absorbing half the film. "She's working for Saruman. That's the evil white wizard who held Gandalf captive in the first movie."

I think he understood the part with the ent well enough, but Tamaki flipped out when Gandalf came back. "But he's dead! That monster thing killed him ages ago! How the hell is he still alive?!"

"Shush, he's explaining," I whispered, pressing a finger to my lips.

Tamaki stared, open-mouthed at the screen. "Wow! He's like Jesus!"

"That was kind of the point, yeah," I grinned. That's only a famous piece of literary symbolism. How did he not catch that earlier?

We got through the rest of this movie with plenty more interruptions – we had to pause it so I could explain to him the entire battle at Helm's Deep – but we did get through it. By the time Gollum had finished his split-personality conversation and had decided to let the ring kill Frodo and Sam and the end credits started rolling, I was nodding off.

(**A/N Spoilers are finished. If you chose not to read that last part, here's a recap: they got through the second movie and Samayu is about to fall asleep**. **Tada!**)

"We should watch the next one!" Tamaki exclaimed, leaping to his feet. "I have to know how this ends!"

I yawned and stretched out my arms. "Feel free," I said, exhausted. "I already know what happens, and I'm beat. I'm going to bed."

Tamaki looked disappointed. "But I can't watch it by myself."

"Why the heck not?"

He looked down at his toes and blushed. "That Sméagol thing creeps me out."

"That was intentional. Tamaki, it's almost midnight. I'm tired and I'm going to bed. We'll watch the movie some other time."

"So you'll be here tomorrow?"

I groaned. "Don't do this to me now. Just later, okay?"

"Fine," Tamaki sighed, shutting off the television. "Okay, let's go to bed."

I was actually glad he was accompanying me. I would have gotten lost in the mansion without him. I wasn't used to a house of this size.

We reached our bedrooms and Tamaki stopped. "Well… good night, Samayu."

"Night, Tamaki," I said groggily, slipping into the guest room.

The closet had been stocked, as Tamaki had instructed. I threw on a pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt about four sizes too big for me. I'd shower in the morning. It was too late now. I went into the bathroom and found everything I'd need to wash my face and brush my teeth, and did so. Before I left, I checked the shower and found my suspicions of what Tamaki had asked the maid for in the hall were dead on – instead of shaving cream and a razor I found an expensive cream that dissolved hair and you could just wash off instead of bothering with blades. Damn.

I shut the light off and went into the bedroom.

* * *

Dairy excerpt

_It seemed very alien. My room is covered in drawings and paintings and sketches of my own design. All this room had were some watercolor paintings of floral landscapes. Sighing, I turned the lights off and crawled into the bed, wishing for home. How strange. Almost every night I wish I was anywhere but home, and now that's where I wanted to be._

_I realized I had a problem. I wasn't tired at all anymore._

_I tried correcting it. I attempted various sleeping positions. It didn't help. I tried meditating. Didn't work. I even started counting sheep – and then I got distracted and started thinking about other stuff. Somehow, I wound up thinking about hot air balloons. Don't ask me how my train of thought got there. I couldn't tell you to save my life_.

* * *

Nothing worked. I would have to be more proactive. I flipped the bed sheets off of me and got out of bed, retrieving a pair of slippers from the closet and my diary and a pen from my bag before venturing out into the hall.

I got so lost.

That mansion is a maze designed to stump even the most experienced maze runners, I swear.

"Miss Yojin?" I heard someone say from behind me. I whirled around, startled. A maid I vaguely recognized from the doorway when Tamaki and I first got to the mansion was standing there, looking curious. "What are you doing in the servants' quarters? Is there something wrong?"

"Oh, no," I told her immediately, blushing. Wow. I went all the way to the servants' wing. I was so far beyond lost there wasn't even a word for it. "I was just looking for the kitchen and got a little turned around."

She looked slightly alarmed, for some reason.

Oh, of course. The knives were in the kitchen, and no doubt word that Tamaki's guest shouldn't have access to sharp things had gotten around by now.

"If there's something you need, I'd be glad to bring it up to your room," she offered. "Anything at all."

"Oh, that's not really necessary," I assured her. "I just can't sleep and I thought I might get a glass of warm milk or something and maybe jot down a few of my thoughts…"

She nodded slowly. "All right, then. I'll show you to the kitchen, then."

Two staircases and fifteen hallways later, I was sitting at the bar of a very large, very nice kitchen outfitted with professional equipment, a glass of heated milk and my open diary in front of me. The maid transferred the knives from a drawer to a cupboard that she locked with a key – I mean, wow. Anyone sensible knows that knives are so not the way to go if you want to cut. It's way more likely you'll slice open a vein or something with a blade that big than you will with a little razor blade.

Still, nice to know my suspicions were confirmed. Everyone in the whole damned mansion probably knew about Cutter-Freak by now.

I started writing things in my diary about today. I started with what had happened. I recorded that I was spending the night at Tamaki's and that we watched _Lord of the Rings_. Then I went into my insomnia. After that was done, I stared at the pages for a few moments before deciding there was something else I needed to add.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I showed Tamaki pages from this diary today. That was a big deal. I was so afraid of doing it, too. What if knowing about me had scared him off or freaked him out? It was a huge risk. I'm so happy he took it well._

_This diary… it's like my soul. I put everything in here. Samayu Yojin lives in these pages. I wish she could come out and experience the real world once in a while._

_I've noticed something in the past few hours. By the time school got out today, I wanted to cut until I bled enough to die and then cut some more. But as soon as Tamaki caught me… that feeling went away. Well, not entirely, I guess. I still kind of want the blade. But it's not like I need it. I've never recovered from something like that so fast before._

_I think Tamaki may be good for me. But I haven't even decided whether I like him or not. I'm not sure I can stand his crazy antics every day. So for now, I hope things just keep like they are until they fall into place the way they're meant to_.

* * *

The milk did its job. My eyelids were getting heavy as I made my way back. I did get a little lost this time, but I was a lot more careful about it. I got to the correct hallway and counted two doors to the left, which was the way I remembered where my room was. I opened the door and went inside, glad that I was going to get to sleep now. The room was so invitingly and wonderfully dark.

I crossed the room and kicked off the slippers before beginning to crawl into the bed.

And that's when the person lying in it let out a bloodcurdling scream.

I screamed too, launching myself backwards off the bed and falling to the floor painfully. There was someone fucking in my bed! Oh, my god, I think I was having a heart attack!

Whoever it was sat up wildly. I saw the dark shape of a hand against the wall, searching for the light switch. They found it and clicked it on.

Tamaki was sitting there, staring at me like I was a major threat at first before his expression turned to one of utter bafflement. "Samayu?!"

I was dumbfounded. "What the hell are you doing in here?!" I demanded, panting. Any effect the milk had on me? Oh, yeah, it was all gone. Adrenaline knocked it out of me.

"What do you think?! It's my room! What are you doing in here?!"

I stared at him. "Your room?! No it's not! It's—!"

Oh, wait. I got lost. There were two sides to this hallway, weren't there? I must have left one way and come back the other. Shit. I had just tried to crawl into bed with Tamaki Suoh. Turning beet red with embarrassment, I tried to explain. "Well, I, uh… I couldn't sleep and… I went to the kitchen for some milk and got lost coming back up here… I guess I got turned around. I'm really sorry. I thought this was my room."

"Oh, my god, Samayu! I thought you were a burglar or something!"

"If it'll make you feel any better, you scared me half to death too," I mumbled, getting to my feet and brushing myself off. "I'm really sorry," I repeated myself. "I'm going back to bed."

"You're telling me you can sleep now?" Tamaki asked incredulously. "God, I'm probably not going to get another minute in tonight."

He had me. My heart was still pounding and blood was still roaring in my ears. "No. Definitely not," I agreed. "I'm all freaked out now."

Another long period of very awkward silence followed that confirmation. At last, Tamaki suggested, "Maybe we should stay up and talk."

Oh, why not? "About what?"

"I don't know. Anything."

More silence.

"Do you think you'll come to the club meeting tomorrow?" Tamaki asked.

"I don't know. Maybe," I said, seating myself gingerly on the edge of his bed.

"Why a maybe?"

"The… girls who come to your meetings as guests… they… don't like me very much," I mumbled darkly, clenching my fists. "They look at me like I'm a cockroach or something worse."

"You know they're just jealous," Tamaki said suddenly.

That one shocked me. "Jealous?! I'm a freak, remember? The _used to have ugly red hair and scary-as-hell gold eyes, refuses to dote over the Host Club_ freak! Why on earth would they be jealous of me?" Shaking my head, I informed him, "Maybe you should have your head examined."

"I'm serious. They can't stand the fact that I find you so fascinating."

"Is that a compliment? Because I'm inclined to take it as an insult."

"Oh, don't be like that…"

* * *

Diary excerpt

_We talked for a long time. We talked until we got tired again. And I, in all my intelligent glory, talked until I fell asleep in the middle of a sentence._

_And guess who fell asleep beside me._

_Don't know? All right, I'll tell you. A certain beautiful, blonde-haired, violet-eyed prince of the Host Club… who I think may be beginning to see me for me_.

* * *

**Aaaaaw! Come on, say it with me! Aaaaaw!**

**So, that's what happened after Samayu agreed to sleep at the Suoh's! If any of you are wondering why I had them watch the **_**Lord of the Rings**_**, that's for two reasons. One, because I'm a HUGE nerd and absolutely LOVE those movies, and two, I saw an episode of **_**The Big Bang Theory**_** the other night where the characters find a ring used in the production of those movies and battle over who gets to decide its fate.**

**Yes. I love **_**Lord of the Rings**_** and **_**The Big Bang Theory**_**. The author of this story you love so much (I hope) is one of the biggest nerds ever.**

**Now, I really have to go read 650 pages of AP English books.**

**Wish me luck! REVIEW! See you next week!**

**Phantom, out!**


	16. Happiness Atrracts Cat Puppets

**A week? I don't believe it. It's been much longer than that.**

**Well, you guys, my week has been strange and l-o-n-g. I started my senior year of high school. If it wasn't for my film class I'm sure I'd be banging my head against the wall over my AP Calculus class. I covered my Physics book with a collage of Big Bang Theory characters (Sheldon is my fave, definitely) and am painting a Hello Kitty on a ceiling tile for my art class. Also, three days and Government has already taught me SO MUCH about my country that I did not know.**

**And so, I am relaxing in front of this computer and continuing to write about the lives of Samayu and Tamaki, who we last saw falling asleep in the same bed… in the least sexual sense possible. (Offhandedly, I'm also watching Ciel in Wonderland part two… Damn, Grelle is freaky. And boy, do I love Undertaker.)**

**Now that we've gotten completely off topic, enjoy chapter sixteen**!

* * *

I woke up slowly, disoriented in a pleasant way. I felt really happy, for some reason. A smile tweaked the corner of my lips and I opened my eyes, expecting to see the white walls of my bedroom – before I remembered. The first thing I saw was Tamaki's sleeping face, alarmingly close to mind.

I gave a short gasp and tried to move away at once, but I found myself imprisoned by his _arms_, which were wrapped around my _body_. I could tell, judging by the awkward position the rest of him was sprawled out in, that he had held onto me unintentionally, most likely embracing me while unconscious. Like a bad shojo manga.

I had to wriggle very precisely out of his arms in order to leave him as he was – asleep. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and sighed, running my fingers through my hair. It felt dirty. Glancing at the clock and realizing it was barely half past six, I decided I had time for a shower. I had school today. My uniform, that despicable dress, was probably waiting for me, freshly laundered, in the room across the hall. I was loath to put it back on.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_That's when it hit me. Why should I have to wear that dress? Plenty of boys at Ouran wear their uniforms any way they please. I didn't see why I even had to wear the dress. I hated the damned thing. I'd be much more content wearing something akin to the uniform of the boys. Maybe I'd leave off the blazer, but otherwise… oh, it sounded like a wonderful dream_.

* * *

I glanced quickly back at Tamaki to make sure he was still sleeping and stood up. Running on tiptoe across the room, I stole into his closet and located his uniforms. It took all of ten seconds to snatch up a white button-down shirt and a pair of slacks, and having accomplished my mission, I shot out of the closet and then out of the room, crossing the hall as quickly as I could and slipping into the guest room I hadn't used before anyone could see or stop me.

I stared at myself in the mirror, satisfied with the girl I saw staring back at me for the first time in a long time. My hair and eyes were their natural color and not one of my bandages or my scars were visible. I had found some makeup in a drawer in the bathroom and applied it with a light hand. I hadn't worn make-up maybe but twice in my life before. The most satisfactory thing, though, was my attire. I had thrown on the slacks with much enthusiasm and was wearing the white button down shirt, hanging open to reveal the light blue tank top I wore beneath it. On my neck I had strung a cross necklace and a leather cord with a blue stone hanging on the end of it. On my feet I wore black, soft leather boots with blue accents on the buckles.

I loved the clothes I had found in the closet. Mrs. Hitachiin deserves the title of Best Fashion Designer in Japan. My mom doesn't come close.

I headed down to breakfast smiling to myself. I had no idea where this terrific mood had come from, but damn, did it feel good to be happy. I'd forgotten what actual happiness was like.

Tamaki hadn't come down yet, so I sat at the very large mahogany dining table alone, thumbing through a book I'd found sitting there – it was a dog-eared copy of some sappy romance, no doubt something accidentally left there by a maid.

As servants began to pour out of the kitchen with silver trays and rolling carts, arranging the platters of food artfully along the length of the table, Tamaki made his entrance, looking concerned and calling, "Sonia, have you seen a pair of slacks or one of my school shirts around somewhere? They seem to have gone missing from my closet and I can't think of where they might—"

I stood up and he halted in the middle of his sentence, staring at me open mouthed. "Oh," he said, appalled, and then called feebly, "Never mind."

As he took a seat next to me, I teased him, "So, does it bother you that you wear the same size pants as a short, scrawny girl like me?"

He ignored me, which I found quite disappointing, and inquired curiously, "Why did you steal my uniform? You have your own, you know. And you look so lovely in it."

"Oh, what a line!" I smirked, beginning to pull random items of food off different platters and arranging them onto my empty plate. "Who cares? They're not exactly strict about the uniform. If you really want to know why, try wearing the girl's uniform sometime. You'll see how uncomfortable it is. Heck, you could try right now if you want. Since we wear the same size, and all."

"Humph. Very funny," he griped sarcastically, shoving a piece of bacon into his mouth as quickly as he seemed to be able to. I presumed it was because he didn't really want to talk to me about the clothes anymore. I steered the conversation in a new direction.

Nibbling on a scone, I said bluntly, "This is going to sound weird, but is Haruhi gay?"

He inhaled a not-quite-masticated piece of his bacon and started choking and coughing like he was about to hack up a lung. I was preparing myself to perform the Heimlich on him or something when he seemed to recover and said, a little hoarsely. "Uh, actually… well, not really. It's just that… Haruhi… he's not… he's a she, okay? Haruhi is a girl."

Wow. I knew something was off when I saw him – I mean her – this'll take some time to get used to – that there was something off, but this possibility had never entered my mind. Although by now, not much could surprise me. "How did that wind up happening?"

"She broke a vase."

That clarified nothing.

"It was worth eight million yen."

Now we were getting somewhere. "How'd she manage that?"

"Knocked into it. She came in looking like a boy and I naturally thought she was… well, gay, and attempted to entice her into becoming a guest of the Host Club. She hit it trying to get away. She worked as our errand boy for a while, until we found out what she looked like without glasses. Now she works as a host to pay off her debt."

This. Club. Is. Freaking. Insane.

Best not to question it. "Um… okay, then."

* * *

I got a ton of attention today from what seemed to be everyone. Girls whispered behind my back about how I was trying to accentuate my freak-ness by dressing like a guy. Others cruelly suggested I was only looking for attention. Some claimed I was turning into a lesbian, if I hadn't been one from the very start. This claim was supported by little evidence, as I was kind of sort of living with "The Prince." No joke. The boy banned me from sleeping at home unless there was somebody there other than the servants.

What I found very surprising was the amount of male attention I attracted. Guys in my class were coming up to me right and left with blushing cheeks telling me how good I looked. The twins christened my new outfit "Ouran Girl Punk" and gave me very favorable grins and two thumbs up – one per twin – meaning they approved of my new style.

If the girls hadn't been whispering belittlements behind my back, I'm almost certain the desire to cut would have vanished altogether. I was appalled by my own happiness.

* * *

During my free period, I decided I might try my hand at one of the libraries – the club was open to guests during this period so the amount of girls lurking about the shelves would be little to none. And the guys, I had found, were all friendly and very willing to converse with me.

As I wandered through the halls, lost in my own thoughts, I didn't consider the possibility that some other soul would be roaming about the school as well. I smacked into a shadowy figure as I turned a corner and we both staggered backwards, except for I fell and the other person involved in our collision remained standing.

I had seen the boy before. He was one of the boys I'd taken notice of my first day at Ouran, the strange third-year who wore a deep purple cloak over his uniform and had the puppet of a cat with sharp, accusing eyes on his hand nonstop.

"Sorry," I said immediately, staring up at him. I wasn't sure what to do next. "I wasn't looking at all where I was going."

The boy just stared at me. What was his name? I'd heard it before… it started with an N. It'd come to me. He didn't speak or move. He just… stared down at me. It was creepy. Wary of this, I picked myself up slowly and brushed myself off. "Well, this has been surreal, but I think I'll be going now," I mumbled, scooting around the boy. "Bye."

"Samayu Yojin."

Behold, the boy speaks! Although why he was saying my name I have no idea…

"Yo," I said automatically, a bad habit I've developed. It's always "yo" when someone suddenly calls for me.

"Your name. Samayu Yojin… correct?"

This guy even had a creepy voice.

"Yeah, so? What do you want with it?" I asked, turning around to face him. He looked absolutely maniacal all of a sudden. His face, rather pretty when he didn't have the creepy expression on his face like he did now, was actually kind of pretty. Minus the satanic grin. He had a permananent marker – procured from thin air like many people seem to be able to do around here, I have no doubt, and speaking of which, when do I get that superpower? – and the tip was poised above the cat puppet's back.

It dawned on me in that moment. Nekozawa.

"Perfect," he cackled, beginning to scribble onto his puppet. "A curse upon you! With Belzeneth's help I shall make you suffer for the crime of hitting me!"

"Hitting you?" I asked, appalled. "We walked into each other! In what world does that equal me hitting you? I was the one on the floor, you know!"

"There! For the next three days you shall experience nothing but – _misfortune_," Nekozawa let out a crazy laugh.

"Yeah, sure, buddy. I'll let you know how that goes."

"You shouldn't underestimate the powers of Belzeneth the curse doll!" He cried gleefully before he shot off down the hall, his black cloak billowing behind him.

"Everyone in this school is a damn freak," I muttered, shaking my head as I proceeded towards the library.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I don't believe in curses. I have no idea if what happened over the next three days after Nekozawa wrote my name on that curse doll was because of some curse or just because I have crummy luck in general. All I know is things got not so good real fast_.

* * *

**Fin!**

**It's a short chapter, and not one of my better ones, but oh, well. I at least got it written and out there. I do love Nekozawa. Also, the mental image of Tamaki in the girl's uniform sent me into fits of hilarity… It is nearly 2 a.m. and I have reached the stage of tired in which everything not funny becomes hilarious and everything slightly funny has evolved into the sort of thing that makes you fall out of your chair in fits of uncontrollable laughter.**

**Plus, I'm distracted… I wrote a Horror Movie for my film class (we're making horror movies for October, appropriately) and all I can think about are the actors I have yet to find and the set I have yet to begin searching for. It's a long and exhausting process, but hopefully the cinematic magic I have pictured in my head will be entirely worth it!**

**Okay, it's bedtime for me.**

**Oh, and review, please. =3**

**Phantom, out!**


	17. Possibly Saved by a Reluctant Promise

**Well, I've already written this once already. Then of course, my grandfather tried to use the computer and CLOSED THE DOCUMENT WITHOUT SAVING, and therefore there is NO WAY TO GET IT BACK and I AM SO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW.**

**So, sorry if my writing reflects that as I try to recreate ALL EIGHT PAGES of writing that I already did today. AAAAUUUUURRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!**

**So, here's chapter seventeen. I hope you all have a whole lot more fun with it than I'm having at the moment. Damn it, and I had Hunny all perfect and everything. I kind of want to go run my car into the garage door right now, I'm so mad**.

* * *

It took a whole lot more than I thought it would to go to Music Room Three after school today and open the door. After my run-in with that Nekozawa freak earlier today, my oddly terrific mood had deflated until there was only a fragment of it remaining. All I felt now was tired. I wanted to go curl up somewhere and sleep, and sleep, and sleep.

I opened the door with caution, determined to keep my gaze downward, staring at my shoes. As soon as I stepped into the room, I heard the chatter gradually fade until it ceased altogether. I could feel the eyes of every girl in the room on me, accusing and hostile, like needles poking at my skin. I imagined that it was all in my head. If I didn't look up, it didn't exist. If it didn't exist, everything was fine.

I walked straight up to Tamaki, who was seated on a couch with a girl on either side of him and three more on the couch across from him. He was attempting to hold what appeared to be a rather seducing conversation with them all, which was failing. "Where can I sit?" I asked, turning red, making sure I could see nothing but my shoes and his.

He stood up and approached me, and I felt his presence close to me. Startled, I looked up. He was leaning into me, smiling, as though he wanted me to know that he, at least, was not bothered by my presence in the room. "I talked to Kyoya. He understands our arrangement." He glanced around and his eyes fell on an unoccupied table. "Will you be okay over there?"

"I'll be okay anywhere," I mumbled, turning away and taking my first step towards the table.

"Samayu?"

"Yeah?" I turned back around to look at him.

He smiled more warmly than he had been, a feat I had thought impossible. "I'm really glad you came."

I turned beet red. I could feel the blood in my cheeks. I rapidly turned around and hurried to the table, slinging my bag over the edge of a chair and sinking into it, sighing. I didn't want to do my trig homework. I wanted to sleep.

But I opened my trig book anyway, and did the math in a state of distraction, mixing up cosecant and secant repeatedly. When I felt I'd had enough, I looked up and gazed around the room. The chatter had continued, which I was glad for. It meant no one was paying attention to me.

The twins were in the middle of one of their scripted acts, fawning over one another, with four girls swooning as they watched the charade. Kyoya was conversing with two girls who seemed to be hanging upon his every word, and he was wearing a smile I was certain he would never offer me. I liked watching Haruhi the most. Now that I knew she was a girl, watching her entertain her guests was almost humorous. All she did was serve the girls tea and sit down with them, talking. No flirting. No lines. She just talked.

It was really quite remarkable.

I saw the tall, dark guy whose name I'd never caught standing beside one of the couches, looking around. There were girls trying to talk to him, but his attention seemed to be otherwise occupied. He was staring not at me, but past me; still, it made me a little uncomfortable. I turned to see what he was looking at.

"Samu-chan! Wanna have a piece of cake with me?!" A childish, eager voice begged me, and Hunny, plate with large slice of strawberry cake in hand, bounded over to my table, crawled into a chair, and grinned at me over the frosting.

I was sorely tempted. I hadn't had cake in a long time. However, before I could tell Hunny that I would love to share it with him, I heard a very articulate _ahem_ from behind me and I saw Kyoya, his pen hovering over that black notebook of his, watching me. I got the feeling even a bite of that cake would cost me enormously. So, I looked at Hunny and lied, "Oh, I'm sorry, Hunny, I'm not really that hungry. It looks great, though."

He didn't look all that disappointed; he'd already stuffed his face and was smiling at me from across the table with his cheeks puffing out like a chipmunk's. How old was this kid, anyway?

"You really like cake, huh?" I asked, watching him take another enormous bite of cake.

He grinned and replied with his mouth full, "Uh-huh! And Kyo-chan orders all sorts of yummy flavors!"

I supposed that childish way of speaking was supposed to be endearing. I couldn't see girls going after him in a romantic sense at all, though. Maybe his guests were the ones who had stronger tendencies towards motherhood than the other host club guests. That seemed much more likely to me.

The rest of his cake followed in a matter of thirty seconds, and then the only evidence it had ever been there was the plate and the crumbs remaining stubbornly on Hunny's face.

"Mitsukuni," the tall, dark boy said, coming up next to the little blonde with an enormous stuffed, pink rabbit cradled carefully in his left arm.

Hunny looked up at him and grinned. "Oh, Takashi! I was just wondering where Usa-chan went! Thank you!" He took the stuffed rabbit from Takashi (yeah, I could see that. Tall, dark, and stoic looked like a Takashi) and hugged it to his chest, grinning contentedly, and the question of his age passed through my mind again.

Takashi picked up the napkin lying folded next to Hunny's plate and began wiping the crumbs off the small boy's face. "You're making a mess. You don't want to get Usa-chan dirty, do you?"

Hunny looked mortified at the very thought, and when Takashi withdrew the napkin he turned to me. "This is Usa-chan!" he informed me proudly. "My Grandma made him for me!"

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I liked that rabbit. I have stuffed animals of my own at home. Sometimes, after a really bad night when my arms resemble sliced ribbons of flesh more than arms, I bring them to bed with me and curl up with them, reverting to the childish act of imagining that they can protect me from anything, standing sentry while I sleep. My favorite one is a horse with patches of different colors in its mane, whom I christened Nimblefoot, taking the name from a very old story I read (in English) when I was little, titled Gypsy and Nimblefoot. I have a Gypsy, too, but I don't favor her nearly as much_.

* * *

"You wanna hold him?" Hunny asked enthusiastically. "You just gotta promise you'll be really careful with him, okay?"

I felt the corners of my lips twitch, genuinely, at the offer. "Sure. I'd love to hold your rabbit," I said sincerely, holding out my hands. Hunny handed me his bunny and bounded away, leaving Takashi and me behind to stare after him. "How old is he, anyway?" I asked, watching the back of Hunny's blonde head.

"Seventeen," Takashi said simply.

"Seriously? Good lord," I whistled, playing with one of Usa-chan's ears. "He sure doesn't look it. I'm Samayu, by the way. Samayu Yojin."

"Mori," he said in response, and briskly took off after Hunny.

Maybe I just didn't hear him right. Or maybe that's what he wanted me to call him from now on. I didn't know. I just didn't know.

But I did like this rabbit. I curled my knees into my chest, awkwardly positioning myself in the chair, and hugged the rabbit against my torso as I returned to my trig homework, feeling slightly rejuvenated. Maybe a little bit of conversation with a childish seventeen year-old and a giant pink rabbit to hug was good therapy or something. Either way, I felt kind of happy again.

* * *

"Thanks for holding him, Samu-chan!" Hunny said to me once the crowd of girls began to dissipate, and he took back his stuffed rabbit. "He really likes you! I can tell!"

"Well, tell Usa-chan I like him too," I said, feeling the corners of my lips twitch again. Hunny really was cute. Like a seven year-old.

I wasn't sure I liked the nickname "Samu-chan" so much. The first part sounded way too much like "Shamu," and I didn't like entertaining the idea I was being compared to a whale.

"Bonding with the Boy Lolita, are we?" a mischievous asked me, and I felt an arm drape across my shoulders. I flinched, but let Hikaru keep it there. "Hey, Boss, watch out. She likes Hunny's type!"

I decided to return his arm to him after all. "I don't like any type," I informed him indignantly. Noticing the way Hunny began to tear up, I corrected myself, "Or, that is to say, I like all types the same. But I'm not here to hang out with my dream guy. I'm just here because this room actually seems to be the one place I can get my homework done in considerable peace."

That wasn't the real reason, of course. But Tamaki and I had felt it best that they didn't know about me and my… little "problem."

"Yes, but I'd be careful," Kyoya said, his voice calculating. "Your interaction with Hunny-senpai today came very close to an audience. Since this is the first day of our arrangement, and per request of our king, I'm letting you off the hook – but just this once." He smiled pleasantly at me, that smile that indicated he wanted to kill me. "Just make sure it doesn't happen again, all right?"

"Aw, Kyo-chan, all I asked her to do was hold Usa-chan! Why are you being so mean to Samu-chan?" Hunny pouted over his rabbit's head.

Kyoya didn't reply, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose and turning away. Off to calculate the financial gain of the day, no doubt. I would have to remember to not so much as even look at the tea in the future, lest I be charged a small fortune for even one sip.

"Well, this has been fun," I mumbled, starting towards the door. "But I think I'm going to head out now."

"What? Where are you going?" Tamaki suddenly appeared out of nowhere, charging into our little circle, looking both frantic and suspicious.

"I'm going home," I said simply, throwing him a look that said _You had better shut up now or I am going to murder you in your sleep_.

He took the hint. "I'll walk you to your car, then."

"That's really not necessary—"

"I insist."

And that was the end of that. Tamaki and I slipped out of Music Room Three and into the hall. We walked in silence for a few minutes, neither of us apparently able to think of something to talk about, until Tamaki asked, "How did you like it?"

"Like what? The meeting? It was fine."

"Oh. Good."

Perhaps he had expected me to have an abundant list of criticisms prepared. But I didn't. In fact, aside from watching them for a few minutes and my brief interaction with Hunny and Mori, I hadn't been very aware of the hosts at all.

As we went out the front doors and approached my car in the school's parking lot, Tamaki paused and said my name, very seriously. "Samayu."

I stopped too. "Yeah?"

"I want you to promise me something."

"Okay…"

Tamaki grabbed my hand and made sure I was looking him in the eye before he said, "I want you to promise, that no matter what happens, you won't cut yourself anymore."

I stared blankly at him. There were a lot of things I could have promised him. This was not one of them. Cutting is as essential to me as breathing is. If I don't do it… I know I'll die.

"Please, Samayu. Promise me."

"Tamaki, I—"

"Please!"

"Tamaki, I want to leave."

"If you don't say those words to me right now, I'm not going to let you out of my sight!"

"Okay! Fine! I won't cut! Are you happy?" I snapped, irritated. How could he ask that of me?! It's like trying to quit smoking – you can't do it all at once! Trust me, I've tried quitting cutting! Going cold turkey only makes it worse!

Tamaki stared at me like I had just asked one of the most obvious questions he had ever heard. He slowly dropped my hand and said, "Of course I'm not. I can't be happy when I know someone I rather care about is in pain."

And on that note, he left me standing there, my mouth half-open, struck speechless by the ease and magnitude of his words.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I went home like I had said I would. There wasn't anywhere else I wanted to go. Or ever wanted to go to. I was, aside from school, practically a shut-in. I was probably going to grow old alone, like Miss Havisham minus the wedding dress and abandonment at the altar. I'd just be the crazy old lady who chose to live the rest of her life in seclusion. Maybe I'd wear my high school uniform for the rest of my life. That could be my crazy "thing._"

* * *

When I went in through my front door, the first thing I registered were the suitcases, lined up neatly in the hall. I feared Raito immediately, before I calmed down enough to realize these were not his suitcases.

"Mom?" I called. No answer. Maybe she was in her studio. I went there first. It's a large room with a wall of windows, with racks of clothing, some complete, some half-finished, hanging on portable racks. Tables of sewing machines of the most professional grade lined one wall, next to a shelf filled to the brim with vibrantly colored threads of every color imaginable. I love the room itself, but the atmosphere that enshrouds it is another thing entirely.

My mother wasn't there, either. I checked her office instead, which is where I found her, poring over reviews written by fashion critics who had attended her recent shows in Kyoto, highlighting different lines. She didn't look happy, but she didn't look dejected, either.

I cleared my throat, alerting her to my presence. "Hi, Mom."

She glanced up at me, only briefly, before looking back down at her papers. "You changed your hair."

That was it. No _hello_, no _it's so good to see you after a month away_.

Just _you changed your hair_.

"Oh… yeah. I decided it was time to get it back to his natural color, you know?" I said awkwardly, not sure what to do next.

"I liked it better the other way."

_Look at me. Just look at me_, I silently begged her. But she never did. Maybe she never would again. "So, how was Kyoto? The fashion show any good?"

"Yes, it was fine. They've decided to release my new line in the next couple of months," she told me monotonously, talking to me because she felt obligated to, not because she wanted to. "In fact, I leave again in a couple of days for Taiwan. That's where the factory that will be producing my clothes is located."

"Oh. Well, that's cool."

"Yes."

I watched her peruse her papers in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes before I mustered up enough courage to ask, "How long will you be gone this time?"

"A month, maybe two," she said off-handedly. She still hadn't looked up.

She said that like it wasn't a long time. Who knows what I could do to myself in two months? In two months I could be dead. She probably wouldn't even fly back for my funeral.

"Why so long?"

"There are several things that need looking at, and then I have to oversee the production," she replied. Her voice was getting that weary tone to it. She wanted me to leave.

"Mom?"

"What, Samayu?"

I hesitated, not sure how to start. I had tried to have this conversation with her so many times already. "It's… it's about Raito."

"Oh, not this nonsense again," she sighed exasperatedly, holding her head. "I know you don't like him, Samayu, but that's no reason for coming up with some far-fetched lie about sexual abuse. Raito is a wonderful man."

"But Mom, he's not!"

"Stop it, Samayu! I can't deal with you today!"

"Please, Mom, listen to me! It's not a lie! Every time he comes back and you're not here, he always—!"

"Enough, Samayu!" she snapped. "I will not hear any of your stories today!"

I snapped.

"LOOK AT ME!" I burst out, screaming the words, desperate. "Why won't you look at me?!" I stared at her, challenging her, as tears began to cloud my vision. She still didn't lift her head. "LOOK AT ME!"

"Samayu, I do not have time for this."

"I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOUR TIME!" I shrieked, my voice cracking. "You never look at me!"

"Of course I do."

"No, you don't. You glance at me enough to make it seem like you still care enough about your daughter, when all you really think about me is that I'm just some dead weight who annoys you all the time!"

"That's not true."

"Then look at me! LOOK AT ME!"

"I _can't_!" she burst out furiously, slamming her highlighter onto her desk. "You don't understand! You just… you look too much like him!"

And there it was. The real reasons are finally coming out. I gritted my teeth to keep from screaming and laughing insanely at the same time. After months of trying to get her to admit it, everything was finally getting put out in the open.

"You remind me too much of your father," she whispered. "It hurts… too much to look at you."

"What else?" I growled. I knew there was more. There had always been more. The reason Dad was always my favorite was because he didn't blame me for the other thing, the thing nobody in my family ever talks about.

"Maika, okay?" my mother whispered, her breath catching. "Ever since Maika…"

Tears went pouring down my cheeks. "So… that's it then. That's… that's the truth," I said shakily. "That's all I needed to know. Just… tell me when."

"When what?" she asked breathlessly, sounding exhausted.

I took a deep breath and was unable to stop the sob that escaped my lips, accompanying the question I really wanted to ask her all along. "When did you stop loving me?"

And I fled. I knew that for as long as I lived, I could never face my mother again. Amidst my tears, I pounded up the stairs and locked myself in my room.

I thrust my diary out of my bag and snatched up a red pen, and without thinking, I began to scribble furiously on the pages, pressing so hard occasionally that the paper ripped, and screamed and screamed and screamed without caring who would hear me. I just let my hand go wherever it wanted with reckless abandon until my wrist cramped and the pen fell out of my hand, and all I had was two pages of ripped, abused pages covered with an angry red cloud of ink. That red was not dark enough.

Forgetting everything, I tore into my desk and wrestled out my razor blade, shucking off my white shirt so I was standing at my desk wearing my bra. I tore off the bandage on my left wrist and sliced into it carelessly, just wanting the pain.

I felt only a slight sting, but an entirely new sensation of crushing guilt. I remembered painfully what I had said to Tamaki. I had told him I wouldn't cut anymore. I hadn't meant it when I said it. So why did I feel such remorse for the bleeding gash on my wrist?

I screamed again, a wordless noise of indescribable rage and agony.

I didn't cut again that night. I didn't want to be crushed by the guilt already pressing against my chest, against my head, against my heart. It was barely seven, but I didn't care. I rewrapped my left arm with extra care as I sobbed until my eyes burned and my throat felt raw. One by one, I gathered the stuffed animals lined up on six different shelves in one corner of my room, and arranged them on my bed so they would all face away from me, so they could protect me from every angle.

All but one, that was. I crawled under my bedcovers clutching Nimblefoot to my heart as I let out a final wail. That was all I had left in me. I didn't feel any better. If anything, I felt worse.

But it was the best I could do.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_People always talk about bad secrets as though they're "skeletons in the closet." My skeletons are awful. There's the skeleton that represents Raito, a mad rapist who has made me fear doctors, capture, and any and all physical human contact whatsoever. Then there's the skeleton that represents my mother, who won't look at me and refuses to believe everything about Raito and the way he rapes me. But the last skeleton, the one it hurts the most to think about, comes in the form of a seven year-old girl, who looks exactly like my mother, named Maika._

_Maika Yojin._

_My dead little sister._

_She died because of me._

* * *

**Done! This is a long one, guys, and I really poured my heart and soul into it! Please, please, please review! I only got one last chapter (thank you for that, by the way. You know who you are) and I crave more! More opinions, more suggestions, more reaction! I mean, **_**really**_**!**

**WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN NEXT?!**

**I don't even know, and I'm the one who's writing this thing!**

**Samayu has two days left of this curse! What other horrors could befall her?! TELL ME! I NEED THE FEEDBACK!**

**Okay. I'm done now.**

**I love you all.**

**Phantom, out!**


	18. Penguins Amuse Me After a Nightmare

**Alright, it's been two weeks, I know. I'm sorry! Last weekend I was baking a cake for my school's cake auction (it's a senior fundraiser…I'm a senior… what are you going to do?) and I worked well to three in the morning. And this weekend was HOMECOMING so I've been trying my best to write this chapter and my next Pet Shop of Horrors chapter and get both posted before tomorrow. **

**So, we left Samayu last week in the depth of depression after a fantastically catastrophic screaming session with her mother, and she still has two days left of Nekozawa's curse to endure… what will happen next? Only time will tell… and it all begins… NOW! (I love generic commentary.)**

**Enjoy Chapter Eighteen, everybody!**

* * *

I didn't know where I was. Everything was dark and colorless, and I could see everything even though there was no traceable source of light. The ground was gray, and I couldn't feel it. There were walls everywhere in all geometric shapes and patterns and directions, and no visible door. The room… was it a room?... had no door as far as I could tell. I was trapped.

Why was I here? I didn't remember anything. I couldn't even remember my name.

There were numerous objects littering the floor, ranging from toys like dolls with wide, unseeing eyes, to larger things like books and cameras. Why were those there? What purpose could they possibly serve?

And then they began to shift. They moved as though possessed, jerking in random directions, and slowly they began to change, growing bigger, black ribbons creeping out of them and twisting into arms, into legs. The objects became humanoid, dark shadows without faces, their hands reaching out to feel their ways as though searching for something.

I stood, frozen, watching the grotesque shadow creatures sway and shift, gradually coming closer to me. When one brushed an arm against my shoulder, I jolted and let out a startled cry. I could feel how cold it was even through my shirt.

And then the creature changed, shrinking down to a smaller size, and slowly began to gain color, eyes, a mouth, a nose.

I almost screamed. Here was a face I recognized. Maika. My sister. My dead little sister.

Yes, that's right. Maika was dead. My fault. All my fault.

"Samayu," she hissed. The voice was not hers. It was almost serpentine and ghoulish, making my blood run cold. "You killed me… _you killed me_."

Another creature ran its hand across my face. I grit my teeth to keep from crying out again. It changed too, just like the other one had, only instead of shrinking it became taller and slowly adopted the features of another painfully familiar face. My father.

He was dead too.

"Your fault," he whispered mockingly. "Dead and gone. All your fault. Never to be seen again."

The creatures all began to change without warning. Everywhere I looked, I gazed into the brown eyes of my father or the green of my sister, sinister grins on their lips and horrific laughter ringing in my ears as they taunted me.

"You killed me!"

"All your fault!"

"Dead and gone! Dead and gone!"

"Never to be seen again!"

"You killed me!"

"You killed me."

"_You killed me_."

I shut my eyes and screamed.

And screamed.

And screamed.

"Samayu," a new voice said. One more horrifying than all the others coming from the shadow creatures. "Open your eyes."

No. Not for you. Never for you.

"Samayu!" the voice rang out again, and I felt his hands on my shoulders as he began to shake me. "Open your eyes, damn you!"

And I did. Only to see the terrifying look etched upon Raito's face. A gleeful expression that told me this was the last time. He was going to ruin me, and get rid of the evidence. He would use me to satisfy what sick desires he had and murder me once he was through.

Then maybe I could race through his dreams, chanting,

"You killed me you killed me you killed me you killed me—!"

* * *

I awoke with a start, gasping and drenched in sweat. I was still in my bedroom, still in my bed. The stuffed animals were still standing sentry, and I was clutching Nimblefoot so tightly I was shocked he hadn't burst. It was all a nightmare. "Thank god," I breathed, shaking violently as I wiped at my eyes.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I didn't want to have to wake up or get out of bed. I didn't want to bathe or eat, and I especially didn't want to go to school._

_But what I wanted wasn't ever important. So I did everything that I didn't want to do. I sat up and crawled out of bed even though all I wanted to do was curl up and die. I got in the shower and washed away the filth of my world, even though I felt that I deserved every last bit of it. I got dressed – in my version of the Ouran uniform – and went downstairs to eat breakfast with my mother, even though I felt sick at the thought of food and miserable being in my mother's presence. I guess I didn't really eat, though. I just mutilated my egg and crushed my bacon into pieces._

_And I went to school. I went to school even though school is the place I go to stew in my depression and gain the desire to slice into my arms without mercy._

_But I went anyway. Lord, did I go_.

* * *

Have you ever walked into a room and known that the people inside were just talking about you? It happens to me almost every time I go through a door at my school. The entire place goes silent and everyone stares at me. It's not a good feeling.

I bit my lip and slid into my chair, in the back of the room, and put my head on the desk, trying to drown out the existence of everyone else in the room as the chatter slowly resumed.

Second period I had free, and rather than go to Music Room Three like the twins tried to get me to do after first period I went to Library Two, searching for reference materials for a history paper. The section I was in was relatively empty, but as I wandered the aisle perusing books at random, I became aware of two female voices coming from the other side of the bookshelf.

"You were at the Host Club meeting yesterday, right?"

"When have I ever missed one?"

"So? Were you as pissed off as I was?"

"Are you kidding me? I wanted to punch that phony poser in the face! She made me sick, just sitting there like she had some right…"

My stomach lurched. Of course she was talking about me.

"Have you seen what she's wearing nowadays? God, what a freak!"

"Oh, I know. She's totally a lesbian, there's no doubt about it."

"Any normal girl would be going out of her mind with ecstasy being treated by Tamaki the way she is. She should be practically in love with him!"

"We should be protecting Tamaki from that bitch!"

"I heard Saki and her girls locked her in a closet last week. Think we could top that?"

I couldn't take it anymore. A smarter person might have stayed put and listened to what kind of tricks these girls could devise, but I felt ready to explode as it was. There were tears pouring down my cheeks and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I stepped out from behind the bookshelf long enough to let those girls see that I had heard every word they'd said before dropping the small stack of books in my arms and breaking into a run, not caring that the librarian was trying to stop me and I was barely avoiding slamming into people. I needed to run, to wipe out the existence of everything except me and my thoughts, and keep running until my muscles screamed and I couldn't breathe.

What had I told Tamaki? I couldn't remember. But I needed a blade. Badly.

My thoughts were cut short when I felt a hand close on my wrist and I was forced to stop. Whoever had my wrist was not letting go. "What's the matter, Samayu?" Tamaki's frantic voice cut through the gray of my thoughts. "Why are you crying?"

Damn it.

Wiping at my eyes desperately, I choked out, "Who's crying?!"

"You are," he said firmly, releasing my wrist and gripping my shoulder so I couldn't run away.

"I'm not! Let go of me!" I tried to say that with force, but it came out shaky and another tear rolled down my cheek.

Tamaki's eyes filled with sympathy and he slowly reached out to brush the tear away with a finger. "What happened?" he asked softly. This was a trap. I knew it was a trap. "It's okay. You can tell me."

"I can't tell you anything!" I protested, trying to slap his hands away. He wouldn't let me. "Really, Tamaki, I'm fine! Okay?! I just want to be alone!"

"No."

"_Tamaki_!"

"I know what you want to do! You'll try to—!" He stopped short and look around, making sure there was no one listening. There wasn't. Lowering his voice considerably, he said, "You'll try to cut yourself if you're alone."

"I really don't know why you care! It's none of your damned business!"

"It is my business," he said seriously. "You're my friend, you think I like knowing you're hurting yourself?"

"Since when are we friends?" I snapped, though my resolve was slowly crumbling. "Just save yourself a lot of trouble and forget I even exist!"

He suddenly smiled. "That's the last thing I want to do." He grabbed my wrist again and began to pull me through the halls. "Come on. I hope you don't have any tests today."

"Um, no, but why—?"

"Good! We're starting the weekend early!"

* * *

"We could have taken my car," I grumbled as I curled her knees into her chest. Tamaki had called a car for us and pulled me into it, despite my many protests. "My car's going to be at the school all weekend now."

"Who cares? I'll just come pick you up before school on Monday. Anyway, did you eat breakfast?" Tamaki asked, trying to drape his arm over my shoulders. I shrunk into myself, trying to keep his arm from making contact with my shoulders.

"Not really, I guess," I mumbled.

"Great! Neither did I! Let's get some. I know a little place just outside of town with omelets to die for."

"What, we're just going to ditch school and go eat?"

"Why not?"

I snorted. He was just so undeterred by simple things like reality. "Okay, sure. Let's go have breakfast."

* * *

I hated to admit it, but he was right. The omelets at the café he took me to really were to die for. As were the pancakes and toast. The pancakes were mine and the toast Tamaki's, but we were stealing food off of each other's plates every thirty seconds or so.

"How on earth did you find this place?" I asked, spearing a strawberry with my fork off of Tamaki's plate and popping it into my mouth. "It's a commoner's place! But the food _is_ amazing…"

"Haruhi told me about it. She knows about these sorts of places, since she's a commoner," Tamaki said simply. He pointed at my last bite of pancake. "May I?"

"Go for it, I'm stuffed."

He did, and set down his fork. "I was surprised, too, but apparently the commoners do have these occasional treasures tucked away." He paused for a long moment. "Why were you crying in the hall?"

Shit. I was kind of hoping he's forgotten about that. "It wasn't really anything. So the girls at school don't like me. It's really not that big of a deal."

"But it is," Tamaki sighed. "Is it because of the club? Are they mad you get to hang out in the club room after school for free?"

I shook my head. "No. Well, maybe just a little bit. But to be honest, mostly they're mad about … you."

"Me?"

"Yeah. They're upset because I get so much attention from you. And because… I don't react to it the way they do. They said I must be a lesbian because I don't act the way they would. They said I should be head over heels for you by now, and they're pissed off because I'm… not. I like you plenty, I guess, but it's not as though I love you like they do. So… maybe we are friends, or whatever, but it's only making all of them mad."

Tamaki looked mortified. "But… that's ridiculous!" he spluttered.

"I know, it's just—"

"I can't believe this! Maybe I should adjust my strategy? Compliment you more? Do you want me to treat you like my guests?"

I stared at him. "You're kidding, right?"

"Perhaps you really do like this sort of thing, then, hm?" Tamaki asked, his voice suddenly seductive, as he reached out and pulled me into him, cupping my chin in his fingers and holding his face so close to mine our lips were barely an inch's width apart.

I hit him.

"OW! What was that for, Samayu?! You're so violent!"

"You seriously thought I was in love with you?" I yelled, though I couldn't hold it for long. I was laughing uncontrollably before I knew it. "You're just… such… an idiot!" I gasped, tears of mirth welling in my eyes. "Not every girl you pull that crap with is going to fall for you!"

He pouted for a moment, but grinned apologetically after a few moments. "You really think so?"

"I _know_ so, you dummy!" I giggled, wiping at my eyes and trembling with hilarity as I tried to regain my composure. He was just so conceited! He could have been Narcissus in a past life (that is, if I believed in reincarnation. Which I don't…)!

He beamed, quite obviously delighted by my laughter. "You finally smiled. That means you're feeling better."

Huh. I guess I was. I really, really was.

* * *

"Where do you want to go?" Tamaki asked once we were back in the car. We couldn't give the driver directions because we had no plans.

"I don't know. Anywhere," I said, shrugging. As long as I wasn't at home or at school, I'd be happy. I began throwing out suggestions at random. "A movie. An amusement park. The beach. Hiking. I don't care as long as it takes my mind off of things."

Tamaki's eyes lit up. "I know exactly where we should go!" He leaned forward and whispered something into the driver's ear so I couldn't hear what he was saying. Grinning, he returned to his seat and drew the seatbelt across his body as the driver eased the car out of the café's parking lot.

"I don't get to know where we're going?" I asked, amused.

He shook his head, getting a very mischievous, twin-like gleam in his eyes. "Nope! It's a secret! I love surprising people."

Well, he certainly surprised me enough. "Okay," I shrugged. How bad could it be? He was pretty simple-minded; it would probably be Disneyworld or something.

Tamaki pressed a button on the ceiling and the radio switched on. At once, I recognized my mother's name.

"_Fashion designer Ayame Mitsurugi, formerly Ayame Yojin, recently named head of her late husband's oil empire and founder of Shichitaku Fashion, has released that she will be developing a new line of clothing to hit stores in three months. Development begins in Taiwan tomorrow_—"

"Shut it off, please," I burst out, beginning to tremble. I couldn't _not_ think about last night when that was on. "I can't listen to this."

Tamaki switched stations to one with rock music immediately. He stared at me curiously, and then looked a little concerned. "Are you okay? You've gone pale."

"I'm fine," I said, too quickly. "I already knew what the report was about. I didn't want to hear it again."

He wouldn't stop looking at me. "You're not a very good liar," he said after a moment. "Every time you try to, you get this panicked look in your eyes."

Great. Just great. I'll need to work on that, since lying is pretty much how I survive in the social world.

"Samayu, I'm serious," Tamaki said firmly. "What's wrong? Are you upset that your mom's leaving for work again?"

"I'm _always_ upset when she leaves for work," I muttered, curling in on myself and burying my face in my knees. "But she doesn't care at all."

He was silent, and I flinched when I felt his hand rest comfortingly on my shoulder. "Have you tried talking to her?" he asked. "Telling her how you feel?"

"What do you think?" I sighed. "It's not like it matters. She never listens. She can't even look at me anymore. Ever since Dad—" I stopped short, my voice blocked by a sudden lump in my throat. I knew Tamaki would ask, so I swallowed hard and whispered. "She said I look too much like him. She told me that it actually causes her _pain_ to look at me." I didn't mention that she also never forgave me for being responsible for my sister's death. That would open another topic that I was all too keen to avoid.

"Samayu, I'm sorry, I had no idea…"

I took a deep breath. "Don't apologize. I hate it when people apologize for stuff they didn't do. It sucks. So what? It wasn't your fault." It was mine. Maybe not entirely, but partially. "We got in a really big fight last night," I mumbled. "That's when she told me. I don't think she likes me anymore. I don't even think she loves me."

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_And simply speaking those words out loud to another person sent me over the edge. I fell to tearful pieces within seconds. I was hoping Tamaki would just let me cry myself out without interfering, but the hand on my shoulder rapidly morphed into an embrace, and somehow craving the human contact, which I had denied myself for so long, I clung to him, crying into his chest and feeling horrible for getting salt water on his shirt._

_It's been a long time since I cried like that in front of someone. I deal with everything alone. And I always thought I liked it that way. I always thought it was better that way. If I was alone, I didn't have to think about my actions. If I cut, it hurt no one but me. Whatever I did, it only affected me. If I said something mean to someone, they might be mad for awhile, but they could only direct that at me._

_But now there's someone who I can even call my friend getting closer and closer to me, and I'm scared to death of that relationship. I can't just do whatever I want anymore. If I cut, it hurts him, too. Whatever I do has the chance of affecting him._

_I'm scared of everything. I'm so tired of being scared. I just want a life where I'm free. Where I'm free without scars on my wrists and my legs and my sides, where I know how to interact with people and where I've never known the horrors of sexual abuse._

_If I had a different life, I would be different. There are just so many ifs. If Maika hadn't died. If Mom had forgiven me. If Dad hadn't been murdered. If Mom hadn't married Raito. If Raito wasn't a psychopathic rapist. In those worlds, I wouldn't have all these scars and I would know how to deal with people and maybe I would even still be a virgin, because not once have I ever given sex up willingly, nor do I want to._

_But this is my life. This is my reality. Sometimes I want to die. But I'm too scared of dying to try. In the end, I grit my teeth and endure, because, sucky life that it is, it's still my life_.

* * *

The car pulled up at a boutique that primarily carries Hitachiin Group's fashion lines. I thought it was a joke at first, because I hate shopping and I think Tamaki would know I'm the type that hates shopping, but he assured me it was just a stop along the way. We would get new clothes there so we could change out of our uniforms, and that way not be recognized as two high school students ditching class. It was rather brilliant, actually.

He went with designer jeans, a white t-shirt, and a blue cashmere sweater. Very casual, very sensible. I took that to mean we'd be doing something that required some movement. Maybe a lot of walking.

I just took whatever I saw first, an outfit that consisted of a black, knee-length skirt and a dark green shirt with long sleeves that hid my bandages. I snatched up a sturdy, black pair of flip-flops on the way out.

"All right!" Tamaki grinned once we were back in the car, clutching the bags with our uniforms inside. "And now we go on to our destination!"

We ended up at the zoo. I almost laughed out loud when the driver dropped us off at the gates. Tamaki looked super-excited. "What do you think?!"

I nodded, smiling. "Well, I'll give you this; the zoo never even crossed my mind."

"Isn't it perfect?! I haven't been here in ages! What about you?!"

"My mom held a small fashion show here a couple years ago. It was her animal-print clothing line. Not one of her best, but it still raked in the cash… But anyway, I haven't actually toured the zoo, looking at animals, in at least five, maybe six years."

"Then come on!" He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the gate.

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_I actually had an incredible time. Tamaki was hilarious. He was just so enthusiastic over everything. He nearly fell into the penguin tank; he got so enthusiastic watching the zookeepers feeding them. And I loved seeing the tigers. They're such aesthetic animals. I wanted to paint one of them the minute I saw them._

_We saw so many animals. Tapirs, flamingos, lions, pandas, crocodiles… I can't possibly try to remember them all. I was actually very impressed, though. The zoo really was the perfect place to take my mind off of things._

_One of the kiosk workers, an old woman selling ice cream, beckoned us over near the aviary, calling us "such a cute couple" and gave us a bowl of frozen yogurt to split, for free. Tamaki was completely red with embarrassment, but I think I cracked a rib trying not to laugh. She really was a sweet old lady._

_When we finally called it quits, my outing with Tamaki left me with sore feet, a thin layer of dust covering my body, and a huge grin plastered on my face, accompanied by an almost long-forgotten feeling of elation_.

* * *

Tamaki decided – with some persuading from me – that he should return to school for the Host Club meeting. The last thing I would want is for his fangirls to stone me because I took their precious prince away from them for an afternoon. We got out of the car in front of the school and Tamaki hesitated. "Why don't you come with me?" he asked, almost pleadingly. "Maybe if you just joined some of the girls… talked to some of them…"

I shook my head. "Maybe it'd be best to give it some time," I suggested. "I think where we're at now, I'd only end up being eaten alive if I tried to join them." And I didn't want to join them. I didn't want to pay to get doted on by some guy pretending to be in love with me and every other girl sitting on the couch, while said girls just cast me evil glares.

He looked disappointed. "Oh… okay, then." We stood there awkwardly for some time before he finally turned and began to head back up to the school.

"Thank you," I called on a split-second decision. He stopped and turned around. "I had a good time today," I blushed, looking at my feet.

He grinned. "Me too. See you Monday!"

"See you."

He went back into the school, and I turned towards the parking lot. My mom would be long gone by now, halfway to Taiwan, and I would have the house to myself for the whole weekend. Maybe I was finally catching a break.

* * *

I passed my car keys to one of the servants after pulling up to my front door and headed inside, dropping my bags at the front door. Most of the time I headed straight to me room, taking my bags with me, but I wanted to paint. It seemed like forever since I'd painted. The servants would take my stuff to my room for me.

I would draw a rough sketch first, of a tiger peering out through a tangle of grass and branches, maybe add a little bit of color to it so I'd know where I wanted to go with my painting, and then go to town with it. I had a whole weekend. I could shut myself in my studio and do nothing but paint if my heart desired. Which it sort of did.

I walked at a brisk pace down the hall until I reached my studio. I grasped the handle and opened the door, stopping short when I realized the lights were already on. I never leave them on when I'm not working.

Getting a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, I opened the door the rest of the way.

And I immediately knew that, whatever I would be doing this weekend, it sure as Hell wouldn't be painting.

Raito stood in the center of the room, staring at my numerous canvasses. I didn't want him looking at them. They were _mine_. I didn't want them sullied by his gaze. He looked up at me and smiled, greeting me like an old friend. "Samayu! I've been waiting for you to come home!"

I couldn't move. It was a miracle that my voice was even working. "What are you doing in here?"

"Admiring my daughter's paintings, of course," he smiled. "These new ones of yours are quite intriguing. Very dark. Soulful. You know, I met the owner of a very prominent Kyoto studio the other day, and I was telling him all about your incredible work—"

I hadn't heard anything after the first sentence. "I am _not_ your daughter," I hissed, backing away from him as he began to move towards me.

"Come now, don't be like that," he said as though I had hurt him, reaching out and twirling a strand of my hair in his fingers. He leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I have a very special weekend planned for us. _Very_ special."

I bolted. I ran as fast as I could away from him, but I knew there was no escape.

This may be the weekend.

This may be the weekend he spoils me entirely.

This may be the weekend he gets rid of me for good.

This may be the weekend I die.

* * *

**Okay! Done! Finished! Yay!**

**This is really long, guys… and I want your reviews almost as much as I want to fangirl glomp Vic Mignogna… so come on people!**

**I love you all! Thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	19. My Life is a Nightmare Just Kill Me Now

**I'm trying to ease back into writing at different times during the week, since my previous Saturday arrangements (as I've mentioned, I typically write Saturday night to Sunday morning after work) are going to be stopping in a couple weeks. Please bear with me! I might not be able to get chapters out weekly anymore, but I'm doing my best, I swear!**

**So, our usual recap: Samayu's day started out crappy and then got better, thanks to Tamaki and a whimsical day of skipping school and touring the zoo, but now she's home and Raito has returned (cue dramatic, horrifying music) and claims he has a _very special_ weekend planned for them!**

**What ill-fated plans does this obviously sadistic writer have for her poor heroine next? Find out RIGHT NOW! Enjoy chapter nineteen**!

* * *

I couldn't sleep. It's not that I wasn't tired, because I was damned exhausted, but I wouldn't let myself go to sleep. Horrible things would happen if I did. Raito would come in and unmentionable things would happen to me, and the longer I could hold off sleeping, the longer it would take for him to come in and take advantage of me - because history shows that he would be coming in to take advantage of me.

So I kept repeating in my head, over and over like a mantra, _If I do not sleep, he will not come. If I do not sleep, he will not come. If I do not sleep, he will not come_…

_If I do not sleep…_

_He will not…_

_come_…

* * *

I was shocked that I woke up still whole, and entirely alone. Raito gave me a whole night. Not that it helped me much, since I probably got the same amount of sleep that I would have if he'd come in and… well, done what terrible things he usually does to me.

It was Saturday morning and that meant I was looking at an entire weekend in hell, a nightmare that would seem to never end. Raito was home, I was home, and my mother wasn't. He'd never been home when she wasn't for an entire weekend. I had no idea what to expect - or rather, what to be terrified out of my mind of.

It occurred to me that I was still under a curse, one I believed truly had merit by now. Even I wasn't this unlucky… right? Even though yesterday had been fun for a time, I had still been bullied by girls at school and Raito had come home. Today, I was sure, would be the grand finale of my three day curse.

Damn that Nekozawa kid. If I got out of this weekend alive, I would make him pay a thousand times over. What right did he have to just go around cursing people he didn't like? I had bumped the fuck into him. That was it. It did not merit a three day curse in which I have been trudging through what I consider to be my own personal version of Hell. I wanted to throttle that black-haired, cloak wearing freak.

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_I wonder what would have happened if I had accepted Tamaki's invitation to the club meeting yesterday. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way right now. He'd have made me sit down and talk to him, and possibly those girls I have no interest in ever speaking to, EVER, despite several protests on my behalf. And maybe he would have somehow persuaded me to sleep at his house again (on terms that I didn't accidentally wandered into his room again), and we'd have watched the last Lord of the Rings movie and talked for hours on end about anything we fancied talking about. I would be eating breakfast right now across from him at the ridiculously large mahogany table the Suohs kept in their dining room._

_I would not be sitting here in my room, being eaten away by worry and unable to eat should my life depend on it, waiting for my mother's husband to come in and have his way with me, rape me until I could see nothing but red from agony and fury, and leave me wanting to slice open my throat just to end my suffering from personhood_.

* * *

He still hadn't come after ten minutes. I was curled up in an armchair in the corner, staring in fear at my digital clock, waiting for him. I knew he'd come. He always came. I was growing more and more terrified by the minute.

After twenty minutes of the silent torture of waiting for the imminent danger of being raped by my stepfather, I could feel myself about to go crazy. This was too much. Why hadn't he come? Was he waiting to ambush me outside the door? Did he expect me to eat breakfast with him and then rape me at his leisure?

What the hell could possibly be going on in that sick bastard's head?! Why hadn't he come?! What was I supposed to do now?!

* * *

Forty minutes. I was going to break down and cry.

My stomach was twisting and writhing, trying to scream at me that it wanted food. The hast thing I'd eaten was that yogurt yesterday with Tamaki. I hadn't eaten dinner last night. The minute I'd seen Raito I had shut myself in my room and torn open a pillow with nothing but my bare hands to distract myself from the overwhelming desire to cut before gripping Nimblefoot to my chest as though my life depended on it and stared at the door, waiting.

Maybe he'd gotten a call from work and been forced to leave in the middle of the night, and he'd conveniently forgotten to have someone inform me. Maybe he wasn't coming and I was worrying for nothing.

* * *

One hour. Just as I was in the process of convincing myself to venture out of my room, the door swung open without my assistance, and as I looked up at Raito I saw my impending doom etched in his expression.

Maybe I would die this weekend. I was kind of ready for it. Anything to finally end this torture at the hands of the man my mother married.

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_I'm still alive._

_To be honest, I'm shocked. After everything he did to me today… I don't even want to think about it, but I have to. I have to get it out._

_I do believe every square inch of my body's surface area has been tasted by Raito as of today. The clothes I was wearing? Far from repairable. He tore them right off my back… it didn't matter that I kept trying to take them off myself to avoid the pain of having buttons dig into my skin and the strain of fabric before it succumbed to the pressure. He kept screaming at me to stop because he wanted to do it himself. Is it wrong that I wanted to undress for him rather than be forcibly undressed by him? It was going to happen anyway. I just wanted to save myself from more pain_.

* * *

I was completely naked, shivering, before Raito. He'd even torn off my bandages. When blood had begun to seep out of my reopened wounds, he licked it away. And he didn't stop. He just kept… doing it. The ghost of his tongue was haunting me, and would haunt me for the rest of my life.

I was numb to any emotion but fear.

His hands were on my breasts. Raito grinned that sadistic, horrid smile and whispered in my ear, "Undress me."

That was new.

He always did it himself.

I didn't want to. I couldn't move. My limbs had grown numb alongside my emotions. All I could do was stand there and shake from cold and fear, staring at him.

He slapped me. Hard. Across the mouth. "Do it now, damn it!" he growled.

I broke down, letting out a sob, but did as he'd ordered. My fingers were trembling so violently, it took me a horribly long time to undo the buttons of his shirt. And then his pants.

He punished me for that later.

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_His words are still ringing in my ears. He was inside me, everything had exploded into agony, and even as I screamed his fingers wrapped around my neck and he snarled that he'd kill me if I didn't start screaming _his_ name, goddamn it_.

_He wanted me to say he was the best I'd ever had. It only occurs to me now that he's the only I've ever had._

_No. Not had._

_He rapes me. That's not called having sex. That's called being subject to torture._

_When he finally pulled himself out of me I rolled over and vomited. I didn't even know what the hell there was in my stomach to vomit. I hadn't eaten in ages._

_I thought we were done. But he took me again ten minutes later._

_And again._

_And again,_

_And again._

_And now, I am sitting here, still nude, in the guest bedroom all the way in the basement, sobbing as I hide under the covers, my arms and legs and sides sliced to ribbons without bandages because I just couldn't damn well be bothered to worry about those when I grabbed my blade and ran like hell away from Raito when he finally informed me he'd had enough. I ran from my bedroom like Satan himself were sitting there in my room, draped in nothing but my bed sheets and armed with nothing but my journal and a blade._

_These sheets look like someone got murdered on them. They're covered in my blood._

_Not to say I wasn't murdered today. Raito finally did it. He broke me. I am hollow, empty, useless, a shell, and there is nothing left. Samayu Yojin is gone. She's left me, the spoiled fragments of her soul, behind. I am ruined._

_I feel sick. I feel so sick. My stomach feels ready to explode, and the fact that my entire body is aching from all that… squeezing… and my you-know-what still feels like it's on fire and hasn't stopped bleeding yet isn't helping._

_I want to die_.

* * *

I waited hours until I finally slipped out of the bedroom. Raito had to be back on a plane to Kyoto at 9:00 and I waited until one in the morning before I wrapped myself in the bloody bed sheet like it was a toga and went back upstairs to me room for bandages and clothes.

I grabbed Nimblefoot and a blanket and pillow from my bed and dragged them back into the hall. I couldn't sleep in that room anymore. I'd have the servants set up a new bedroom for me tomorrow.

I went to the living room and slept on the couch, my stomach twisting and lurching. In the end, I got two hours of sleep and woke up with the violent urge to throw up again, after which I spent the remainder of the night in the bathroom, dry-heaving over and occasionally vomiting into the toilet, sleeping with my cheek rested against the cool tile floor between spells of nausea.

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_I spent Sunday in my new bedroom, sleeping and crying and reopening my scars before they were even healed, contemplating the ease of suicide._

_I did not go to school on Monday._

_I didn't want to do anything._

_I couldn't face Tamaki after that. I'd broken my promise to him more times already than I could count. I cut. And cut. And cut._

_I spent much of Monday vomiting and screaming._

_Until the time that school got out. Then I spent the afternoon in a state of horror, trying to remain beneath the covers as the last person in the world that I wanted to see after the weekend I'd had came to check on me._

_I'll give you exactly one guess as to who it was_.

* * *

**Alright. Done! It's short… sorry! I really am! But it moves this story BOUNDS ahead of where I had anticipated it to be by now and I'm actually somewhat shocked. What the heck am I going to do now?! I have the next chapter set up, but dang it, where will I go with it after that?!**

**Okay… I am now going to proceed to calm down… I will think about my next chapters while humming _A Rainbow Connection_ and watching _Van Helsing_. If you have never seen that movie… for shame! It is amazing! If you love Hugh Jackman, go buy it and watch it RIGHT NOW! If you do not know who Hugh Jackman is and are ignorant of the role he played in the X-Men movies as Wolverine… I shake my head at you. You are a lost cause. (Wow. I just realized those two things I'm going to do are on opposite ends of the scale. A Muppets song about rainbows sung by Kermit the Frog and an epic tribute to monster movies that includes Frankenstein and his monster, Jekyll and Hyde, Dracula, and werewolves… those two things together… I am a frighteningly ironic human being!)**

**Shoot me your thoughts! Who do you think her visitor is?! And more importantly, HOW MANY OF YOU WANT RAITO TO DIE A HORRIBLE AND PAINFUL DEATH?! You know I crave nothing more than your reviews!**

**I love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	20. Not Like I Can Help It

**Okay, you guys… I'm a really interesting mood right now… I'm kind of obsessed with **_**Sweeney Todd**_**, and if you've ever seen that movie, you know what sort of morbid hilarity ensues when you watch it, so you can only imagine what sort of mood I'm in, being obsessed with it currently. Even as I write this, I'm watching **_**Sweeney Todd**_**. On a side note, my dear readers, if I wrote a **_**Sweeney Todd**_** fluff fic, would you read it? I have an idea for one. Anyway, our usual recap: Samayu is REALLY sick after a particularly harsh raping at the hands of Raito, and aforementioned in chapter nineteen, someone special is coming to visit her. (You have my permission to fangirl squeal. I know I am!)**

**Enjoy chapter twenty, and since I haven't done a disclaimer in a while, here's one: I own nothing. I'm broke. I spend all my money on manga and, recently, the **_**Sweeney Todd**_** soundtrack. I told you I'm obsessed!**

* * *

**Tamaki**

"Hikaru! Kaoru!" Tamaki barked at the twins in the middle of the host club meeting on Monday, in between guests.

The twins, who had been playing a rousing game of "Which one is Hikaru?" with their guests and their enthusiasm had since deflated. "What, Boss?"

"Have you seen Samayu Yojin at all today?"

"No."

"She didn't come to school. Haruhi pointed it out to us earlier," one of them shrugged, unconcerned.

"It's not like it matters to us. We only have her in first period," the other said, a perfect display of disinterest in what did not concern him and his twin directly.

"That can't be good," Tamaki muttered under his breath. Already he was uneasy. She could be doing a manner of things to herself if she was at her home alone. Heaven forbid, what if she had cut herself and hit a vein? What if she was bleeding to death right now, and here he was, sitting and entertaining girls who had no worries or cares but what words their favorite host would utter to them today? Oh, my god, what was he doing?!

"Kyoya!" Tamaki burst out, leaping up from his seat on a couch and racing for the door. "Apologize to my guests for me! I have to go!"

"Hold it, Tamaki," Kyoya said tonelessly, making a mark in his black book. "This has something to do with Samayu Yojin, doesn't it?"

Tamaki halted in his tracks.

"You're spending a little too much time with her, don't you think? For a club _you_ created, you're certainly neglecting it."

"Kyoya," Tamaki said stonily, turning briefly to his friend. "This club is my life, and for God's sake, you know that. But Samayu… she's more than that, you know? She's not just some guest. She's the first person who's ever really needed me. I have to help her."

"Your obsession in meddling where things don't need meddling shocks me still," Kyoya said dangerously. "If you keep running out on us, our revenue will suffer severely."

"So let it."

Kyoya's eyes narrowed.

"It's not as though our lives will be impacted if our revenue falters for a little while. But Samayu… she's _suffering_. I can feel it in her, all the time. It doesn't matter what she's doing, or if she's happy or sad, she's always suffering. I know she's not telling me everything, even though she's already told me so much… and if I stop caring about her, Kyoya, she'll die. I just know it. Someone needs to care."

Kyoya looked as if he wanted to say something, but he never did.

As Tamaki turned towards the door again, he said quietly, "She doesn't care about her stepfather's business. I don't even think she wants it. Why can't you see that? She's not a bad person, Kyoya. I wish you two could be friends, but if you're so nasty to her all the time, you'll never know what an amazing person she really is."

And with that, he opened the door and left, leaving the rest of the hosts staring at the door in shock after him.

* * *

**Samayu**

I felt like I was dying. Maybe I was. Lord knows I've wanted to die for the last two days. But I'm still not brave enough to kill myself. Instead I've given up fighting. I'm sick. If I do nothing at all – if I don't eat, don't drink, if I barely sleep – I'll die. And I'll welcome death with open arms.

I slipped in and out of consciousness, sometimes with my wits about me and sometimes completely delusional. The servants brought food that I didn't eat, offered to call doctors that I wouldn't allow to be called, and offered me get well soon wishes that I didn't listen to.

I was in a state of deliria, entertaining fantasies of Hell, when I heard someone call my name. "Samayu? Oh my god, Samayu!"

It took too much effort to pull myself into sanity and perceive reality, see who was at my bedside and suddenly sitting on my bed, pressing their hand to my forehead. I saw concerned violet eyes, a handsome face, and blonde hair.

"Tamaki?" I croaked out, my voice cracking. "What are you doing here?"

He let out a sigh of incredible relief and then exclaimed, "You're burning up! What on earth is your temperature?!"

"Who knows?" I mumbled.

"Oh my god, what do you mean, who knows? Haven't you tried taking care of yourself at all? Your staff is doing a really crappy job. Is your stepfather here? I really think you need a doctor, or something!"

"No doctors!" I gasped.

He groaned. "I forgot, sorry. Give me a minute."

He raced out of the room and I took the opportunity to panic. What was he doing here?! Why had he come?! And my arms, my legs! I was covered in new cuts! What was I going to say?! I mean, thank the powers that be my arms were beneath the covers, but it would only be so long before he saw my bandages. He had to leave!

He came racing back in after a few minutes, holding a thermometer. "I'm taking your temperature right now. Open your mouth," he said with an uncharacteristic tone of command to his voice.

Seeing no point in refusing, I did as I was told and let him take my temperature. Still adamant about wanting him gone, however, I protested the moment he'd taken the thermometer out of my mouth. "You'll get sick, too," I said stonily. "You should leave."

"When your temperature is at 103 degrees? I don't think so," Tamaki scoffed. "And you're eating something right now."

"I've eaten," I lied, grumbling.

"I talked to one of your maids, there's no use lying," he informed me, sounding somewhat offended. "I know you've been practically starving yourself."

"I'm not hungry," I said, even though I was.

"Doesn't matter. You're going to die of starvation at this rate. I had that maid I spoke to run to the kitchen to get you some soup. And you're eating as much of it as you can."

I groaned and pulled the covers over my head. I just wanted him to go away. I was so weak, so obviously dependent. I hated to be seen by anyone in such a state.

"Samayu, please don't do that," I heard Tamaki plead with me. I had to wonder what he meant. Please don't what? Try to suffocate myself? Push him away? Attempt to hide from him in the most childish way possible? Please don't what?

"Go away," I muttered.

I felt the covers being peeled away from my face. "Don't do this, Samayu," Tamaki sighed. "Don't shut me out."

I'd shut him out whenever I damn well pleased. I stared at him, trying to glare at him, but found myself without the energy to do even that. A maid came into my room with a silver tray and a bowl, and I grimaced. Tamaki thanked her and took the tray. She bowed out of the room.

"All right, sit up," Tamaki said to me, setting the tray on my bedside table and sliding a hand beneath my back to help me up. I jolted, alarmed by the sudden human contact, and Tamaki pulled his hand back rapidly. "You scared me," he said in his defense.

"_I_ scared _you_?" I muttered. "That's one for the record books. And I can sit up on my own."

"Okay."

I started to, and then remembered about my arms. Still covered in bandages. I fell back onto the bed. "I'm really not hungry, Tamaki," I said, and I probably would have blushed if I hadn't been flushed already with fever.

"I've told you before, you _really_ aren't a good liar," he said sternly. "Come on. Sit up."

Oh, screw it. So what if he saw my damned arms. I pushed myself into an awkward sitting position and let the covers pool around my lap. I saw Tamaki's eyes widen when he saw my bandaged arms, dots of blood having seeped through, but he bit his bottom lip and said nothing. I looked at him, as though to say, _there. I'm up_.

"You look like you've been through Hell," Tamaki noted, putting the tray in my lap.

I picked up the spoon and shuddered, saying nothing. I couldn't tell him Hell was exactly what I'd been through. A solid day of nothing but Hell.

We sat in silence, and I was glad for it, able to concentrate on the methodical task of eating. Soup was an easy food. If you concentrated hard enough on the mundane motions it took, you could think about nothing at all.

I set the tray aside when the bowl was half-empty. "You don't have to stay," I finally said. "I'm not exactly in a state to entertain."

"That's fine. I'm not here to be entertained," Tamaki said at once, no hesitation whatsoever. "I'm here to take care of you."

Well, wasn't that just the sappiest thing anyone had ever said to me before? I almost threw up to hear the words. "Tamaki, I really—"

"I'm not going away, Samayu."

I groaned. Why was he being so damned difficult? "Fine then," I grumbled. "What are you planning on doing here, anyway?"

He pursed his lips and looked around my room. His eyes rested on the flat screen on my wall. "We could watch that last _Lord of the Rings_ movie?" he suggested.

I massaged my temples, suddenly getting a headache. "Yeah, sure. Whatever you want. Except for I don't own the last one in Japanese."

"Oh," he mumbled, blushing.

"I have a couple movies in that drawer over there," I said, pointing at my dresser and adjusting my pillows so they acted as a back rest. "Choose whatever one you want."

He scurried over to it and opened the wrong drawer, blushing. I almost laughed. It was my underwear drawer. He slammed it shut and opened the correct one, pulling out four movies, all horror films of sorts. His face blanched. "Which of these is the least scary?" he asked after a minute, once he'd read all the summaries on the backs of the cases.

"Sweeney Todd," I said at once. I kind of wanted to watch that one again anyway. (**A/N I'm sorry. I had to. I just had to. Disclaimer: Sweeney Todd doesn't belong to me…but he belongs with me ;**) "It's in English, though."

"That's all right," Tamaki shrugged. "Japanese subtitles?"

"No, but there's some in French," I said, knowing he'd lived in France most of his childhood. The rich are very involved in each other's lives. I personally knew enough English that I didn't need subtitles. But I guess Tamaki is only fluent in French and Japanese.

So, we watched the movie. Tamaki looked sick when Todd slit the throat of his first victim, but I was utterly enraptured. The American actor who played the man was a genius.

The credits had just started rolling when I knew there was something violently wrong with me. My stomach was rejecting the soup. "Shit," I squeaked, fighting with my sheets to get out of bed as fast as I possibly could and stumbled over my own two feet in my frantic race for my bathroom.

Tamaki seemed struck frozen, and I didn't care. I slammed my bathroom door shut and collapsed next to the toilet, and my stomach expelled everything it had in it.

The door opened. "Samayu, are you okay?!"

"_Do not come in here_!" I snapped, throwing him the nastiest look I could, despising the idea of Tamaki seeing me like this, at my worst. He jolted and shut the door.

Ten minutes or so of that, Tamaki came in again, and no matter what I said or did he wouldn't leave. He sat on the bathroom floor next to me, leaning against the tub as I collapsed next to him, gasping. "I don't want you to see me like this," I breathed, wiping at the corner of my mouth.

He shook his head and slowly placed a hand on my back. "You're sick. It's not as though you can help it."

"Somehow, that doesn't make me feel any better," I muttered, retching again. I pulled myself up over the toilet again and vomited. What the hell I had left in my stomach to vomit, God only knows. Tamaki held my hair for me.

It was too much. I fell back onto the floor, finally feeling as though my stomach was through purging everything it had inside of it, I broke down. "I hate this," I sobbed, burying my face in my knees as I curled them into my body. "I wish I could just die. Don't you ever wish you could just die?"

I felt his arms wrap around me and I winced. I wanted the comfort, but I was particularly sensitive towards human contact at the moment. "It's okay, Samayu," he whispered, combing his fingers through my hair. "You're okay."

"But I'm _not_! I'm not okay, I'll never be okay! You don't understand, Tamaki!" I cried, burying my face in his chest, my breathing disconnected. "I'm so screwed up that I'm never going to be okay!"

"Don't say that," he murmured. I gasped when he picked me up and carried me out of the bathroom, sinking down onto my bed and cradling me in his lap rather than setting me back on the bed. "You'll be fine, I promise."

"I don't want to hear that," I muttered, sniffling. My eyelids were getting heavy.

"Then what do you want to hear?"

I just shook my head as I drifted off, into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

**Tamaki**

Samayu was so small, so fragile. He felt as though she would break in his arms. Tamaki sighed when he realized she had fallen asleep, his heart aching for her. Somehow he could tell this was more than just a bought of sickness. Samayu was somehow tormented.

He knew she'd cut herself more. The bandages on her arms and legs were fresh, and smeared with fresh blood. Something had happened over the weekend. Something had hurt her.

"Nothing's going to hurt you anymore," he whispered sadly, tentatively brushing his lips against Samayu's forehead. "I won't let it."

She shifted in his arms, snuggling closer into him and getting a vaguely frightened look on her sleeping face. "No…" she whispered. "Maika… no… I'm so sorry…"

Tamaki pursed his lips and held her closer. He had no idea who Maika was, but he could tell it was someone important.

"It's okay," he murmured, even though he knew she couldn't hear him, rocking himself slightly, trying to create some soothing motion.

This frail, sick girl in his arms needed him. He couldn't let her down. He couldn't give up. He wouldn't let himself give up.

No matter what happened, he'd help Samayu Yojin. He swore to God he'd help her. She was the first person who'd ever really needed him.

* * *

**Done! Yay! I busted my butt to get this out on today, guys, so I'd love some reviews to keep my spirits up in getting chapter 21 out on time next week! Wow, no diary excerpts in this one... though of course, Samayu's hardly in a state to hold a pen... Anyway,I love you all, thank you for reading, and do please tell me if you'd read a Sweeney Todd fic written by yours truly…**

**Phantom, out!**


	21. Flood Gates

**I'm so tired, you guys. I've been working, my coursework is kicking my butt, and I've been applying to colleges and for scholarships left and right, and to top it all off, the Longhorns lost their game last night. I'm just so tired. This is going to be pretty short. Forgive me.**

**So, Samayu's sick, Tamaki's just made a cliché vow to always protect her; you know, all you stereotypical bad romance-written-by-a-high-school-girl type stuff. And Samayu's started muttering in her sleep about Maika. Today's the day you finally find out what happened with that, so enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Ouran**_**. I do not own **_**Full Metal Alchemist**_**. God knows I don't own **_**Sweeney Todd **_**(sob. And yes, I'm still riding that particular horse). For heaven's sake, I don't even own the shirt I'm wearing! (That's right. I borrowed it from a friend. I am not a thief, I assure you!)**

**Have fun reading Chapter 21**!

* * *

When I finally pulled myself out of sleep, it was dark and someone was snoring beside me. I opened my eyes, and in the dim light of my room I saw that Tamaki was still with me, lying down beside me on top of my covers using his arm as a pillow. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, looking towards my clock. It was three in the morning.

My head was still pounding and my stomach still ached. I was still much too warm. And now my throat hurt as well, like sandpaper was rubbing against the inside of it whenever I swallowed. I sighed and crept out of bed, slipping into the bathroom and turning on the light.

After a few moments of squinting my eyes adjusted enough to see clearly, and I took a good long look at myself in the mirror. God, was I a mess. My hair was in hopeless tangles and I was as pale as the characters in _Sweeney Todd_, the movie Tamaki had watched with me when he'd first gotten here. I had the same dark circles as they did under my eyes, too. And then of course, there were the bandages on my arms and legs, with dried blood dotting a strip every few inches or so.

I washed my face and dressed my cuts with new bandages before shutting off the light and going back out into my room. As I crawled back into bed, Tamaki stirred. "Samayu?" he mumbled, his eyelids fluttering. "Are you finally awake?"

"I could ask you the same thing," I whispered hoarsely. My voice sounded awful. "You do know it's three a.m.?"

He shook his head and sat up, yawning. "You fell asleep and I couldn't stay awake anymore. I didn't think you'd mind."

"You should have gone home."

"I couldn't do that," he said fiercely, to my surprise. I flinched. His voice had seemed as loud as a gunshot to me. "Sorry," he whispered, taking note of this. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I was hit by a train," I informed him resentfully, burrowing under my covers and shutting my eyes. "I'm going back to sleep."

"Wait a second. Let me take your temperature again," Tamaki said, reaching for my bedside table, where the small machine rested.

I groaned. "Do it in the morning."

I felt him peel the covers away from me. "No. Now," he insisted. I was almost ready to punch him in the nose. I really was tired. I wasn't just saying that because I simply didn't want to. My eyelids were so heavy.

But I let him put the thermometer in my mouth anyway, and waited impatiently for it to beep so it could be removed from beneath my tongue and I could finally drift back into unconsciousness. Tamaki took it and read the numbers displayed aloud. "102.3," he said disappointedly. "Not much of an improvement."

"Tamaki?" I whispered, half-gone already. "Stop talking."

* * *

I awoke to the sound of metal clinking against ceramic and opened my eyes. It was much lighter in my bedroom now. The digital clock on my dresser told me it was nine in the morning. I expected to be alone when I looked around, and was shocked to find Tamaki standing at the side of my bed, arranging a bowl of oatmeal on a tray.

"What are you doing here?" I croaked. Ugh, my voice sounded even worse now than it had at three in the morning. "It's nine a.m. on a Tuesday! You should have been at school and hour ago!"

"You're more important," he said simply, helping me sit up and handing me the bowl of oatmeal. "A maid brought up breakfast. I've had mine already."

"Thanks for the heads up," I muttered. My head was throbbing something awful. When I looked at the pasty glop of oatmeal, I felt even sicker. "Not now," I mumbled, returning the bowl to the tray.

"You need to eat."

"Tamaki!" I snapped. "I understand that you're strangely obsessed with my health, but I swear to god, if I eat a single bite of that stuff I am going to puke, and I'll make damn well sure it's all over you!"

Before I knew what was happening, he'd curled up in the fetal position in the corner of my room and was facing the wall, like a child that had been put in a time-out.

I groaned. "I'm sorry. Okay? Sorry. I'm in a shitty mood and I don't feel good and I took it out on you and I'm sorry."

He stood back up and approached me again. "You really don't think you can eat?"

I shook my head.

"All right," he sighed, sitting on my bed next to me. We remained like that for a few moments, in complete silence. I lay back down and buried my face in the covers. "Samayu?" he asked after a little while.

"What?"

"Who's Maika?"

My eyes flew open and I bolted upright so fast the room spun violently. For a moment I thought I was going to throw up, but the nausea passed and I managed to get a good hard stare at Tamaki going. "Where did you hear that name?" I asked through gritted teeth.

He looked rather intimidated. "You… you were mumbling it in your sleep."

DAAAAAAAMN IIIIIIIIIT!

"You just seemed really… sad, when you said her name," Tamaki said feebly. "I didn't know if it was just a dream or if it means something more."

I swallowed hard, which caused the burning in my throat to flare.

"She's someone important, isn't she?"

I let out a weak moan and buried my face in my hands. "You're not wrong," I whispered. "She was very important, yes. Especially to me."

I felt his hand on my shoulder. "You know you can tell me," he murmured. "I'll keep any secret you have."

I shuddered. I'd never told anyone before, about what happened to Maika. "She… she was my little sister," I said shakily, tears already welling in my eyes. "And… she died."

I felt his hand tense and he withdrew it. "What? How?"

I took a few short, shallow breaths and choked out, "My fault."

Silence. I seemed to have struck him dumb. Fine, then. I'd tell him. I'd tell him everything, and once he's aware that I'm a murderer as well as a cutter-freak he'll finally leave me alone to live this death. "She was only seven years old when it happened," I whispered unsteadily. "I was ten. My family… we used to have this ranch in America. We'd go every Summer. I loved it so much. Maika loved it so much. If there was one place I knew she belonged, it was on a horse. I can still remember the way her eyes lit up, at seven years old, when my dad lifted her into a saddle.

We had a barn that we weren't supposed to go into. It was old and dilapidated and just… ready to cave in at any minute. Everyone told us that. I didn't want to go anywhere near it, but Maika… she wanted an adventure. She wanted to explore that old barn. She was so sure there was some sort of treasure hidden in there, and that's why they told us not to go near it, not because it was decrepit and unstable. And one day, I just… I caved. She wanted to go explore the barn and I said okay. I knew we weren't supposed to go in there, but… I ignored everything and we went."

I had to stop talking for a few moments, regaining my breath. I was sobbing.

"It was just… the exactly wrong moment. We went inside and started poking around, looking under boxes and tapping the walls. And I tripped and fell. I went careening into this beam, and it snapped under my weight. And the entire barn came down on top of us. All I remember is screaming for Maika. I don't' even know how I survived it, really. They told me later that a piece of the roof hit me over the head and I keeled over, and it stayed on top of me at a slant and kept deflecting everything. I got out of there with nothing but a broken leg.

But Maika… she was crushed. They pulled her mangled body from the wreckage, and I was bleeding and my leg was broken and I was screaming and I still tried to get up and run to her. I wanted her to be alive so _badly_, but… she was so little and fragile. She just broke. And it's all because I let her go into that barn."

Having completed the recount of my sister's death, I fell to pieces entirely and pulled away from Tamaki as far as I could, burying myself under the covers, curling into a ball. I could still remember the very scent of dust, swirling in the air and flying all around, as I watched my sister's body, crushed beyond recognition, from the ruins.

Tamaki never said anything else. I cried myself to sleep.

* * *

**Tamaki**

Once Samayu's breathing had evened out, Tamaki let out a long breath. He was holding his head in his hands, mouth hanging open wide with horror, knowing he couldn't say anything to make it better but sure that not saying anything was somehow making it worse. He agonized for minutes over what he could possibly say to ease any scrap of Samayu's suffering, but he couldn't think of a single word. And now he'd blown it and she was asleep and he hadn't spoken a damned word.

How could he tell her it wasn't her fault? It was an accident. A pure, unadulterated, yet cruel twist of fate. Accidents happen all the time, but he couldn't believe that one happened in such a mangled, horrid way to her. God seemed to be punishing her for her very existence.

Finally, Tamaki peeled the covers away from Samayu's face, afraid she might suffocate in her sleep. His heart lurched as he saw the tears beading her eyelashes and dotting her pillow.

He groaned softly. He had no idea what to do. He always knew what to do, and now here he was, with no notion gracing him on how to proceed. This was as unchartered territory as he could possibly get. The commoners' world wasn't even as confusing as this.

Tamaki shut his eyes and leaned back against Samayu's headboard. All there was to do now was wait for her illness to pass. Once it had, he'd figure it out from there.

* * *

**Please don't kill me! It's short, I know, I am so sorry! But this sets things up for some serious stuff, guys. You might even say that, up until now, everything I've written has been the exposition, and Chapter 22 will be the start of the rising action!**

**Now, I have something to discuss with you, dear readers. I very much want to hit 100 reviews by chapter 25, and at the rate things are going, that's not going to happen… so I beg of you, give me your insight! I cannot reach this goal without you!**

**Now, I must go apply to more colleges… pray it doesn't kill me, and I will be seeing you all next week (in the most figurative way possible, of course).**

**Phantom, out!**


	22. Hope Beyond Hopelessness

**Chapter 22! Chapter 22! Oh, how exciting! I'm in an excellent mood right now and eager to weave the next installment of a fic between an OC and a much beloved anime character written by a 17 year-old virgin as much as I'm sure most of you are to read it. I assume that if you've made it to Chapter 22 you want to be here reading it.**

**I must now stop to say THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. For reading, for favoriting, for following. Some of you have been with me from day one, and others have joined this story on its way, but I truly do love you all! Also, I'd really like to thank everyone who helped me reach 95 reviews (especially the marvelous person who just recently went back and reviewed every one of my chapters in a row)!**

**Now Tamaki knows about Samayu's cutting and Maika, with more secrets to soon be revealed! You'll remember, dear readers, that Samayu is still sick…**

**And now the rising action truly begins. Enjoy Chapter 22, everybody!**

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I haven't written anything in this journal for a while, and I don't have a lot of time now. Tamaki's just run down to the kitchen to grab some lunch. He's playing hooky again today. It's Wednesday. I'm still sick, though I feel so much better than I did on Monday. I think I might even attempt school tomorrow. And I'll even go to the Host Club after school, not that I'll be looking for an audience._

_In a way, I feel so much better now than I have ever since Dad died. I can't believe it'll be two years come next week. I miss him so much every day. But a friend like Tamaki really does make it better. My life isn't the depths of Hell anymore. Sure, parts of it still suck. Still…_

_My cuts are starting to heal after three days of not being reopened. Tamaki waged war against my bedroom last night and found nearly all the razors I have stashed away. He missed the one under my mattress and the one taped to the inside cover of my thesaurus. I keep those as reserves, and now I guess they're my Plan A and B. He really doesn't want me to cut again. I don't either, but things happen all the time, every day, you know?_

_But it is nice, to feel kind of normal. I'd forgotten. If only I didn't have to go to school or deal with Raito, I think I could actually be sort of happy._

* * *

**Tamaki**

When Tamaki walked into the kitchen expecting to find maids or butlers, he was shocked to find, in addition, a very tall, black-haired man wearing an expensive suit sitting at the counter there, speaking with the cook. The man turned to look curiously at Tamaki when he entered the room. "Oh – you're a Suoh, aren't you?"

This was, no doubt, Raito Mitsurugi. Tamaki bowed respectfully, somewhat intimidated. The man had a very commanding aura hanging about him. "Yes, sir. Tamaki Suoh. How do you know me?"

"I've seen plenty a picture of and attended numerous press conferences beside your father. The resemblance is remarkable," Raito said, smiling warmly at Tamaki. "Though I must say, he's stubborn. I've been trying to forge a business alliance with him for the better half of two years. He won't take me up on my offers."

"Yes, he's very loyal to Ootori Group," Tamaki mumbled, inching behind the counter and opening the refrigerator. He'd grab a drink and run back up to Samayu's side. Now that her stepfather was here, she might not need him much longer.

"You're friends with my stepdaughter, then?" Raito asked casually.

"Oh, uh – yes, sir. I'm currently taking care of her… sort of. She's been sick for a couple of days now."

"Yes, the maids informed me."

"Don't you want to check on her? You're a doctor, why don't you try to figure out what she caught?"

Raito sighed and shook his head. "I would, but I'm afraid our relationship isn't what I hoped it would be when I married her mother. In fact, aside from the fact that she's an artist, I barely know Samayu."

Tamaki started. "She's an artist?"

"An excellent one at that. Her mother tells me she won quite a few contests, was featured in local art shows, back before the death of her father. She still paints, but she's reluctant to let anyone see her work nowadays."

Tamaki's face fell. He didn't know about her art. Maybe Samayu didn't want him to know about it. But now he'd heard she was an artist, he was very interested in seeing the sort of work she did.

"How long have you been seeing to Samayu now?"

Tamaki considered lying, but considering a single statement from the house's servants would discredit any lie he came up with, he answered with the truth. "Since Monday after school. I've been sleeping in the chair she has in her bedroom."

"Have you now." It wasn't a question, and Tamaki shifted his weight nervously. Raito's tone was entirely indiscernible. No way to tell what he felt. "Could you do me a favor, Tamaki?"

"Um… sure."

Raito smiled and pushed a bowl of some sort of soup across the counter to Tamaki. "Would you take this upstairs to Samayu for me? A little something I had the cook whip up when I heard of her situation. I added a few ingredients myself – they should put her out of her misery quickly enough."

Tamaki stared at him. That was a very strange way to put it. Out of her misery? Why didn't he just say she'd be back on her feet in no time, like most people would? Somewhat dazed, Tamaki nodded and picked the bowl up, all thoughts of retrieving lunch for himself forgotten. He was suddenly very anxious to get out of the kitchen. "I can do that, sir."

"And Tamaki?"

"Yes, sir?"

"I think you should let her recover on her own. I'll stop by and check on her later. But for now, I think you should head back to school. You wouldn't want to taint the Suoh family name, now would you?"

Tamaki swallowed hard. "No, sir." Backing away slowly, he exited the kitchen and raced upstairs, back for Samayu's room.

* * *

**Samayu**

I shut my journal the minute Tamaki came into the room, dropping my pen in the middle of a sentence and looking up at him. He had a bowl in his hands.

"Hey, Samayu?" he asked, crossing the room.

"Yeah?" I asked, setting my diary on my bedside table.

"I think I'm going to go back to school for a little while. I'm sure the club's missing me, and Kyoya will probably kill me if I'm gone much longer."

I laughed. "I hadn't thought of that. Yeah, I think you should go." I wasn't being mean this time. To be honest, I was even a little reluctant to tell him to leave. But I couldn't be selfish. His friends needed him to be there for the club, and they have a lot more claim to his time than I do. "Dazzle some girls. Eat some cake. Get Kyoya off your back."

He grinned. "Yeah. Oh – this is for you, by the way." He placed the bowl and a spoon in my hands. "It'll have you back on your feet in no time!"

"Thanks." I was getting kind of hungry, anyway. Now that I could stomach food again, and all. "I think I'm going to go to school tomorrow."

"Really? You're sure you're up to it?"

"If I'm not, I won't come," I pointed out, smiling. "Now get out of here already. I'm fine, I promise."

"I'll visit you tomorrow if you don't come," Tamaki told me.

"All right. Sure."

"Well… bye, then."

"See you." I waved as he crossed the room and slipped out. That was that. I could finally have some time to myself, I guess. Write in my diary some more, think about living my life the way I feel right now. Meditating upon the way I really don't want to be a cutter anymore.

But for now, lunch. I tucked into the soup, a little put-out by the taste. It was very bitter, vaguely herbal, but food, nonetheless. I surprised myself by eating it all.

I turned on _Sweeney Todd_, which was still in my DVD player from when Tamaki and I had watched it, and had barely gotten through the opening sequence when I felt something very, very wrong in my gut.

I toppled out of bed, retching, and the room spun and refused to stop. I collapsed to the floor, praying I could just vomit and force myself to feel better, but I didn't throw up. I just laid there as the room kept spinning and grew fuzzier and fuzzier.

I heard my door open. I expected Tamaki had come back, maybe to retrieve something he'd left here, but it wasn't Tamaki's voice that I heard speak. "Samayu."

I tried to scream, but no sound came out. I saw Raito through my blurry vision, grinning wickedly, and I knew. I knew he was here to finish me.

To silence me. Forever.

To kill me.

It all suddenly made sense. Why Tamaki had wanted to leave so suddenly. Why the soup tasted so bad. Raito had drugged it, somehow. And from the way I felt, he'd drugged it excessively.

He knelt beside me, brushing my hair out of my face and looking into my terrified eyes. Smiling, he held up a bottle of sleeping pills. He shook it, but there was no noise from inside. The bottle was empty. "I added them all," he told me pleasantly. "It was a brand new bottle, too." He looked into my eyes. "You know how you're always begging me to end it?" he whispered. "Well, I'm here to grant your wish."

Life is cruel. Just when you finally start to feel some hope, like you want to try to live your life, someone takes it from you. This is why I never hoped, ever. Because the minute I begin to hope, that hope is torn apart. And now that I've begun to hope for life…

I'm going to be torn apart instead.

I can't be sure, but before I blacked out I think I might have managed to say something. A feeble word in a tiny voice as the world faded into nothing.

"_Please_…"

I meant to say _please don't_, but I went unconscious before the other half had a chance to slip past my lips.

* * *

**Tamaki**

It wasn't until he arrived back at Ouran that Tamaki realized he'd left his bag in Samayu's room, propped up against the armchair he'd been sleeping in. He decided, rather than wait until after school and, incidentally, after the host club meeting, he would go retrieve it at once. And it would give him a chance to see whether or not she'd eaten the soup.

So he turned the car around and headed back to Samayu's mansion. The maids let him in immediately, knowing he was on Samayu's list of people who were welcome to visit her (as a matter of fact, he was the only person on that list), and he navigated the halls back upstairs to Samayu's room.

Her door was locked.

Tamaki's eyes widened. "Samayu?" he called.

No answer.

"Samayu?! _Samayu_!"

He couldn't hear a thing from inside the room. "Oh, my god. Samayu!" When she still didn't answer after half a minute, Tamaki grit his teeth and started ramming into the door. He only succeeded in severely bruising his shoulder. "DAMN IT!"

"Sir? What on earth are you doing?" A maid asked urgently, racing up the hall towards him.

"Please, do you have a key?" Tamaki begged her. "This is important!"

"Um… yes, sir. Right here," she pulled a key out of her apron pocket and handed it to him.

Tamaki couldn't get the door open fast enough. His fingers shook as he unlocked the door and threw it open, looking into the room in desperation, praying Samayu was just in a very deep sleep.

And she was. But in the most horrible way he could have thought possible.

It was the most horrifying moment of his life, opening the door to her bathroom and seeing what was inside. There was blood on the floor, mixed with the water spilling over out of the overflowing tub.

And in the tub, still wearing the clothes he'd left her in, was Samayu, her mouth slack, several deep grooves in both of her arms with blood spilling out of them generously, the crimson liquid drizzling from her arms to the drenched floor.

The maid screamed. Tamaki did, too.

Tamaki was the one who called 9-1-1 (**A/N or the Japanese equivalent of 9-1-1. I'm not sure. Anyway, continuing**). And when asked what his emergency was, he screamed into the phone, "My friend just tried to kill herself! There's a lot of blood and she's unconscious and you've got to send somebody to the Yojin-Mitsurugi Mansion right away! SHE'S DYING!"

* * *

**Fin! What do you think, you guys?**

**It took a lot out of me to write this today. I'm literally also trying to fill out my common application and apply for colleges at the same time. Your reviews would be greatly appreaciated! I have a good feeling we'll be breaking 100 with this chapter. Especially because I feel this is a REALLY GOOD ONE and if you also feel this way you should tell me!**

**I love you all, thank you for reading, and I'll see you all in Chapter 23!**

**Phantom, out!**


	23. Panic Department Overdrive

**Oh, my gosh, guys. It's Sunday already, is it? Wow. I've been doing lots more college stuff, filming for my film editing and design class, painting like a madwoman, studying AP calculus and government like a boss, and listening to lots of music. I did slip in a bit of writing, though, so that's good.**

**Anyway, as you probably very well know, Tamaki just found Samayu in her bathroom and it looks like she tried to kill herself. We, of course, dear readers, know better. So what happens now?**

**Enjoy chapter 23, people!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran or its characters, though I stake full claim to Samayu Yojin! She's mine! You can't have her!**

* * *

I didn't know where I was. It was too bright. There was lots of noise. People yelling, doors slamming, wheels squeaking. Wherever I was, I was moving fast. I could feel wind in my hair. I was lying down. I was wet. I was cold. My arms hurt.

I opened my eyes for a moment, staring up at a white ceiling with blinding lights. People were standing over me, though they weren't looking at me. They were moving up and down in a rhythmic way. They were running. I was being taken somewhere. They were yelling at each other, yelling at passersby. I could hear them, but I didn't listen. It was all just noise to me.

My head felt like it was going to explode.

"Samayu!" A familiar voice cut through the cacophony, and I used that as an anchor to try to pull myself into a state of interactive consciousness, not the lethargic manner I was in now. I looked around, sifting through faces, until I saw his. Tamaki's. He was running alongside the other people, staring at me with hysteria in his eyes, a look of panic. "Samayu, can you hear me?! Are you okay?!"

Obviously not. I didn't even know where I was. I didn't remember much of anything. How did I get here? Why was I here?

I tried to tell him I could hear him, but though I felt my lips moving, no sound came out. A supernova exploded in the unreachable center of my head and I shut my eyes, grit my teeth and groaned. That, at least, made a sound.

"She's in pain!" I heard Tamaki yell. "Do something, you have to do something?!"

What could they do? Who were they?

"Where am I?" I whispered hoarsely, praying someone heard that over all the noise. "What happened to me?"

"It's going to be okay, Samayu, I promise," I heard Tamaki say reassuringly. "You're at Ootori Hospital. You're… sick. They're going to help you get better, okay? I swear!"

I wondered why he hesitated before he said I was sick. What did he mean by –?

OH MY FREAKING GOD NO THIS ISN'T REAL THIS ISN'T HAPPENING HE JUST SAID HOSPITAL AS IN THERE ARE DOCTORS HERE AND OH MY GOD OH MY GOD JUST LET ME FUCKING DIE—

The departments of processing and panic inside my brain switched into high gear all at once and I jolted upwards, ignoring the way it made my head feel like it was imploding, nothing but the animal instinct to get away fueling every action I made.

Hands reached out towards me, trying to push me back down onto the gurney – I only just realized it was a gurney – and I wouldn't let them. Voices tried reassuring me. I didn't want them touching me. I didn't want to hear their lies.

I threw myself off the gurney, through two of the paramedics or nurses or doctors or whatever the hell the people pushing my gurney were, landing painfully on my right side, panic settling into my very core.

_Hospital you're in a hospital they're here to hurt you lies all lies don't believe them don't listen they're going to hurt you like he hurts you run now you have to run_—

I began to scramble to my feet and the people bore down upon me, Tamaki included, hands grabbing my arms, my chest, my shoulders, guiding me gently back towards the gurney. Voices tried convincing me it was all right.

_Not okay hurt you don't let them take you fight them fight them off and run just run get out of here run now RUN NOW_—

I began thrashing like a fish out of water, clawing at every hand that was on me, trying to bite the arms of people still persisting in holding me.

"Samayu, please, stop! Please! Oh, my god, you're running out of time! They won't hurt you, Samayu, please just do what they ask!" Tamaki began pleading with me from somewhere. His voice was distant to me. My attention was entirely focused on escape.

The atmosphere of the people around me grew frantic. What did they have to be frantic about?! They were the ones trying to hurt me!

Something pinched my arm and I gasped, swiping my arms at two more people futilely as my body began to grow heavy. I looked down and saw someone pulling a needle from my arm. Damn it. They got me. I was dead.

I felt my eyelids begin to droop and hands and arms wrapped around me again, supporting my limp, worthless body. I saw Tamaki's face through the blackness creeping up from the edges of my vision. "Traitor," I muttered, my mouth going slack, before the darkness enveloped me and my mind went blank.

* * *

The next time I woke up, I felt even worse. My throat was on fire. My stomach felt like I'd swallowed a knife and it was tearing into my abdomen. I wasn't moving and I wasn't soaked anymore, though I was still a little cold. My arms still hurt, but not as badly.

Something was beeping steadily to my left. What a hell of an annoying sound.

I opened my eyes. I was in a white room lying in a bed with white sheets. The wall to my left had an enormous window, which overlooked downtown. The door on the right side of the room was partially open.

Someone was sitting in the chair next to my bed. Tamaki was staring at me, looking almost frightened. "Samayu?" he whispered.

I remembered everything in a flood of confusion and panic, and my chest began to ache, like someone had punched me. "Hospital," I managed to choke out. "No."

"It's okay," Tamaki said, reaching for my hand.

I pulled it back and his fingers found nothing but the fabric of my blanket. I was so angry. He _knew_. He knew about my fear. And yet he gave me up to them. The people I fear the most.

Tamaki winced. "I know you're mad. I didn't have any choice."

"There's always a choice," I snarled, glad to find my voice was working, albeit the sore throat. "You chose this. And you _knew_."

"You were _dying_," he said furiously, his patience obviously worn thin. "What was I supposed to do?!"

"Let me."

The words hung in the air horribly. I don't even know if I meant them.

Tamaki looked like he was in pain. "Samayu… I know things are hard… but it was just a moment of weakness. I know it was. Death is _forever_, Samayu. Why would you do… what you did? You're life has so much meaning—"

"What did I do?" I interrupted him. I wasn't going to listen to a life value lecture without knowing what brought it on. Right then I was only confused.

He stared at me.

"Tell me." Raito must have done something. Something bad. I knew he drugged me, but there had to be something else.

"Don't you remember?" he whispered. I shook my head. He bit his lip and took a deep breath. "You… you took a lot of sleeping pills. You slit your wrists. You tried to drown yourself." He swallowed hard. "I found you dying in your bathtub."

Oh, god. That was so much worse than anything I had imagined. Raito really had tried to kill me. He really wanted me dead. "Tamaki… I'm so sorry," I breathed, because I was. I truly was. How horrible it must have been to have found me like that. I could only imagine… blood everywhere.

"Ah, Sleeping Beauty has awakened," an unfamiliar voice said from the doorway, and I shot my head up. I almost screamed.

It was a doctor, of course. For a second I thought it might be Kyoya before I realized he was too old and had a squarer jaw. Without a doubt one of Kyoya's older brothers. The oldest one. I couldn't remember his name. I'd seen it before in articles, but it escaped me now.

I fumbled for Tamaki's hand, in both a silent way to tell him all was forgiven as well as a desperate way to seek comfort. He gripped my hand firmly, squeezing our palms together reassuringly as he weaved our fingers together.

"How are you feeling?" Dr. Ootori asked, coming to the end of my bed and pulling a clipboard from a basket on the railing, flipping through it.

"Throat hurts," I mumbled. "And head. And stomach. And arms."

"The sore throat and upset stomach are common reactions to having your stomach pumped," he informed me, and I cringed. I wasn't aware that I'd had that done to me.

Tamaki gripped my hand more tightly.

Dr. Ootori set my clipboard back in the basket. "Well, it seems you have a touch of the flu. There are also stitches in your wrists, in case you were wondering about the bandages."

I looked down at my arms, which were, indeed, bandaged lightly. I hadn't even noticed. I was used to bandages. They felt natural to me.

Dr. Ootori came closer to me and pulled a tiny flashlight out of the pocket of his white doctor's coat. "Follow my finger with your eyes," he instructed, holding up his pointer finger and moving it back and forth, up and down. I tracked its movement using my eyes as he shone the light into each of them in turn.

After a few moments of that, he pocketed the light and put his stethoscope on. My body tensed up as he placed the metal circle over my heart and the beeping on the heart monitor accelerated, betraying my fear to all ears in the room.

He listened to my lungs briefly, and Tamaki had to guide me through my breathing because I was kind of forgetting to, I was so frightened.

"Open your mouth for me."

It took a little bit of coaxing from Tamaki, but I finally did and Dr. Ootori peered down my throat. "Well, you're recovering well," he informed me. "We'll keep you overnight for observation, just to make sure, and then you're free to go home."

I nodded.

"There is one thing I'm afraid you'll have to do before you go home," Dr. Ootori continued. "Upstairs you'll find the office of Dr. Natsuo. He's a highly accomplished psychiatrist. You'll need to visit briefly with him."

Anger replaced fear and I asked lividly, "A shrink? You're making me see a _shrink_?"

"In circumstances such as yours, it's required."

"But I didn't do anything!"

"He'll be waiting for you at 10:30 tomorrow morning," Dr. Ootori said by way of farewell, sweeping out of the room.

"A shrink. No way in hell am I going to see a shrink," I muttered.

"Samayu—"

"No way in hell, Tamaki," I repeated stonily, and he shut up. "I'm not crazy. I don't need psychiatric help. There is no way in hell I am going to see a shrink."

* * *

And I didn't. I fell asleep after a while as Tamaki traced the lines in my palm and woke up alone, afraid when the door opened until I saw it was Tamaki, coming in with breakfast. 10:30 came and went, and I ignored my arranged visit with Dr. Natsuo, instead getting dressed in clothes Tamaki had brought for me and preparing myself for my departure.

At 11:00 a man I did not know came into the room and announced himself as Dr. Natsuo. I could only stare at him.

"Do you think I could speak to Miss Yojin alone?" Dr. Natsuo asked Tamaki, smiling. Tamaki hesitated but nodded after a moment, leaving the room even though I protested. The doctor turned back to me. "You missed your appointment. I was concerned."

"Don't be. I'm fine," I grumbled, sitting down on the hospital bed and glaring at him.

"Miss Yojin, do you think you could tell me about what happened yesterday?"

I froze. What did I say, what did I say? Raito would mutilate me if I breathed a word about what really happened to me.

"Miss Yojin?"

"I… I…"

"Are you sure you're alright?" Dr. Natsuo asked, his expression thick with genuine concern. "Perhaps I should call Dr. Ootori—"

"No!" I gasped. "I'm fine! I am!" I stared at him, long and hard, for a few interminable seconds before I took a deep breath and whispered," No one at school likes me. My dad is dead. My little sister is dead. I just… yesterday… I couldn't take it anymore. So I took the pills. I don't remember after that."

All lies. Well, maybe not all. The first parts were true. But I didn't take any pills. Not voluntarily.

"Your father and younger sister? How did they die?"

"Dad was… murdered two years ago. My sister died a long time ago." I bit my lip. "I as good as killed her."

There was a long, horrible moment of silence.

"Thank you, Miss Yojin. That's all I needed to hear."

Dr. Natsuo left. After a few minutes alone, in which I broke down and started sobbing into my hands, Tamaki came back. I heard the door open and I felt his arms around me. "Hey," he whispered. "It's going to be okay. You're going to be fine."

"What do you mean?" I hiccupped. "I _am_ fine."

"No, Samayu. You're not. Not yet. But you will be." He paused. "Dr. Natsuo put you on suicide watch."

"WHAT?!" I yelped, horrified. "He can't do that! I mean – I'm fine! I have school and everything! How does that even work?!"

"It will," Tamaki said reassuringly, as though that would help. "It just means someone has to be with you all the time."

"But _I didn't try to kill myself_."

"Samayu, please," he sighed.

"I didn't," I repeated. I don't know why I expected him to believe me. Maybe I just hoped someone would understand. But obviously, no one ever will. I don't even understand myself.

He sighed again and shook his head. "Come on," he whispered. "I'm taking you home now. And after that, I'm not letting you out of my sight."

* * *

Diary excerpt

_He didn't believe me. He didn't. I could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. He didn't believe me. That hurt so bad._

_Suicide watch. I was never going to get another peaceful moment._

* * *

**Fin! Sorry for the late-ish update, I wanted to have this up hours ago, but I was out and about filming a horror movie for class. But it's done now! And you've read it! **

**And now you have to wait a week for chapter 24. I'm sorry!**

**What did you think? What happens next? And the really big question: When is Raito going to get screwed by karma?**

**Unfortunately, not even I know some of those answers yet. (Sigh.)**

**Love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	24. Epiphany of a Lifetime

**I'm warning you now; this will have to be short. It has to be because I started writing it today, Sunday, after working two shifts at work and shopping at JoAnn's and Goodwill for things to complete my costume with. I apologize.**

**Recap: Samayu is officially on suicide watch. Tamaki is taking her home from the hospital. And just warning you, all I know about suicide watch is what I've seen on television, so if there are inaccuracies, I apologize.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Ouran**_**… though I do own twelve volumes of the manga. =3**

* * *

"Please say something," Tamaki said after nearly ten minutes of tepid silence in his car. I was sitting in the passenger's seat with my knees curled into my chest and my face buried in my hands, shaking with both rage and feeble attempts at trying not to cry.

"Fine," I muttered, discreetly wiping my eyes with my thumbs as tears threatened to trickle out of them.

"Samayu," he said pleadingly. "I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say it?"

"What do you _think_?" I growled. "You handed me over to a bunch of doctors. I am never going to get another moment alone because of _you_."

"You were _dying_!" he said again for the umpteenth time. "What would you have had me do, Samayu?! I couldn't just leave you there!"

"Why not?!"

He froze. "You're asking me why?! Because you're my friend, damn it! I can't watch you self destruct anymore! It's killing me, Samayu! _Killing_ me!"

"Have you ever thought that maybe it would be better if I were dead? My mom doesn't want me, my stepdad is… not nice, and I'm _always_ suffering!" I yelled.

"Maybe if you made any effort at all you wouldn't be! It's like you _want_ to be hated, and honestly, I don't understand it! Samayu, if you died… I don't what I would do."

That humbled me.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_He was right. I don't make any effort at all._

_I never saw it that way before. It's just that… I've always thought no one could ever accept me. I'm a freak to them. Scars up and down my arms and legs. I had red hair and gold eyes for the better part of two years._

_I always thought no one could understand me. No one could ever know what I went through. There was no one who would want to come near me._

_So I never tried_.

* * *

"Samayu?" Tamaki suddenly asked, sounding horrified. "Oh my god, Samayu, are you crying? Damn it, I'm sorry! Did I make you cry?! I'm sorry!"

I was crying. I had broken down entirely. I was having a moment in which the feeling that came with it was highly akin to religious epiphany and it was like I could breathe again, breathe at last. I've been drowning for two years.

"Samayu, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you cry!" Tamaki exclaimed again. He was slowing down the car.

I wiped at my eyes uselessly. "What are you doing?"

"I'm pulling over."

"Don't! I'm fine, really! I just… I had a moment," I said, laughing a little. "I'm good, I really mean it. I think I might be better than I have been in a long time."

I felt him staring at me, though he sped back up.

"I mean it!" I insisted, grinning at him through my tears, which had turned into ones of pure joy. "I'm serious."

"Okay," he said unsurely.

"I want to go to school tomorrow."

"What?! Are you sure that's a good idea? You just got out of the hospital!"

"I want to go. I want to try," I said sincerely. "You're right, Tamaki. I never made an effort. Nobody ever approached me because I never let anyone know that I wanted them to. But I want to try. I want friends. I've never really had friends before."

He burst into an unexpected fit of laughter. "I'm sorry, what? Could you repeat that? Did you just say I was right?"

I blushed. "Don't expect to hear it again," I mumbled, though I did find it kind of funny myself.

"So, wait a second. If you've never really had friends before, what does that make me?"

* * *

Diary excerpt

_Tamaki is my friend. He's the first friend I've ever made. I have no idea why he wanted to push his way into my life, but it's the best thing that's ever happened to me before. I can see that now. That makes him so much more than a friend. He's an angel. My guardian angel_.

* * *

"I don't really know yet," I whispered, embarrassed.

"I hope that's a good thing," he smiled. I nodded in reply.

* * *

"So… this is it," I said, a little self-conscious, as Tamaki and I stared at each other across my living room. "You just… stay here for God knows how long?"

"I guess."

I sighed. Right now there were servants going through my closet, confiscating things I could use to strangle myself, and rooting through my bathroom drawers, looking for pills to remove. My birth control pills were hidden beneath a floorboard under my bed that I pried up after Raito started raping me. Those, at least, I was sure would not be found. I expected them to find the razor blade beneath my mattress, but the one in my dictionary I also expected would be safe. Though when I would be able to retrieve and use it, I had no idea.

I didn't want to think about what was going on in my room, or in the kitchen, where the knives and other sharp objects were being locked up. I wanted to escape my life, my reality, for an hour or two and just be alone with my thoughts, but I couldn't because I was officially on suicide watch, when I wasn't even suicidal.

I stood up. "Can I show you something?" I asked.

"Anything."

"Come with me." I waited for him to get to his feet and then left the room. He followed me down the hallway and into my studio. I breathed in deeply, content. It was good to be back inside, surrounded by my supplies.

"Wow," Tamaki said, looking around. "Your stepdad said something about you being an artist, but this is… wow."

My stomach rolled when I thought about Raito talking to Tamaki and I gagged a little bit. Bile leapt to my throat.

"Samayu? Are you okay?" I felt Tamaki wrap and arm around me and his hand on my forehead, checking to see if I still had a fever.

"I'm fine," I said, swallowing back the potent, disgusting taste and pulling away. "I'm fine," I repeated. "I just want to paint."

He sighed, looking around again. "Okay."

I got a blank canvass and Tamaki started looking around, flipping through the numerous sketchbooks lining the wall – organized by the dates in which I completed filling them.

I lost myself in the paint. I didn't pay any attention to what I was painting at all; I just let my hands move, doing whatever they wanted. Entirely free-lance. It wasn't until I heard Tamaki's voice, directly behind me, that I was hurled back into reality and looked at what I had created.

"Oh… wow, Samayu. Is that me?"

I gasped and turned around. Tamaki was so close to me that when I did, our bodies were pressed together. Blushing, I stepped away to look at my painting, like he was.

My paintbrush clattered to the floor.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I do not paint bright scenes. Everything I paint has an element of darkness to it. So when I stepped away from that canvass and saw a painting with swirling whites and golds, bright colors, the darkest of which was brilliant blue, I was frightened. It was like I wasn't myself anymore._

_And I had painted Tamaki. It was him, without a doubt, shimmering gold hair and deep, enticing blue eyes. But I had painted him with wings. And just like that, I knew that he knew about the way I felt about him. What he was to me. Because he is so much more than a friend. Sure, he's my best friend, but he's even more than that._

_I think I may even… like him. I mean, _like_ him, like him_.

* * *

"It's you," I whispered, turning a brilliant shade of red.

"You… you painted me with wings," he said, staring at my painting with his mouth hanging half-open.

"Yeah," I said matter-of-factly, deciding to spare myself embarrassment by not acting embarrassed, if that makes any sense at all. "I guess I did."

"It's… it's beautiful," he murmured, reaching for my hand. I let him take it.

"Well, in case you hadn't noticed, you're kind of beautiful."

Did that really just come out of my mouth?!

For a single, beautiful moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. He was leaning forward and looking at me with a look I've never seen in his eyes before, a soft, wonderful look that told me he thought something more of me than just a friend, too.

And when his lips were a mere inch from mine the door burst open and we whirled around, and I was suddenly staring at the enraged look on my mother's face.

And I thought she didn't care.

Turns out she does. But only when I nearly screw up her career.

* * *

**Fin! It is finished! And much further along than I expected it to be. I honestly didn't expect to get this far when I started it, people, and it is no less than a miracle that it's reached this point! Things are about to blow up! You know the saying – it has to get worse before it gets better.**

**Review! Tell me what you thought of Samayu's epiphany, of her painting, of Tamaki and Samayu's near-kiss!**

**Phantom, out!**


	25. Mostly Numb

**I have been absent from this site for nearly three weeks now. I am suffering from withdrawal as much as you are, I assure you. I am so sorry I couldn't get chapter 25 up 2 weeks ago when it should have been, and even sorrier that this is all I have to give you. But it is back; I am continuing it! Life has just gotten in the way lately and I haven't had time to write at all.**

**So here's chapter 25. I really hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

"Mother!" I gasped, leaping away from Tamaki and blushing furiously, folding my hands nervously behind my back. What are you doing here?! I mean – I thought you were supposed to be in Taiwan still…"

I trailed off when she approached me, her expression of fury transforming into a look of passive indifference. I was scared of that look. She was at her most terrifying now, when she did not look angry but exuded an aura of pure, unadulterated rage. "Mother?" I breathed. It came out sounding more like a whimper.

He hand whipped across my face before I knew what was happening and my cheek stung from the vicious slap. I let out a gasp and clasped my hand against my cheek, flinching when she drew her hand back again. She held it frozen in the air for a moment and then slowly let it fall back to her side. Tears clouded my vision.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_She had never hit me before. Never. No matter how much she hated me for stealing her other daughter from her or how bitter she was that I looked so much like her dead husband, she never laid a hand on me. There were so many times I thought she would, but she never did. It was like she was almost afraid to touch me. Like touching me would acknowledge I was real. Like it would confirm that I was some… phantom, or monster or something_.

* * *

"Suicide," she snarled. "One of the most important business ventures of my career and I receive a call that tells me my _worthless_ daughter—" I cringed. "—has attempted to kill herself! Production delayed and the newspapers after me at every street corner looking for my explanations! All because my daughter decided to do something irresponsible and selfish!"

I stared at her blankly. She was beyond reasoning now. Nothing I said would change the fact that I had inhibited the newest chapter in her career. Nothing would change the fact that it looked like I had tried to off myself. She would never see reason. All I could do was stand there and take it.

My chest hurt so badly that I couldn't breathe, like someone was crushing my heart. She didn't check to make sure I was okay. She didn't even ask why I did it (though I didn't, of course). She was just mad that I did something to put a dent in her career.

I love my mother. After everything, I still love her.

But in that moment, I also hated her more than I have ever hated another person. Even Raito, though that passed after a few moments. Raito was still the most vile, evilest person I'd ever had the misfortune to encounter.

We stared at each other for an eternity; blank stare meeting furious glower. I refused to speak. My sole objective was to endure, take the punishment I did not deserve, and find a way to retrieve my last hidden blade and slice into my arm to alleviate some of this horrible pain in my chest. Maybe my legs, too.

Maybe I really would try to kill myself.

She finally began to speak, and the words chilled my blood. "You are not my daughter."

I was numb. I couldn't feel my body. Only the crushing pain in my chest. If there were ever a time I didn't want her to care, it was now. The moment she starts caring about what I do is the one moment I wish she wouldn't. "Mom… please… you don't mean that!" I choked out. It was all I could manage – my throat was closing up.

"I want you out of this house."

"Mom!"

"I'm done, Samayu. When you decide you want to be my daughter again, give me a call. I'm flying back to Taiwan tonight. Your father and I will discuss what to do with you later."

"He's not my father," I whispered reflexively.

"I'm done, Samayu. Get out of this house." And leaving me those as her parting words, she stormed back out the door.

The floor rose up to meet me. At first I was so disoriented I didn't understand. The floor should be stable, shouldn't it? Why was it moving? Someone wrapped their arms around me. Oh, that was right. Tamaki was still here, wasn't he? I'd forgotten. Mom hadn't even mentioned him. I realized that the floor hadn't moved up; my knees had buckled. Tamaki caught me before I hit the floor.

"Damn it," I gasped, holding back tears. "What am I going to do now? I don't… _Damn_ it!" I repeated, wiping at my eyes. I couldn't breathe.

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" Tamaki asked me. He sounded much too calm. The world was ending, wasn't it? It had to be. It wouldn't stop shaking. "You'll just have to come stay with me for a while."

If that wasn't both the nicest and strangest offer ever made to me in my entire life, I didn't know what was. Then it occurred to me that it would make Tamaki's life much easier if I was living in the second Suoh mansion with him; it would be only too easy to keep an eye on me. But even though I could see something selfish in his offer, I knew that really he was just being nice. He was so giving. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know. And it was the only option I had. Sniffling, I whispered, "Okay."

* * *

I would miss a few things about my mansion. Some of the servants were really nice. My artwork had to be left behind in my studio, save for the painting I had just done, which I was gifting to Tamaki. He was excited about it, too – he claimed it was going to be framed and hung on the wall in his bedroom the minute we arrived. I left behind most of my clothes, since Tamaki assured me the guest room I'd slept in before still had a closet stocked with things I could wear. I'd thrown three pairs of my ratty old sweats, a stack of books from my personal library of fiction, a few of my favorite films, my sketchbook, and my journal into a duffel bag. That sat in the back next to the painting and the pillow from my bed. Curled up in the front seat, I was clutching two stuffed animals to my chest: Nimblefoot (my favorite, whom I have mentioned before) and Pepper, a Dalmatian stuffed animal that I've had since I was three years old.

I had left the only razor I had left in my room, still taped to the inside of my dictionary. I was going to miss that more than anything.

"Are you okay?" Tamaki asked as we approached his mansion.

It took me a while to even register that he had spoken and longer for the words to make sense to my addled brain. "I'm just… numb," I finally responded quietly. "I can't feel anything at all. I feel so empty." Except for my chest. It still felt like someone was smashing my heart to a pulp inside of my ribcage.

We pulled up to the front of his house. Tamaki got out of the car and walked around the front to my side, opening the door for me. I fumbled with my seatbelt, unable to get a firm grip on the clasp of it with my shaking hands before I managed to undo it and clumsily clambered out. Servants came out of the mansion and removed my things from the backseat.

I had forgotten that I was still kind of sick. I could see my breath transforming into fog in the cold air outside, but I didn't feel the frigid bite of winter like I was supposed to. I was sure if I just got a good night's sleep I'd be fine.

Tamaki led me inside the mansion – and I was almost knocked off my feet as something large and furry with four legs barreled into mine. I let out a yelp and staggered backwards as the dog, tail wagging rapidly, began to try jumping on my, trying to bestow upon me kisses of the canine persuasion.

"Antoinette!" Tamaki exclaimed, grinning as he saw the expression of mute shock on my face. "Come here, girl!" he called her, kneeling. She bounded over to him at once, licking his face. I cringed. Dog slobber. He got her to calm down a little, getting her to lie down, and then said to me, "Sorry about that. I haven't seen her for a while. One of my maids likes to take Antoinette home with her when I can't be here a lot to play with her. Her kids love you, don't they, Antoinette?" he crooned, scratching the dog's ears.

Slowly, I knelt down and ran my hands along Antoinette's back. A part of me began to calm down a little bit, which surprised me. I'd read before that pets were therapeutic; I just had never believed it until now.

Tamaki stood up and Antoinette scrambled to her feet. I stood up too. "Do you want anything?" Tamaki asked. "You haven't eaten in a while, right?"

"I'm not hungry," I said truthfully. My stomach didn't hurt anymore. It was completely fine. It was only the fact that I had a lingering fever that I was concerned about. To be honest, I still didn't feel like talking very much, not when I had so much to sort out in my head. "Why don't we finish _Lord of the Rings_?" I suggested.

His eyes lit up and I knew I was going to get my way. We were in the living room with the movie's title screen rolling in five minutes. I was curled up on an end of the couch hugging my stuffed animals, childishly relying on them for comfort. Antoinette, surprisingly, curled up next to me and I stroked her absentmindedly while half watching the movie, half thinking. How was I going to prove that I hadn't tried to kill myself and get off this stupid suicide watch? How would I stay sane without my painting? And most importantly, how would I get my hands on a new razorblade?

My mind was swimming with unreciprocated questions that I saw no possible way to find answer, and before I knew it I was lost in dreams rather than thoughts.

* * *

It was Tamaki who woke me up as the movie's end credits were rolling. "I can't believe you missed that," he informed me. "It was amazing. I need to watch those again."

I yawned. "What, the spider didn't scare you?"

His face blanched. "Please do not mention the spider."

I laughed. "I don't blame you. That was pretty freaky."

"Only the understatement of the year," he mumbled. "Anyway, how about some dinner? What do you say?"

I still wasn't hungry, but I agreed because I didn't want him to worry that I was ill or trying to starve myself or something. We had elaborately arranged French cuisine that tasted as though God himself had prepared it for us, though I picked at my food and hid a decent amount beneath my napkin rather than eating much of what was on my plate. When Tamaki was satisfied that I had eaten enough – I gathered dinner had been more for my sake than his – I wanted nothing more than sleep.

* * *

It was irritating, knowing he was sitting in the chair in the room I'd be staying in for however long I was here as I took a shower and got dressed in a pair of my sweats and a tank top from the closet. I shaved my legs with more of the same hair-dissolving cream that had been in the shower for me the last time I was here. I was beginning to worry that I'd never see a blade again. While I was brushing my teeth, a maid came into the bathroom and gathered my discarded clothes into a laundry basket. I expected her to leave me alone, but she stood in the doorframe of the bathroom, watching me.

I looked at her using the mirror, using my eyes to ask for an explanation. She told me Tamaki had gone to prepare for bed and he had enlisted her to keep an eye on me until he got back. She seemed embarrassed by this, as though she suspected that when Tamaki came back we were going to do a whole lot more than sleep. I sighed and spat toothpaste into the sink, wondering if this would be my routine every night while I was here.

I was in bed and half-asleep when I heard Tamaki come back in and release the maid. She was only too happy to leave. "Good night," I mumbled groggily.

I could hear him settling into the armchair again and the rustling pages of a book. He was going to read for a while, I supposed. It was still early as far as the night went, and while I was dead tired I didn't expect him to be. "Good night, Samayu," he replied.

I burrowed under the covers, clutching my stuffed animals, and let sleep take me. I wanted dreams more than anything else. Even a nightmare. So long as I could escape from reality for a while. Raito had tried to kill me. My mom had written me off as her daughter.

And I had school tomorrow.

* * *

**Done! I know where I'm going with this story now, all the way to the end! I'm anticipating about 10 more chapters before this story reaches its end. Will you be sad to see it go? I will be. Anyway, I was wondering if any of you read the manga, or if you just watch the anime? Tell me in reviews! Also, if any of you are reading and waiting for updates on my **_**Sweeney Todd**_** or **_**Van Helsing**_** fics, I'm working on it! I really am!**

**So, review? =3 I'll see you all in chapter 26!  
Phantom, out!**


	26. Cowgirls and Crazies

**I am back with chapter 26! I'm getting an early start writing this one so I can have it out on time… we'll see Sunday =3 teehee. I probably should be working on my senior paper instead (Intelligent Design vs. Evolutionism… phew!) but sometimes I just need to get some writing out of my system. Thanksgiving break was a no-homework weekend, so I was able to write to my heart's content!**

**So, as you may remember, Samayu has been disowned by her mother and is now indefinitely living at Tamaki's mansion, under close surveillance as she is on "suicide watch." How will things unfold when she returns to school? Enjoy chapter 26!**

**Disclaimer: You guessed it; I own nothing. Not this laptop, either. I am, however, the proud owner of all 18 volumes of the Ouran manga… Hooray!**

* * *

I was rudely awoken in the middle of the night by Tamaki's flailing arm.

I let out a yelp and scrambled away from it, still delusional from my dreams and preparing myself for an attack – in my sleep, I had dreamt I was a ninja, or something akin to it – but I relaxed when I realized it was only him. Tamaki was deep in sleep and had evidently rolled over rather enthusiastically, his arm flying haphazardly over his body and smacking me directly in the face. I giggled a little bit before I realized there was something warm and wet coming out of my nose. I lifted a hand to it and when I pulled it away, the tips of my fingers were scarlet. Looking downward, I saw two perfect circles of blood dotting the bedspread.

"Shit," I breathed, lifting a hand to my nose and keeping it there to catch any more falling blood as I scrambled off the bed, racing for the bathroom. I felt guilty about the bedspread. I leaned over the sink and removed my hand from my face. Blood cascaded out of my palm into the porcelain base of the sink. I gasped and turned the water on as blood kept falling. He'd really gotten me good. I washed off my hand and made sure to keep my face hovering over the sink before I reached for the tissue box on the bathroom counter, pulling out several sheets and wiping off my upper lip before proceeding to stuff it up both my nostrils, which is one of the most unattractive things a person can do.

And of course, that's when the blonde responsible for my bloody nose came into the bathroom, looking frantic. "Samayu! What are you—?!" He stopped short when he saw the bloody tissues I had discarded on the counter. "Oh, my god, you are _not_—!"

"Calm down, man," I said irritably, holding out my arms so he could see there were no fresh incisions on them. "Where do you think I'd get a blade? There probably isn't one left anywhere in this house."

He looked down at me for the first time and his expression morphed rapidly, almost comically, from rage to appall. "Good lord, Samayu, what happened to your face?" he asked.

"You hit me," I informed him indignantly, crossing my arms and leaning against the counter before sliding to the floor. "I thought someone was attacking me in my sleep. But it was just you, punching me in the face."

He didn't believe me. "Seriously, Samayu, what happened? Did you smack into the door on your way to the bathroom?"

"No. You hit me."

We stared at each other for a long moment until something crucial must have clunked into place inside Tamaki's brain and he gasped. "I am so sorry, Samayu! I didn't mean to, I swear!"

"I know you didn't mean to," I grumbled, holding out on the forgiveness. My nose was starting to feel like it had been hit by a train at full speed. "I'm saying it wasn't _nice_."

He pulled another couple of tissues out of the box and slid onto the floor next to me. "Here," he said, reaching towards my face with one of them and rubbing my cheek. "You missed some."

I blushed and took the tissues away from him. "I'll deal with it later. Just go back to bed. I'm fine."

"No, you kind of jump-started my system with those bloody tissues on the counter. My heart's still racing," he smiled. "I am sorry about hitting you. Can I make it up to you?"

I stared at him. Was he kidding? He'd already gone above and beyond with kind gestures towards me. I should be the one madly figuring out how to repay him. "No. It was an accident," I mumbled, looking down into my lap as I found myself unable to look at him. My chest had stopped hurting over my mom last night at dinner, but my heart began to ache with another sort of pain when he smiled at me. "So, um… what were you reading last night? When you came back into the room?" I asked to fill the awkward silence.

"Well, I've recently gotten interested in my father's company. I figure it might make my grandmother like me a little more," he said, laughing softly. "So I was going through some different accounts of people who run things like hotels and other businesses in the service industry. I liked it a lot, actually! It was very interesting and I could tell all the writers were passionate about their work."

Just listening to him talk about it, something he enjoyed and was happy about, brought a smile to my face. "That's good." Hoping it had been long enough for my nose to stop bleeding, I pulled the tissues out of my nose and waited to see if more blood would trickle from it. It didn't, thank goodness, though my face still felt bad. "So… school today, huh?" I asked, sighing as I stood up and started gathering the bloody tissues to toss into the wastebasket.

"Are you nervous?" he asked. "You'll probably have a lot of homework to make up, huh?" Of course he would assume that was the only thing I'd be worried about.

"I'm not concerned about that," I mumbled, washing my hands. The dried blood under my fingernails refused to budge. I gave up and shut the water off. "It's… the people," I admitted as I dried my hands off and started heading back to the bedroom.

"Samayu," Tamaki said softly from behind me. He grabbed my hand and I found myself trapped between the wall and him, shocked by the suddenness of the situation. I was facing the wall, frozen. I could sense him, leaning over me, holding my hand in his with his other on the wall, making a sort of cage with his arm to hold me inside. I sucked in a shallow breath of air and held it. "Don't worry," he breathed. His face was somewhere above my right shoulder, but I didn't dare look. My heart was already pounding; one look at his face and it would explode. "Nothing bad is going to happen to you. I'm not going to let it. So… don't be sad anymore."

Ah; so he could feel it. I thought I'd been hiding it so well. Despite the temporary happinesses he kept offering to me, nothing could change the fact that my stepfather had tried to kill me, everyone important to me believed I'd tried killing myself, and that my mother had thrown me out of the house and told me I was no longer her daughter. My world, small world that it was, was crumbling around me.

Tamaki pulled his hand away from the wall and I felt him move away from me. It was a long time before I stopped crying long enough after that to realize Tamaki was still standing behind me, waiting with open arms to offer me comfort. But the minute I saw his expression, an inviting, protective one, I got scared by how badly I wanted to rush into his arms and let him embrace me. I looked at him for an awkward moment and wiped at my eyes before I turned around and fled from the bathroom, throwing myself onto the bed and burrowing under the covers so deeply that I hoped it would black out everything; my pounding blood, my racing heart, and especially the memory of Tamaki's face, wordlessly offering me comfort and protection with his outstretched arms.

* * *

School. It was a Thursday, and too many curious glances were being thrown my way after missing three days of school – and even more because I had arrived at school in Tamaki's car. He had driven, which he assured me was not all that common; he usually had a car bring him to school and pick him up. I never had cars bring me to school; I preferred the solitude of driving. It gave me time to think.

A few guys asked me where I was and if I was all right, and to my relief nobody seemed to know about what happened over my absence. The girls cared that I was back because of the way I'd gotten to school. I had to endure glares and sneers, but the twins stuck to me like glue, dragging Haruhi along with them. I knew they were hanging out with me because Tamaki asked them to, but once I put that that aside I actually enjoyed myself a lot with them. The twins had the sort of personalities I enjoyed. I liked talking to Haruhi a lot, too. She was smart and blunt. She didn't spare any feelings, though I don't think she was being so direct intentionally. I got the feeling it was just her. The only part I had a difficult time with was remembering to talk to her like she was a boy.

Since Tamaki was my ride back to his house and I knew he'd flip out if he didn't see me at the Host Club meeting. So I went. I sat in the back and did my history homework, and I had just started reading a book from my literature class when the twins slid up to me, their arms behind their backs. "So, what are you reading?"

I looked up at them, glad for the distraction from the dull book. "_Great Expectations_," I answered. "I'm behind since you guys started it already in class."

"We're not that far," Kaoru informed me. He had a gleam in his eyes that I found unsettling. Hikaru, too. "So, Samayu, how do you feel about cosplay?"

I stared at the western attire they had donned for the day, outfits that looked directly out of an American Wild West cowboy movie, and shrugged. "I don't know. You guys look fine, I guess."

"As much as we appreciate the compliment, we weren't talking about us," Hikaru grinned. "We just so happen to think that you look exactly like the cosplaying type of girl." He grinned and the twins showed me what they had hidden behind their backs. Hikaru was holding a mini-dress made of what looked like leather with a mess of tassels and small blue stones sewn into the collar, and Kaoru had a very decorated cowboy hat and a pair of impressively ornate cowboy boots.

"No thank you," I said, balking at the idea.

Hikaru grinned. "Now, you see, we can completely respect that you're not into this sort of thing, but unfortunately for you—"

"—we're under strict orders from Milord. Have at her!"

I turned, horrified, to see who they were summoning, and found myself whisked away by two women, identical, in traditional maid attire. "Miss Yojin," they greeted me as the world passed in a blur. I think we were headed for a back room. "Let's get you dressed!"

"What?! No!"

I was shoved into a back room where I was immediately relieved of my clothes. I was struggling as hard as I could against them, having hideous flashbacks of Raito tearing my clothes off my body, and then they stuffed me into the cosplay outfit the twins had shown me and set me loose in the clubroom. I was red with both anger and embarrassment. This was not what I wanted to be doing with my time. I mean, what on earth was I supposed to do now that I was in a costume? Entertain? I think not! Besides, the whole point of a host club is for the guys to entertain girls at Ouran. The girls do not want to be entertained by me.

The twins were back at my side within a minute. "Very nice," Hikaru said appraisingly, looking me up and down. "Milord will definitely be pleased."

"What am I supposed to do, anyway?" I mumbled, pulling the sleeves down the hide my bandaged arms. It was impossible to hide the bandages on my legs. The dress was too short for that. "It's not like I'm a host."

"Ah, but you can be," Kaoru grinned. "You see, when Milord told us you would be here today, we sent word out and I think you'd be surprised as to the turnout."

I stared at them, confused. "Turnout?" I repeated. "What is that supposed to mean?"

They pointed at a small section of the room with a couch and a small table. "Look over there," they said, and I did. My mouth dropped open. There were four boys, three first years like me and one second year, sitting on the couch, looking around with interest.

I balked. "What is going on? Why are there guys here?" I asked.

"They seemed interested in knowing you were going to be here… in a trial period as our first female host," they informed me, getting those mischievous looks to their eyes that I took note to be afraid of for the future.

"You're joking," I said at once, denial taking over every part of my body. I was trying to back away, though the twins kept pulling me forward. "I'm not a host! Whose idea was this, anyway?! I don't know how to entertain a group of guys!"

"Actually, it was Kyoya's idea," Hikaru told me.

"We were all surprised. I suppose he just couldn't pass up this opportunity to earn some extra money for the club," Kaoru said. "He's been mumbling for a while now that Tamaki being gone all the time is hurting the club's revenue."

So, it was a way for Kyoya to make me pay for keeping Tamaki away from the club, earn money for the club's bank account, and watch me squirm all at the same time. I'm sure he was very pleased with himself.

"Milord certainly was enthusiastic about it," Hikaru added. "Something about getting you out of your comfort zone and into the real world."

I snorted, amused by the pure absurdity of it all. "The real world?" I asked skeptically, gesturing towards our outfits. "As if!"

"Just talk to them! Answer their questions. Ask them questions!" Kaoru advised. "They showed up, didn't they? They'll probably be vying for your attention. I know they think you're cute from the way they reacted to the news this morning. Talk to them individually and you'll have them for sure!"

I groaned as they gave me a final shove forward, and I stumbled in front of the couch where the boys awaited my audience. One of the first-years, a plain looking boy in Class B, blushed when he saw my outfit, and the other three stared at me as though they were mesmerized.

I blushed as well, biting my lip as I tentatively came forward and seated myself on the couch amongst the boys. "So, um… hi," I said.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_Even with my awful opening line, things did go pretty smoothly. The guys were all more than happy to talk to me and I babbled about nonsensical things like the zoo (nixing the fact that I had gone there with Tamaki) and my artwork, and listened to their accounts about different sports they were involved in or the academic competition one of them had recently participated in (another of the first years – a boy in my class who I had not noticed before). They joked around with me and told me how good I looked in the cowgirl cosplay. The second year was particularly interested in flirting with me, making me laugh. He wasn't bad looking either, but since I can't even remember his name I know there isn't anything romantic developing between us whatsoever._

* * *

**~Tamaki~**

Tamaki watched Samayu intently whenever he could throughout the host club meeting, though stolen glances at her were few. Kyoya, adamant that Tamaki should make up for every meeting their club's king had missed, was throwing threatening glances at Tamaki every couple of minutes, and Tamaki concentrated extra-hard on being winsome for his guests. He had twice as many as usual to concentrate on, too.

During a short break between clients, the twins snuck up behind him. "So, Milord—"

"—What do you think of Samayu's performance?"

Tamaki glanced back at Samayu and her small audience of boys. She was laughing at something the boy in his class had just said to her. It was so good to see her happy, for once. "She seems to be doing very well," Tamaki commented. "Kyoya will be thrilled. Just look at her… she's so cute!"

The twins looked at each other and Hikaru cleared his throat. "So, Milord, we were curious."

"Just what is going on between you and Samayu? What's your relationship?" Kaoru asked. "You've been spending an awful lot of time with her, you know."

Tamaki froze. He had, not once, thought about that before. He didn't know. He was very protective of her. As a matter of fact, the entire time she was with those boys he was adamant that if any of them should hurt her in any way, he'd ruin them. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted to be around her. He could see all the good things about her beneath her hostile demeanor. Because, despite the walls she put up, Samayu was a very frightened, unsure individual who simply didn't know how to convey her feelings and wanted acceptance more than anything.

Of course! It was so obvious! She was as precious to him as family, so logic served – "She's like a daughter to me," Tamaki declared, proud of himself for pinpointing it.

The twins stared at him and burst into loud, enthusiastic fits of laughter.

"Daughter! Oh, that's rich!"

"Exactly what we said! He said exactly what we said he would!"

"What's so funny, you idiots? STOP LAUGHING AT ME!"

* * *

**~Samayu~**

After those boys left for various club meetings about an hour later, I leaned back on the couch and let out a long sigh of relief. It's not as though I had been eager for them to leave – because honestly, I was kind of enjoying myself – but I was relieved that it had gone so well. The host club boys still had lingering guests, and I felt safe to slip back to the chair I had originally set up shop in and retrieve my literature book when someone scared the bajeezus out of me by eagerly shouting behind me, "Samu-chan, Samu-chan! Come and have a piece of cake with me, 'kay?!"

Hunny, of course. I whirled around as my heart rate decelerated. Mori and Hunny stood behind me, Mori looking ever the stoic and Hunny hugging his stuffed rabbit and sitting atop Mori's shoulders, beaming. It took me all of two seconds to respond. "What kind are we having?"

I had earned it, I figured.

Hunny grinned and leapt off Mori's shoulders. "There's chocolate or strawberry or lemon or red velvet—"

I laughed and stopped him there. "Strawberry sounds awesome, Hunny."

"Yay!" he beamed and handed me his rabbit. "Hold Usa-chan for me while I go get some!" I took the rabbit gladly and he scurried off.

Watching him go, I said to Mori, "He's really the oldest one in the club?"

"Yeah," Mori said simply, nodding once.

I smiled and found a chair at one of the tables, hugging Hunny's rabbit and thinking about the boys I had entertained. It really was shocking that I had enjoyed myself so much.

"Um… Samayu?" a girl's voice said from behind me.

I turned to see a girl in my class sanding there, staring at her feet and entirely red with embarrassment. It dawned on me that she was one of the girls who had been there when I was locked in the closet. Not the ringleader, but one of the sidekicks. I put my guard up. "Uh-huh?"

"I, um, well… I wanted to say… you look really good," she finally choked out.

I stared at her. That was the last thing I had expected. "Thank you."

We stared at each other for a solid minute and a half before she spoke again. "I'm sorry about the closet."

And then she whirled around and high tailed it out of the room like Hell was nipping at her heels. I stared after her, completely floored. I was proven wrong by my previous thought. _That_ was the last thing I had expected from her.

"You look happy," a detached voice commented from the opposite direction. I looked over at Kyoya.

Now I _really_ had to be on my guard. "What do you want?"

"Just to extend my congratulations on a job well done today. Even I did not expect so much from you at your first try hosting." He smiled at me, a look that told me while he still didn't particularly enjoy my company, he loved the money I had brought the club. "That blonde idiot over there—" he nodded towards Tamaki, who was wrapping up his audience with three girls "—has asked me to attempt to make peace with you. Answer one question for me first, however. Is it true you do not want anything to do with Raito Mitsurugi's company?"

"Not a thing," I confirmed. I didn't know why that was so important to him. Ootori Group was so much bigger than Raito's. Not like my stepfather's business was a threat to his family's.

Kyoya smirked and he jotted something down into the little black book in his hands. "You're a fool. Always take what you can when you can."

My eyes narrowed inadvertently. "Excuse me?"

"However – seeing as how you have no interest in contributing to the future of Mitsurugi Group, I see no reason that the two of us cannot coexist," Kyoya finished, leaving me floored once more. He pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose and turned away. "Keep up the good work," he added before he walked away.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I didn't have time to be amazed for long, however. Hunny returned with two plates of cake and plopped them down on the table along with two forks, relieved me of his rabbit, and seated himself. He asked me about whether or not I liked cute things like rabbits while he scarfed down his cake, most of the time speaking with his mouth full, and I admitted, yes, I do like cute things and told him about my stuffed animals. I promised I would bring Nimblefoot along one day so he could meet him. I was only through half my cake when Tamaki came over and asked if I was ready to go home. Hunny offered to finish my cake for me, and since I could tell he really wanted to, I let him have it and stood up._

_It took a while for me to get changed out of the cowgirl dress and back into my uniform. I asked the twins once I emerged from the back room what to do with the cosplay, and they said to keep it, so I did. I would have enough costumes to stock a Halloween store if I was going to be forced to stick with this club until I graduated. Strangely enough, I didn't mind._

* * *

"So, what do you think?" Tamaki asked as we drove back to his mansion.

"Think about what?"

"The club! Being a member! You looked like you were enjoying yourself," Tamaki said. I could tell he really wanted me to be a part of his club.

Even crazier; I really wanted to be a part of his club.

"I liked it a lot. I'm even excited for tomorrow," I admitted, and Tamaki grinned.

* * *

**Fin! I got it done! I am so excited!**

**And so, with that, Samayu is an official member of the Host Club! Yay!**

**You may notice I've had the twins addressing Tamaki as **_**Milord**_** instead of **_**Boss**_**. I changed this because that's what they call him in the manga. I hope you don't mind!**

**So, what do you guys think about it? Samayu's changing a little bit (for the better, I should hope) and Tamaki's an idiot, per usual. Sorry to be so generic and have him declare Samayu his daughter, but it really is very him, if you know what I mean. Review! Message me! Give me your feedback! Seriously!**

**I kind of want… hm… let's say, seven more reviews before I post Chapter 27. Make it happen, people!**

**Teehee. Love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	27. Swingset of Disorient

**And so we arrive at chapter 27. Goodness, you guys, I never in a decade would have thought I'd stick with such a long fanfiction. I started it all the way back in May! I've started a **_**Phantom of the Opera**_** fic, which may not have been the most intelligent thing with all the other fics I need to update, but… anyway, you should check it out. (Its title is **_**The Man Behind The Monster**_** =3).**

**Ah, imagination… I have too much! Keeps me busy… anyway, enjoy this chapter!**

**Disclaimer: You guessed it. Nada.**

* * *

Diary excerpt

_Two weeks have passed since my mom kicked me out of the house and I joined the Host Club. I'm different. Happier. Some of the girls at school still aren't very nice to me, but I definitely feel like I'm fitting in better. A lot of girls only talk to me to try to hear secrets about the guys, but I haven't given them anything. Like I really need Kyoya on my case for giving something confidential away. No thank you._

_I have six regular customers. Three of them are the guys who were a part of my first audience as a host, including the second year who persists in hitting on me. The other three consist of two more first years and a third year. The third year guy seems disconnected, like I was for the longest time. He doesn't talk a whole lot, but he listens intently to everything._

_Tamaki's been great. Sometimes he's annoying as hell, but overall… you know. He tries to hold me to that suicide watch thing and be with me at all times, even when I'm asleep, but usually I just wait for him to fall asleep and relocate to a different room for some privacy. He's taken to referring to himself as "Daddy" or "Papa." I'll be darned if I know what that's about._

_I haven't cut in two and a half weeks. The scars on my arms are fading into white lines. Sometimes I really miss the blade, but I've found that I don't really need it._

_It's possible to live. And to be happy._

* * *

"Samayu, come on!" Kaoru called to me. "We're about to open the doors and it looks like a couple new guys showed up for you today!"

"Stop writing in that journal thing of yours and let's do this thing!" Hikaru grinned, waving me over.

"Coming! Don't throw a fit!" I smiled, dropping my pen and snapping my journal shut. I threw it onto the small circular table in front of me and went over to the twins. There was no cosplay today. We wore our school uniforms. "How many do I have today that you saw?"

"Looks like nine," Hikaru said. "But we'll find out soon enough. Tamaki's opening the doors to our guests right now."

"Welcome!" I heard Tamaki's voice greeting girls flooding into Music Room 3.

"Duty calls," Kaoru grinned, winking at me. "Knock 'em dead!"

As I proceeded to my usual spot near one of the room's many windows, one of the girls who visits Mori on almost a daily basis called over to me. "Samayu! You curled your hair; it's really cute!"

My cheeks turned pink. "Thanks," I smiled back at her. I wasn't used to the attention I was getting quite yet, but I was dealing with it a whole lot better than I was a week ago. It all seemed so surreal. I kept thinking I was going to wake up from a wonderful dream or something.

The meeting was all right. I let the new guys talk about themselves, though it seemed only one of them wanted to be there. I got the impression the other one had been dragged here against his will, but he seemed to start enjoying himself. I tried to talk to him a lot.

Two hours went by easily, and we said farewell to our guests. I split a piece of cake with Honey – by which I mean I had two bites and Honey ate the rest – and remembered I had trigonometry homework to do. I looked around for Tamaki so I could tell him I was ready to go – and froze.

He was standing in the corner next to the chair I had been curled up in before the meeting with a book open in his hands. And not just any book.

My journal.

I panicked. "What the hell do you think you're _doing_!?" I shrieked, hurling myself out of my chair and barreling into him so hard both of us went toppling to the ground. I wrestled the journal out of his hands and scrambled backwards, breathing heavily.

"Ow!" Tamaki groaned, sitting up and grimacing. "What was that for?"

"You don't touch this!" I yelled, furious tears welling up in my eyes as I indicated the journal in my hands and snatched up my bag. "You don't _ever _touch this!"

"Samayu, I… I'm sorry, I didn't… I didn't mean," Tamaki started, staring at me with wide eyes. "I didn't know it was your…"

"Don't," I whispered, shaking my head angrily and retreating. Not known?! I'd shown it to him before! He'd read pieces I carefully selected for him to see! Not _known_?! Was he that stupid?! "Just don't."

I turned around and fled.

Who did he think he was?! My journal. My diary! My innermost thoughts, my darkest secrets, _everything_ was in here! He couldn't know! He couldn't! Oh, god, what had he seen?! Did he know?

I was outside the school before I'd realized what I was doing and stopped, collapsing against the side of the school and sliding to the ground, sobbing. An epiphany was crashing around me too horribly. My diary held who I really was. And I wasn't this. I wasn't a happy person who liked entertaining guys, flirting with them. I was a dark person, a cutter and a rape victim with too many secrets. I didn't want to be that person, but I was.

I don't know how long I sat there on the ground, but I finally realized I had to move. Move away from this spot and move on with my life. I knew for sure I couldn't stay at Tamaki's mansion anymore. I felt… guilty about intruding on his life, in his home. And the more time I spent around him, the more my chest started to ache.

But I couldn't go home, either. My mom had kicked me out, and I knew that it would take a miracle for her to rescind my banishment. In the end, I went out into the street, hailed a taxi, and called a real estate agent and moving company.

* * *

My afternoon consisted of looking at four houses, each large by commoner standards but very small to me. I had lived in mansions my whole life. But, I was going to be living alone from now on, and I didn't need dozens of empty rooms. I ended up buying a large house on the outskirts of the city with a fully functioning kitchen, an impressively-sized master bedroom, a living room, a laundry room, a remarkable loft, and about eight spare rooms I could do whatever I wanted with.

Money makes things happen.

I went back to my family's mansion for the first time in two weeks, shaking the entire time, but neither Mom nor Raito was home. I instructed the moving company to remove everything that was mine except for my bed (since it was too big for my new bedroom) out of my room, and then everything in my art studio. I gave them my new address and off they went. I got my car, which I hadn't seen since I was kicked out, and went on my way.

I bought everything I would need for a kitchen – tools and plates and silverware and pots and pans and spatulas and a blender and an electric mixer – as well as food. I purchased a washing and drying machine, a computer and a laptop, and a couple of televisions. I bought a couple of leather couches and some armchairs, and a four-person dining set with a table and chairs. They were transported to my home and unloaded along with boxes upon boxes of my other things.

"Thanks," I repeated over and over to the movers as they filed out of my house after unloading the last box. I paid them and they left. The people who shipped my electronics over set up the computer, the washer and dryer, and both televisions – one in my new living room and one in the room I had chosen for my study.

By the time all the boxes had been unloaded and everyone I had hired was paid and had departed, all that was set up were my electronics and my bed.

I sat down on the floor and looked around. I had boxes upon boxes to deal with. I should probably have started on some of those, but it was all just too overwhelming. I couldn't start unpacking my life. Somehow, that would seem like unraveling it.

Instead, I went in search of the boxes that contained my library. There was a new book I had gotten last month that I had never finished, due to my life sort of blowing up, and I wanted to see how it ended. I found it in the first box of books I looked in. Satisfied, I sprawled myself out on the floor and flipped it open. A folded piece of paper fell out. Odd. I didn't remember putting a bookmark inside of it.

Curious, I picked up the paper and opened it. My blood ran cold.

_Dear Samayu_, it read. _Your mother informed me of your recent suicide attempt. I have to say I am very disappointed in you. Don't you know the trouble you've caused_?

By not dying, he meant? Shuddering, I continued reading the message.

_Rest assured; I am doing everything in my power to persuade your mother to let you back into the family mansion. I have no doubt you'll return for this book and your many others. When you have been reinstated, we will discuss your transgressions in further detail. – Raito_

Instead of fear, anger swelled inside of me and I tore the note in half, smashed it into a ball, and threw it across the room. Who the hell did he think he was?! _My_ transgressions?! _Mine_?! That bastard had tried to kill me! The only _transgression_ I'd committed against him was not dying like he wanted me to! Damn it, he made me mad!

I almost considered throwing the book across the room as well, but then how would I be able to finish the story? I sighed and scowled at the book, as though it were the book's fault Raito had stuck a letter into it. I found the page I had stopped reading on, or close enough to it, and delved into the story. It came back to me as I read. The main character was an idiot, unable to see so many things about herself and others, and it was plainly a love story between her and a boy who I couldn't see any appeal in. She was ignorant that she loved him and he was ignorant that he loved her; your typical bad romance. And yet I was strangely captivated.

Right up to the point where the main character consulted a friend, who deduced she was, in fact, in love.

I almost screamed. It couldn't be true. No. No way. That wasn't love, what they were describing. It couldn't be.

"_My heart hurts whenever I'm around him_," the main character told her friend tearfully. I reread the words a good six times to make sure I was, in fact, reading them correctly. "_Whenever he smiles, I feel so happy, but sad too, like my heart is going to explode just seeing his smile. Whenever he talks, even if he's on the other side of the room, I hear his voice over everyone else's. I don't know what's happening to me! Am I sick_?!"

I dropped the book.

Oh.

My.

God.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't hear or see or feel or anything at all. I simply picked myself up, grabbed a jacket, and marched outside me house into the wintry air. It had begun to snow while I was inside reading my book and the temperature turned frigid. But I couldn't sit still. I had to move. I had to breathe. I had to think.

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt my chest aching. I only ever noticed it around Tamaki, but even thinking about him now, my heart hurt. It raced. I had seen him smile so many times over the course of the last two weeks, and it had made me happy seeing him happy, and my heart felt like it would burst from the sheer agony of knowing he was so far outside my reach. And God knows I can always hear his voice. Always. I could pick it out of a crowd from a mile away.

I mean, in the past couple of weeks I have been so drawn to him that it has reached a point that it hurts to even look at him.

I rounded a street corner and came upon a children's park, slowly being covered by a blanket of snow. Without thinking too much, I headed for the swing set. I dusted snow off of one of them and sat down, rubbing my hands together. There was only one logical explanation.

_No! Maybe not_! I argued with myself, desperate to deny what I knew in the back of my mind, in the depths of my heart, was true. _I really could be sick! Or… I don't know, having some allergic reaction to… him_.

Why deny what was true?

Frustrated, I began to pump my legs back and forth, propelling the swing backward, forward, up, down.

Forward. _You love him._

Back. _No, I don't!_

Up. _Of course you do._

Down. _No, I really don't!_

To. _You're such a liar. You love him._

Fro. _I'm not! I'm not in love with him!_

And so it went. I loved him. I didn't love him. I did. I didn't. It was like the childish game of plucking petals off of a flower, except there was no end to a swing like there was to a flower. With flower petals you will eventually be forced to stop arguing with yourself because you run out of petals. There is one winner. A swing set has no definitive end. You swing your legs back and forth until you get bored or too tired to continue. I alone held the power to end this game. I alone could choose.

So when would I decide to desist? Which would be my final answer – love him or don't love him?

I couldn't choose. I swung until my legs finally couldn't swing anymore and I hung limply on the swing, waiting for my momentum to decrease until my toes drug the ground and I finally came to rest at a moment when I would be swinging back towards the sky.

The motion that championed the issue of loving him after all, and the motion that was the champion.

But I still couldn't accept it.

And in the end I went home with clothes that were soaked through, my hair sopping, and my cheeks pink and damp. I still had not accepted anything, still had not decided. I stripped off my jacket and kicked off my shoes. I looked at the clock and gasped.

I had spent two hours on that swing. Two fucking hours. How could I still not have an answer? How?

I more or less tore my clothes off and threw on a clean shirt found in one of my boxes. Who cared about putting on pajama pants or anything? I was alone.

It wasn't until I locked the front door with trembling hands that I realized I was crying tears of pure frustration. I just couldn't handle being awake anymore. I needed to sleep. Sleep was a relief from life. Dreams were respite from reality.

My hair was still wet and cold, but I didn't care. I unearthed a thin blanket and pillow in my mass of boxes and threw myself onto my uncovered mattress in my new bedroom with white walls uninterrupted by anything but windows, and slept before I could think of anything else.

* * *

**Fin! I released this on Saturday because I feel bad about not updating last Sunday. I might not be able to update this Sunday either because I have a super duper important senior paper due on Friday which counts for half of my grade in two different classes and I only have one of eight pages written thus far. I don't know why I chose to write a paper about Intelligent Design versus Evolution, because it is turning into more of a thesis on Progressive Creationism. UUUUGGGGHHHH. Wish me luck! I need a lot of it!**

**Anyway, REVIEW! This story is drawing to a close and we are in the most crucial moments here, people! I need your feedback like a tree needs sunlight or my father needs his diet mountain dew in the morning!**

**I love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	28. Ummm Beary's Not Going To Help Me

**I don't have the energy to write an intro. Here's Chapter 28, enjoy, and I own nothing.**

* * *

I did not feel good when I woke up the next morning. Staying in the snow on that infernal swing set for a good two hours had been the stupidest thing I'd ever done in my life. Maybe I should stay home. I had unpacking to do. The loft was going to make an incredible studio. My bedroom was in horrible disarray. I had to set up my library and call someone to arrange my electronics so that I could use them. I had to learn how to cook and how to do laundry…

But if I didn't go to school, Tamaki would freak out even more. I had shut the sound on my phone off last night just after calling the movers and not given it a thought since, but when I looked at it I saw that I had 58 missed calls from him. I groaned. He'd probably spontaneously combust if I didn't show up. I got out of bed and went to the shower, taking a cool and quick one – I had a fever, damn it – and dried my hair fast before I threw on my version of the uniform and left my newly purchased house in my car. I had a bad headache and was trying to stifle coughs.

* * *

I didn't even see Tamaki until after school in the club room, when the twins forced me into some Indian princess costume – I assumed the clothes actually were from India, so I could hardly call it cosplay – complete with bindi and set me loose into the throng of the Host Club. Things were weird ever since they'd had me become a member, and weirder still now that I'd accepted my involvement in the club wasn't _me_. I entertained my guests half-heartedly, though I can't say whether that was the epiphany or the fever taking its toll, and they all left early because I asked them to, explaining that I was ill, leaving me in peace with well wishes to feel better soon.

The minute Tamaki's customers were distracted, he rushed over to me, ignorant of how crappy I was feeling already. "Samayu! Where have you been?! Didn't you get any of my texts? My calls? You scared me half to death! Where on earth were you all night?"

I stared at my feet and shifted my weight uncomfortably. I wished my heart would stop trying to crawl out of my throat. I still couldn't look at him – especially after my big, awful realization last night that I had spent two hours in the freezing cold mulling over. "Well, you see, um… I bought a house." I almost started coughing again, but managed to swallow down the feeling.

"A house?" He was very plainly taken aback. "Really?"

"Yeah. It's not very big, but it's the only thing I could think of. I can't… intrude on your life anymore," I mumbled. "And seeing as how I can't go home, I just got a place of my own. I'll have to live like a commoner for a while, but it's okay. I have plenty of money for art supplies, and since that's all that really matters…" I trailed off.

"…I didn't mind that you were staying at my house. And wait – you're supposed to be on suicide watch!"

"I don't have any plans to kill myself. As a matter of fact, I haven't even cut in over two weeks. I'm fine. I promise." Fine as far as that went, at least. My head was pounding and my fever raging. And my chest was hurting, of course. It was like I couldn't breathe. "Anyway, is there anything you want me to do? Because if I don't have to be here, I have a lot of unpacking to do."

"Um… I guess not," he said, staring at me contemplatively. "Are you feeling okay? You don't seem like yourself."

"What?! No, I'm fine!" I exclaimed, backing away and turning red with embarrassment. I was so self-conscious around him now. Especially now, since I read that stupid book and figured out that I might be in love with him.

"Are you sure? Do you have a fever?" he asked, and before I could figure out what he was doing, his hands were on my cheeks and his forehead was pressed against mine. His eyes went wide and he released me at once, immediately going into panic mode. "You're burning up! And your face is all red! Kyoya! Call an ambulance!"

"Don't do that! I'm fine!" I exclaimed, turning red with embarrassment rather than fever and deciding I should high-tail it out of there now, while there was still time for me to do so.

"It's okay, Samayu! Daddy will come with you!"

There was that weird _Daddy_ reference thing that he had going on again. Not only did it aggravate me, it made me feel awful. "No! I'm just going to go home and get some rest, okay! Don't worry about it!"

And yet he persisted in chasing me around the room, holding out his stuffed bear like an offering and, as though he thought it would help, exclaiming, "Samayu! I know you're scared to see the doctor, but you can hold Beary in the hospital!"

"Just leave me alone! I'm fine!" I yelled, rushing into the back room where Tamaki couldn't follow. The minute I slammed the door behind me I broke out into ragged coughs that I could only thank the powers that be hadn't escaped in front of Tamaki. He would have never let me go if he knew I had more than a fever.

* * *

Once I was at home and in my ratty sweats and a tank top, I took a couple of aspirin and sat down with my boxes, trying to remember which ones held my books. I would start by setting up my library, I had decided. The movers had already put the bookshelves in the room I'd chosen for it, and all I had to do was stock them. I found my books and did so, and by then, completely exhausted, I went into my new bedroom, picked Nimblefoot up off a box and hugged him to my chest, collapsed onto the bed, and slept without dreams.

* * *

I felt worse the next day, but I still had school and I didn't want to skip. I had a chemistry test that day. So I sucked it up, wrapped a scarf around my neck, put on a facemask, stuffed my pockets with tissues, and drove to school. Anyone at all could tell I was sick. Even if I hadn't been wearing the facemask, or wearing the facemask most of the time because I was still coughing, it would be too apparent. My voice was stuffy, for one thing, my eyes were watering, and my nose was red. Add that to the fever and coughs and the occasional sneeze, and I was pretty much miserable.

Haruhi and the twins greeted me in the halls, and the twins were less than sympathetic.

"You look bad," Hikaru informed me, playing with the fringe on my scarf.

Kaoru agreed with his brother. "What did you do, spend the night in Antarctica?" he asked, making sure to stay a safe distance away from me.

I shook my head and sniffled. "I just caught a cold. I got a little… caught up thinking the other night in the snow and I guess I waited too long to dry off. And last night I set up my library instead of sleeping…"

"Don't you think you should go home?" Haruhi asked. "I mean, you don't want to compromise your health any more by staying at school."

"Hey!" a new voice called from down the hall. I suppressed a groan. That voice was all too familiar. Tamaki came running up to join our conversation. "So, what are you guys all up to this— Samayu?! What on earth happened to you?!" He was staring at me with his mouth agape and concern in his eyes. My heart felt like it was trying to break free through my ribcage.

"I've got a cold," I mumbled, lowering my head as the familiar embarrassment and chest pain that came with seeing him inundated my senses. I let out a small cough and decided I couldn't stay at school. I turned to Haruhi and said in a muffled voice, "I think you're right. I should probably go home." I spun on my heel and began walking away, eager to distance myself from Tamaki.

"Wait!" Tamaki called urgently. "Samayu! If you feel that bad, you should really let me take you to the hospital!"

I pursed my lips. I couldn't be alone with him right now. My heart would explode, or something. "No! I'm going to the nurse's office!" I exclaimed, breaking into a run.

Why was it that even though I was racing as fast as I could away from him, Tamaki's frantic, pleading voice was still the only sound I could hear? "Samayu! Samayu, it's not scary, I promise!"

I wasn't running because I was scared to go to the hospital, strangely enough; it was because I just couldn't handle my emotions when I was around him. I couldn't handle myself when I was around him. For the first time in two weeks, I really, really missed cutting.

* * *

I ended up in the nurse's office for all of two minutes before I decided to leave. I knew it was more than likely that Tamaki or maybe even the entire Host Club would come looking for me there, and I couldn't deal with them right now. I didn't feel good enough to drive home, and I decided to try my hand at walking back to my house. It was only a couple of miles. It couldn't be too terribly hard. Haruhi walked to school and back every day, after all.

I trudged along, my limbs feeling sluggish and heavy, and about forty minutes passed before I reached the playground I had spent two hours in sitting on the swing set a couple of nights ago as the snow fell, just thinking. Why had I done something so stupid?

I needed a break. My legs felt like lead. Sighing, I sat down on a park bench and buried my face in my hands. I sort of drifted in and out of consciousness for a long time after that, unable to move. I told myself when I felt strong enough I'd keep going, but I never did feel better.

"Samayu?! Is that you?! Oh, thank God! Kaoru, I found her! It's okay!" I heard Tamaki's voice cut through my thoughts. I jolted into alertness, looking up to see Tamaki clambering out of the backseat of a sleek black car that was parked on the side of the street. He was on the phone at first, I presumed with Kaoru, but he said a rushed goodbye and hung up before he reached me.

"Tamaki?" I asked, appalled. "What are you doing here?" I almost didn't finish the question due to a sneeze, and I barely pulled my facemask down in time to sneeze into my sleeve instead. I sniffled and started fishing in my pockets for a tissue.

Tamaki had one already, and he held it up to my face and wiped at my nose with it. I blushed, feeling like a little kid. "I kept calling you to make sure you made it home okay, but you never answered. I was afraid you'd passed out at the wheel of your car and crashed or something. Why didn't you drive home?"

"My head hurts too much to concentrate," I mumbled, sniffling.

He sighed and tugged another tissue out of his pocket, handing it to me this time. "I couldn't think; I was so worried about you. So I came looking for you. The twins wanted to come along, but we can't all leave school on a whim."

"I'm sorry," I apologized, lowering my head in shame. My heart was starting to pound again. Soon my chest would start to ache.

"It's okay. Will you let me take you home?" he asked. I nodded and he placed a hand on my back and guided me to the car. I crawled into the backseat next to him and leaned my head against the window so the cool glass pressed against my cheek, and shut my eyes. I blanked for a couple of minutes, my mind was so foggy, but I slowly became aware that we were driving and began to watch where we were going. I frowned. "This isn't the way to my house…" I trailed off as a thought occurred to me. "Wait a second… how are we even going there when you don't even know my new address?"

Tamaki was pointedly silent.

"This isn't the way to my family's mansion, either…" I stopped speaking when I realized where we were going. If we kept going up this street a while, turned right, and kept going a little longer we'd be at the hospital. "No," I whispered.

"Samayu, please," Tamaki begged me. "It really isn't scary, I promise. You can still hold Beary if you want, and I'll be there—"

I knew whatever I said wasn't going to make him have the driver turn the car around, so I said nothing and waited. When the car stopped at a red light, I undid my seatbelt and scrambled out of the car.

"Samayu?! What are you doing?!"

"I'm going _home_!" I said tearfully, slamming the car door shut. I felt so betrayed. Before Tamaki had the opportunity to get out of the car and follow me, I ran away. I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to go to the hospital. I didn't want to have to deal with calming myself down enough to let a doctor take a look at me. I just wanted to go home and get some sleep. No unpacking. No organizing. Just sleep, and then I'd be okay.

* * *

Even after a good eighteen hours straight of sleep, I still didn't feel a whole lot better. When I finally woke up and realized it was five in the morning, I rolled out of bed and took some more painkillers, trudged into my disastrous living room, and sank onto the couch. It was cooler in the living room. It felt nicer than my bedroom did. I got a little more sleep, drifting in and out of dreams, before the sound of the doorbell woke me up.

I rubbed sleep out of my eyes and got off the couch. It was nine in the morning now. Who could be at the door? Not like I had called the cable guy. I trudged to the door, still rubbing my eyes, and opened it. "Hello?"

Tamaki looked a little apprehensive. "Samayu?"

I let out a startled yelp and slammed the door shut reflexively, my heart rate accelerating at once. I felt ambushed. "What are you doing here?!" I yelled through the door, my bottom lip trembling. Oh, god, I didn't want to cry.

"I'm sorry I came by unannounced," he apologized. "I just wanted to check in on you and see how you were doing. Can I come in?"

"No! I'm not even dressed! And my house is a total mess!" I exclaimed. Both were very true, but that wasn't the real reason for why I didn't want him to come into my house.

"Samayu, are you still sick?"

"I'm okay! I'll just get some more sleep and I'll be fine!" I called through the door as I began frantically opening boxes, looking for my street clothes. _Damn it_, I thought as I started coughing. What imperfect timing.

"Please, Samayu, let me take you to the hospital! I know you're scared, but it's okay! Really! Bring Nimblefoot with you and just talk to me! If we get your mind off of things, I know it'll be fine!"

I almost fell over trying to throw on a pair of jeans as fast as I possibly could. Now that he was here, insisting I let him take me to the hospital, I knew it was only a matter of time before I caved and did what he wanted. I could tell myself it was just to get him to stop begging me as much as I wanted, but I knew the real reason was because I sought to make him happy.

"If I wore an animal costume would you be less apprehensive?" he called earnestly through the door after a few moments of silence.

I couldn't repress a snicker of amusement. "I don't think so, no," I answered, throwing a sweatshirt on over my tank top. "Please, Tamaki; if you want to help me, you'll leave me alone to sleep." It was my final, desperate bid to get him to drop the whole hospital thing.

"Hear me out! There's a doctor at the Ootori Hospital that I know you'll like! She's really nice and she totally gets the whole cutting thing because she used to do it herself. I really think you wouldn't be afraid of her," he told me as I picked up Nimblefoot, hugging my stuffed horse to my chest.

I froze. Was it possible? Could I not be afraid of a doctor who would relate to me?

"Can you please just give her a chance?" Tamaki asked.

I sighed, knowing the battle was lost, and opened the door. Blushing as I stepped outside, I mumbled, "If I tell you I want to go home at any time, I mean it."

"It'll be okay, really," he said confidently as I locked my door.

"How did you find my house, anyway?"

"Kyoya told me your address. He said he pulled it out of the school records," Tamaki told me, handing me a tissue. I blew my nose and stuffed the tissue in my pocket, grimacing at how unsanitary it was but unable to put it anywhere else.

The same sleek black car – I even think the same person was driving it – as yesterday was parked in my driveway. Tamaki put a guiding hand on my back and led me up to it. I sniffled and held my stuffed horse tighter. I felt so stupid that a toy was providing me with so much comfort right now.

Tamaki opened the car door. Trying not to think too much about where we were going once I was inside, I clambered in, pulled the seatbelt across my chest and buckled it. My hands were shaking. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and curled my knees into my chest, burying my face in Nimblefoot's fake fur.

I felt a gentle hand on my leg and looked up into Tamaki's violet eyes. He had just gotten in the car. My heart skipped a beat. I waited for my chest to start hurting, but it didn't. "Are you all right?" he asked softly.

I bit my lip and started wiping at my eyes. Damn it, I really hadn't wanted to start crying. "I… I'm fine," I finally said unsteadily. It was so obvious that I wasn't. The lie was laughable.

Tamaki reached over and unbuckled my seatbelt. "Come here," he said quietly, patting the spot in the center of the backseat. I realized immediately what his intentions were. A month ago I would never have followed those instructions. I would have stayed put and wallowed in my misery and fear by myself.

But dear God, I love this boy. And even if he doesn't ever love me back, I'm going to take what I can get when I can. So I slid over and redid my seatbelt, hugging Nimblefoot tight against me as Tamaki wrapped an arm around me and let me cry into his shoulder.

He ran his fingers through my hair. "It's going to be okay," he whispered soothingly. "I promise. I won't let anything bad happen to you."

No more words were said during the drive to the hospital. I was terrified. But… I was okay with being that way, as long as I knew what Tamaki had told me was true. It was so sappy, words straight from a romance novel or a shojo manga, but I knew that for the rest of my life I would never forget the way he told me that he wasn't going to let anything bad happen to me.

* * *

**Fin! It's short, and I apologize, but I wrote this is a whopping one and a half hours… I got my research paper in on time – I am so happy it is OVER – and this morning I worked as a face painter at a birthday party for fifth graders. Made thirty bucks, so I'm pretty content. I'm still obsessed with Phantom of the Opera. It's kind of like the Sweeney Todd obsession of two months ago, except I can't exactly sing this music because I'm an alto, not a soprano.**

**As soon as Les Mis comes out, I know Imma be singing those songs nonstop…**

**I lead a life of obsessions with weird things. XD**

**So, anyway, I love you all and REVIEW! Please!**

**Phantom, out!**


	29. Too White, Too Quiet, and Too Cold

**I am literally much too exhausted to think of a proper introduction. So instead I'll just tell you all that I saw Les Mis this week, it was incredible, and you should take some time out of one of your days this week to go see it, if you haven't already. All I can think about is how and when I can go again.**

**Anyway, enjoy Chapter 29.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nada. Rien. Ingenting. Ei mitään. Niente. Niets. Nihil.**

**(That was the word **_**nothing**_** in the following languages, respectively: English, Spanish (and Portuguese), French, Swedish, Finnish, Italian, Dutch, Latin.)**

* * *

"I feel sick," I gasped as we sat in the waiting room of Ootori Hospital, holding my head in my hands as I trembled. My back was to the door that led to the hallway that led to examining rooms; I tried not to think too hard about that. Tamaki and I had taken one of the three seats in the waiting room that could fit two people, and the feel of my hand in his was the only thing keeping me from making a break for it. I was clutching Nimblefoot so tightly to my chest that I was almost afraid I would force all the stuffing out of him.

He wrapped his arm around me, keeping my hand tightly in his. "I know you do, Samayu," he said soothingly. "It'll be okay."

"No, you don't understand," I whispered tremulously. "I mean _sick_, Tamaki. Like, _scared out of my mind_ sick. Nothing to do with the cold."

He squeezed my hand. "Don't think about it. Talk to me. Tell me about your house."

I breathed in deeply. "It's smaller than any place I've ever lived in. Big by commoner standards, I guess, but it seems small to me. It has a loft I'm going to use as my art studio. It has a lot of windows. My art is all there but still boxed up. The only room I've set up completely is my library. I have 374 books. I counted them when I was putting them in the shelves. I have books in both English and Japanese. They're arranged by language and then alphabetically by title."

"What's your favorite one?" Tamaki interrupted me. I knew he was just trying to keep me talking. I was grateful for that.

"It's in English," I told him. "It's about a girl with lung cancer who falls in love with a boy with osteosarcoma. Bone cancer," I elaborated when he stared blankly at me. "The girl is always very up front and morbidly hilarious about her cancer and the characters are all so relatable. I've never laughed or cried so hard at a book before."

Tamaki smiled. "Are there any translations? French or Japanese? I think I'd like to read this book."

"Not yet, I don't think," I replied. "But maybe I could—"

"Samayu Yojin?" a nurse called from behind us. I froze.

Tamaki stood up but didn't let go of my hand. He tried pulling me up, but I was like dead weight. I couldn't move. Tamaki looked up at the person who had called my name – I didn't turn my head to look – and said, "Just give us a second."

He knelt in front of me. I stared down at my lap, tears of fright welling up in my eyes. It was coming. A doctor – a doctor like Raito was, oh, God – would be touching me when I didn't want them to. "Samayu," Tamaki said softly. "Samayu, look at me."

When I didn't, he cupped my chin in his fingers and lifted my face. "It's all okay. Trust me. You're going to be fine, it's all going to be fine. Samayu."

I swallowed hard. "I… I'm really… scared," I whispered at last.

"And I am not going to let anything hurt you. Remember?" Tamaki reminded me. "It's just a checkup. That's it. You can do that, can't you?"

My heart was going to explode. "I…"

He leaned in until our lips were a mere inch apart. "If you don't get up, I'll have to carry you there," he smiled.

I blushed. "You're being mean."

"Come on," he said, pulling me to my feet. He put his arm around my waist and led me to the door, held ajar by the nurse who had called my name. She smiled at us as we went through it to the hall. "You'll be in room six, dear."

"Thank you," Tamaki said. My voice didn't seem to be working anymore, and I just stared at her. He kept me moving, pulling me forward with him until we reached an open door and crossed into it.

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_The first thing I took note of was that the room was much, much too white. Would painting a room blue or green or something kill them? It's not like having a room that wasn't white would be unsterile or anything. It would make me feel a Hell of a lot better._

_And the smell almost made me vomit. Formaldehyde and antiseptic. And latex. Three of the most nauseating smells in the whole fucking world all dwelling together in harmonious chaos inside a room that nauseated me. I felt like I was going to be tangibly sick all over the floor. The smell made the room taste like metal in the back of my mouth._

_The room was eerily quiet. The atmosphere made me feel like someone had died just down the hall, like we were supposed to be totally quiet out of respect for the dead, or something. It just made me feel worse._

_It was cold. I don't know why hospitals are always so cold. They need carpets to generate some heat of friction or something, and desperately to crank down the air conditioning and turn up the heat. I mean, I had a fever and I was shivering. That says something._

* * *

I took one look at the examination table and gagged, sitting down in one of the chairs instead and burying my face in my knees. "I've seriously changed my mind. Take me home."

"Samayu, it's okay," Tamaki tried to reassure me. I felt his arm wrap around me again.

"No, Tamaki. I am sick and terrified and I want to go home. I will do whatever you want, okay? I will sleep until next week. I will inhale an entire pot of chicken noodle soup. I will do _anything_ just as long as you get me out of here _now_. It's a _cold_—" I paused when a coughing fit overtook me, and then finished feebly, "There is no cure for a cold."

"I'm not so sure about that," Tamaki muttered.

I lifted my head just enough to look at him. "Why do you say that?" I knew what I was talking about when I said there was no cure for a cold. If it existed, I'd have gotten it by now, believe me.

He elaborated for me, "Colds don't usually involve coughing or nausea. And your fever should have subsided at least a little by now. I'm worried you might have the flu again. Does your head hurt?"

"Um, yes?" I said, looking at him like I couldn't believe he'd just asked that. Of course my head hurt. Since when was he qualified to diagnose what I had, anyway?

Tamaki smiled, knowing he had my attention. He indicated Nimblefoot, still clutched tightly in my hands. "Where did you get that stuffed horse, anyway?"

It took a while to remember exactly when. "It was a birthday present from my dad for my twelfth birthday. I've always loved horses. But ever since Maika… you know," I swallowed back a lump in my throat, unable to say the word _died_, even though that's exactly what my little sister had done. "I can't be around real ones. It reminds me too much of the ranch it happened on. We sold it and the horses after it happened of course, but still… so, Dad got me this one, and I named him after a horse in an old American book about two horses. It was either the name Nimblefoot or Gypsy."

Tamaki chuckled. "Nimblefoot does have a nice ring to it," he agreed. "Do you ever paint horses?"

"I used to. It got monotonous."

"What do you paint now?"

"People, mostly. I can't get the proportions right most of the time, but there's an eerie sort of quality to them when they're asymmetrical that I like. I like scenery a lot. Dark, light, a maze or a room, a garden or a beach. Everything's important in a painting." I stopped to clear my throat and cough a little.

"I want to see more of your pieces. You really sound like you know what you're talking about," Tamaki smiled, taking my hand and tracing the lines on my palm. It set my skin to tingling. "I had the portrait you did of me framed. I don't quite know where to hang it, though. I thought I might even give it to my father for his birthday."

My turn to laugh. "You think he'd want it?"

"You don't know my father," Tamaki said seriously. "His goal in life is to dote on me and make me as uncomfortable as is humanly possible. He'd love any gift I gave him, even socks."

"Don't knock the socks," I grinned, laughing a bit more. "Socks are a very practical gift." I smiled nostalgically. "But I get it. My dad was like that, too. I loved all the attention."

"Oh, shoot! Sorry, I didn't mean to—!"

"I know," I said. "It's okay. I like talking about him like this. The good stuff that nobody mentions because it wasn't part of his legacy or other crap like that. That was all anyone talked about after he died. His legacy and his contribution to the world and oh, what a tragedy, he died too young and had so much potential. Not that it wasn't a tragedy, because it definitely was, but nobody talked about what an awesome father he was or how much he loved bowling and raspberry iced tea. Nobody talked about _him_, you know? It made me so mad. I didn't want to remember the great businessman, the CEO and owner of Yojin Oil Company; I wanted to remember my _dad_."

Tamaki was staring at me with his mouth hanging partially open. I waited for him to say something meaningful, half-expected another completely unrelated question, but finally he simply breathed, "Damn."

"What?"

He smiled and shook his head, squeezing my hand in his. "You are by far the most down to earth person I have ever met."

"Well, considering your club lives about ten miles above the clouds, I'd say that's not much of an accomplishment," I joked, though I did appreciate the compliment.

The door opened and I jumped a mile high. I had almost forgotten where I was and what was about to happen; Tamaki had done a damn good job of keeping me distracted. The realization hit me with the impact of a speeding car and knocked the wind out of me. I struggled to start breathing again. That sent me to coughing horribly, each one rattling in my throat and hurting my chest. Tamaki rubbed my back, unable to do anything more.

The doctor was a middle aged woman with brown hair in a long braid and bright blue eyes framed by thinly rimmed glasses, holding a clipboard with my medical information on it. I was almost compelled to ask how they'd gotten it, since I hadn't filled out any forms or anything, but I supposed it wouldn't have been too terribly hard to retrieve the information from my physical at Ouran, which seemed like it had been several years ago, though it had really only been a few weeks before.

She sat down in a chair before a desk that appeared to be attached to the wall and watched me and Tamaki as I slowly remembered how to breathe. "So," she smiled and asked ironically – and I knew she was being ironic intentionally – "How are you today, Miss Yojin?"

I cleared my throat, which hurt, and replied feebly. "I could be doing a lot better." Was I shaking already? Damn. Tamaki wrapped his arm around me again.

"I'm Dr. Usui, but you feel free to call me Midori. You're in for a cold, right? How many days have you had it?" she asked. I wasn't sure I liked the informality of it all, but I supposed it was a whole lot better than the alternative.

"Three days," I mumbled, shifting my weight in the chair uncomfortably.

Dr. Usui… Midori took note. "All right. Well, I know colds are pretty miserable, but usually I wouldn't advise coming in until you've had one at least a week."

"Midori," Tamaki said almost at once, just when I was about to nudge him in the ribs as if to say _see?_ "I'm not sure what Samayu has is a cold."

"All right, then. What are your symptoms, Samayu?" she asked me directly. I guessed she wasn't going to let Tamaki do all the talking for me.

I cleared my throat and grimaced. "Sore throat," I said first. "Fever, runny nose, coughing…" I trailed off.

"Nausea," Tamaki added. I wanted to scream. Sure, I felt sick, but I was blaming the terror for the way my nausea had come up all at once inside the car on the way to the hospital.

"Coughing and nausea? That's not good," Midori said casually, and I winced. I didn't want to hear what I had wasn't a cold. That would mean a more extensive examination, and I just wanted to get the hell out of here. "And how bad would you say your sore throat is?" she asked.

"Not _bad_," I mumbled. "It only hurts when I try to swallow or clear my throat."

"And of course, your coughing has irritated it further," Midori stated matter-of-factly. "Has your chest been hurting at all?"

I stared into my lap. Of course it had. But wasn't that because of Tamaki? Still… "Yes," I admitted, wincing.

"What about fatigue? Are you unusually tired?"

"Well… yes," I mumbled, curling one knee into my chest and burying my face in Nimblefoot's back.

"Okay, then," Midori said, scrawling my list of symptoms onto her clipboard. When she stood up my entire body stiffened instinctually. She noticed this. "It's all right, dear," she said soothingly, pulling something long and white out of the pocket of her white doctor's coat. I recognized the instrument as a thermometer. "I'm not going to hurt you."

I relaxed, much to my surprise. That had certainly never happened before. There was just something I… trusted about this woman. Next to me, Tamaki flipped my hand over and began to trace the lines on my palm again. I don't know why he kept doing that. Unless he was a palm reader, I really didn't think he'd find the lines all that interesting.

I let Midori take my temperature, and she whistled when she read the display. "102 degrees," she told me, jotting that down on her clipboard. "Quite a fever. And you've had it for three days?"

I nodded, not sure if her question should worry me or not.

Midori made a noise of assent and patted the examination table on the other end of the room. "Have a seat, Samayu." She smiled invitingly and added, "Bring Mr. Suoh along, if you feel like it."

I did feel like it.

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_Midori didn't say a word about my very obvious discomfort with the entire situation. Of course, I'm sure she was informed that I'm terrified of doctors. Even so, that did put me somewhat at ease. People who act nervous around frightened people only make them more frightened. She was completely calm, which made me calm._

_I was subject to a light being shined in my eyes, which I didn't like in the slightest. It made them water terribly and I had to deal with an overprotective Tamaki, who thought I was crying when I began to wipe at my eyes. My throat was looked at and a strep test administered, which made me gag and cough and made my throat burn. The test was pointless anyway. I didn't have strep._

_She determined I had the flu after I nearly vomited when she probed my stomach (which, in my opinion, was the worst part of the exam), and I hated Tamaki for being right. He sat there with his smug little grin, rubbing my back as I coughed and spluttered, trying to recover from the burst of nausea. I supposed it wasn't just the fear after all. She prescribed some antiviral drug to me, and Tamaki had her fax the prescription to someone who he assured me would pick it up for me. By that time, I honestly just wanted to curl into a ball and sleep forever_.

* * *

As Tamaki and I were heading out the door, I felt Midori's hand on my shoulder. Amazingly, I didn't freak out. I turned around and asked in a muffled voice, "What?"

She sighed and turned my arm over, displaying the scars that had begun to fade with two weeks of not slicing them open. "You've had a rough time of it," she said, gently pulling Nimblefoot out of my hand and giving him to Tamaki, who looked about as confused as I felt. Why had she taken away my horse?

I pulled my arm back at once, remembering what Tamaki had said about Midori being a cutter, too. I just stared at her. I didn't seem to be able to speak.

"Hang in there," she said. "It always gets better. Trust me, I know." She pressed a slip of paper into my hand. "This is my phone number. Call me if you want to talk. Although…" she leaned in and whispered, so I only I could hear her, "I'm sure a friend like Mr. Suoh makes things seem a whole lot brighter, huh?"

I blushed. She'd hit the nail on the head there. "Th-thank you," I stammered, astounded by the sudden encouragement.

"Feel better soon," she said, winking at me, before she turned back to the desk and her clipboard.

I probably would have stood there staring at her open-mouthed like an idiot for a solid two minutes more if Tamaki hadn't tugged at my hand. "Come on, Samayu," he urged me, and I took a few steps forward. He gave Nimblefoot back to me, and I tucked my stuffed horse under my arm as we went down the hall. "Let's go home."

"Home?" I asked. There were two possible meanings. "Mine or yours?"

"Whichever one you want."

My house was a disaster. Tamaki would probably fall over a box and break his arm. And I had Nimblefoot, so I was pretty much good. "Yours, then, I guess," I said distantly. I still couldn't get over Midori and her phone number, still clutched in my hand.

I wanted to pay for my own damn doctor's appointment, but Tamaki wouldn't allow it. Something about how a father pays his daughter's medical bills or some other crap like that. I was a little mad and still too fazed to really pay attention to his excuse. I kind of wanted to hit him for keeping up the _daddy_ thing, which I still didn't get. My _daddy_ is dead; I don't want a new one. I just want Tamaki to… well, like me the way I like him, at the very least. I'm not so audacious as to hope he can love me.

But I guess I do, anyway.

* * *

**Fin! Sorry this is short and stupid, but I'm tired and haven't had sugar for three days and am basically running on caffeine. I had three cups of coffee this morning and I don't ever drink coffee. Also, I'm sorry for missing last week's update. The Christmas season was just too hectic to write another chapter for this. Drop me a line? Review!**

**Love you all; thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	30. The Disgusting Liquid Variety

**Good lord, we've hit chapter 30. This is… scary, for me. And awesome. I just never dreamed I'd stick with a story this long. It's all thanks to my readers! If you all weren't out there enjoying this and reviewing I don't think I would have made it half as far as I have! Recap: Samayu has the flu (again) and she's finally met a doctor she can trust. By the way, for those of you who are worried, Midori is totally not evil. She might be one of the kindest people I've ever thought up. Now Tamaki is going to take (excessive) care of Samayu. And perhaps things will begin to unfold…**

**Disclaimer: I would love to tell you all that I own everything Ouran, but that'd be a whopper of a lie. I still own nothing. Sob.**

* * *

I fell asleep in the car on Tamaki's shoulder. I felt so deflated. Maybe it was a mental thing, but now that I knew I had the flu I was starting to feel worse. My stomach was starting to hurt in that horrible, twisting way that you can't get rid of when you're sick.

"Samayu," I faintly heard Tamaki whisper, pulling me out of the abyss of sleep. "Samayu, wake up. We're here."

I opened my eyes. The car was parked outside of Tamaki's mansion.

"How are you feeling?" Tamaki asked. Now that I had moved away from his shoulder, he could unbuckle his seatbelt. As I stared vacantly into space, still groggy, he reached his arm across my body and undid mine, too.

"Queasy," I replied after a few moments of pulling enough of my thoughts together to come up with a word that accurately described my condition. "And sleepy."

Tamaki opened the car door and helped me out. "You can sleep inside just as soon as you take your medicine," he assured me.

The word_ medicine_ made my stomach roll and I gagged a little on bile that leapt to my throat. Medicine usually meant some horrible pill that would get stuck in my throat or, worse, some disgusting liquid with a taste that would linger in the back of my mouth for hours.

Tamaki and I went inside. He didn't bother with the various greetings from his servants. He said hello to them as a whole and ushered me straight up the stairs and through the halls to the room I'd used when I lived here for a couple of weeks. "I had them prepare everything for you on the way over while you were sleeping," he said, pushing open the door.

The preparations mainly consisted of adding what seemed like four more layers of blankets to the bed, eight or nine extra pillows, and leaving water bottles and the medicine Midori had prescribed to me on the bedside table. To my displeasure, it was of the revolting liquid variety.

The outfit I'd thrown on before Tamaki took me to the hospital had grown much too warm for me with my fever and was damp with sweat, and Tamaki let me alone for about three minutes to change into pajama shorts and a tank top. I came out of the closet and sat on the bed, rubbing my eyes. I wanted so desperately to sleep.

Tamaki was staring at me with something I couldn't quite pinpoint in his eyes. Shock, tenderness… it was very confusing. He came to my side and took my hands, flipping them over so my palms faced the ceiling and he could see my arms. White scars in stacked lines ran up them. I was always very methodical with my cutting; I didn't want any of the lines to crisscross and they were mostly parallel. Clouded anguish crossed over Tamaki's face. "So many of them," he whispered, tracing the scars. My skin was tingling like crazy. "But I'm so…_ proud_ of you."

I looked up at him, so shocked for a minute that I forgot my fatigue. "Proud?" I repeated, sure I had misheard him.

"Look," he said. "They're healing. I don't know if I believed you before when you told me you hadn't cut in two weeks, but… this is so great, Samayu. You've stopped, haven't you?"

I swallowed hard, which agitated my sore throat, and said nothing. I thought I might break into tears.

Tamaki, realizing I wasn't going to give him a reply, sighed and reached for the bottle of medicine. I groaned and tipped over, falling to the side. Tamaki chuckled as he unscrewed the cap. "It won't be so bad," he tried telling me. "It's going to make you better. That's what matters, right?"

I decided I was going to be a brat. I was sick; I had a little bit of license to whine, didn't I? "Can't I get better without it?" I grumbled, burying my face in one of the many pillows on the bed. "I don't want it."

Well, whatever Tamaki was doing, he wasn't smiling anymore. "Samayu, please just cooperate with me here."

I picked Nimblefoot up off the bed where I had placed him before I changed and hugged him. "You call subjecting myself to poison cooperating?"

"It's not poison and you know it," Tamaki said admonishingly. He began to tug on my arm and pulled me back into a sitting position. I watched him pour the stuff into a spoon with a deep well. Great. A soup-spoonful of medicine. It was a deep green color. I grimaced.

Tamaki held the spoon up to my lips. I stared at him skeptically. "It's bad enough you're trying to make me take it. Now you want to spoon-feed it to me?" I asked bitterly.

"I doubt it'll get anywhere near your mouth if I give you the spoon," he informed me. He doubted correctly. If given the power to take it myself, I would just throw the stuff away, spoon and all. "So, the way I see it, this is the only option. Now, open up."

I shook my head, not willing to speak anymore. I wouldn't put it past him to shove the spoon into my mouth while I was making some caustic remark.

I was really irritating him by then. "Samayu," he said threateningly. "You're taking it. So you can either open your mouth or I can force it down your throat. And trust me, I will."

Good god, he was serious. I could see it in his eyes.

I surrendered and parted my lips enough for the spoon to go into my mouth. The liquid dribbled down my throat and my body tried to reject it, making me gag and choke. Tamaki was clearly amused by this, which I was not happy about, but he rubbed my back and stroked my hair as I began to breathe again without a wheeze. "Was that really so bad?" he asked.

It hadn't been as bad as I'd anticipated, true, but the repugnant taste was still in my mouth. I snatched up one of the water bottles on the bedside table and wrestled it open, gulping at it not for need to satiate thirst but the need to rid my mouth of the horrible taste. It didn't help, even though I downed half the bottle without once pausing to breathe. I looked up at Tamaki and grimaced by way of reply.

He shook his head. "What am I going to do with you?" he asked under his breath. He stood up and, without any warning, scooped me up in his arms.

I yelped, startled. "What are you doing?!"

Tamaki was somehow managing to hold me up off the ground with one arm, while with the other he yanked back the covers on the bed and arranged the pillows before he set me down in the space he'd created. He began to tug the blankets back up over my body, but I shook my head and he stopped. "Are you still too hot?" he asked.

"Like someone lit my blood on fire," I mumbled.

"Should I take your temperature again?"

"I don't think it'll help anything," I pointed out distantly. Sleep was already taking me. But there was still something bothering me and I wanted to say a little about it before I fell back asleep. "Tamaki… you shouldn't be proud of me."

"Oh, really? Why's that?" he asked. I felt him gently running his fingers through my tangled hair.

"It's just that… not cutting isn't... it's not like I've found some cure. Cutting was…_ is_ an addiction," I admitted, opening my eyes enough to look at him. "I still have a hard time not going back for the blade. I want to so many times. But I just… don't."

"I know," Tamaki smiled. "That's why I'm proud of you." He startled leaning his face towards mine, but I was so tired and my eyelids were so heavy that I shut my eyes before I could see what he was doing. But I distinctly felt his lips brush against my forehead. Like a kiss. "Sleep well, Samayu," he whispered.

My dreams were an endless string of emotions as I came to terms with the fact that _he kissed me he kissed me he kissed me_…

**~Tamaki~**

He'd kissed her. He wasn't entirely sure what had possessed him to kiss her, but he had, and now it wasn't as though he could take it back and rethink his actions. He had kissed her. It was a very simple statement and yet it horrified him somewhat. He had been so forward! What did Samayu think of him now?! Maybe she thought he was a pervert or something!

Tamaki sat back and looked at Samayu while she slept. She looked so small and fragile. Her arms were scarred up to her elbows, and he could see scars on her legs. They were all stacked in parallel lines. And there were so many of them.

He didn't want to take his eyes off her. He didn't want her out of his sight. Because how could he protect her otherwise? How could he prevent the things that sent her over the edge, that drove her to such horrible desperation and pain that she needed to cut herself open to alleviate it?

Why had he kissed her?

He felt close to her. As though they shared a bond. And he could think of no greater bond than that of family. So he translated his feelings towards her as that of father and daughter. Because a father wanted to protect his daughter, right? He didn't want her out of his sight so he could do just that.

But… daughters left their fathers, didn't they? He hadn't thought of that before. Daughters met boys that fell in love with them and took them from their fathers. Daughters got married and left.

Tamaki didn't want Samayu to leave. The thought of her being with another man made his blood boil and his heart ache. He never wanted her to leave him. He couldn't bear the pain if she did.

So what was it, then, if not a father-daughter relationship? How was it possible that he loved her so much unless…

Unless that was it. Nothing more to it. He loved her.

No… more than that. He was _in _love with her.

And oh, my god, he had KISSED HER! That was like… sexual harassment or something, wasn't it?! Oh, good lord! How could he make amends?! He'd have to marry her! That was it! That would atone for his sin!

Just when he was really about to freak out, he paused and glanced back at Samayu's sleeping expression. She looked so calm. So young. She was too young for marriage. What had he been thinking?

But what did he do now? He loved her. No way did she love him back. Maybe she didn't hate him anymore, maybe she had grown to call him her friend, but he was sure that was all she felt towards him. What would he do?

Well… make her happy. If she needed him to be her friend, he would be. If she wanted something more, he'd be the perfect boyfriend. But the first thing he had to do was ensure her recovery. Not that she was going to make it easy for him. He could understand her reluctance with the medicine – it probably tasted as horrible as it smelled– but did she really have to fight against him so hard? He only wanted what was best for her. Hadn't he made that painfully obvious?

He sighed and shook his head. Maybe he was just over thinking things. There was plenty of time to sort out his feelings – and hers, for that matter – as she got better and afterwards. They were young, weren't they? They had more than enough of time.

He leaned over and brushed hair out of Samayu's face, and noticed she was shivering. She was developing chills. He pulled a couple of the blankets over her body – so she wouldn't be freezing when she grew cold but wouldn't burn up when she got hot again – and pressed a hand against her cheek. Her fever was terrible. He didn't think he'd ever been that sick.

Tamaki stood up and went to the bathroom, drenching a towel in cold water to place over her forehead. As he was doing so, Samayu started mumbling in her sleep. He paid it no mind at first, since the last time she'd done that when he was around her she had been mumbling about Maika, but then he heard his name on her lips and froze.

"Tamaki," she was mumbling, a look of pain on her face. "I'm sorry…"

And that was all. Just those three words, over and over again for a good five minutes. _What is she sorry for?_ he wondered. Was she having a bad dream? Should he wake her up?

As he was trying to figure out what to do, her hold on her stuffed horse loosened and her hands clutched for something before her, though there was nothing there. She was still asleep. Her motions grew more desperate and she let out a wordless noise of fear and longing.

Without thinking, Tamaki reached out his hand and let her clutch it in both of hers. She sighed and a look of calm crossed her face as she lifted his hand to her cheek and kept it there. There was even a faint smile on her lips. "Love…" she mumbled, so quietly Tamaki almost didn't catch it, and sighed again. She spoke no more.

Tamaki was almost floored. What had she meant?! Love?! What did she love?! Who did she love?! Had she been dreaming about Maika, her father, somebody else?!

Was it possible she could have been dreaming about him? God, he wanted that. He sat down beside Samayu, letting her keep his hand pressed to his cheek. Proximity was enough for him, at the moment. No doubt it wouldn't be enough for long.

But at least, right now, he had her here with him. She was vulnerable and he could protect her. She was sick and he could take care of her.

And that made him smile as he leaned over and kissed her forehead again.

* * *

**I'm sorry I got this out there a day late. It's finals week. In all seven of my classes, I only have to take one real final in AP English, and I took half of it this morning. Thursday I have to do the other half: defend my senior paper in front of the class (that Intelligent Design vs Evolution/Progressive Creationism monstrosity I've mentioned before). Other than that, I have to write a paper for my religion class (yeah… I go to a faith-based school) and finish filming/editing my steampunk mobster action movie for film class. I have a lot to do in little time and I may not be able to write this week. Wish me luck!**

**Anyway, what did you think of this chapter? Fluff overload, I think. It won't be long now… you know what I mean ;) Review for me, please? Reviews keep me going!**

**Love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	31. The Flu and Panic Don't Go Well Together

**Okay, we're back! Chapter 31, woo-hoo! I don't know if my last chapter took some psychological toll on me, but I somehow managed to catch the flu myself. And, like an idiot, I went to school anyway to go to AP Calculus class and film class… and ended up vomiting in a trash can in the hall. Needless to say, I went home and slept for a straight 18 hours. I feel a little better, but I am wishing for a Tamaki Suoh of my own to come take care of me. =3 But, if I can't have one here to take care of me physically, I suppose having him take care of my OC (who is one of my many alter egos) is the next best thing. **

**Oh, just a warning: We're still on fluff overload. So, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Do I really need to…? All right, here goes. I still own nothing.**

* * *

**~Samayu~**

I woke up with a horrible feeling of mixed dread and panic. I couldn't explain it at first. I registered that Tamaki was lying next to me with his arm spread protectively over my chest as he slept. The digital clock on the bedside table said it was about four a.m. My head was throbbing behind my right eye and I was still much, much too hot.

And then I realized why I felt so panicked. My stomach rolled and lurched and I knew I was going to throw up within the next thirty seconds. And I didn't fancy staying in bed and vomiting all over Tamaki.

My limbs ached, and it was purely panic that gave me the strength to bolt upright and scramble out of bed. A damp cloth fell off my forehead. I woke up Tamaki with my sudden, urgent motions, and I heard him calling my name as I raced into the bathroom and collapsed over the toilet just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into it. I could taste the flu medicine beneath the bile, and that only made me gag and retch even more.

"Samayu!" Tamaki's concerned voice asked urgently, and I felt him come up behind me and gather my hair in his hands in case I started throwing up again. And, judging by the way I felt, that would be very soon.

I tried swatting his hands away. "Go away," I gasped. I'd told him the last time I was sick I didn't want him to see me when I was like this.

"Not a chance," he informed me stubbornly, lowering himself onto the floor next to me. I caught sight of his clothes. I hadn't realized he'd changed into sleepwear. He was wearing grey sweatpants and a blue shirt with a smiley face on the front. I was vaguely amused.

And then my stomach lurched again and I spent another two minutes dry heaving over the toilet before I threw up again. I started crying.

"Oh, Samayu," Tamaki sighed sympathetically as I sat back, gasping for air. My mouth tasted horrible. I was almost afraid to breathe because I was afraid I would poison the air.

"How does this not disgust you?" I managed to choke out, retching slightly.

"I wouldn't _ever _think of you as disgusting," he said seriously, rubbing my back. "You're sick, that's all. This is completely natural."

I smiled weakly at him for all of two seconds before vomiting into the toilet again. I almost couldn't breathe. My chest was too tight and I was crying too hard. I am such a wimp when it comes to being sick. "It's okay," Tamaki murmured. "Just get it all out of your system."

I asked God for the twelfth time since I realized it what I ever did to deserve to fall in love with someone like him. Tamaki is too good.

Who knows how long that went on? A good long while. Maybe fifteen, twenty minutes. But, after what seemed like forever, my stomach stopped churning and I felt safe enough to collapse away from the toilet, into Tamaki's arms. I was still crying, but at least I could breathe again since I wasn't dry heaving.

I knew I still had a fever since I was all clammy, but now I was freezing. Tamaki brushed sweat-soaked hair out of my eyes and away from my neck before he put his hands on my shoulders to hold me steady. "How does your stomach feel?"

"Better," I managed to reply. My throat had definitely been agitated by that long session of gagging and throwing up. "Still hurts, though."

"What about the rest of you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are there any other parts of you that hurt?"

"Head, throat… my body just aches," I sighed. A shiver ran through my body.

Tamaki paused. "Are you cold?" he asked in disbelief. I nodded and he pursed his lips. "You must be catching the chills."

"I want to go back to bed," I mumbled, standing up on shaky legs. I flushed the toilet with a grimace, and before I could take a step towards the bathroom door Tamaki had swept me up into his arms and was carrying me back to bed instead. "I can walk," I complained half-heartedly. He was just so warm.

"Don't be silly. You looked ready to fall over," Tamaki informed me. "You know, you seem to get sick an awful lot. Didn't you ever get the flu shot?"

I shuddered, nothing to do with how cold I was. "Doctors," I whispered.

"Well… what about Midori? When you're better, would you object to getting one from her?" Tamaki asked hopefully.

I just didn't like the thought of needles, but I did owe Tamaki a whole lot, and he obviously wanted me to get this shot thing when I got better. "I guess not."

He looked a little taken aback by my compliance as he laid me down on the bed. I burrowed under the covers. "Don't go to sleep just yet, all right?" Tamaki said.

"Why not?" I mumbled. Darkness was already beginning to creep up on me; fighting it off was troublesome.

"I'm taking your temperature," Tamaki said. I heard a faint plastic _pop_. He was uncapping a thermometer.

"Morning," I protested groggily.

"No, Samayu. Now. Come on, open up." Tamaki pulled the covers away from my face and I groaned, but let him slide the thermometer under my tongue anyway. When it beeped and Tamaki took it out of my mouth, I shut my eyes and rolled over. I barely registered Tamaki telling me what the reading was, 101.7 degrees, before I was asleep again.

* * *

"Samayu? Samayu, wake up. Just for a little while," I heard Tamaki's voice cut through the blackness of sleep. Pulling back into consciousness was… painful. My limbs still ached, my throat still burned, my head was still pounding, and to top it all off, now my stomach was cramping up.

I rolled over and opened my eyes. "What is it?" I mumbled, gritting my teeth when my stomach cramped up pretty badly.

"Do you think you can eat something?" Tamaki asked, pressing his hand against my cheek. I wondered for all of a second why he wasn't checking my forehead like a normal person before I realized the cloth had been laid across it again.

"Not a chance," I said in reply to his question. Even the thought of food made me feel sicker. God, my stomach hurt. I wrapped my arms around myself and curled my knees into my stomach, trying to alleviate some of the pain. I couldn't remember having ever felt this crappy.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Tamaki asked, sitting next to me and pushing my sweat-soaked hair out of my face. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head, but I still hated the thought of being so weak in front of him. "It's just my stomach. I'll deal."

"What's the matter with it? You're not in pain, are you?"

"It's just cramping," I mumbled, blushing a little. I think. My face may have been too red with fever to blush properly.

"Let me help," Tamaki offered. He started tugging the covers away from me and frowned when he saw the way I was curled up.

"How are you going to help?" I asked skeptically.

"Just relax a little. It'll help, I promise," Tamaki said after two unsuccessful attempts to get me to move my arms away from my stomach. I did as he said, even though that definitely did _not_ help alleviate the pain. I couldn't entirely suppress a groan, though I did manage to muffle it considerably. Tamaki took my hands and pulled them away from my midsection, and gently pushed my legs away as well.

"What are you doing?" I protested, trying to move them back.

"Stop. It's not helping anything," Tamaki said sternly. "Trust me, okay?" He gripped the bottom of my tank top and started tugging it up.

"NO!" I shrieked insanely as my brain shot into panic overdrive. I almost had a heart attack. Horrible images of Raito shot through my mind, and all I could think about was his large, awful hands tearing my clothes off my body. I flailed my arms wildly in self defense, felt my hand hit something and heard the impact, and scrambled up into a sitting position, putting as much distance as I could between me and my attacker.

My stomach felt ready to explode. The pain brought me back to reality and I groaned and collapsed on the bed, gasping for air between clenching my arms over my stomach and gritting my teeth. I realized I had started crying in the midst of my horrific craze of nightmarish memories.

"Samayu? Samayu, I'm sorry! Did I hurt you? I didn't mean it! I'm so sorry!" Tamaki started pleading with me. He was holding his cheek. I guess that was what I had hit. He had gotten onto the bed and was reaching out for me, but I shrunk away.

"Don't… don't touch me," I choked out between sobs. "Don't touch me."

"Samayu… I'm sorry… It wasn't… I was just trying to help," Tamaki protested weakly. I could hear the pain in his voice, like my violent rejection was physically hurting him.

"Why did you do that?" I demanded amidst tears, burying my face in the sheets. I was furious and ashamed and terrified all at once.

"I was going to try something my mother used to do for me when I was sick," he said, sounding almost embarrassed. I looked up at him and saw him blushing. "She used to rub my tummy when it hurt…"

Why couldn't I stay angry at him? "Why didn't you just tell me that before you… before you…?" I couldn't even finish the question. I couldn't breathe.

"I didn't… I didn't know," he said feebly. "I'm sorry."

I curled myself into a ball and rolled over. "You can't do that without warning me first," I whispered, trying to wipe tears out of my eyes. "You can't do that…"

"Okay. I promise. I'm sorry for scaring you," Tamaki apologized again. "Can I…?" He didn't finish the question, but he didn't need to. I bit my bottom lip and rolled back over, staring up at him. I sniffled and nodded. "I'm not going to hurt you," Tamaki said softly. "I would never hurt you."

I took a long, deep breath, trying to center myself, and relaxed my body like I had before the incident. Tamaki was much more hesitant, and I squeezed my eyes shut and put all my energy into concentrating on the fact that this was Tamaki, not Raito, when he pulled my tank top up just enough to expose my midsection.

He rubbed my stomach in a circular motion. I hadn't expected it to work, but it did. My stomach wasn't cramping up anymore. Maybe it was psychological. I sighed and released any tension left in my muscles. "I'm sorry I flipped out on you," I whispered, raising my arms so I could cover my eyes.

"I understand," he replied. "Do you feel any better?"

"A lot, actually," I sighed contentedly. This was one of the strangest things I'd ever done… let someone rub my stomach. And it was Tamaki, no less.

"Could you eat something?" he asked again, hopefully. I still shook my head. He frowned. "Drink some water, at least," he finally said, as though negotiating a compromise.

I was in no mood to argue with him. "Okay," I said, nodding. I sat up and Tamaki handed me a half-filled water bottle. It must have been the one I had drank out of to wash the taste of the medicine out of my mouth. I uncapped it and started drinking. I hadn't realized I'd been thirsty before the water hit my lips. I gulped eagerly at it.

That seemed to give Tamaki some peace of mind. "Wait here for two minutes," he said suddenly, leaping to his feet.

"Where would I go?" Even sick, I was still witty.

He chuckled. "Good point. I'll be right back." He rushed out of the room, leaving me to my water bottle. I finished it and redid the cap. My mouth still felt dry, and my stomach cramped up again. I sighed and tried reaching for another water bottle on the bedside table. I couldn't reach one without my stomach twisting horribly.

"Damn it," I muttered, giving up and falling back on the bed. "I just wanted to get myself another water bottle, for heaven's sake…" I felt so weak and useless. Being sick was terrible.

"I'm back!" Tamaki announced as he opened the door and rushed back to my side, as though he thought my condition would have drastically changed in the last three minutes since he'd left. He was holding a thick blanket with an extension cord.

"What is that thing?" I asked.

"Electric blanket," he said simply, plugging it into the wall. "I was reading about flu symptoms while you were asleep on my laptop last night and one of the pages I opened said heat was good for stomach cramps."

Whatever helped. I sat up again and pointed at the table. "Could you hand me another water bottle?" I asked. I wished I could just get it myself, but my stomach threatened to explode if I moved more than an inch. Flus last a week, right? This was day four. Ugh, I didn't think I could live through another three days of this pathetic helplessness. Sure, the undivided attention from Tamaki was nice to an extent, but at some point it stopped being heartwarming and just became humiliating.

Tamaki handed me the water bottle. I twisted off the cap as fast as I could and drank from it gratefully. Tamaki said something I didn't quite catch, and I pulled the bottle away. "Huh?"

"I said, don't drink too fast. You'll upset your stomach again."

"Oh," I mumbled, blushing again. Or maybe blushing. Whatever. I took one more long drink of water and screwed the cap back on. Tamaki took it from me and set it back on the bedside table. His eyes lingered on the bottle of medicine. "Not that," I begged him.

He hesitated. "The bottle said every twelve hours. It's been over twelve since you took it. Can't you handle one more spoonful?"

I grimaced. "I think it'd just come back up again," I said. I wasn't just trying to get out of taking it. I honestly didn't think I could keep it down.

"Okay. Promise you'll try when you wake up next, though?" he asked as I lowered myself back down and shut my eyes. He spread the blanket over my torso. The concentrated heat felt incredible.

I sighed wearily. "Fine. I promise."

"Good girl," he whispered. I think he may have kissed my forehead again, but I was halfway asleep when I felt it, so I couldn't be entirely sure.

* * *

I woke up sobbing. Dreaming when you're sick is more like having hallucinations – they feel so much more real than typical dreams. I had been dreaming about Tamaki… dreamt that I finally had the nerve to tell him I loved him. And I could remember how hopeful I'd felt, how much I'd wanted him to answer me positively. I could still feel the nerves in my stomach, which admittedly wasn't making my stomach feel any better.

But in my dream, his response had torn me apart. He'd told me it was fun, appeasing me, the school's charity case, but it had gone too far. He'd said that someone like him could never fall in love with a cutter-freak. That I had been stupid to think otherwise.

"Samayu?! Samayu, what's wrong? Do you feel bad? What hurts?" Tamaki asked frantically. I felt his hand on my cheek and I winced. "Samayu? What is it? Oh, god, please stop crying; I hate it when you cry."

"Nothing hurts," I choked out, covering my face with my hands. "I just… had a nightmare. That's all. A _really_ bad dream."

"Oh…" he breathed a sigh of partial relief, and I felt him sit down next to me and pull me into him. I wrapped my arms around him, praying this concern he was displaying was real and not _for fun_ like he had claimed in my terrible dream. He was wearing normal clothes now. Jeans and a blue sweater. "It wasn't real, it wasn't real," he tried reassuring me.

When did I turn into this? A weak, pitiful girl who needs to be assured that someone does love me? I hated it and… liked it at the same time. Maybe because for two years I've drifted through life thinking nobody loved me and now I'm trying to make up for it.

Oh, damn it. That terrible feeling of dread was coming back. "I'm think I'm going to throw up again," I gasped, trying to clamber out of Tamaki's arms and off the bed. He wouldn't let go of me. He picked me up and carried me to the bathroom, where I promptly emptied god knows what was left in my stomach into the toilet.

I sat back on the tile floor and held my head. "Kill me," I muttered miserably as Tamaki let go of my hair.

"Not a chance. You'll get through this," Tamaki assured me, rubbing my back. "How's your stomach doing now?"

"Surprisingly better."

"Could you eat something?"

I considered it. "Maybe a little bit of soup," I finally decided. I'd know for sure when I tried to eat it. I got to my feet, flushed the toilet, and stumbled over to the sink, where I found a toothbrush and toothpaste and tried to erase the taste of bile from my mouth by brushing my teeth. Tamaki lingered at my side, lest my knees should give out and I should fall over. Thankfully, I managed to stay standing by clutching the counter for support instead.

I wouldn't let Tamaki carry me back out of the bathroom, and curled up in the armchair instead of getting into bed again. I wasn't exhausted anymore. I could stay awake a little longer. Tamaki made me cover myself with the electric blanket as a precaution and handed me the rest of the water bottle I hadn't finished and another one before heading out of the room to get someone to bring up some soup. I was a quarter of the way through the second water bottle when Tamaki came back in, triumphant, with a maid following him. She had a tray with a bowl on it.

"Thanks," I mumbled when she set it down on my lap. She smiled at me and bowed out of the room. Tamaki leaned against one of the armrests and watched as I tested the soup to see if my stomach could handle it. To my relief, it could. I ate half of the bowl. My stomach was still fine, but I didn't think pushing it was a good idea.

"That's all you're eating?" Tamaki asked in disbelief. "Not even a little bit more?"

"I don't want to risk it."

"Okay," he said, shrugging. He took the tray away from me and put it on the bedside table. I got up and crawled back into the bed, locating Nimblefoot in the covers and hugging him to my chest as I lay down.

"Not yet," Tamaki said admonishingly. I groaned. I was hoping he would forget. I rolled over and sat up reluctantly, watching Tamaki fill a spoon with the awful tasting flu medicine. He handed me a water bottle before holding the spoon to my lips. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened my mouth, trying to swallow as fast as I could so I wouldn't taste it. I was unsuccessful. I gagged a little and gulped at the water bottle in my hands until I had swallowed every drop in it. "Is it really that awful?" Tamaki asked.

"Try some yourself if you don't think it's so bad," I mumbled.

"Let me take your temperature again."

I groaned. "If I do, will you let me sleep?"

He laughed. "Yes."

"I don't think this is very funny," I grumbled half-heartedly as he uncapped the thermometer and slid it under my tongue. The reading came out at 101.8.

"Not much of an improvement," Tamaki said, shaking his head as he recapped the instrument. "But we'll see if you feel better when you wake up again." He paused. "But, um… if I'm not here when you wake up, don't be freaked out, okay? I just should really be at school tomorrow. I'll come straight home, I promise."

"I understand," I said quietly as sleep tugged me back into its clutches. This time, I definitely felt him kiss my forehead.

* * *

**Sorry I didn't get a ton of new information into this one… really, this chapter's entire purpose was to get in Samayu's freak out about Tamaki and her shirt, and her dream about his rejection. Just to add a little bit of drama and set up what's to come next chapter. By the way, things are gonna BLOW UP in the most mind-blowing and incredible sense possible next chapter. So stay tuned!**

**But, if you want that chapter to come out, I tell you that you MUST review! Please… if you've never reviewed my story before, consider it, and if you have, I urge you to review again! I love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	32. The Truth Be Out

**Chapter 32! Holy crow, have we been going places! In this newest, most shocking of chapters, plots will be formulated and secrets revealed! I told you things were about to blow up! In the good, plot forming way, not the **_**oh, damn, Samayu's screwed**_** kind of way. Just in case any of you were concerned. Enter the Shadow King, and let's get this show on the road!**

**Disclaimer: I am aware that you are aware that I own nothing. But evidently, for legal reasons, the disclaimer must be present nonetheless.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**~Tamaki~**

"Hey, Milord. Where's Samayu?"

"Yeah. You two are practically attached at the hip nowadays."

The twins had been pestering Tamaki nonstop for the better half of the host club meeting, hanging around him when he had no guests, poking his shoulders and his cheeks, trying to illicit any strong reactions from him. They were, per usual, bored. And Tamaki wasn't blowing up like they wanted him to. He was just blushing and mumbling about how "fragile" Samayu was. He was worried sick about her; she had texted him at lunch to assure him she was fine. Her fever, she claimed, was down to 100.6 degrees and she told him to go to the Host Club meeting after school since she was just sleeping most of the time anyway. So he had done what she asked, but a part of him was still preoccupied with concern for her.

When the club closed down and all the guests had departed, Kyoya sauntered up to Tamaki. "So, Midori told me she saw Miss Yojin on Saturday. Your doing, I presume?"

"What were you doing discussing her with Midori?" Tamaki asked. "What happened to patient confidentiality and all that?"

"Oh, she didn't have to mention her by name," Kyoya smirked. "But what other Ouran girl is terrified of doctors and needs to be accompanied to an examination by the Suoh heir?"

Tamaki sighed. "Be nice, won't you? You have no idea how rough she's had it." He paused, remembering the incident from yesterday, and said slowly, "Hey… do you think that maybe something… happened to her?"

"Plenty has _happened_ to her."

"No, I mean… something really bad. Like something that makes her terrified of people in general. You've noticed that, right? She hates it when people touch her. She gets this… scared look in her eyes."

"Aside from when you touch her, of course," Kyoya pointed out. "But then again, you've somehow managed to get her to trust you."

Tamaki blushed. "Oh… yeah."

Kyoya's eyes narrowed and he pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. "I have had several suspicions since Miss Yojin first visited our club. However… are you sure you're ready to hear them?"

A shudder ran down Tamaki's spine and his face blanched. "What… what are you talking about, Kyoya?"

"I'm serious, Tamaki. You won't like what I have to say."

Tamaki swallowed back a nervous lump lodged in his throat. "Just tell me."

"Well… I believe it's very possible…"

* * *

"But that's… that's so sick! That's so wrong! That can't be right, Kyoya! Samayu would be… I don't know how she'd be able to function at all if…"

"I told you that you wouldn't like it," Kyoya reminded his friend coolly. "And, as I said, it's only a suspicion."

"Well, it's just going to have to remain a suspicion, isn't it? It's not like you can just go up to a person and ask them… _that_." Tamaki winced.

The glare on Kyoya's glasses flashed. "If you work it properly, you don't even have to ask." He stared at Tamaki meaningfully.

Tamaki felt a little sick. "No. _No_! There is _no way_ I could do that to her! No way!"

"It might be the only way."

"I don't care if it's the _only way_! I will not put Samayu through that, and that's final!" Tamaki shouted. "There… there has to be some other way. Just not that."

Kyoya shrugged. "It's fine with me if you want to live with the doubt. But don't come crying to me when the thought drives you crazy. I'm sorry—" He smiled evilly. "I meant to say crazi_er_." He turned away from Tamaki and made for the door. "I suppose I'll see you tomorrow."

Tamaki sighed. "Bye, Kyoya."

* * *

Tamaki opened the door to Samayu's bedroom – or, rather, the bedroom she occupied when she stayed over – and dropped his school bag on the floor. The room was dark and he assumed she was sleeping. But then he heard her voice call from the bathroom, "Tamaki?"

"Samayu?" he called back, slightly startled, as he made his way for the bathroom door. It was halfway open and he hesitated. "Er… can I come in?"

"Yeah," she replied weakly.

He pushed open the door and, when he saw her curled up in a ball next to the toilet clutching her stuffed horse to her chest, he sighed and went to her side. "Oh, Samayu. I thought you were feeling better."

"I was," she mumbled. "I mean, I still am. The nausea just came back all at once, but as soon as I threw up I felt fine. And I don't know if it's going to come back or if I'm safe to leave this spot."

"How long have you been sitting here?"

"Maybe an hour."

Tamaki smiled and stood up, pulling her to her feet. "I think you'll be fine. Can I take your temperature again?"

She shrugged. Tamaki went to fetch the thermometer and she followed him back out into the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed as the machine did its job. She was so adorable, curled up with her stuffed horse. It gave her a more vulnerable aspect.

The reading came out at 99.9 degrees. "So, I'm getting better," Samayu said.

"Still a fever," Tamaki pointed out. "Maybe you should get some more sleep."

She was shaking her head before he even finished the suggestion. "I've been sleeping all day," she protested. "I'm not tired. More than anything, I want out of this room."

Tamaki wasn't sure about that idea, but he did have to admit that Samayu looked a lot better. And she was obviously bored out of her mind, poor thing. He hadn't considered that she might get sick of being in one place for three days. "Okay," he agreed somewhat reluctantly. "What do you want to do?"

She blushed. "I don't know," she admitted. "Do you have a library?"

He might have known she'd want to be around books. "Would you like to see it?" he asked, smiling. She nodded and he took her hand. "Come with me."

* * *

"Most of them are in French," Samayu said dejectedly, flipping through the twelfth book she unshelfed and flipping through it, as though examining the pages would change the language of the content. "I've only found one book in a language I understand. English." She put the book back and sighed, sinking into a chair.

"I'm sorry," Tamaki said, though he chuckled at the look on her face. She was so upset by her lack of ability to read the books she was surrounded by. He sat down next to her. "I could read one of them to you, if you want. I'm a fair translator."

"I don't want to put you out," she mumbled, shaking her head. Tamaki shook his head as well, smiling slightly. She was so sure she was putting him out. He didn't mind taking care of her. He didn't mind in the least.

"I'm not put out," Tamaki informed her, pulling a book off one of the shelves and opening it to see the language and determine how hard it would be to translate. "Here. I know this story. It'll be easy to translate. And I know you'll like it." He could tell she was fighting with herself. She both wanted to accept and refuse his offer. So he made her decision easier for her. "I'm not taking no for an answer."

She sighed and blushed. He loved it when she blushed. It made her look a little more radiant than she already was. "Okay," she whispered.

He took her to the living room and they both sat on the couch, several inches from one another. Tamaki opened the book and started reading it aloud, translating the French words into Japanese. It was slow going, but he felt it was a good way to occupy his time.

At chapter three, he jolted when Samayu hesitantly put her head in his lap. "Um… Samayu?" he asked, blushing.

"Is this okay?" she asked, sounding like she was stifling a yawn.

"It's… fine," Tamaki said, trying to conceal his delight. Even though he wooed several girls a Host Club meeting, he'd never had a girl's head in his lap before. "Are you tired now?"

"A little," she mumbled, curling her knees into her chest. "But don't stop reading. I like the story."

"Yeah," he said distantly. It took him a moment to find the place he had left off and started reading aloud again. When he'd finished chapter three, he stopped. "You still awake?" he asked quietly, stroking Samayu's hair.

"Just a little… Tamaki?" she asked groggily, shifting her position just slightly. "Why… why are you nice to me?"

"What?" he asked, chuckling. "Why would you ask such a silly question?"

"I'm not being silly. I'm serious. Even after I was so mean to you, you still… you still cared about me. Why?" she asked.

"Well… I suppose it's because I could tell you weren't really like that at heart. And that you needed someone.

She made a soft sound of amusement and sadness. "You really are too good for me," she sighed, just barely whispering the last word before her breathing evened out and her chest began to rise and fall at a steady, almost rhythmatic pace.

"I'm not too good," Tamaki whispered so he wouldn't wake her up, setting the book down on his other side and placing his hand on Samayu's shoulder. "I've just had it a lot easier than you." Maybe his life hadn't been easy, but at least both of his parents were alive, and his father adored him and he had hope of seeing his mother again someday. She had neither of her parents to love her. He'd found a group of supportive friends. She was scared of people.

Which made him think about what Kyoya had told him before he left the Host Club meeting. He shuddered to even think about it. "I don't know who hurt you, or how," he whispered to Samayu, even though he knew she couldn't hear him. "But I'm going to make sure it never happens again."

* * *

**~Samayu~**

I woke up to a lullaby.

Piano music was drifting from the corner of the room. I was on the couch alone. I rubbed my eyes and sat up, looking for the source of the music. Tamaki was sitting at the piano, nodding in time to the music he played. I stood up and shivered, feeling a chill, and went to his side, watching his fingers. They flowed effortlessly across the keys, each note floating and fading in perfect tandem.

And then he stopped. "Don't stop," I pleaded. "It was so beautiful."

"I didn't mean to wake you up. I thought it would help you sleep," Tamaki said, turning his body so he could see me.

"It's fine. I… I loved that. What was it?"

"Mozart," he smiled, stroking one of the ivory keys but not striking it. "One of his many sonatas."

"Would you play more?" I asked.

"Well… I suppose I could…" he paused. "Are you cold, Samayu?" I shook my head, even though I was. I felt like I was standing in a refrigerated cavern. Tamaki sighed. "Don't lie. Your arms are covered in goose bumps. Come here."

I sat down next to him, thinking that was that, but he slid one of his hands beneath my knees and plucked me off the spot and down into his lap before I could protest. "What are you doing?" I asked a little shrilly.

He extended his arms and placed his hands on the keys again, continuing the wonderful lullaby. "Better?"

I smiled and wrapped my arms around him, careful that I didn't accidentally touch his arms. "Much," I whispered, burying my face in his chest.

And the music continued.

* * *

"I can go to school tomorrow, Tamaki. I _want_ to go to school," I protested adamantly for the third time on Tuesday night. I was perfectly fine and Tamaki was just being difficult.

"I've told you already, no!" Tamaki insisted infuriatingly. "Not until your temperature's normal for 24 hours!"

"It's barely been a degree over normal all day! I'll be fine! I _feel_ fine! Why are you so against this, anyway?!" I argued, crossing my arms over my chest and giving him a look that told him I wasn't going to submit to what he wanted.

"Because your health is important to me, all right?" he replied at once. "It's just one more day! Just give yourself one more day to recover and then we'll talk, but you are _not_ going to school tomorrow!"

"Yes, I am!" I snapped, stomping my foot in irritation. I'd never stomped my foot at anyone before.

"Samayu, would you stop being difficult?! Can't you tell I just want what's best for you?!" he exclaimed, sounding appalled by my constant refusals.

"I'm bored out of my mind around here," I complained. "There's nothing to do all alone! All the books you have are in French and I'm so sick of pointlessly surfing the web for nothing in particular. I just want to get out of here and do something."

Tamaki made a noise of extreme exasperation, paced a few times, and then sighed. "How's this? I'll have someone go to your house and bring back a couple of books for you. Or even better, some of your art supplies. You can work on a painting tomorrow. But I really don't want you to go to school tomorrow and get stressed out. Okay?"

He had found my kryptonite. I wanted to paint so bad my fingers were twitching. "Okay," I finally agreed. "But Thursday I can go?"

"If you still feel alright," Tamaki said, sounding relieved that I had complied at last.

I sighed and sat down on my bed, picking up Nimblefoot. I opened my mouth to ask Tamaki a question, but then decided against it. I felt bad asking for a favor now, after the argument we'd just had.

"What is it?" Tamaki asked.

"Nothing," I said quickly, blushing and looking away.

"I've told you before, Samayu, you're not as good at lying as you think. Not to me, at least," Tamaki said.

"You're mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you," he said, sitting next to me. "Tell me what it is."

I stared at my lap as I spoke. "Well, I… I wanted to know if… maybe you'd play the piano again for me?"

"What, now?" he asked, and I nodded. He chuckled and patted my leg. "Not right now. I know you don't think you're sick, but you should still get some sleep. I'll play for you again tomorrow. I promise."

"I'm not tired," I pouted like a child.

Tamaki laughed at my expression and shook his head. "Tomorrow," he insisted. His hand brushed against mine and he paused. My muscles tensed. He hesitantly took my hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed my knuckle once and said quietly, "Get some sleep, Samayu. I'll send someone for your things."

"My key…" I mumbled. I was blushing all the way down to my toes.

"I have it. Now, really, you should get some rest." He released my hand and stood up, crossing the room and shutting off the light before he slipped out.

* * *

**~Tamaki~**

"Has anyone seen Kyoya?" Tamaki called out to the hosts in Music Room 3 the next day at the meeting. "He's usually right on top of things by now and the doors open in five minutes!"

"Dunno, Milord," Hikaru said, shrugging.

"Maybe he stepped out for some air," Kaoru suggested, rather uselessly. That didn't do Tamaki any good.

"Tama-chan, Tama-chan!" Hunny exclaimed, bounding up to the taller, younger blonde. "Is Samu-chan coming back tomorrow?"

"I think so, Hunny-senpai," Tamaki replied, looking around for Kyoya. The Shadow King was nowhere to be seen. "Wait… Samayu…" He remembered in a rush what he and Kyoya had been discussing on Monday, and Tamaki almost had a heart attack. "Oh, my god. He wouldn't! He…!" Tamaki snatched up his bag and raced for the doors. "I'm sorry, but I have to go! I'll be here tomorrow! Knock them dead, today, gentlemen!"

And he raced out of the room like all the demons of Hell were nipping at his heels.

* * *

**~Samayu~**

I sat on the floor with my legs crossed in front of my painting, adding randomly placed notes in ancient-looking script to my painting above the piano keys I'd painted across the bottom. Tamaki's music had inspired this particular piece of artwork. I had a paintbrush behind my ear and amber paint smeared on my palms and wrists, and maybe on my cheek, too. The world seemed right again.

I heard the door to my bedroom open and I greeted Tamaki without turning around. "Hey, Tamaki. I'm almost finished here and then you can look at it. I think you'll like this one…" I glanced at the clock as I added a few random staccatos. "What are you doing home so early? Didn't you want to go to your Host Club meeting?"

"Oh, Tamaki's still there, I'm sure," the person behind me replied smoothly, and I froze. It wasn't Raito, but it wasn't a person I particularly enjoy, either.

I turned around. "What are you doing here, Kyoya?" I asked coldly, a little alarmed.

"I need to speak to you about something," Kyoya said. He shut the door behind him. "And I think its best we do so without that blonde idiot interrupting."

I didn't like this. "What so you possibly think we need to talk about?" I asked, trying not to show outwardly that he was making me nervous.

"You've cost the club a lot of business in the past several weeks," Kyoya said smoothly. He reached for his face and removed his glasses, setting them on a table near the door. I didn't like that at all. "What with Tamaki running around after you all the time. Our revenue went down by six percent, what with all his absences."

"I thought we'd fixed that," I said. "That's why I'm working as a host, right? To get your revenue back to where it should be?"

"I'm willing to forget all that," Kyoya said slowly as he advanced upon me. I began backing away as he continued, "If you'll do something for me right now."

I swallowed hard. "What do you want from me?"

Quite suddenly, he wrapped his arms around me, too tightly for an embrace. I gasped and bit my lip to keep from screaming bloody murder. My arms hung limply at my sides. I didn't seem to be able to move my body. "What are you doing?!" I gasped urgently. "Let me go!"

He threw me onto the bed and I yelped. What was happening?! Why was he doing this to me?! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god…

"I'll forget all that you owe me right now," Kyoya said calmly, sadistically, leaning over me with his hands pinning my wrists over my head and his legs straddling my hips. "If you stop acting like such a prude and do as I say."

_Do as I say. Stop struggling. Be a good girl, now_. Raito's words rang in my ears.

Kyoya pressed himself against me like he was going to kiss me and let go of my wrists. At once, panicked, I tried shoving him away. "Stop it! Kyoya, stop it right now!" I shrieked.

"You want your debts repaid, don't you?" he asked in a manner that might have been seductive if he wasn't forcing himself on me.

"NOOO!" I screamed, letting my vocal chords make as much noise as they possibly could. I clawed at his face and he recoiled, and the door burst open.

Tamaki bolted inside and froze, staring first at me and then at Kyoya. "You bastard!" he finally yelled at his friend, a look of indescribable fury in his eyes. "You... you went and…!"

"I have your answer," Kyoya said simply, sauntering right past Tamaki. I buried my face in my knees and started sobbing. I was shaking like a leaf caught in a storm. I heard the door shut and knew Kyoya had gone. Tamaki was silent for a minute at least.

And then something in my head snapped. I couldn't be in this room anymore. I was going to die if I didn't leave. I couldn't be around people anymore. I picked myself up and ran for the door.

"Samayu!" Tamaki exclaimed urgently.

I reached for the door handle and began to pull the door open, but Tamaki came running up behind me and pushed it shut again before I could leave, trapping me. I couldn't breathe.

And, unable to do anything else, I shut my eyes, clapped my hands over my ears, and screamed. And screamed. And screamed. And kept screaming until my lungs hurt and my ears were ringing and I felt Tamaki's hands clutching at my arms. "Samayu!"

"NOOO!" I shrieked, trying to fight him off. "NO!"

"Samayu, it's all right! Samayu!" he tried yelling over my screams, wrapping me in an embrace even as I struggled against him. "I'm sorry! Nothing's going to happen to you anymore! Nothing's going to happen! I promise!"

I went limp in his arms and my screams died, and I finally registered, amidst my terror and my panic, that I was being held by the only person in the world who truly did not mean me any harm. I collapsed and he knelt to the floor so I wouldn't fall, holding me in his arms like he would never let me go. "Who hurt you?" he whispered, sounding like he was in pain. "Who… who raped you? Who was it?"

I sobbed and shook my head, burying my face in his chest.

"Did you tell the police?"

Again, I shook my head.

"Why not?! Do you know who it was?" he asked softly, holding me tighter still.

I couldn't speak properly. "My…my… father…"

"Your father?!" Tamaki exclaimed. "Your father who died?!"

"No! Not my real father! That man isn't my father! He only pretends to be nice to me and my mom so he can…" I couldn't finish that sentence.

"You mean… Raito?! Raito did this to you?!"

I started hyperventilating. "He said he'd take care of us. He said he loved us. He betrayed me and my mom… my mom doesn't believe me… and he's so much stronger than I am, and I try putting up resistance and he overpowers me… and… and… and I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I choked out, tears streaming down my face.

"You don't have to apologize. Oh, god, why are you apologizing? It's not your fault! It's not your fault, alright?"

I couldn't talk anymore and Tamaki didn't seem to have anything more to say. We just sat there in silence save for my choked, desperate sobs, locked in an embrace that I was both terrified of and overjoyed to be in.

**Fin! We've finally done it! Tamaki knows at last!**

**Sorry I got this chapter out a week late, but my life pretty much just sucks right now and I've had no time to write and have hardly been in an emotional state to do so, anyway. So, take it from me: I could really, really, REALLY use some encouraging reviews from all of you out there to make my life a little better.**

**And, Justas a side note: I would have PMed the person who left me a certain review, but it was anonymous, so now my response is public – I am aware that Samayu has a lot of baggage, but what did you expect? This is an anime fanfiction, and an Ouran one nonetheless. And secondly, didn't you read my story intro-thing? Drama was plastered all over that thing. I honestly don't know how you got all the way to Chapter 31 if you think my main character has too much baggage and that there's too much drama in here.**

**So, now that I've gotten that out of my system, love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	33. A Reality Better Than a Dream

**Okay. I realize you've all been waiting two weeks for this, but to be honest with you all, I really didn't want to write this chapter… I'm just in THAT MOOD (if you're a writer, you will understand) and am trying to write a new Phantom of the Opera fic on the side… but I'm finally just sitting my lethargic self down and forcing myself to pound this thing out. Hope you like it…**

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing… an inordinate amount of dreaming has yielded no results.**

* * *

Diary excerpt

_It's been two months. It's hard to believe that I haven't written anything in here in two months. I almost forgot I even had this journal…_

_Things have been pretty hectic. After I got over the flu, Tamaki made me keep my promise and dragged me to Midori to get vaccinated… needles scare me to death and I'm not sure I would have done nearly as well if I didn't find myself strangely able to trust her – even with Tamaki holding my hand the entire time._

_Actually, that was the last time Tamaki and I spent a decent amount of time together alone. He's been keeping the club so busy that I have little time outside of club activities and school to do anything but do homework and sleep. We went to a water park, where we were used as guinea pigs to test out Ootori Group's newest health facility – if I wasn't afraid of crocodiles before, I sure as heck am now. _

_Our school's cultural festival got raided by some girls from Lobelia Academy. They made a pretty darned good bid to get Haruhi to transfer, and went after me for about ten minutes before I put a stop to that. Haruhi took longer to inform them she wasn't going to transfer, and thanks to that, most of the guys ended up in drag and I ended up stuffed into a Victorian dress with far too many ruffles and an exorbitant amount of makeup, and was forced to sing with the guys to showcase our "musical talent." Yeesh. Tamaki is really determined not to lose any members of his "family."_

_Halloween came and went and the twins led our class in a gripping "Test of Courage" challenge. Our entire class failed miserably at that one. On a side note, I'm pretty sure Hikaru and Haruhi have something going on…_

_Just last week, the newspaper club tried to put us out of business for good. When they came snooping around, I almost had a heart attack: if they had tried any harder to unearth my secrets, I fear what they might have found and revealed to the school. Things like cutting and rape…_

_Speaking of which, I'm a little surprised by the fact that Tamaki hasn't said anything about it since he found out. Kyoya apologized rather flippantly for his "improper behavior" that night and we've maintained a tepid friendship. He, obviously, knows about it, and I think Mori might have caught wind of it somehow, but Haruhi, Hunny, and the twins remain blissfully ignorant – either that or they're keeping their mouths shut. I only suspect Mori knows because he's been so careful around me that I was starting to think he was under the impression I would break like a china doll._

_I'm actually a little… disappointed by Tamaki. He's still sweet and everything, but he doesn't go out of his way to hang out with just me anymore. I'm worried he was thrown off by what I told him about Raito… I'm afraid he doesn't like me because I'm ruined. Funny thing is… after almost three months, I don't feel ruined anymore. Sometimes I still wake up from nightmares about Raito, but somehow, that's all they seem to me… are nightmares._

_Not that I haven't taken precautions. I've rigged my house with a state-of-the-art alarm system and bought security cameras for the house. Paranoid, maybe, but I figure I have right to be. Stranger yet, money started coming back into my bank account from my mom's – three months worth of my monthly allowance showed up all at once, an amount which can admittedly get a commoner through a lifetime, maybe even two. And that's just those three months' allowances… I'm sitting on a small fortune, but I figure I'll need most of that money for University and my next two years of Ouran tuition. No way is my mom paying for that anymore, and I simply won't allow Raito to handle my expenses._

_If only Tamaki would start acting the way he was two months ago, acting like we were falling in love as I thought we were, I'd be happier than I've been since before Maika died._

* * *

"Are we allowed to go home yet?" I asked Kaoru after we closed up the club, having thrown myself across one of the couches and buried my face in one of the pillows, exhausted. Tamaki had been keeping us late for two days, and incidentally I'd had to work into the early hours of the morning to finish my homework.

Kaoru was perched on the armrest near my head, and Hikaru was standing at his brother's side. "Milord says he has some sort of announcement," Hikaru said, rolling his eyes. "I just hope he makes it quick."

"We've barely had any time to study for finals, with the way he's been working us," Kaoru added, a plight which I understood wholeheartedly. Finals were next week, and I was only half as prepared for them as I'd have liked to have been.

"I don't care what he's got to tell us; I have laundry to do at home," Haruhi commented, clearing the coffee table of any remaining china. I respected the laundry thing; she taught me how to do my own laundry when I started living on my own. She also taught me how to cook. We've bonded over many a pot of spaghetti and loads of sudsy clothes.

"Good luck," I grinned, picking myself up off the couch and grabbing the three plates of sandwiches that remained on the table to discard. "I did mine last night."

"Smart," she replied, shaking her head. "I actually had time to do it last night, but I got a little lost reading instead. What are you doing tonight?"

"Studying, of course," I sighed exaggeratedly as we walked to the back room, where we would discard the dirty dishes and leftover food. Clean dishes and cutlery would magically appear tomorrow, along with new pastries. One of the many luxuries of being rich. "That literature final is going to kill me unless I review the plotlines of what we read these past few weeks."

"I'm more concerned with trigonometry," she said as she dropped the plates on the counter with the others and I set the remaining food on the opposite end of the room with the rest. "I'm much better with words rather than numbers."

"When finals are over, I'm planning on sleeping through the break," I grinned.

"Not me," she said with a halfhearted grimace. "Dad told one of his friends I would work at his pension over the break."

"Yuck. How's the pay?" I asked as we went back out into the main room.

"That's the worst part. I have to do it for free!" Haruhi sighed and shook her head. "It's actually not that bad. He just gets under my skin sometimes… anyway, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Have fun with your laundry."

"As if that's a possibility." She grabbed her schoolbag from the corner and slung it over her shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow, Samayu."

"Bye, Haruhi." I smiled as she slipped out of the club room.

Five minutes later, when Tamaki and Kyoya had finished discussing something on the opposite end of the room away from the twins' and my curious ears, Tamaki gathered us all together and looked around. "Where did Haruhi go?"

"She had things to do at home," I volunteered the information from my seat in one of the room's armchairs. "I'll fill her in tomorrow."

"Oh… right, then. Well, as we all know, Hunny here has been suffering through a cavity." Tamaki gestured at our oldest and shortest host, who nodded miserably.

This was true. Hunny had been rendered unable to eat without experiencing a sharp pain in the right side of his jaw a few days earlier, and the club had been serving non-sugary refreshments ever since. Mori had been practically self-destructing; Haruhi had figured that out yesterday when Hunny threw an absolute fit and flipped his much taller best friend to the ground.

"So?" Hikaru asked apathetically.

"Kyoya has informed me that, while several of Hunny's guests doted on him for the first two days of his affliction, the revenue we've been taking in due to this has been affected greatly in the last couple days. It's time we finally took action and took him to get it fixed. Therefore, in lieu of our host club meeting tomorrow, Kyoya has arranged for us all to receive dental exams at an Ootori clinic tomorrow after school, while we support Hunny as he gets his cavity fixed."

I felt the blood leave my face and just knew I had turned a ghastly shade of white.

"You've got to be kidding me," Kaoru protested with a groan, and I very much agreed. "Hikaru and I just went to the dentist a couple months ago!"

"This is not about you," Tamaki reminded them with an air of finality to his voice. "This is about supporting Hunny! This club meeting is dismissed!"

While the rest of them dispersed, I remained where I was, curling my knees into my chest and trying to force my heart to decelerate its rapid beating. I almost jumped a mile high when I felt someone's hand on my shoulder.

Tamaki drew his hand back at once, flinching when I turned to him with obvious fear in my eyes. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"It's fine," I waved him away, trying to force my voice to be nonchalant, but the thickness of my tone gave away how incredibly nervous I had become.

"Is something wrong?" Tamaki asked, perching himself awkwardly on the armrest of the chair. "You seem awfully upset."

"It's really nothing, okay?" I insisted, standing up and turning away from him. "I just, um… I don't think I can make it tomorrow."

"Samayu, wait!" he exclaimed, grabbing my wrist. I froze, not because I didn't want his hand on my arm, but because he hadn't touched me with such abandon for weeks. I had missed it terribly. I turned a bright shade of red as Tamaki asked me in a quiet voice, "Does this have something to do with… you know…"

"Raito?" I finished his question for him, making no attempt to pull my hand away from his. "Sort of," I admitted, looking at my shoes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Tamaki asked hesitantly.

I took a deep breath and shook my head, but when he released my wrist, I found the words spilling over my lips, desperate for him to touch me again in some way, even if it was only my wrist. "Dental clinics… they smell like doctor's offices. _Worse_ than doctor's offices. And I… I hate the idea of being so… vulnerable… with sharp things in my mouth… ready to hurt me…" I bit my lip and shuddered. Even though I had vastly improved with my trust issues in the last three months, subjecting myself to such a procedure as a dental exam would still take an extraordinary amount of trust, the likes of which I had not yet gathered.

Hesitantly, I slipped my hand into Tamaki's, and almost sighed in content to feel his palm against mine. His fingers were stiff, as though he was unsure of what to do with them, and slowly, he entwined his fingers in mine.

**Tamaki**

Not approaching Samayu alone for two months had been slowly killing him. He was just so unsure of himself, which would have been laughable on a normal basis, given his status as a host, but in light of what Samayu had been through was perfectly understandable. Finding out the horrors she had suffered through was humbling, and he was afraid approaching her romantically, as he often found himself wanting to do, would scare her off. So he gave her space, let her ease into a normal existence; he'd watched her gain confidence in herself, make friends – even girlfriends outside of the host club – and all the while silently mourned the few days she had spent in his mansion, utterly dependant on him and delirious enough with fever to let him sit her in his lap and play the piano for her. How he missed that night!

The mere act of sliding her hand into his was like a green light; his signal to pursue her once again, a chase he had been anticipating for two months. And yet he found himself entirely unsure of how to proceed. She was standing right next to him, scared and looking for comfort, her hand in his, and all he was doing was staring at her! What would he do if she were a guest? Comfort her, and immediately. But with Samayu, the theatrics weren't necessary, nor was the excessive amount of flirting… no, with her, all he had to do was reassure her, offer to be by her side. No doubt that was what she was looking for.

At last, he squeezed her hand comfortingly and said, "It's not scary, I promise. But if you're really that nervous, you don't have—" he stopped himself from offering, realizing he should ask before he gave her the option to back out. "How long has it been since you've gone to the dentist?"

She flinched, and he saw her eyes glaze over very briefly, the way they did when she was trying to come up with a lie. "Six months," she replied, and her response would have been nearly convincing had she not slurred her s in the first word.

"Samayu," Tamaki pressed her for the truth, finding her other hand and rubbing his thumb in a circle over her palm the way he had done two months ago when she was sick and about to meet Midori for the first time.

She blushed an even deeper shade of red, and Tamaki couldn't help but think how adorable she was when she was embarrassed, and she admitted truthfully at last, "Three years."

Tamaki sighed, knowing he couldn't let her refuse now. It seemed trivial, wanting to make her see a dentist, but it was still an aspect of her health, and that was important to him. "It won't be scary," he promised, raising her hands and playing with her fingers, entwining them in his one way and then another, tracing the lines in her palms. She had such small, warm hands. They fit so perfectly in his.

He felt the shudder rack her body. "It won't be anything major. I'll stay by your side, if you'd like," he offered earnestly. "Remember what I promised?"

He knew she did by the way her eyes lit up, but the fear was still present in her expression. "You won't let anything hurt me," she whispered.

"That's right," Tamaki said softly. He could have told her right then and there, as casually as if he were talking about the weather, that he loved her. But something stopped him, a nervous twinge in his gut. Confessing love to someone was a big deal. He didn't want it to be under these circumstances. No… he wanted something romantic. He gave her hands a final reassuring squeeze and let them go. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm not terribly fond of the dentist myself," he smiled, picking her bag up from its spot next to the armchair and slinging it over her slender shoulders. "Would you like me to walk you to your car?"

"I walked to school today. My car's in the shop."

That threw Tamaki off. He had expected to be the suave gentleman and escort her to her vehicle, to see her safely off, but her response had been the last thing her was expecting. "What for?" he asked rather lamely.

"Engine problems. I won't get it back until tomorrow." She grinned. "Gone are the days when I can snap my fingers and get anything I want. Living like a commoner – well, a wealthy commoner, but still – does have some drawbacks. Like, no spare car."

"Then let me drive you home," he offered, and then paused. Why should he take her home when they had at last reestablished their past relationship? "Better yet, why don't you sleep at my house tonight? Your bedroom is just as you left it."

The smile on her lips was breathtaking. "I'd like that very much," she informed him shamelessly and gripped his hand again, which was not unwelcome.

**Samayu**

Two months, I realized, had changed me more than I had been aware of before tonight. I felt like a hoyden; never had I been so shameless, so forward, especially when it came to Tamaki. I hadn't even realized I had it in me to be so flirtatious. But when the want for his hand in mine was so great, and he was being so hesitant, I had to take matters into my own hands, quite literally. I was overjoyed by his offer to let me stay at his house, and even happier he had done exactly as I wanted when I'd admitted my puerile fears to him. Even though the idea of getting in a dentist's chair tomorrow and allowing a stranger to poke around mouth with sharp objects was still highly alarming to me, knowing Tamaki was going to be there to pick up the pieces afterwards, when the nerves were sure to make me fall apart, made me strong enough to face it.

* * *

We slipped into the place we had been in two months ago; comfortable with each other, able to laugh easily at each other's jokes and sympathetic towards each other's school related woes. I almost feared it was a dream when I woke up the next morning, afraid to open my eyes lest I should find myself in my own bed facing a day in which I would have to make up an excuse to get out of a dental exam that afternoon, but before I could confirm those fears were irrational, someone lightly shook my shoulder and informed me breakfast was starting in twenty minutes. I opened my eyes and stared into Tamaki's brilliant violet ones and smiled. "I'm getting up," I told him, sitting up in bed and yawning as I stood.

"What are you smiling about?" he asked curiously.

I paused, trying to come up with an adequate answer. I settled upon casting him a meaningful look and replying, "A wonderful dream."

I'm not sure he completely understood that I meant being the way we were was like a dream, but he seemed satisfied with my answer as he crossed out of my room to allow me some privacy as I got ready.

* * *

"Are you ready for this?" Tamaki asked unsurely as he glanced at my expression. I was doing my best to keep from openly displaying how ridiculously nervous I was sitting in the waiting room of the dental clinic, but I knew I was doing so unsuccessfully. I could feel the grimace on my lips. Tamaki, Haruhi, and Kyoya were already through; Haruhi and Kyoya had departed five minutes ago, and Tamaki had reseated himself at my side and taken to playing with my hands again, which I found oddly comforting. Hunny was still in the back, having been escorted by Mori, and I found little satisfaction in knowing I wasn't the only one who needed someone to hold their hand while they faced the dentist. The twins were sitting in chairs at the opposite end of the room, immersed in their handheld gaming devices. They didn't seem concerned about what was to come, and I was merely grateful that they were too absorbed with their games to pay me and my nerves any attention.

"Not ready, no," I breathed out, swallowing back a lump rising in my throat. I refused to cry. Crying would be the most pathetic thing I could possibly do. The smell of this place was permeating my every sense; I could _taste_ the rubbing alcohol in the back of my mouth, the scent was so potent.

"It's alright," he assured me in a soothing tone. "I asked while I was back there if they had anything for nerves… they said you could try laughing gas if you wanted to."

I'd never been on laughing gas before. The idea was strangely repugnant to me, but at the same time, I wanted to try it if there was the chance it would remove me from reality somewhat. "That's not… dangerous, is it?" I asked tentatively.

"Oh, no," he chuckled at my expression. "It's safe. When I got my wisdom teeth out they put me on it… I was barely aware there were other people in the room, let alone they were giving me oral surgery."

The mention of oral surgery didn't do a whole lot for my nerves, but at least I could be sure there was a way to be detached from reality while there was someone poking around in my mouth. I sighed and shut my eyes, resting my head on Tamaki's shoulder. He didn't object. "I want the laughing gas," I mumbled without opening my eyes.

I felt Tamaki shake with silent laughter and his hand stroked my hair. "That can be arranged," he said with amusement in his tone.

"Don't film me on it, okay?" I asked. "I've seen the YouTube videos. I don't want to start babbling about some stupid thing incessantly and have it posted all over the internet."

Tamaki couldn't contain his laughter this time. "I promise," he said.

"Actually, just don't take anything I say seriously."

"Whatever you want," Tamaki vowed, running his fingers through my hair one last time before I heard the door open and someone called my name.

* * *

An hour and countless breaths of nitrous oxide later, I was a little lightheaded, but surprisingly coherent. Tamaki later assured me he was astounded by how well I held up under the effects of the drug; he informed me I had been practically asleep in the dentist's chair, although I remembered the experience a little differently. I had been virtually hallucinating, although of what I didn't exactly remember. It was reassuring to know that I hadn't been speaking; I hadn't, then, in my drug-induced lethargy, admitted that I loved Tamaki. I rather imagined that moment a little more romantic than blurting it out while high on drugs.

Tamaki offered up his home to me again that night and I accepted. We spent the evening poring over books in an attempt to study for our upcoming finals and, after our brains felt strained, trying to make it through the _Lord of the Rings_ trilogy again. We got through the first movie just fine, and as the credits began to roll I felt Tamaki's eyes intently upon me.

I turned to him, expecting him to look away quickly, maybe blushing a little with embarrassment of having been caught staring, but he held my gaze. "What are you looking at?" I asked after a long moment of that; just staring into one another's eyes.

His cheeks turned slightly pink, which I'm sure was shades lighter than my own furious blush, but he still didn't break off our eye contact, slowly inching towards me on the couch. I held my breath as he closed the distance between us, his hand covering mine as he began to lean in towards me. His face was inches from mine when he stopped. "Samayu," he breathed, and the way he said my name sent a shiver down my spine.

"Yes?" the word came out as barely a breath of air.

"I want to kiss you."

I let out a small sound, a muffled cry of delight that I was unable to repress. I had been waiting for something like this for over two months.

That's when I realized it had to be a dream this time. No way was this real life, actually happening to me. But if it was a dream… what harm could there be in letting him kiss me?

"Samayu?" he whispered again, pulling me out of my thoughts. "May I kiss you, Samayu?"

I gave him the most meaningful look that I could and finally found my voice. "Of course."

Slowly, he closed the distance between our lips. This was not my first kiss; Raito had taken that from me long ago, but I found myself thinking of this as my first kiss anyway. This was the first time another person's lips had met mine with my consent, and that made all the difference.

Tamaki's kiss was reverent, gentle; his lips were soft and not seeking anything further than contact with mine. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever experienced, but as he drew away I found myself dissatisfied with the length of the kiss we had shared. I wanted more. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him back towards me, meeting his lips again with mine. I felt him shift on the couch and his hands tenderly cupped my cheeks, as though he was afraid of breaking me.

I imagined deepening the kiss, parting my lips and allowing his tongue to slip through the seam of them, or even taking the initiative to explore his mouth with my tongue – but even as I was thinking of these things, Tamaki broke off the kiss and drew away, smiling warmly. I stared at him, frozen, not sure whether to be disappointed or grateful that he had not allowed it to go further than I was truly ready to go. "Are you all right?" he asked when he saw my expression, his smile faltering.

I shook myself and finally let my lips turn up in a smile. "Better than all right," I informed him very honestly, knowing he had been afraid I was having flashbacks of Raito. "Much better than that."

"Was that… was that your first kiss?" he asked slowly.

I wanted to say yes, but I couldn't bring myself to lie to him, not after what we had just shared. I shook my head and said sadly, "No. But it should have been." I could tell he understood what I meant by the look in his eyes and I asked, "What about you? Was that…?" I let the question hang when I realized how stupid it was. Of course it wasn't his first kiss! He was a host; he put his lips so tantalizingly close to his guest's, barely an inch away, that I could not imagine none of them had never gotten so caught up in the moment they had met his lips with theirs.

Which was why I was so surprised by his answer.

"Yes… yes, it was."

I stared at him. "You're joking."

"No," he smiled at my expression of disbelief. "I may be a host, Samayu, but I am always a gentleman first. Now…" he brushed his lips against my cheekbone, and I shivered with delight. "You should go to bed, Samayu," he said when he drew back again. "You look half-asleep."

And yet my every nerve felt like a live wire. Still, I very much needed time alone to clear my head, to think. I stood up and rushed to the door, overcome by a girlish bout of giggles I struggled to repress, and stopped before leaving the room entirely. I turned back to look at Tamaki, who was standing from his spot on the couch. "Tamaki?"

"Yes, Samayu?"

Blushing furiously, I asked, "Why did… what… Why did you kiss me?" I let out a very shrill gasp as a laugh of utter joy nearly escaped. I forced it back down and remained as calm as I could, even though my entire body trembled as I asked, "Are we… falling in love?"

Tamaki met my gaze, trying to be shameless, but I could see he was as shaken as I was, the pink hue to his cheeks much more prominent than it had been two minutes ago before he'd kissed me, and he was shaking ever so slightly. "Yes, Samayu," he replied. His voice trembled. "I think we are."

I smiled, overcome with delight, and fled from the room before I could erupt into a joyous fit of infatuated exclamations. It wasn't until halfway to my bedroom that I remembered my doubts about this being reality; how sure I had been this was a dream. And as I came to terms with the fact that the kiss was real, not a dream at all, I finally let the ecstatic giggle I'd been repressing slip past my lips.

* * *

**Done! For all the procrastinating I did before writing this chapter, I'm actually very pleased with it. Not bad for a seventeen year old virgin who's never been kissed, hmm? Review, please? The story is slowly coming to an end and I want your feedback as desperately as I'm sure you all want Tamaki and Samayu to just admit they love each other, already! Appease the author and you wishes may just be granted… ^.^**

**Love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	34. Just Kiss Me

**I don't know how much longer this is going to run, but I don't imagine it's going to go (much) farther than Chapter 40. I've recently gotten very into Phantom of the Opera fanfictions by michellemybelle25, and correspondence with her has lit a fire in my soul… I am writing every spare moment I get and I'll be posting chapters whenever I get them done, so check for updates more than just once a week for this story if you're still with me! Oh, and review! I mean, come on, guys – they finally kissed last chapter and you only gave me five reviews?! I'm serious here – the more you hold out on me, the more I will hold out on you!**

**So, let's get this show on the road – enjoy Chapter 34!**

**Disclaimer: Unless you suffer from ridiculous short-term memory loss, you know by now that I own nothing.**

* * *

I woke up smiling.

In over two years, I had never experienced a night of good dreams. My sleep was never dreamless, but if the illusions painted behind my eyelids were not nightmares, they were merely images. Certainly nothing that sent shivers of delight down my spine and eased me into consciousness with a smile on my lips. I sat up in bed and pushed my hair away from my face, the smile stubbornly remaining on my lips regardless of how many times I tried to force my mouth into a straight line.

The urge to see Tamaki again was so great that the only thing that kept me from going to seek him out was the thought that I was not presentable. My hair was dirty and I was dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, and now that I could openly admit I was attracted to him, the thought of letting him see me looking so unappealing was almost repulsive.

I thought about the kiss we had shared every moment it took me to get ready. How soft his lips were, how gently his palms had cupped my cheeks… I wanted those sensations all over again. Tamaki's kiss had made me feel cherished, and I craved that sentiment again more than anything.

I dressed myself in jeans and a green shirt with short sleeves. Two and a half months of not cutting had left my arms scarred, as they would always be, but the white lines were fading. I knew they would never disappear entirely, just as I knew there were procedures I could get to make them go away, but I knew I would never try any of them. My arms and my legs, even my sides, are reminders of what I was – who I was. Because I am doubtlessly a much different person than the cutter-freak I was five months ago.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_We kissed! We kissed! I feel like a schoolgirl whose crush has finally looked her way. My heart is still fluttering. I feel like a different person altogether all because of that one action. I'd mostly given up on being loved and wanted, and now the knowledge that I am wanted, and that Tamaki may even be falling in love with me, has transformed me in ways I never thought possible. _

_My lips are still tingling. Raito's never kissed me like that. And, of course, I've never kissed him back. Tamaki and I had equal parts in this kiss. God, I never knew a kiss could feel so wonderful... _

_Raito kisses me to assert his dominance. Tamaki kissed me for – dare I say it – love. Love! The very word makes me frightened and awestruck at the same time. I'm not prepared yet to let him know how I've felt about him for two months. For now… this is enough. To have him to myself, knowing I'm the only girl he's ever kissed._

_I want to be the only girl he'll ever kiss._

_I want to be his, and I want him to be mine._

* * *

The moment I was ready to head downstairs for breakfast I found myself rendered nervous and unsure of myself. There will still the doubts lingering in my mind of whether or not I had made up the kiss, fabricated it because it was what I wanted so very badly… but mainly, I was anxious because I didn't know what came next. Things obviously weren't the same anymore between us. I mean… did a kiss constitute a full blown relationship? I couldn't be sure, having never been in a relationship. But he'd said we were falling in love… did that make us boyfriend and girlfriend now, or were we just dating, or was it something even less than that? Did I have any claim to him whatsoever?

I set to pacing the carpeted floor in front of my bed, my mind racing as I considered what the day would bring. At least there was one thing I could be sure of – since today was Saturday, I had all weekend to figure it out. All weekend to persuade Tamaki to make me his girlfriend officially. All weekend to prepare for Monday, when I'm sure my blood would begin to boil watching him flirt with his Host Club clientele – and, sadistic and hypocritical that it was, prepare an act of flirting with my own guests to test just how much exactly Tamaki cared about me. A jealous reaction was what I wanted from him… I sought for him to be so mad with envy he would pull me away from those boys and claim me as his.

But that would cause another dilemma entirely, wouldn't it? Tamaki had hordes of fangirls, and if there's one thing I know about fangirls, it's that they're crazy. Doubtlessly, declaring I was in a relationship with Tamaki Suoh, school idol and Host Club prince, would place a target on my back from girls who either wanted him for themselves or had surmised that, since so many of them loved him so much, no one girl should be allowed to stake a claim to him. I had dealt with slander and ridicule for being close to Tamaki before, and for simple reasons such as holding his hand and taking up his time – was I ready for the hell that would break loose should any part of the school catch wind Tamaki and I had kissed, let alone the fact that we might be dating?

No… and yes. No because, while I am much better about ignoring people and have managed to make friends with several of my classmates, even the girls, I wasn't entirely sure such calumny wouldn't send me over the edge and racing back for the blade. And yes, because for Tamaki, I would endure as much as I could and then some… if only for the pleasure of feeling his lips on mine once more.

I shook myself, lurching out of my thoughts for my sanity's sake. Dwelling upon such things all weekend would drive me crazy, and why would I want to waste precious time worrying when I could be spending it around Tamaki instead? There would be plenty of time to think about what came next in our school lives when Monday came, and besides, I didn't even know exactly _what_ Tamaki thought was going on between us yet.

I decided to focus on the more immediate, controllable aspects of my life. First of all, the fact that I was hungry, which could be addressed only too easily if I simply got up the nerve to leave my bedroom and head down to the dining room. So I put aside nerves and doubts and ventured out to greet the day, unsure of what it would bring but confident I would go to bed in the evening just as I had woken up – smiling.

* * *

To my surprise, I was the first one at the breakfast table. Even with all the time I'd spent pacing and worrying in my bedroom, Tamaki had yet to arrive, and my heart ached further with longing to see him with each passing second. I was appalled by my own desire for even a look at him. For the first time in my life, I felt like a normal teenage girl, who pines for her crush and dreams about romantic involvement with him.

I decided against waiting for Tamaki to join me before I took to the food for two reasons; the first being simply that I was hungry and my stomach felt like it was folding in on itself in protest of its emptiness, and the second being that waiting for him would seem presumptuous of our relationship, and if he didn't feel that one even existed I didn't want to be responsible for warding him off – especially not for something so mundane as breakfast!

I had intended to be cool and collected when Tamaki did at last make an appearance, but the moment he came into the dining room and my breath caught in my chest, I knew I was being anything but. Had his hair always been so gold and his violet eyes so deep? Or had I simply been depreciating his features in my head for two months because of my own surmised self-doubts? He was radiant, and at once I found myself frozen and wondering with a slight twinge of panic why he would choose someone as simple as me to fall in love with.

It was Tamaki who was calm and collected between the two of us. He smiled when he saw me seated in my chair with a half-eaten scone on my plate and bid me a good morning as he crossed the threshold into the dining room. I expected him to head for his usual seat on the other side of the table, and was slightly alarmed when he didn't, instead proceeding without hesitation to my side. He leaned his face towards mine and I held my breath, hardly daring to believe it when he placed a tender kiss to my cheek and sat down in the chair next to me. "Did you sleep well?" he inquired, turning his attention to the food laid out across the table.

I remembered to breathe, and as I took a shuddery inhalation of air into my lungs I felt blood rush to my cheeks, revealing both my pleasure and my relief to know that this was real; I had not merely imagined the kiss – and now he had given me another! The only regret I had was that this one had been allotted to my cheek and not my mouth…

"Exceptionally," I replied with some difficulty, still a little winded by my realization. I had to snap out of it. Being too completely infatuated with him would be disconcerting to him for sure. What set me apart from his guests was the way I acted around him – I was aloof for the most part, baring my soul to him only when I needed him immensely. If I were to suddenly lay my affections quite obviously and overpowering at his feet, he would more than likely go running away screaming in the opposite direction. If anything that books tell me are true, I know with a decent amount of confidence that commitment scares men, and God knows how I didn't want Tamaki scared off!

**~Tamaki~**

Tamaki's knees shook with every step as he went down the stairs on his way to the dining room, knowing with certainty that Samayu was already there because Shima had told him as much five minutes ago when she'd come into his bedroom wondering what was taking him so long, since he was usually at breakfast forty minutes ago. He'd been ignoring his stomach, complaining at him for food, as he attempted to figure out just what happened next. He knew he should be the one trying to lay the ground for what exactly it was he and Samayu had when he had been the one to instigate their first kiss, but when she was so unlike any girl he'd met before, how could he be sure where to go from here?

More than anything, he was worried that he would frighten her. She'd suffered at the hands of someone who had overpowered her, forced kisses upon her and then an unspeakable act which Tamaki felt nauseous to even consider, as his ideals were very set in the view that sex was sacred, to be reserved for married couples who were so in love that they had committed their lives to one another. He had been as tender as he possibly could the night before when he'd kissed her – and then when she had kissed him back! He'd dwelled upon the feel of her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him back to her for their lips to meet a second time, for most of the night. It had replayed in his dreams. And he had wanted desperately for more; he had been close to invading her mouth with his tongue and tasting her. But he had no way of knowing if she was ready for such an invasion, and convicted to taking things slowly, he had put an end to their kiss, allowing his lips to brush against her cheek a final time before sending her to bed, which had been an act of cowardice as much as earnest concern for her.

What to do now? He wanted to claim Samayu as his, declare as much to anyone and everyone, and especially to those boys who consisted of her audiences at the Host Club meetings. What he had once mistaken as the protective instinct of a father who wanted to guard his daughter from dishonest suitors he now realized was the unadulterated jealousy of a man despising the idea of the woman he loved interacting with other men. But would such possessive claims endear him to her or make her scared of him? He had no way to be sure. If only he knew what she thought, what she wanted!

He was terrified of his own feelings. Never before had he felt so strongly about another person. Samayu lit his blood on fire. When she was scared, he wanted to chase away what was frightening her. When she was hurt, he wanted send whatever had hurt her into oblivion. When she was sad, he wanted to hold her in his arms and kiss her until she couldn't remember what had upset her in the first place.

He would do anything for her;_ be_ anything for her. His own fervency alarmed him.

Tamaki knew it was impolite to let a lady dine alone, but even as he approached the door of the dining room he wanted to race back upstairs and sort out his tremendous feelings for Samayu. He wasn't sure he was quite yet prepared to face her; a look at her would surely make him melt. He wasn't confident he could resist offering everything he was to her with a single look into those brilliant emerald eyes that held so much fear despite the strong airs she adopted. He would be putty in her hands, letting her mold him into anything she desired. He wanted to give her the world.

Tamaki gathered himself as much as he could before entering the dining room. He swallowed back his immense feelings and held himself tall, exuding confidence when he was anything but sure of himself. Samayu was seated at the table, already halfway through breakfast. She froze when she saw him and Tamaki was unsure how to interpret the way she was looking at him, her expression blank and her eyes filled with awe. "Good morning," he greeted her, shocked when he didn't stutter over the words. Seeing her had very nearly made any coherent thoughts in his head dissolve.

Did she have any idea how beautiful she was? Had anyone ever told her? Had anyone even taken the time to admire her defined cheekbones that turned adorably pink when she was embarrassed, or her full, rosy lips, the top which curved into a perfect arrow's bow? Had anyone ever marveled at her eyelashes, full and dark crescents that were so long they brushed the delicate tips of her cheekbones? Or her eyes – oh, her eyes! Eyes that were so green and bright and held more emotion than Tamaki had ever thought possible, eyes that grew impossibly greener when she cried and brighter when she smiled.

Even her hair added to her ethereal beauty. Tamaki wanted to run his hands through it far more often than the few times she had allowed him to and memorize each natural wave that rippled through it. Her hair was brown indoors and shone with strawberry hues in the sunlight, and when she moved the feathery ends of it fluttered ever so slightly. Every time he thought about how soft, how silky her thick hair felt cascading through his fingers, a shiver ran up his spine, not an unpleasant one.

Tamaki's eyes flickered for one moment towards his usual chair, and at once the thought of being so far away from Samayu when she was all he'd thought about for the last several hours was unbearable. He strode with more assurance than he possessed towards her and, before he had time to second guess his actions or know regret for what he was about to do, bent down and bestowed a kiss to her soft cheek. She gasped softly as his lips brushed against her skin, and Tamaki prayed she couldn't see through his calm and collected façade to the panic and uncertainty swirling in a chaotic array inside his head and heart. "Did you sleep well?" he asked, averting his eyes from her and concentrating rather intently upon breakfast, allowing his thoughts some time to collect.

Her response took a few moments. When he glanced at her, he saw her cheeks had turned vibrantly pink and there was the slightest smile on her lips. "Exceptionally," she said breathlessly, and how Tamaki reveled in the knowledge that it was he who had taken her breath away! She inhaled deeply, taking in air that he heard rattle as it entered her lungs, and asked in a much calmer tenor, "What are the plans for today?"

He had none. How could he have formulated plans for today when all through the night he had been so mesmerized by what had happened yesterday? If it were up to him, today would consist of spending every precious moment in her presence, kissing her over and over until at last any reservations towards such kisses crumbled and he could taste her at last, and allow her to taste him. "I'm afraid I didn't make any," he said guardedly, hoping she wouldn't interpret that the wrong way. An empty day stretched before her as she sat next to a boy who had kissed her… would such a revelation frighten her into thinking his intentions were less than honorable?

But she only smiled in response and indulged in another bite of her scone. "We'll think of something," she said assuredly. Her confidence was endearing, and Tamaki fought back an impulse to kiss her cheek again. "I wouldn't even mind going back to the zoo," she added, blushing deeper ever so slightly. Tamaki found he was pleased that he hadn't sat in his usual seat, for he would have never noticed the way her cheeks had grown the tiniest shade darker in hue from across the table.

"To the beach," Tamaki suggested lightheartedly, knowing with certainty that he didn't care what they did, as long as they were together. "Or a fair. Even an aquarium. We could even go golfing, if you'd like."

Samayu laughed, soft peals of wordless amusement that tugged the corners of Tamaki's lips into a smile, and she shook her head. "Handing me a golf club would be disastrous."

"All right then, Princess, what would you like to do?" the word slipped past his lips without much forethought, and he was horrified with himself immediately. The nickname hung in the air horribly between them, and he knew by the way her smile faltered that she did not appreciate the playful title.

"I'm not one of your guests, Tamaki." She spoke softly. There was no anger in her tone; only a hollow quality that made Tamaki's heart ache to hear it. "Such titles don't suit me. I'm no princess from a fairytale. If anything, I'm the unfortunate victim of a horror story. Don't liken me to… to those girls. Please."

He had been too intently focused on her expression, especially the tears gathering at the corners of her eyes, to notice the way her hand had been moving towards his, and he gasped when she found it and entwined her fingers in his. "I just want to be Samayu to you," she admitted, raising her eyes to his. He almost lost himself in their vibrant green. "Is that acceptable to you?"

How he wanted to atone for his mistake! A simple slip of the tongue, a thoughtless comment very nearly programmed into him from his last two years of offering compliments and endearing nicknames to guests, and he had hurt the girl who was the farthest thing from a guest he had ever known! She was so much more than that. His sweet words to her were not an act fabricated to placate the heart of a guest; they were vows, supported by unspoken promises of love and unwavering devotion. How to prove it to her?

As a tear slid down her cheek, he threw pride and gentlemanly conduct out the window as he watched the hand she did not have in his lift towards her face to wipe it away with trembling fingers. He caught the wrist of that hand, stopping it halfway in its ascent. "I'll get it," he smiled at her sweetly, and he felt her muscles tense as he leaned forward and kissed the tear away. He licked the salty taste from his lips and then lowered his head again, placing a gentle kiss to her lips. Pulling away and releasing her wrist, he assured her, "You are _always_ Samayu to me."

Her cheeks were not merely pink any longer; his bold actions had turned her entire face red, hopefully with infatuation at the very least. "That's… that's all right, then," she replied rather lamely, staring at him with wide eyes that no longer harbored tears. Tamaki was rather pleased with himself. She was such an articulate person, and he had very obviously rendered her speechless.

"Why don't we finish breakfast," Tamaki suggested, his confidence renewed when he saw the effect he had on her; it was almost as strong as the way she affected him. "And we can figure our day out from there." She only nodded in reply.

* * *

**~Samayu~**

We ended up spending all day at the aquarium, after ten minutes of deliberation in Tamaki's living room in which we settled upon what to occupy our time with by writing down each activity on separate slips of paper and throwing them in a bowl, after which that was done I had the honor of fishing out one of the slips and therefore indirectly deciding what we did today. And so, a trip to the aquarium it was.

Our excursion was certainly distracting me from my uncommon, rather intimidating urges to kiss Tamaki every time I laid eyes on him. His must have been repressed as well in his excitement, because the kiss he'd given me to placate my anxiety at breakfast was the last one we shared until much later in the day. Tamaki's childlike awe at everything we witnessed at the aquarium – dolphins, sharks, stingrays, even an underwater mermaid show in which women wearing sparkling tails over their legs performed a synchronized underwater routine for the aquarium patrons – made me both smile with amusement and shake my head at his naivety. Not everything was worth enthusiastic exclamations of praise, but Tamaki treated the world like a place where everything should be seen with some aspect of beauty, however small.

Late that afternoon, when I felt thoroughly exhausted and we had come to our final stop before we were going to leave, I found myself alone with Tamaki in a glass tunnel surrounded by an underwater world where eels and manta rays swum all around us and over our heads. It was a rare moment when we were not surrounded by tourists or families out for a day of togetherness, and I was about to say something about it when Tamaki wrapped an arm around my waist and drew me into him, planting a kiss on my mouth that made my knees shake. This was not a gentle kiss; it was laced with urgency and need, as though he had been waiting all day for a moment such as this, when we found ourselves alone at last and neither of us would have to worry about being self conscious as our lips met.

He drew away far too soon for my liking, and I let out a noise of protest and wrapped my arms around his neck, trying to pull him back towards me. He shook his head adamantly, smiling as he said reluctantly, "Someone could walk in at any moment and see us, Samayu."

"I don't care," I informed him fiercely, and he stopped shaking his head when he heard the resoluteness of my rebuttal. "Just kiss me, Tamaki. Kiss me."

He was frozen in place for all of a second, replaying my request in his mind, and then he grinned. "Whatever the lady wants."

I lost myself in the sensation of his lips on mine for a second time, clasping my arms resolutely behind his neck for fear he would pull away again too soon, before I'd had my fill of this most wonderful of sensations. I smiled briefly before I was too caught up in his mouth and the way it was upon mine to smile anymore, feeling the hand on my waist tighten as his other hand cupped my cheek, his fingertips creeping into my hairline. His mouth moved tenderly against mine, the urgency from the first kiss he'd bestowed upon me replaced with reverence. I moved my lips in much the same way, terrified of my own inadequacy in the matter of kissing someone back when all I'd ever done before, when being kissed by Raito, was purse my lips and go rigid, waiting for it to end. Doubtlessly he could feel the way I trembled, or perhaps it was the both of us.

I hated pulling away for even those brief fractions of seconds when I had to breathe, but Tamaki's mouth always caught mine again when I barely had enough air in my lungs to last me a few blissful moments more. He was so gentle with me, and I knew I wanted more. I yielded to my own desire and parted my willing, yearning lips, allowing Tamaki's tongue to meet mine for the first time. I'd no idea what to expect when I'd thought of French kissing before, and I'd even thought of the idea of someone's tongue entwining with mine as repulsive, but this… this was anything but. I lost myself willingly to the taste of him as he explored the contours of my mouth, and I took the liberty to do the same after our next resurface, gasping for air before the throngs of exhilaration and the desire to lengthen the kiss pulled us under again.

_This was what it means to be loved_, I found myself thinking. I became acutely aware of the way I was arching my body into his, a reaction I could not control as his tongue darted past my lips again. Was this arousal? I'd never felt this way before, my stomach fluttering and hot, my mind an explosion of nothing but Tamaki, his hands on me and his lips on mine and his taste and his scent and how much I wanted this forever. This was the sweetest intoxication. Nothing in the world had ever felt like this. Had I truly once wanted to lose myself to dreams? This reality was so much better!

The high-pitched shriek of disgust was what jolted us both out of our fervent kissing, and Tamaki and I pulled away from each other and looked towards the source. Tamaki's cheeks were pink from the adrenaline the kiss had brought on and I was sure mine were as well, but when we looked towards the family – a mother, a father, a young girl and an even younger boy – who had walked into the tunnel and witnessed our display of infatuation with one another, the blood rushed hot and fast to my face with pure embarrassment. It was a young boy who'd cried out; disgusted, as young boys often are, by seeing two teenagers kissing.

Tamaki's hand clutched at mine as he grinned at the parents, who were very obviously amused by the expression of horror on my face. The mother seemed to be trying to hide a smile behind her hand. "We're terribly sorry about that," Tamaki apologized, though he didn't sound like he meant it. "I do hope we didn't just ruin your visit."

The mother finally laughed aloud. "Oh, I remember the days when we couldn't help it," she told us, indicating her husband. "Young love is so passionate… but I'd suggest saving future kisses like that for places where young boys won't ruin the magic of it!"

"Absolutely. Duly noted," Tamaki nodded, still grinning. I groaned and hid my face behind the hand Tamaki wasn't holding. "Have a nice rest of your day." He started pulling me away, out of the tunnel and out into the front entrance of the aquarium, laughing. "You are adorable when you're embarrassed."

"Oh, lord, I've never been so humiliated!" I whispered, still mortified. We had just ruined some poor little boy's trip to the aquarium. He had wanted to see stingrays and had instead walked in upon two hormonal teenagers making out.

"_You _were the one who said you didn't care," Tamaki reminded me teasingly, twirling a strand of my hair around one of his fingers.

"Because I didn't… at the time," I admitted, biting my lip. "I never thought a family with a couple of kids would catch us!"

"Maybe we're lucky they did," Tamaki smiled, flashing me a mischievous glance that would have put some of the twins' to shame. "I'm not so sure I would have been able to stop kissing you if they hadn't."

I would have been fine with that.

"Did you have fun today?" Tamaki asked, tucking the strand of my hair he'd been playing with behind my ear and smiling as he looked into my eyes.

"I particularly enjoyed that last part," I replied, refusing to let my insecurity get the best of me now, of all times.

Tamaki straightened his posture. "Shall we head home?"

I smiled and nodded, raising myself up on my tiptoes to graze a kiss to his cheek. "Home," I agreed, watching with satisfaction as pink flooded his cheeks with a blush.

* * *

I picked up the remote and paused the movie just before the appearance of the first ent.

"Samayu!" Tamaki protested at once, tearing his rapt attention away from the screen as he tried to grab the remote from me. "What was that for?"

"I'm sorry," I apologized dishonestly, betraying how very unapologetic I was with a grin. I gestured to the screen, where the second _Lord of the Rings _movie remained frozen. "But need I remind you that you've seen this before?"

"These movies are long and confusing! You expected me to retain all this information on the first go around?" Tamaki challenged, pouting rather exaggeratedly. I got the feeling he was more upset that I was teasing him rather than the fact that I had paused the movie.

"I'm sorry," I repeated, more earnestly this time. I'd better ask now, before I lost my resolve. "But… I just really need to ask you something. It's driving me crazy."

Maybe my voice had turned more serious than I had meant it to, because Tamaki's expression at once flooded with concern. "Are you alright?"

"Fine!" I said hurriedly. I loved the way he got concerned, but I didn't want him to be over this… especially when I was so unsure of myself and it had taken me all throughout dinner and the beginning of the movie to finally build up the nerve to ask.

"What is it?" He asked, shifting himself in a way that gave me his full, undivided attention. Those violet eyes pierced my soul and my resilience nearly crumbled.

"I just… I need to know… what _this_… is," I finished. It was a rather anticlimactic request. "I mean… what are we?"

"What are we?" he repeated the question. "I don't understand. We're human… but I suppose that's not the answer you were looking for?" he asked as I shook my head. He pursed his lips in concentration and tried again. "Do you mean… oh!" his eyes widened as he realized the full depth of my question. "Us… this…" he smiled and shook his head. I sucked in a sharp breath, interpreting that as rejection, but he continued. "I didn't realize you hadn't come to the same conclusion as I had," he admitted rather sheepishly, and his hand found mine. Each time our palms touched I felt a jolt of pleasure run up my arm and down my spine. "I would like your permission, Samayu, to make you my girlfriend," he stated softly.

God, that was sappy! Straight out of a romance novel, the kind that I typically can't stand _because _they are so sappy! But he was so earnest, and so hopeful, and somehow he had pulled the words I had wanted him to say the most right out of the air. How was I to refuse? Why would I even want to? "As long as that means you're my boyfriend," I whispered back, blushing.

Tamaki raised my hand to his lips and kissed the peak of my knuckles. I sighed contentedly. "I consider it an honor and a privilege."

"Oh, what a line!" I laughed as I leaned in and pressed my lips to his.

* * *

The credits started rolling and Tamaki stretched out his arms. I was seated next to him with my knees tucked under myself, curled into his side. "Shall we watch the next?" he asked, smiling as he ran his fingers through my hair. "Or would you prefer to go to bed?"

I was tired. There was no denying it. My eyelids were drooping and my voice slurred with exhaustion. It had been a struggle to remain awake for the duration of the film, but I had been determined to savor every moment I spent snuggled up next to Tamaki. "Bed…" I mumbled, loath to end this, the way our bodies were pressed together, but knowing I wouldn't be able to remain conscious much longer. I started to get up when Tamaki did, but before I had even placed my feet on the floor Tamaki had lifted me into his arms and was cradling me against his chest. I was both delighted and appalled. "What are you doing?"

"You're about to collapse, you're so tired," Tamaki accused gently. "You truly thought I'd allow you to walk to your bedroom?"

"I've no objections," I breathed, nuzzling my face into his chest and shutting my eyes. The sway of his gait was comforting, and I could tell he was going at a slow pace. I couldn't be sure if that was because carrying me was slowing him down or if he wanted to draw out this moment. Somehow, I felt it was the second.

The metronome beating of his heart was like a lullaby, and I lost myself to sleep long before we arrived at my bedroom. It wasn't for a long time until I pulled myself out of darkness and found myself in bed, still fully clothed and beneath the covers, the same smile on my lips that I had woken up with the last time. I had almost hoped Tamaki would stay and sleep beside me, but then again, I supposed such an action would be improper… and besides, we had so much time! We were young, I was in love, and as far as I knew, he was falling for me. Elation couldn't come close to describing what I felt each time I thought of that. Bliss, perhaps, was a more accurate word, but even that didn't seem potent enough.

I got up long enough to change into something more comfortable to sleep in and took a moment to brush my teeth and run a comb through my hair, before running eagerly back to bed to lose myself in dreams, where the illusion of Tamaki my subconscious painted was almost as perfect as the real one.

* * *

**And that's chapter 34! I'm trying out this new style of writing where I explore every thought in the characters' heads. Did you like it? I think it's some of the best writing I've ever done, personally… also, I broke 100,000 words with this chapter! Woohoo!**

**Okay, people, here's where I get serious. REVIEW! This chapter took a surprising amount out of me, especially since I have no idea what kissing is like. Did I do a good job describing Tamaki and Samayu's? Give me your feedback. Trust me, everything helps… and also, I'm a brat and I want your commentary!**

**Anyway, keep checking for updates now that I've got this fire in my blood. I've been slowly building up to this ending for a long time, guys, and next chapter is the beginning of the end, as some might say. And now, here's what I really want to discuss with you – how would you feel about a lemon to round this fanfiction off when it gets there? Yes, I just said **_**lemon**_**. Think about it, people! I love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	35. Always Yours

**Lots of positive feedback! Thank you! I have to say, I am very excited for this chapter. Before you get too excited, no, this is not lemon chapter. That is being saved for the finale. :) **

**I****'m being very proactive with my writing right now; corresponding with two published authors really gets you motivated to write something – for lack of a better term – worthy of their excellence! So, I hope you enjoy Chapter 35 as you've enjoyed my previous chapters, and let's get going!**

**Disclaimer: Gotta say, coming up with interesting disclaimers is not something I'll miss. I own nothing!**

* * *

"Tamaki, stop," I mumbled, blood rushing to my cheeks to betray my embarrassment when he tried to kiss me just before we were to open the doors to the club room. Even though it was obvious there was something going on between us, since the atmosphere surrounding us was vastly different than it had ever been, I still wasn't keen on giving the twins something to ogle at – and then interrogate me about later. "People will see."

"I've been waiting all day to kiss you and all you give me is rejection?" Tamaki pouted, with the air he often got that threatened his retirement to his "corner of gloom," as Mori and I had christened it a few weeks earlier. Whenever he didn't get his way, he'd grow pale and curl up in a corner looking miserable until we all finally conceded to his, more often than not, incessant whims. While I wanted to kiss him as well – badly – I still wasn't sure I wanted everyone to know doubtlessly that we were officially a couple.

"Later," I vowed, longing dearly to graze my lips against his cheek but combating the impulse into submission; what a hypocrite I would be, warning him against kissing me and then being so bold as to bestow one upon him!

It had been over a week since our first kiss and the oh-so-humiliating yet completely wonderful kiss at the aquarium, and while most people in the Host Club could tell that Tamaki and I were quite plainly more involved with one another, none of them were quite yet aware we had made the transition from dating into being boyfriend and girlfriend. Especially because we hadn't even technically dated before we became a couple. My desired plan was to keep up this façade for another week or two and announce the truth once everyone had gotten used to the idea of _Tamaki and Samayu_.

Tamaki disagreed. I'd been forced to tackle him the first Monday we were back at school after we established our coupleship to keep him from announcing it to the world. I'd placated him with a kiss in one of the back rooms and had been holding them over his head so he would go along with what I wanted. I think he's completely aware that I don't hold nearly as much power as I pretend I do, but perhaps it's just one of the implications that he cares for me, since he complies. If he was to hold kisses for ransom on me, I've no doubt I'd cave to his will just as easily.

Barely over a week, and I'm already addicted to them. At first I wanted to kiss him all the time because it was new and exciting, now it's because, when he'd finally abandoned the pretense I would break in his hands and began to kiss me more vigorously, he made me feel things I'd never felt before… things I was rather eager to explore. I doubt I'd ever known true desire before Tamaki's kisses.

The only person who wasn't ignorant to the true nature of my relationship with Tamaki was Kyoya, and this was because Tamaki had told him. I didn't begrudge him that; while Kyoya still rubs me mostly the wrong way, he _is_ Tamaki's best friend. And besides, Kyoya is so damn intuitive he'd know just by looking at us that there was something more going on with Tamaki and me than merely "dating." He assured me he would keep quiet – if we kept the nature of our relationship secret from the club's clientele. There's always a price with Kyoya, but for once I was happy to concede. I wasn't eager for the fangirls to tear me apart for stealing their idol from their clutches.

That wasn't to say that dating Tamaki in secret didn't have more drawbacks than I'd anticipated. The first day back at school at the Host Club meeting since our first kiss, I had toned down the amount of flirting I'd been doing with my regulars. Flirting hadn't felt natural to me in the first place, so drawing back from it had been too easy. I enjoyed conversing with the boys who came for an audience with me almost more than I had enjoyed flirting with them. Tamaki, however, made no such efforts.

Even though I knew in my head and my heart that none of it was real, that all the sweet words Tamaki uttered to his clientele were backed by absolutely nothing, I couldn't keep the envy from flaring in my chest watching him entertain them. His lips tantalizingly close to theirs… although none had ever dared before, I swiftly entertained jealous fantasies that they would suddenly find the nerve to kiss him. He showered them with constant praise and complimented their every nuances, and while such regular admiration bestowed upon me would have irritated me to no end, I couldn't help but think all those compliments were somehow _mine_, and he was giving what was mine away much too freely.

I had always assumed love would come easily, that once I finally found it forgiving the faults of the man I loved would be simple. How wrong I had been! A heart in love is a jealous heart indeed.

After that first day ended I had been furious with him. I was making attempts to keep him from wanting to tear me away from my admirers; why wasn't he doing the same? Before the kiss, I had spent countless days studying him and his interaction with clients from afar, but as I'd never had any claim to him the envy hadn't grown nearly this bad. And I wasn't sure if it was my heightened sensitivity or not, but to me it seemed he had more compliments for those girls in his repertoire than ever before. I'd been shaking with both anger and anxiety by the end of the meeting, furious with Tamaki for doing nothing to appease me like I was appeasing him, but I was also worried the intensified praise for the other girls was implication he didn't care for me… that he had just been playing a game with me all weekend.

Fears leftover from that nightmare I'd suffered in a fevered delirium two months ago, no doubt, but I was terrified there was some merit to them after all.

I'd wanted to explode. I felt like there was an impossible hurricane swirling inside my chest, picking up every emotion caused by my infatuated heart and twisting them into scraps of unrecognizable debris until love was buried deep beneath mistrust and resentment. Kyoya saw my impending tempest before I had the chance to unleash it and placated me in his own way; firstly, by giving me someone to direct my loathing at other than my boyfriend, and secondly, to inform me it was he who had instructed Tamaki to act like nothing was different. If the king were to show some reservation, their revenue would take one hell of a hit. He advised me to revert back to my usual routine of flirting with my own clients, but I refused. It didn't feel right, and damned if I was going to pick it up where I had left off just to make Tamaki mad. I did have _some_ integrity left.

But today was not a good day for me. I'll admit, I've been temperamental for a couple of days now, as my birth control pills have cycled back around to that god-awful fourth week of placebos rather than actual drugs. I contemplated going off the pills when I bought my house as an act of defiance, somehow claiming my right to my own body, but the fears always lingered in the back of my mind that Raito would… I stopped myself from thinking about it. But also, knowing when PMS is going to hit with vigor helps me sort out my feelings between normal annoyed and going-to-strangle-something irritated.

I've no doubt that I was a disappointment to my clients today. I can't recall ever having been more distracted. Some poor first year in Class B who I'd spoken to all of once before today had to repeat a question three times before I even comprehended he was speaking to me – even worse, because I was the only person he could have been speaking to. The guys don't really talk to each other, unless it's arguing to prove some point. They all want to be right, they all want to be more intelligent, they all want to be more impressive. I think they're trying to impress me, but mostly I just find listening to them argue entertaining.

I never used to be so petty. Before I was Tamaki's girlfriend, the only thought I had towards the girl with the unfortunate carp-like appearance was just that; how unfortunate for her. Today, watching Tamaki never cease his radiant smile as he complimented her on how pretty she was and how intelligent she was – after she misquoted Shakespeare so horribly I had to wonder if she had some sort of grudge against the man – I felt like I was going to burst into flames, I was so mad at her. Just for being there. Sitting next to Tamaki and soaking up his compliments like a sponge, believing every word he spoke about her beauty and intelligence.

Tamaki never told me I was pretty or smart. Well… maybe once, when I first came to a Host Club meeting, but it didn't mean anything back then. The best I'd gotten since was that I'm "always myself." I don't even know what that means. How could I be anything but?

The best I can say is that I refrained from doing anything too hasty… until after the club sent away all the guests. I knew Kyoya was going to be furious with me for what I was about to do, but for once I didn't care. How was I supposed to just look away all the time and pretend my boyfriend wasn't shamelessly flirting with other girls when he was doing it not ten feet away from me? Yes, I knew it wasn't real in my head. My heart was trying to make me believe otherwise. It hurt the way I imagine having a knife twisted into your chest would hurt. I just wanted to establish that no matter what he said to those girls, I was the one he cared about the most. I didn't want it to be some huge secret anymore. I wanted other people to know we were together. I wanted them to.

So I ignored all logic that kept saying Kyoya would kill me and the twins would nag me until I died and I might even traumatize Hunny, who acts so much like a little kid I forget on a regular basis that he is actually eighteen. I shoved aside doubts and insecurities and did what I thought must be done. "Tamaki!" I exclaimed the moment the last girl had left the room, grinning, getting up out of my chair and heading straight towards him. I've never done that before. We keep a safe distance after club meetings. We never headed straight for one another.

Tamaki turned around, looking slightly baffled beneath his obvious delight I was approaching him. "Samayu? What is—?"

I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. Right in the middle of the room in front of God and everybody. I shut my eyes and blocked out Hunny's gasp and the twins obnoxious cheering and a repeated, irritable clicking sound that I was positive was coming from Kyoya's pen. I kissed Tamaki. But he didn't kiss me back.

His hands found my shoulders after a moment. I had stunned him into immobilization for a few seconds with my unexpected act. But the fact he was pushing me away wounded me. He loved kissing me. He'd told me so himself several times in the last few days. Why didn't he kiss me back? "Samayu," he said quietly as I looked up at him with unguarded hurt. His face was red with embarrassment. "What are you doing?"

I stared at him defiantly. I wanted to do this _my_ way. "I'm kissing my boyfriend," I stated shamelessly, planting a kiss to the corner of his lips and grinning when I felt it twitch. I was getting to him.

"You said later," he reminded me, struggling to repress a smile of delight. "Usually that means after we've adjourned."

"It _is_ later," I pointed out at once, tempting him by kissing the arch of his top lip. My goal wasn't to kiss him in front of the rest of the club any longer. It was getting him to kiss me. Then they would all know he had staked as much of a claim to me as I had to him.

"Samayu," he repeated himself, and his grin broke free at last as I kissed the corner of his mouth I hadn't gotten to yet. "Goodness, you're determined!"

"You're _mine_," I finally burst, appalled by the whine in my tone. "Not theirs… not theirs." I had never been so clingy and pathetic in my life! Shouldn't I be ashamed of myself right now? Because the most potent feeling I'm getting is pride for my actions. I'm very content with myself for saying what I've wanted to say for a week.

And at long last, he gave me what I wanted. "Of course I'm yours," he said softly, smiling as he lifted his hands to my cheeks. "I'm always yours." The moment he met his lips with mine a shudder ran down my spine and I had to remember to remain standing because my knees felt ready to give way. Why hadn't he kissed me like this before? With passion and intensity and urgency, like he was trying to convey several years' worth of emotions with a single action. I couldn't quite tell whose tongue was whose anymore. It was disorienting and yet strangely perfect. How did his lips stay so soft when mine were chapped from all the kissing we'd been doing? And wait… what was he doing with his hand? One remained on my cheek, but the other one was traveling down my side to my waist, pulling my body closer into his even as I arched towards him. Did this really have to end? I wanted to bend time and force it to keep me here forever, kissing the boy I love in this exact way. Who knew when I'd have this feeling again? Who knew if Tamaki would ever kiss me like this again? Better not to risk never – I'd rather just stay here.

**~Tamaki~**

Needless to say, the last week's club meetings had been excruciating for Tamaki. Everything was different now that he and Samayu were together. Each second he saw her he wanted to wrap his arms around her, kiss her, anything to claim her and calm her constant worries over having dreamed everything between them up. Though she hadn't admitted in to him outright, he could tell by the way she clung so desperately to every kiss, every touch, that she was terrified of either losing it or imagining it.

The very first Monday back at school after he'd kissed Samayu for the first time, Tamaki had been eager to stake a claim to Samayu, attempting to announce her as his girlfriend to just the club members. He'd gotten the wind knocked out of his lungs when Samayu barreled into him, dragging him into the back room before he'd gotten the announcement made. She'd begged him to keep it secret for now, claimed she wasn't ready for everyone to know yet. And the way she had kissed him… if that was how she'd always persuade him, she'd have immense power over him for the rest of their lives. So he'd agreed, reluctantly.

The meeting itself had brought upon an entirely new dilemma. So, like he always did, he'd confided in Kyoya. He talked to Kyoya about everything. Even though his best friend acted passive towards everything that didn't directly involve him, Tamaki knew somewhere behind his guarded indifference that he actually cared. His concern had been, of course, the club. He hated the idea of flirting with his clients in front of Samayu when she was already so insecure, but at the same time couldn't bear the thought of hurting the feelings of so many girls if he stopped offering them compliments. For so many of them, that was the only praise they heard during a day. It was his duty to give that to them, but how could he when guilt would be sure to be eating away at him every second?

Kyoya's solution had been to keep things as they were. It made no difference either way what Tamaki and Samayu did after the club adjourned – what mattered was the way they acted while meetings were in session. And Tamaki's actions mattered much more than hers. Samayu's revenue had thrived the last two and a half months she'd spent hosting by merely conversing with her audiences. She had only recently begun to experiment with flirting, and if she reverted back to making no more than polite conversation, it would make no difference. But if Tamaki were to cease the unending compliments and praise offered to his clients, his revenue – and incidentally, the club's – would take a detrimental hit.

Tamaki had wanted to discuss this with Samayu himself, but Kyoya had shot him down, assuring him that he'd handle it. Tamaki wasn't sure exactly how well his friend had handled it, but Samayu hadn't said anything on the subject. He noticed she'd desisted flirting with her clients, but that was the biggest change in the way she acted during meetings.

If he didn't count the fact that she stared at him much of the time. He could feel her eyes on him, an intense gaze that made shivers run up and down his spine. Every time he'd dared to look back at her, he'd caught brief and endearing glimpses of yearning in her eyes before she looked away, blushing.

Perhaps he'd been overcompensating for a week, trying too hard to hide the fact he was so completely in love with Samayu by increasing and intensifying the compliments he gave to his guests. He had so many more lately, though! All, of course, inspired by Samayu. She'd allowed him to take her to dinner almost every night for a week, where they talked about everything but the club meetings and spent several minutes at a time kissing after the bill had been paid. He'd come up with so many lines by merely being in her presence, and knowing how she despised being treated like a guest, he'd swallowed them back and used them where they would be appreciated. He'd not given a thought to their potency or the sheer amount of them.

Not, at least, until today.

He and Samayu had agreed not to interact too much during and after club meetings in front of the other members, for fear they'd be suspected of being a couple. But as soon as the audiences ended and Tamaki was trying to figure out the quickest way to end the club meeting so he and Samayu could head to dinner and possibly even a late movie, he heard her call his name. An involuntary grin crept across his lips, but even his delight to hear his name on her lips couldn't keep his confusion at bay when he turned around and saw her striding towards him at a rapid pace. Why was she suddenly approaching him so urgently? Was she all right? "Samayu?" he asked, somewhat concerned. "What is—?"

Good lord, were those her lips on his all of a sudden? She'd pressed them against his so quickly he'd missed it. Her arms were around his neck, her fingertips creeping into the hair at the nape of his neck, causing a tremble to rack his entire body. What was this all about?! They'd agreed a week ago… she'd begged him not to do just this, prevented him from kissing her not an hour and a half ago! He should be at least a little upset with her, but when her mouth was moving so fervently against his, how was he to think anything towards her but love, attraction – desire? He kept telling himself to kiss her back – god, he wanted to kiss her back! – but the suddenness of her actions had rendered him completely immobile.

When sense found him at last and he realized that every club member was staring at Samayu and him – the twins were even cheering – it took him all his willpower to grip her shoulders and gently pry her away. "Samayu," he bid softly, his heart lurching when he saw how hurt she was by his rejection, however brief it would last and however much it had killed him to do so. "What are you doing?"

Her green eyes flashed fire, and it made him want her all the more. "I'm kissing my boyfriend," she informed him fiercely. He hadn't seen such passion in her since she'd insisted he kiss her at the aquarium. But lord, when she kissed the corner of his lips and left it at that, made no further motion to make it a true kiss… how it made him ache! He was shocked he had enough resolution left to refrain from devouring her mouth with his at once.

"You said later," Tamaki tried to remind her. He couldn't be entirely certain those were the exact words that he managed to form, when he was so overpowered by torrential waves of longing to feel his lips on hers. He wanted to be stern with her, even punish her for this thinly veiled hypocrisy presented in this kiss, but when all the yearning in the world was staring back at him inside those marvelous green eyes, how could he possibly be angry? It was a struggle even to speak through his own desire. "Usually that means after we've adjourned."

She smiled devilishly and leaned her face towards his again, teasing him by brushing a feather-light kiss to the small divot of his upper lip. "It _is_ later," she told him with a purr to her voice. Once again, Tamaki's resolve shook. He wanted this so badly! How could he even think of denying her this, especially when every cell in his body was begging him to give in?

"Samayu," he said, making one last feeble bid against her. She didn't listen to his weak protest. She inclined her head ever-so-slightly and kissed the opposite corner of his mouth. Tamaki's knees shook. He couldn't remember why he was supposed to be mad at her. He couldn't remember why he wanted this to stop. The grin he'd been wrestling against finally broke free across his lips as he exclaimed, "Goodness, you're determined!"

"You're _mine_," she whined, shaking Tamaki to his very core as she nuzzled her face into his chest, her arms finally releasing his neck and wrapping instead around his torso. "Not theirs," she whispered into the hollow of his throat. "Not theirs."

He hadn't realized before that Samayu wanted him to be hers as much as he wanted her to be his. It was abruptly very clear to him why she had ceased flirting with her guests and why she had been staring so intently at him as he continued to flirt with his. How much had she been suffering through, watching him with his guests over the last week? Listening as he gave away compliments to them that had always been meant to be hers?

Oh, god… he wouldn't feel so horrible if he truly had kept things as they were when concerning his clients, but he had changed everything. He'd been indulging in offering more praise than ever before. His compliments were sweeter and more compelling than they had ever been. What it must have been doing to her, especially when she had taken a step backwards with the way she interacted with her guests!

He had to apologize. He had to atone. He had to make Samayu see that every word given so freely to his guests was empty, and that every word he gave her was steeped in promises of always. What could he do but pour every apology and assurance into one kiss? He'd give her the words later, but for now…

Tamaki reached up and cupped her cheeks in his palms, slowly turning her face up towards his. He wanted her to look at him, to see the sincerity in his eyes when he vowed softly, "Of course I'm yours. I'm always yours."

He had intended for the kiss he granted her to be soft and earnest, but the moment his lips met hers all reason faded and he only knew that he wanted to _kiss_ her. Almost instinctually, he moved his mouth vehemently against hers and she responded with equal vigor, tracing his lips with her tongue and teasing him to surrender to the longing already pushing him towards the edge. His tongue slipped into her mouth and he coated his taste buds with her sweetness, his hand moving unconsciously down her side until it rested on her hip, coaxing her willing body further towards his. God, this entire display made him ache! He was not ignorant of the effect a woman can have on a man, and he was suddenly painfully aware of the fact that, in drawing her nearer, he was on the verge of inadvertently revealing the tangible proof of his desire to Samayu.

With a gasp, he broke the kiss and gently moved Samayu away from his body, though not too far. He'd seen the hurt rejecting her had caused inside her eyes once already; he was not eager to see it again. He looked at his girlfriend with pride swelling in his chest; she was so beautiful! Her cheeks were vibrantly pink and there was a coy smile on her kiss-swollen lips, and she was breathing heavily as she recovered from what kissing did to her ability to draw air into her lungs. Her emerald eyes were bright and filled to the brim with pleasure.

The twins shattered the moment with their exclamations.

Kaoru's hollers made Samayu blush further. "Way to go, Milord!"

"We knew there was something going on between you two, but _damn_!" Hikaru grinned devilishly, flashing Tamaki a thumbs-up.

Tamaki chuckled when Samayu groaned and buried her face in her hands, much like she had done the last time they had been witnessed kissing. He leaned over and murmured in her ear, "I'll bet you miss that family that walked in on us in the aquarium now, don't you?"

"You have _no_ idea." Her voice was muffled and thick with humiliation, but beneath all that he could still tell that she was grinning. "Can we just go? I'm about to die."

"May I remind you that you brought this upon yourself?" Tamaki reminded her teasingly, brushing a kiss to the back of her hand. He would have met her cheek with his lips if she hadn't been pressing her palms to her face in a feeble attempt to hide. "You are so adorable." She groaned again and he laughed, straightening his posture. "I can't seem to recall any club business that needs our immediate attention," he announced, much to the flustered protest of the twins. "We'll discuss everything tomorrow. For now, meeting adjourned."

* * *

**~Samayu~**

I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn't believe I had actually gone this far.

Haruhi is no good with girl talk. The second I broach the subject of boys she gets all flustered and starts mumbling about how there's nothing going on with her and Hikaru even as her face turns that telltale shade of red that practically screams yes, there is something going on. I have a few girls in my class I converse with regularly, but they're Host Club regulars and I can't imagine asking their advice on love, especially when my secret boyfriend is none other than the blonde, blue-eyed object of several of their fantasies. I guess that girls talk to their moms about this stuff, or at least, some girls do – but yeah, right. I mean, my mom is in Taiwan finalizing her factory contract and stewing in resentment for her daughter, who she thinks makes up wild stories about her husband being a rapist and tried to commit suicide.

There was one other female figure in my life, but I had been loath to contact her. I'd only met her twice before, after all, and both times I had been terrified of what seeing her meant. But I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't get at least some of my questions answered and finally was allowed to gush about my almost-clandestine romance with someone who wouldn't want to try to kill me when I did.

So, I'd called Midori, unexplainably and incredibly nervous the entire time I listened to her phone ring. Her answering machine picked it up eventually, and I had a choice to make. I could leave a message or I could hang up and forget I'd ever done it. I chose to be brave. I left her a message asking if she wanted to meet me for coffee on Saturday. She'd texted me two hours later with a positive response, a place, and a time.

Which is why I was about to hyperventilate while sitting in my car, mustering up the courage to get out and finally go into the café and meet Midori, who I had seen walk in five minutes ago. I was being horribly rude, but even so, I didn't want to go in like I was. I was a bundle of nerves. I didn't even know why I was so anxious.

I eventually realized that I wasn't going to calm down any more than I was, so I may as well just go in.

Midori was sitting at one of the several tables inside, flipping through a paperback that I assumed was either a horror novel or a mystery, from the dark photograph on the cover. She looked up as I approached her and smiled, shutting the book immediately. "Samayu," she greeted me warmly, standing up before I got to the table and wrapping me in a hug I had not expected. I winced and tensed up, still nervous by any human contact that wasn't Tamaki's, but hugged her back and relaxed. She wasn't going to hurt me, of course not. It was just a hug.

"Hi, Midori," I said, trying desperately to hide the fact that I was uneasy, although not very successfully. I could feel myself blushing. "Thanks for meeting me," I continued, taking a sat and depositing my bag in the empty chair next to me. "I… didn't really know who else to call."

"You're alright, aren't you?" she asked casually, though I could feel her analytical gaze scanning me. She was a doctor; it was only natural.

"Oh, yes, I'm fine!" I exclaimed at once, rubbing one of my knuckles nervously. I felt horrible about being so fidgety, but I couldn't seem to stop. "There are just… um…" I trailed off, my mind so jumbled I could barely form a coherent thought. "Wow, I thought talking would be a little easier," I admitted, blushing further.

Midori smiled reassuringly at me, and for some reason, that did immense good for my nerves. "This isn't a hospital, Samayu," she reminded me gently.

I looked down at my lap. "I know. It's just… weird, I guess."

"Then let's not make it weird," Midori suggested lightly, as casually as if she were talking about a traffic report. "We can start by getting coffee, and we'll take it from there."

She reminded me of Tamaki, the way she said that. And more than anything, that's what made me relax. "That sounds like a grand idea," I agreed.

Five minutes later, I was gingerly sipping at a cappuccino and Midori was emptying a sugar packet into her latte. "How have you been?" She asked, twirling the sugar into the drink with a spoon, I watched the foam in her cup swirl. It looked like I imagined my thoughts did. "How's school?"

"Easy, for the time being. We just took our finals last week and nobody wants to start teaching anything too new since we're off school next week," I replied easily. School was a simple subject. Not like my love life, which, for the first time ever, was thriving. "How's work?" I bravely ventured. Even mentioning the hospital sent chills dancing over my skin.

"Grand. The hospital's been keeping me doing walk-in appointments for the time being, and some of them are rather interesting," she smiled, and said no more on the subject. I wasn't sure if that was because of patient confidentiality or because she could tell talking about anything vaguely medical disturbed me. Maybe a bit of both.

"What were you reading?" I asked, trying to steer the conversation out of the silence that had stretched between us. Midori began to describe the mystery novel to me, and while it certainly sounded intriguing, it didn't seem like something I would ever be interested in reading myself. There were a lot of supernatural aspects to it.

She described the plot to me up to where she was, and then asked if I liked to read. I told her yes, very much, and launched into a description of my favorite book.

We discussed books and movies and even broached politics, though we never delved deep into that subject. It wasn't until an hour later when I was swirling what little remained of my coffee around the dregs that Midori broached any subject of true meaning. "How are you, Samayu? Really."

I knew what she meant. It was what anyone who knew would want to find out about. I rolled up my sleeves and showed her my arms a little proudly. The white scars were about as faded as they would get, but it was very evident I had not been cutting. "It's been a good couple of months," I informed her, even smiling a little as I rolled my sleeves back down.

"I'm happy to hear that," she nodded, pushing her empty cup aside.

"Midori?"

"Yes?"

"How… how did you…" Lord, it was hard to ask! Much harder than I thought it would be! "I'm sorry, but, um… why did you start cutting? And how did you stop?" I felt terrible the moment the words were out, like a disobedient child who was meddling in things that were none of my business. Ashamed by my disrespect, I stared down at my lap, blushing.

"It's all right, Samayu," Midori said softly. "My parents got divorced when I was thirteen and I thought it was my fault. I stopped cutting two years later when one of my friends finally found me some help. There a lot of things we can't control in this life, Samayu, but we can control our reactions. And cutting was never the right reaction."

I nodded slowly. I know she was right. I'd told myself the same thing countless times before, even as I sliced into my arms with a blade. I shuddered to even think about it and my arms throbbed dully, remembering the pain of being cut into.

"What's happened to make you stop?" Midori asked. I looked up at her. Her expression was serious, and I knew she wasn't going to make me tell her if I didn't want to, but somehow, I had come to trust her.

"Tamaki," I said simply, blushing slightly deeper. I could spout as many reasons as I wanted to that would all be true, but in the end they all came back to him. He was my hero, and who was I to deny it? "He just… makes me feel like I'm worth something, and hurting myself suddenly felt like a crime. So… I stopped."

"And how is Tamaki?" she asked, taking note of the way I blushed at the mere mention of his name and leaning forward, grinning like a teenage girl partaking in gossip.

I bit the inside of my cheek and finally burst out, "He asked me to be his girlfriend."

"And I can't imagine you said no."

"Of course I didn't! He's… he's the only person who's ever been there for me all the time." I took a deep breath, aware that I was about to bare my soul but somehow not particularly caring, and admitted, "I think I'm in love with him."

Her smile widened even as she shook her head. "That's quite the declaration," she said. There was seriousness somewhere beneath her tone of amusement. "Does he know?"

"God, no. But, um… I know we're a couple of teenagers and it sounds stupid, like every girl whose ever lived has been totally in love with her boyfriend, but I've loved him longer than we've been together. A lot longer. Two months longer."

Midori even laughed. "This sounds serious."

It felt so good to finally admit this to someone! But what I wanted to ask… was going to make everything awkward. "Midori… what's a real relationship like?" I asked.

She seemed taken aback, but recovered well. "You decide you like a person and spend time with them," she replied slowly. I was grateful she was giving serious thought to her reply. "You kiss. You get to know each other so well that you'd trust each other with anything, even your lives. And that's when you know you love them. And if they love you back, you get married, and pray for a happily ever after." She seemed satisfied with her answer at first, but then added, "A relationship isn't like what you see in books or movies, Samayu. You have to work at it. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it doesn't work out."

"Are you married, Midori?"

"No. Came close once, but the guy was much more in love with me than I was with him, and I realized that he wasn't the person I wanted to spend my whole life with. I broke his heart, Samayu. I'm not proud of that."

"It would have been worse for him in the end if you had married him," I decided. I felt for the poor guy. What if my relationship with Tamaki is like that? What if I love him but he doesn't really love me? Am I going to end up with nothing but memories and a heart in pieces?

"Take it slow with Tamaki," Midori advised, seeing the panic in my eyes. "I saw the way he looks at you. He likes you a whole lot more than you think he does, I'm sure."

"What about sex?" I blurted out, and then, horrified by my own brazen question, I clapped my hand over my mouth and turned a deep shade of red.

Midori looked a little like I'd just slapped her in the face. "What? Why would you be worried about that?"

Oh, god, I was dying of embarrassment. I'd take the twins' hooting and hollering after watching me kiss Tamaki a hundred more times if I could just take back that question. "I'm sorry," I apologized urgently. "I just… I thought a relationship… that meant… I'm sorry."

"Samayu," Midori said sternly. She was no longer my friend. In that moment, she felt more like my mother. Or, at least, the way my mother should be. Her demeanor was assured and strict. "I'll tell you this seriously. Teenage boys are hormonal. But don't you dare give your body away just to appease your boyfriend. If he won't respect you enough to know your body is sacred, then you don't belong together. In a perfect world, every person would wait until marriage. Trust me, Samayu. I gave my virginity away much too freely to my college boyfriend. And it is one of my biggest regrets."

"Was he the man who wanted to marry you?" I dared to ask.

She hesitated. "No," she admitted. She looked ashamed with herself, but I didn't judge. What right did I have to? When I was leading her to believe I was still a virgin?

Her demeanor softened. "But don't worry about that," she assured me, the aura about her transforming back into the friendly one she'd had for most of our meeting. "Tamaki is a boy with a surprising amount of old-fashioned morals."

"Yes… you're right," I agreed, suddenly feeling even more foolish for having asked such a question. Why should I be worried about that? Of all the people I had ever met, Tamaki was the one most likely to be a virgin until his wedding night, and that thought comforted me.

* * *

**Story moves along even further next chapter, and some of you will want to kill me and some of you will be screaming with joy… it depends on how you feel about a certain character. So stay tuned! I'm writing really long chapters to get this done with by Chapter 40, and even then it may spill over a couple… we'll see.**

**I love writing Tamaki's perspective. I think I like writing it more than Samayu's! What do you guys think?**

**Also, I was just wondering. After 35 chapters, I know I've accumulated fans for this story, but are any of you out there guys? Ouran is highly female oriented, I know, but I was just a little curious. Aside from my dear friend Jordan, I've no idea if any of you out there reading this story are boys. So tell me, if you are? Or if you've a guy friend who's reading this? I'm really interested to know!**

**Love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	36. Close Your Eyes

**I'm going to be totally honest with you here, guys. I need reviews. I am one of those people who needs as much tangible proof as possible that they are appreciated, and the only way to get that on a site like fanfiction is by getting reviews or private messages. And a review is a whole lot easier, don't you think? So, at the end of this chapter, just send me a few words, if you please! Every review makes me that much more excited to get my next chapter out. Ideally, I'd get around eight reviews a chapter…**

**Here it comes, people. THE CHAPTER WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. Me especially. I never thought I'd get all the way here! As an added bonus, it's really long!**

**Disclaimer: I stake no claim to Ouran or its characters, per usual.**

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I have been in love for six months. I'm still not entirely convinced I haven't been walking through dreams. I'm terrified I'll suddenly wake up from a coma or something and realize it's all been an illusion unraveling inside my head. Sometimes I have nightmares about that, and being able to dream makes me feel like I'm truly in reality. But the strongest anchor I have is Tamaki. Because everything about him feels real in every way. Each potent emotion I experience with and through him, each expression crossing his flawless features, and especially each kiss. Lord, if I've dreamed up the feel of those lips on mine, please don't let me wake up._

_Four months, I've been his girlfriend. By some miracle, the only people who know are us and the club, although a few girls have caught on to something. They don't realize exactly how great that something is, though, and I thank God for that. The longer I can put off being torn to pieces by a mob of angry fangirls, the better._

* * *

It felt like a normal day. I woke up and didn't feel any different than I had felt going to bed yesterday, even though today _was_ different. I didn't have school today, at the very least. That should account for something. I could spend all day trying to make it feel different, because I felt like it should. Because today was _not_ a normal day – it was the one day of the year that was supposed to revolve around me.

Birthdays are strange to me. I haven't celebrated mine since my father died, because I've felt no reason to celebrate since his death. Celebrating a birthday seemed so very narcissistic to me. What had I done to deserve to have my life celebrated? Caused my sister's death? My birthday didn't seem so much a celebration of my life but a reminder that I didn't deserve to have it – and yet, there I was, anyway.

Of course, my boyfriend wouldn't dream of allowing me to treat my birthday as just another day. For two weeks Tamaki had adamantly protested against exactly that, and because I loved him too much to refuse him for too terribly long – and a few persuasive kisses didn't hurt – I finally conceded. We would celebrate my birthday his way, though he assured me I would have full veto power if there was anything I didn't like. It was going to be my birthday, he constantly reminded me. Birthdays are the one day where anything you wish for should be possible.

I argued that I could wish for a unicorn as much as I wanted and that wouldn't make them real. He claimed he'd superglue a horn to a white horse and coat it with silver glitter until I had no choice but to believe. I had cleverer teasing remarks up my sleeve to counter him, but he amused me so much that I let him win that one. I'd come out of several of our joking squabbles as the victor; I had to remind myself that I had to let him win _sometimes_.

I rolled out of bed trying to force myself to feel excited, but I couldn't. Today was normal. The fact that the date was the same as that of the day I was born seventeen years ago seemed little more than coincidence. I didn't feel any older than I was yesterday. It wasn't as though there were especially large changes that came with the transition from being sixteen to being seventeen.

I already felt old enough, I thought a little resignedly as I stepped into the shower. I was quite a bit older than several of my classmates. I had six months on the twins, and a little under a year on Haruhi, who had only just turned sixteen a couple weeks ago. I was the second oldest student in my class. The only thought that comforted me about being seventeen and still a first year was that the school year ended in a little less than a month, and then I'd be the second oldest second year.

Graduation. The word had been abuzz for a good month now, and Mori and Hunny had more guests than ever before to entertain during club meetings. Girls were trying to get their fill of the third years before they graduated and left us for University. I couldn't imagine the club without either of them. Mori and I were fairly close, though he knew a whole lot more about me than I did him, as he didn't talk nearly as much as I did. And Hunny was always good to hang around when you felt bad about yourself. He had a way of making you feel like the most wonderful person in the world. I'm not entirely sure he knows how to find the faults in a person; either that or he's just exceptional at finding the good in a person.

The hot water woke me up a considerable amount, and I examined my scars as I ran soap along my arms and legs. They had gotten me looks, some condemning and some merely curious, more than I cared to count in the past few months. Since my arms no longer had to be bandaged and were covered in only scars, not angry red scabbing lines, I had fewer qualms about wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts. I avoided them when I was alone, as those wary looks from strangers set my skin to crawling with irritation, but when I was with Tamaki, I cared little what those other people thought – or, at least, Tamaki kept me too invested in kisses and conversation to notice.

I stood in my closet for a good five minutes wondering what to wear. Today was special, after all, even without the feeling that should have come with it. I knew Tamaki would be over any minute. The clock on my wall displayed numbers creeping towards eight o'clock, which was the time I'd told Tamaki was the earliest I'd be taking visitors on the weekends. That rule had been established two months ago when he'd shown up at my door at a quarter to seven, insisting we seize the day with much enthusiasm.

I had thrown a shoe at him and gone back to sleep while he puttered around the kitchen, marveling at the various commoner items and wondering how on earth I'd managed to survive fending for myself the last two months. I may love the boy, but I had to put my foot down at messing with my already limited sleep schedule. After I finish my homework, I barely get to bed by midnight at the earliest. I need the weekends to sleep in.

Eventually I decided on a gray skirt that flared above my knees and a pink blouse that I'd never worn before – Mrs. Hitachin had gifted it to me last week when the club spent a day at the twins' mansion. Being a fashion designer, I suppose her strange obsessive-compulsion to dress up girls she deems "cute" the moment they step through her front door is understandable, but neither Haruhi nor I appreciated being paraded in front of the guys in various dressy outfits neither of us would ever have the gall to wear in public. I'd gotten the blouse and a few dresses as compensation, as had Haruhi, but I'd never dreamed I'd actually wear any of the things I carried home that day.

I was hastily running the blow dryer through my hair when I heard the doorbell ring sharply, two times in succession. That was how Tamaki alerted me that it was he who was standing on my doorstep. My hair only half-dry, I shut the blow dryer off and ran to the door to meet him. He grinned at me through the window as I unlocked the door, and his violet eyes sparkled the way they do when he's excited. He was wearing jeans and a blue button-down shirt half tucked in, which proved to me he had left his house in haste, eager to see me. I smiled at the thought.

When I opened the door, I gave him a playful chastising look and scolded him teasingly, "You know, it_ is_ my birthday. You could have let me sleep in a little."

He crossed the threshold in one stride, his smile stretching from ear to ear, and wrapped his arm around my waist. "Not a chance," he replied sternly, kissing my cheek once as I laughed and tried to catch his lips with mine. He pulled his face away too quickly for my attempt to be successful. "Not yet," he reprimanded me, though his grin gave his insincerity away. "You'll have plenty of kisses later. For now, finish getting ready. We're starting this day properly, and you're going to have fun on your birthday and like it!"

His mood was contagious, and I suddenly understood why a majority of the planet's population love to celebrate their birthdays. But I wasn't about to be outdone. It was my birthday, and I was going to get what I wanted today of all days. "Denying the birthday girl a kiss?" I pouted, leaning my face temptingly towards his. "You told me anything I wish for today should be possible."

Tamaki chuckled. "And what are you wishing for exactly, Samayu?"

"A kiss, to begin with," I informed him shamelessly. "And then I'll go finish getting ready and you can take me anywhere you have planned."

He shook his head, feigning disappointment in both of our lacks of self-restraint, and asked with an exaggerated sigh, "How can I ignore a request like that?" He closed the distance between our lips, and I prepared myself for a kiss that made me experience trembles of delight and made me lose all awareness of anything but Tamaki, but even as I parted my lips, inviting him to a taste, he drew back.

"Tamaki," I protested as he released me and gave me a nudge towards my living room.

"You asked for a kiss; that was a kiss," he replied, grinning devilishly. I knew he enjoyed teasing me with kisses, to make me bend to his will. "Finish getting ready, and maybe in the car you'll have more."

Knowing he had won the battle, but determined I would not lose the war, I merely gave him a curt nod and scampered back to my bathroom to finish drying my hair and put some makeup on. I didn't usually indulge in makeup, either, but today was my birthday. Today was special. For the first time all morning, I truly felt it, too.

* * *

Breakfast was a lavish affair, which I don't typically go for, but I had fun nonetheless. Tamaki took me to a café. Not just any café – a notoriously expensive one, the kind of place the media hangs around waiting for celebrities. And the heiress to Mitsurugi Group and Yojin Oil being taken to breakfast by Tamaki Suoh, who only _may_ be inheriting the Suoh estate and everything that goes with his family name, was evidently worth media attention. I was infinitely grateful Tamaki had reminded to me to grab a jacket before we'd left my house, hiding my scars in the process as he ushered me into the café and refused to admit to any of the paparazzi that we were, in fact, in a relationship. Let them wonder, he told me later. We know the truth.

I reminded him that girls at our school read the magazines those reporters worked for like religious works necessary for salvation. He kissed me inside, away from prying eyes and cameras, and made me forget any worries I had. We would pull through. Tamaki was the best at pulling through. I've witnessed it countless times.

Still, this is why I avoid the "rich" parts of town. It's this crap from photographers and reporters for entertainment and business magazines that I can't stand. This is my life, not an article in a magazine. And there are too many things about my life that I would like to keep private.

The coffee was rich, the pastries delicate, and the company phenomenal. I can't remember ever having fun at a fancy breakfast, but this was purely enjoyable. Tamaki had good news to share with me. He was making headway with his grandmother, who would ultimately decide whether or not he inherited the Suoh estate, and he wasn't far from being moved from the second mansion into the main house. His delight was contagious, although there were those lingering pangs of depression stabbing at the recesses of my heart when I remembered my own exile from my family's mansion. Over nine months it had been now, and it still didn't hurt any less as the day my mother threw me out.

"So, do I get to know in advance the plans you've made for today, or am I simply along for the ride?" I inquired as we were preparing to leave, mustering up our courage to brave another barrage of camera flashes and irritating questions from nosy reporters. I would have been lying if I said not knowing didn't bother me – it was driving me crazy.

"And spoil the surprise?!" Tamaki asked in mock horror that I would dare to even ask such a question. "Absolutely not! Rest assured, my dear, you will enjoy it."

* * *

"Tamaki… is this a joke?" I asked, chewing on my bottom lip and fighting back several all too painful memories as I stared at the magnificent brown and white creature before me.

His smile faltered. "You don't like it," he stated with a tone of mortification as he examined the sudden look of sadness on my face as memories of a ranch in America and a crumbling barn assaulted me. He slowly dropped my hand and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, trying to turn me away. "I'm sorry, Samayu, I just… I thought…"

I pulled away from him and turned back to look at the horses, a beautiful white mare worthy of my knight in shining armor, and the other a brown and white pinto; a real-life Nimblefoot, and I knew Tamaki meant that horse to be mine for a ride specifically. "I don't want you to apologize," I whispered, my voice surprisingly clear. "This is a wonderful gesture, Tamaki, but I just… I keep seeing the accident in my head and I'm terrified I'm going to start crying and absolutely ruin this entire thing for you."

"Oh, Samayu… I've made you unhappy," he murmured, clutching at my hand again and kissing my brow.

But I shook my head. "I'm not unhappy! Tamaki, you have no idea how much I've missed horseback riding, but I don't want to ruin this for you when you're so enthusiastic. I'm not sad," I repeated when he cast me a skeptical gaze. And I wasn't. I had expected that I would be, when presented with the prospect of getting back onto another horse, but as I looked at them anticipation was spreading through my core and the memories of the tragedy that had happened so many years ago, while still poignant, were not as prevalent as I thought they would be.

"Do you want to ride?" Tamaki asked softly, looking back towards the horses.

I took a deep breath. "Just… kiss me one more time," I breathed, knowing by the way the corners of his lips twitched that he would be only too happy to comply. "And then I want to ride a horse."

A kiss to make me forget everything but the fact that the boy I love is at my side, at least for a little while. A kiss to make everything but the anticipation of a ride and the incredible infatuation I found myself drowning in with every soft grazing of lips disappear. I could get on a horse without guilt or regret after a kiss, and by the time the memories returned it would be too late and the exhilaration would overpower them.

Tamaki closed the gap and pressed his lips to mine, and I closed my eyes and succumbed.

* * *

We dismounted an hour later for a short break, and I couldn't have been happier. My hair was windswept and my cheeks were pink, and I was wearing one of the most genuine smiles that have ever crossed my lips. It had been too long, and I couldn't believe I hadn't gone in search of a horse to ride before today. The rocking gait of a horse at a walk was soothing; trotting took such excessive concentration that there simply wasn't any time to consider the memories lingering in the back of my mind and loping, even more so. But the feeling I had missed the most was that of the wind assaulting my face and making my hair swirl around me uncontrollably in the midst of a gallop, the horse lunging with each footfall to propel itself forward, airborne and weightless for moments below me.

Tamaki was not nearly as comfortable on a horse. The one time he attempted something faster than a trot, he panicked and yanked on his horse's reigns until she had stopped and was tossing her head in irritation, frustrated by her rider's confusing commands. Tamaki kept her at a steady walk or, when he felt particularly brave, a slow trot, which I kept telling him was a whole lot rougher to endure than a quicker pace, unless of course, you're a connoisseur at posting, which he obviously wasn't. I loped and galloped my horse in weaving patterns and circled back to him every few minutes or so, and he would laugh at the pure ecstasy written in my expression.

"You are so beautiful," Tamaki told me, wrapping his arms around me from behind as I tied his horse to a tree for him.

I gestured towards the jeans and plaid shirt I had been given to change into before we had departed – Tamaki had been given similar clothes – and turned around in his embrace. "You mean you like shabby clothes and wild hair on the girl who just rode circles around you?" I asked teasingly.

He chuckled and brushed my wild hair out of my face. "Correction. I like you _in spite of_ the fact that your hair is wild and your clothes are shabby and you just rode circles around me."

I feigned a cringe. "Ouch."

"You are so beautiful," he repeated himself, and almost as if to prove that he meant what he said, caught my lips in a kiss even as I laughed.

Four months and I still find myself trying to memorize every angle of his lips, his mouth, and I still experience incredible tremors that course through my body, a delicious heat radiating through my belly and up and down each of my limbs. Kisses make the world fall away until there is nothing but passion and desire it its wake. No matter how many times we kiss, my want-hazy mind steals away all rational thought until all I can do is wish for moments like this never to end, and when they come to their inevitable conclusion, leave me aching for more and awaiting the next kiss with a desperate longing.

"Thank you for this," I whispered, smiling against his mouth, and he drew away with reluctance, looking into my eyes with a gaze that pierced my soul as I saw the happiness in them.

"Anything," he reminded me gently. "It's your birthday, remember? I'd do anything to make sure today is one of the best days of your life."

"You can consider yourself successful," I laughed, drawing away and plopping myself down onto the ground with little care that I would get dirty.

Tamaki lowered himself down a little more carefully, but he was grinning nonetheless. "A success already and we haven't even made it to lunch."

"You're wonderful," I informed him, smiling. He chuckled and reached out a hand to start combing tangles out of my hair with his fingers. I sighed contentedly and scooted a little closer to him. "Tamaki?" I asked.

"Yes?" I felt his fingers pause in their path as he awaited my question.

"Why did you arrange this for me? I told you I couldn't ride anymore because of what had happened… and yet, here we are. We've just dismounted for a break and are about to climb back onto a pair of horses to return them to their stables." I looked back at him, smiling encouragingly to let him know that I wasn't berating his gift to me. "I love this so much, but I still don't understand."

He let my hair trickle through his fingers and fall into place, and then sat back on his palms. Looking at a point just past my left shoulder, he told me, "Because I didn't want you to be sad anymore."

"Sad…" I echoed the word, swallowing back a lump in my throat with the abrupt weight of the moment. It had been so light and airy seconds ago, but now the heaviness of serious emotion had overtaken us.

Tamaki sighed and moved his hand so it covered mine. "Samayu… bad things happen to good people. And you are a good person. Not perfect, because no one is perfect – no, not me either," he chuckled when I opened my mouth to joke about his frequent bouts of narcissism.

He shook his head and continued. "But I want you to realize that all the bad things that have happened to you are not your fault. If you were… punishing yourself for what happened to Maika by depriving yourself of something you love, I wanted for you to end that. Because what happened was an accident. It wasn't your fault. If I could make every hurt you have vanish, I would, but all I can hope to do is make it hurt a little less. And this is the beginning." He smiled slightly, reaching his hand out to catch the tear that slid down my cheek. "So don't be sad anymore." He stood up and picked me up off the ground as I quivered, trying not to burst into tears.

I have been waiting seven years for someone to tell me Maika's death wasn't my fault. Nobody ever did, not even my dad, and since no one told me I hadn't caused her death, I started to twist the accident into the truth, turning my reality from what had happened being a tragic mishap into knowing I caused my sister's death.

I wrapped my arms around Tamaki and buried my face in his chest, my brow at the hollow of his throat as a sob slipped through my clenched teeth. Another followed until I was a mess of shaking limbs and tears as all those dreadful memories turned hazy at the edges as I at last allowed myself to let go of the guilt and the blame that has been crushing my heart for seven years. Tamaki's arms enveloped me in an embrace, holding me against him with all the tenderness in the world. All I could say, over and over, was thank you. I couldn't manage to gather myself enough to express my gratitude to him for so much more than the horseback ride coherently, but he seemed to understand.

* * *

"There's more?" I asked disbelievingly as we drove to our next destination, which Tamaki refused to reveal to me. "What else could you possibly have planned for today?"

He beamed at me as he glanced out the window, as though he was looking for something outside as the world rolled past us. "You didn't think the day was over already, did you?" he asked teasingly, squeezing my hand as he spoke.

"I can't imagine there's anything else…" I trailed off as the car came to a stop in front of a park. "What's going on? Why are we stopping here?" I inquired, looking out the window skeptically. I know Tamaki has a strange fascination with commoner antics, but a park was the last thing I had in mind for what could be on today's agenda. I had been half-expecting to revisit the aquarium, to perhaps revisit our first _real_ kiss.

Tamaki clambered out of the car without answering me and rushed to my door, throwing it open with an eager expression on his face and beginning to pull me out before I had even undone my seatbelt entirely. Laughing, I inquired, "What on earth could have you so riled up?"

"Come on, quickly!" Tamaki begged as I stood and smoothed out my skirt, which I had changed back into upon our arrival back at the stables, moving at a pointedly leisure pace to torment Tamaki just a little bit. "Why are you so slow?!" he demanded impatiently.

"Does it annoy you?" I asked, smiling sweetly up at him as I lifted my weight onto my toes so I was tall enough to bestow a kiss to his cheek.

He leaned away from the kiss rather than into it, and my lips caught nothing but empty air. I huffed my discontent with him, and he laughed. "You will be my destruction," he declared amusedly. "If I kiss you now, I'll be so distracted by you that I'll forget the surprise."

I swallowed back the remark rising in my throat that would tell him to forget and just kiss me already. He was so excited… it made me loath to break the pleasant atmosphere we'd been enshrouded in for a majority of the day. But I must have looked dejected nonetheless, and with a half-hearted groan, Tamaki leaned his face forward and caught my lips in a quick, shallow kiss that held none of our usual fervency and succeeded in doing little more than make the slightest shiver dance down the length of my spine. Smiling, Tamaki asked, "Will that be enough to tide you over for a little while?"

"It was barely _enough_," I complained with a simpering smile, leaning my face towards his still, inviting him to another kiss. I had grown quite adept at manipulating him into doing what I wanted in the last few months – the slightest whine and an open invitation usually got me the kisses I so desperately yearned for.

"You little vixen!" Tamaki exclaimed fondly, wrapping an arm around my waist and steering me resignedly away from the car and into the recesses of the park. "Now see what you've done? You've made me much less enthusiastic about my plans when remaining here and kissing you is a much more enticing option!"

"I think I'd be fine with that."

"Of course you would, but we have to get going. I told everyone we would be there five minutes ago," Tamaki said, quickening our pace.

I looked at him in confusion, unsure if I had heard him correctly or if what he had said was truly what he'd meant. "Everyone?" I repeated, getting an unpleasant feeling in my gut. Everyone probably entailed…

"They're here! They're here!" I heard Hunny's voice call out, and the small blonde shot out of the bushes with Mori trailing close behind him. Tamaki laughed at the mortification in my expression as Hunny raced up to me with an ecstatic grin plastered across his face and burst into a rather off-key rendition of "Happy Birthday," and I stared blankly back at him, trying to wrap my head around the fact that the rest of the Host Club was more than likely lurking somewhere nearby, waiting to pounce and embarrass me further.

"You look so surprised," Tamaki told me amusedly, kissing my temple in an attempt to calm me as my nerves went haywire. I had forgotten about the universal tradition of humiliating the birthday recipient. No wonder I hadn't found it too terribly difficult to cast aside such a tradition. I wasn't keen on continuing onward and being thrown into some impromptu birthday celebration in which the twins would surely have free reign to mortify me as they saw fit.

"Is it too late to go back to the car?" I asked, groaning as he nudged me forward after Hunny had finished serenading me.

"Much. Mori-senpai, is everyone here?" Tamaki asked as Mori and Hunny fell into step with us, wherever we were going. I still wasn't sure.

Mori nodded once, and Hunny was the one to articulate. "Everybody found the place fine! Haruhi brought her dad, and Mori and me brought Chika-chan and Sato-chan, and Hika-chan and Kao-chan brought their parents, and Kyo-chan's here, even though he didn't bring anybody, and Miss Midori came and—"

"Midori?" I interrupted, looking at Tamaki for an explanation. "What is all this, Tamaki? Why did everybody bring their families with them?" I had met Hunny's younger brother a few times, and he'd taken a liking to me as a down-to-earth person, and the one time I'd met Mori's younger brother I'd absolutely adored him, but that hardly warranted reasons for why they would come celebrate my birthday – they barely knew me. I was shocked Kyoya even showed up, and as for the twins' parents, well… Mrs. Hitachin had certainly taken an incredible liking to me, and Mr. Hitachin I had barely spoken to when I'd met him. The man didn't have much presence.

Honestly, there were only a few people that made sense. There was Haruhi and her dad, who I've spent many a night hanging out with in both Haruhi's apartment and my house. Her dad's a weird guy – a transvestite, which sort of threw me off at first, but he's all right. He was a little too enthusiastic that his little girl finally found a girlfriend to bond with, and he loves to tease Haruhi about her crush on Hikaru – because it is obvious there is a crush. Mori, Hunny, and the twins made obvious sense, because they're my friends.

Actually, Midori was one of the few people I actually wanted to spend my birthday with. In the past four months she's turned into one of my only confidantes, practically taken up the role of my surrogate mother. She's always there for me, unless she's working, but even then the first thing she does when she gets off if I've called during her shift is call me right back, and if I don't answer, comes over to my house to talk. I trust her wholeheartedly and talk to her over the phone almost every day I don't see her in person. We get coffee all the time, and even go shopping or to the movie theater. Aside from Tamaki, she's easily my best friend.

By the time we arrived at the clearing where the motley crew gathered to celebrate my existence was awaiting my arrival, I had almost made peace with the prospect of it. I had been expecting to be inundated with birthday well wishes. I had been anticipating having a lot of people hug me, which I still wasn't comfortable with from people aside from Tamaki and Midori. And there was all that, of course. But I had NOT expected Tamaki to arrange for all of us of the wealthy community plus a doctor of respectable middle-class and two commoners to play a myriad of commoner's games that involved an exorbitant amount of running back and forth, counting to a hundred, hiding in bushes and (for the exceptionally daring) up trees, and the occasional dog pile as people tried to prevent someone from catching a Frisbee.

It was like an extended version of the day we'd spent playing red-light-green-light and kick-the-can for a school newspaper article that was never written due to various circumstances of the newspaper club's corruption, except for there were a lot more games played today and a whole lot more enthusiasm on everyone's part. The twins were masters at ultimate Frisbee while Haruhi and I failed miserably at it; Hunny and Yasuchika dominated at kickball, and Mori and Satoshi were instant pros at softball.

(I feel that I should mention that during both kickball and softball, I spent a majority of my time running away from the namesakes of both games.)

After a rousing game of hide-and-seek in which I had been the second to last person to be found by our seeker, Kyoya, leaving Mr. Fujioka – who prefers to be called Ranka – the victor who was now driving everybody crazy with his overzealous exclamations of having won, I decided it was high-time to sit down for a few minutes and catch my breath.

I seated myself beneath a tree as I watched Tamaki gather everyone who was still eagerly participating (namely, everyone who was not me, Mrs. Hitachin, or Kyoya) together for a game that's title I must have misheard – honestly, what sort of game is called duck-duck-goose? – a smile lingering on my lips and slightly out of breath. I had climbed a tree to hide in, a pine tree thick with needles to conceal myself, and getting up the tree had knocked the wind out of me only slightly more than getting down the tree had. As I picked needles clinging stubbornly to my clothes away and discarded them, someone lowered themselves down next to me.

"I suppose I should wish you a happy birthday, Miss Yojin," a pleasant male voice said, and I looked up into the face of a man I'd only ever seen before in pictures.

"Mr. Suoh," I greeted him, a little taken aback by his sudden appearance, and somewhat mortified that he was sitting on the ground next to me in a very expensive suit. "What are you doing here?"

"Tamaki invited me to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday. I am terribly sorry I'm late – my meeting this morning ran much longer than I expect… what on earth are they doing?" he asked suddenly, distracted by the game the rest of the crowd was indulging in. Midori had just tackled Kaoru and was scrambling in the opposite direction, apparently claiming a role as the pursued instead of pursuer with the physical contact. I saw her claim Kaoru's vacated seat in the circle the group was sitting in, and Kaoru set to walking leisurely around the circle, tapping every person's head until he came to Tamaki. He rapped my boyfriend's head with vigor and bolted, and Tamaki scrambled to his feet, attempting in vain to catch up to the twin.

"I'm not exactly sure," I said as I scrutinized the game, trying to see the aim. "I believe the object is to run around in circles and choose to be chased by people you know you can outrun."

Mr. Suoh laughed as Tamaki raced as fast as he possibly could away from Ranka. "It doesn't surprise me that Tamaki loves these games. He never played anything like them as a child." He looked at me and smiled warmly. "And yourself? What do you think of them?"

"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, exactly," I said jokingly, pulling a few pine needles out of my hair. "For most of them I'm so out of breath I can't focus on having fun!" I looked fondly back at Tamaki and then added, "In all honesty, I do enjoy them. I used to have a little sister I played with, but she hated being outside unless she was on horseback. I played dolls with her instead and let her put on countless pretend tea parties. All held indoors, of course."

Mr. Suoh took a long moment to speak. He was staring at me intently, and I held his gaze, marveling at how exactly like Tamaki's they were. I had grown so adept at reading the emotions in Tamaki's eyes in the past four months, and his father was little different. I could see pride and approval behind his eyes. "Miss Yojin, I can definitely see why Tamaki took a liking to you. You're good for him."

"He's good for me," I smiled back. "I'd be a very different person right now if it wasn't for your son." I shuddered to think about where I would be if Tamaki wasn't in my life. My arms would be mutilated still and my heart still hidden behind a brick wall – if, that is, I wasn't dead by Raito's hands.

"You know, he gave me a painting you did of him to me for my birthday. I was appalled by the professional quality of it. You have quite a gift." Mr. Suoh's flattering sentiment brought a blush to my cheeks.

"Thank you," I said softly, turning my attention back to the game for a few moments. I watched Haruhi give up on catching Satoshi and resignedly watch him plop himself down in her recently vacated spot. I wondered what it was Mr. Suoh had really come over here to say. He had the same look about him that Tamaki gets when he has something pressing on his mind.

"Miss Yojin… Samayu," he said hesitantly, replacing the politer title with something more familiar, and I looked back at him, a little surprised by his boldness. "I would like to thank you very much. Since he met you, Tamaki has taken his life much more seriously. My mother is pleased with him – she confided in me only an hour ago that she is going to extend to him an invitation to join the main house."

Tamaki has been part of the second house his whole life. As his father's illegitimate child with a French woman and not the wife his father had long since divorced, he has been attempting for years, ever since he was fourteen, to prove himself to his grandmother, the head of the Suoh household. He sacrificed everything for that. His mother was sickly, and his grandmother agreed to pay for her treatment… but only if Tamaki came to Japan and agreed to cut all ties with his mother. And Tamaki did it – to save his mom. I could only ever dream of loving my own mother so much I'd do that for her. And it broke my heart, knowing the way Tamaki's was already broken from that entire ordeal. It shocked me he was as jovial as he was, with such heartache always lingering in his past.

Which is why the grin that crossed my lips was inevitable. I couldn't fight it back, nor did I want to. All those sacrifices, finally coming to fruition. "That's wonderful news!" I exclaimed delightedly, imagining the overjoyed expression on Tamaki's face when he heard the news. How his eyes would sparkle!

Mr. Suoh seemed equally as excited. "Yes, but don't let him know just yet. She'll ask him formally in a few days, and you had better act surprised when he tells you!"

"Yes, sir!" I agreed with an obedient nod, going so far as to offer him a playful salute.

Mr. Suoh looked me over approvingly. "You'll make a fine wife for my son one day, Samayu. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'd rather like to go play this perplexing commoner's game with my son."

And he made his escape, surely as I was blushing scarlet all the way down to my toes. Marriage?! Wife?! I hadn't given a thought to my future with Tamaki! Good lord, I'd never given any thought to my future at all! I'd always assumed it would end in blood, either suicide or a cutting mishap… I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life now that I was going to allow myself to have one, and I certainly hadn't considered the inevitable outcome of dating Tamaki… if we stayed this way, happy and in love, for a couple more years, marriage was only to be expected. Did I want that? As sure as I am that I never want to leave Tamaki, or be without him… marriage is a huge step.

Thank god I still have a few years to figure it out. I mean, we couldn't even think about marriage until after high school. I'm worrying myself over nothing, surely.

* * *

Tamaki truly outdid himself today. The gathering of everyone turned quickly from a meeting of teenagers and adults to run around playing a bunch of kids' games into a full-on commoner's picnic/barbeque extravaganza, and after the food had been demolished and the twins had sort of accidentally-on-purpose exploded the cake with trick candles (after which Tamaki chased them around breathing fire), most everyone pulled me into the throng, ignoring my avid protests, sang a round of "Happy Birthday," and, at last, departed, leaving Tamaki, Midori, and me in the clearing alone, surrounded by the chaotic aftermath of this strange celebration and with a pile of gifts to be opened at a later time.

I looked around, beginning to feel the exhaustion of the day, and asked reluctantly, "Should we clean this up? Or try to, at least?"

Tamaki shook his head and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "No, there should be a crew coming in about ten minutes. As if I'd allow you to clean on your birthday!"

Midori laughed. "You see, that's why I like you so much. You're fantastically rich, it's your birthday, and yet you _still_ offer to clean up this disaster."

"I'm not that good of a person," I mumbled, blushing. "It's not as though I was enthusiastic about it."

"But you offered," Midori insisted, grinning back at me. "And that makes all the difference. Now, I'm sure you wouldn't object to coming to see a movie with myself and Mr. Suoh here? I'm afraid I didn't get you a gift, with the short notice, so this one's on me."

A dark movie theater where I wouldn't have to run around playing children's games, could lose myself briefly in a world of fiction, and nobody was supposed to talk? "Yes, please."

* * *

"You know, I enjoy horror movies to an extent," I commented as we came out of the theater, feeling rejuvenated by two blissful hours of nothing but sitting in the dark, albeit the adrenaline racing through my veins from having the wits scared out of me more than once. "Being scared is kind of fun."

"I'm glad _you_ think so," Tamaki, still a pasty shade of white, mumbled, unable to look me in the eye. "I missed half that movie. How did it end?"

"The girl died in the end," Midori informed him matter-of-factly, unshaken by the horrors just witnessed onscreen. She's never affected by thrillers. I enjoy a good jolt, but I don't take what exists in the world of fictitious horror to heart. Tamaki, it appeared, wasn't casting off his terror so easily.

"Is this why we only ever see comedies?" I probed, amused as I watched a little color return to Tamaki's cheeks. "You look like a ghost. Actually, I think I may very well be slightly deaf in my left ear – you were screaming so incredibly loud _every five minutes_."

"I apologize," Tamaki said sincerely, though his voice did shake slightly. "But, to answer your earlier question, this is _exactly_ why I only ever take you to comedies. It's so you don't have to see me like this."

"Scaredy-cat," I teased, brushing a kiss to his cheek as the sleek black car pulled up to us on the curb. He blushed, the color returning to his face all at once. I smiled in satisfaction and turned to Midori. "Thank you for the movie. I loved it."

"You're welcome, hon," she smiled back, wrapping me in a quick one-armed hug. "I have to get back to the hospital. Happy birthday, Samayu."

"Bye, Midori." I waved at her as she left, scampering across the parking lot to her car. "I'm sorry I chose a horror movie," I apologized to Tamaki once she had gone. "I didn't realize you didn't like them."

At last, Tamaki's lips stretched into a smile. "I didn't mind it too much. It's what you wanted, after all, and you deserve to have that for your birthday. I'm glad you didn't know; you wouldn't have chosen what you truly wanted."

"You spoil me too much!" I laughed as he opened the car door and I crawled in.

Sliding into a seat next to me, he informed me, "And that is because you, my dear, deserve to be spoiled." He glanced at the driver and asked for him to take us back to his mansion, please, and then turned his attention back to me, as though he hated not to look at me for even a moment. I blushed to consider that.

* * *

Dinner was a quiet affair with little theatrics, thank the lord. Tamaki admitted he originally wanted the servants to all sing yet another round of "Happy Birthday" to me after dinner, when we indulged in vanilla-caramel ice cream and chocolate cupcakes, but after the way I'd turned as red as a tomato being serenaded by everyone at lunch, had called it off. He insisted I open the gifts everyone had left for me at the park, which he'd had delivered to his mansion, and I obliged.

Haruhi and her father had _made_ me a cookbook, which made me laugh when I looked through it. Haruhi had written notes in the margins of some of the pages, notes about what I should not do – a record of all the stupid mistakes I'd made when I was still in the early stages of learning to cook for myself. In the back of it I found instructions on doing laundry, another tribute to my early days of fending for myself.

The twins had gotten me an enormous stuffed horse – they'd been teasing me incessantly about Nimblefoot ever since I made good on my promise to Hunny and introduced him to my stuffed horse. They obviously fancied themselves quite the comedians. But I loved the horse anyway. It was about as big as I was.

From Mr. and Mrs. Hitachin, a box filled with new clothes of Mrs. Hitachin's design and a note extending an invitation to come over whenever I wanted; there were so many fashions Mrs. Hitachin was eager to try out using me as her model. I thought, what the heck? Maybe one day I'll take them up on that offer.

From Hunny, a stuffed bunny comparable to the famous Usa-chan and a very generous, even by wealthy standards, gift card to one of the city's finer bakeries, a place which he doubtlessly frequented – they were universally considered to make the best cakes in all of Japan.

Mori got me books, and I was appalled he'd been listening as intently as he had obviously been – we often discussed books, but he remembered so many titles I'd mentioned, titles I myself had even forgotten. I'd have enough new reading material to last me a year – and I read _fast_.

Yasuchika and Satoshi, Hunny and Mori's respective younger brothers, had been so obviously clueless as to what a teenage girl they barely knew would want that they got me the most generic present they could think of – a basket of various and assorted makeup, nail polish, lotions, perfumes, and the like. It was a rather large basket, and I wondered if, even if I used a little bit of something from it every day, I would have exhausted it entirely by the time my life ran out.

From Kyoya, art supplies. I was shocked that he'd gotten me anything at all, let alone the nice new sketchbook and charcoal pencils. I speculated that he may feel just a smidgen of guilt for the way he revealed to Tamaki that I was a rape victim; perhaps this was his way of relieving himself of any lingering culpability.

The last gift I opened was from Mr. Suoh, and I gasped to behold the necklace in its velvet case. It was so beautiful, so _me_, that I was almost alarmed by how well a man I'd met only once seemed to know me. Tamaki told me he talked to his father about me all the time, but this… The chain was thin and silver, and when I would put it on, the three ruby pendants, the center one larger than the other two, would hang over the hollow of my throat.

"Would you help me?" I begged Tamaki, handing him the box and watching him pull the necklace from inside. He undid the clasp, fumbling slightly with the tiny mechanism, and I lifted my hair out of the way as Tamaki draped the necklace over my collarbone and clasped it over the nape of my neck. I fingered the necklace, delighted.

"It looks beautiful on you. Do you like it?" Tamaki asked, and he looked pleased as I nodded vigorously, lost for words to be given such a wonderful gift. Tamaki reached out and slid two delicate fingers along the silver chain, his soft fingertips occasionally striking my collarbone, and goose bumps erupted over my skin at the contact. "I'm glad," he said, watching, amused, as I blushed. "I helped him pick it out."

"You're amazing," I told him, leaning forward. Knowing my intentions, he leaned in and met me halfway, our lips meeting. But this kiss, too, was fleeting, and he pulled away much too soon for my liking. "_Tamaki_," I complained.

"I have one more thing for you," he told me, smiling slyly as he picked himself up off the couch. "Close your eyes."

"What are you talking about?" I protested at once, though I obeyed. "You gave me _today_. Any more would be too much, much too much." Because he was already too wonderful for me, and tempting to break the already fragile balance we maintained as a couple would surely send karma to knock my feet out from under me.

"Sshh," he cooed, and I felt him press a finger to my lips. "It's your birthday, and I wanted to get you something. If you don't want to think of it as a gift, then consider accepting what I offer to you as a favor to me."

I could only nod, wishing I could see what he was doing. Illusions danced across the backs of my eyelids, and I imagined any number of tokens he could give me, corporeal endowments that would somehow prove to me that he loved me. Perhaps Mr. Suoh's comment earlier took some toll on me, because for one frightening moment, I envisioned opening my eyes to see Tamaki knelt down on one knee, offering up a ring…

I shuddered and forced the image from my mind. Even Tamaki wouldn't go that far…

I gasped when music, beautiful music, began to encircle the room, originating from the piano in the corner of the living room. Though I hadn't been instructed to, I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at Tamaki, sitting on the bench before the piano, his body swaying with the music he created and a look of serenity gracing his beautiful features. Tears crept into my eyes and I didn't bother to wipe them away. This song, these smooth legato lines that spoke volumes to me, more than words ever could, was a manifestation of his feelings, and they mirrored mine.

Longing to be a more integral part of the music, I stood and, keeping my footsteps as light as I could, as though a single whispered footfall would break the spell, crept to the bow of the piano, watching Tamaki's fingers glide across the keys. Tamaki looked up at me, the melody never faltering, and smiled to regard my expression, knowing the tears making trails on my cheeks were proof I was touched to my very soul by this song. "I wrote this for you," he breathed, and the words weaved themselves into the music itself and made it that much more beautiful.

"You… you wrote it?" I whispered, cringing. My voice didn't seem to belong among these pianissimo notes.

"Well… I had some help from a composer," Tamaki admitted as the melody picked up its tempo, though only slightly. "But it is mostly my creation. And it's for you."

I choked on a sob in my throat and slid away from the bow, walking around Tamaki and stopping behind him to view his adept musician's fingers as he saw them. Being close to the music wasn't enough, though; I was still detached, still only an observer. I wasn't a part of it the way I wanted to be.

Slowly, I pressed my body against Tamaki's, and his muscles tensed as the tempo of the music faltered for only a moment before he corrected his mistake and picked it back up again. I smiled, knowing the effect I was having on him. I rested my cheek against his back and listened to the metronome beating of his heart, feeling my own heartbeat flutter and settle in a pace that matched his. His body swayed beneath me, comforting me, and reality blurred at the corners before everything faded and there was only him and the music, and only then did I shut my eyes and succumb to it entirely.

"I love you, Samayu," Tamaki sighed after a few blissful moments, and his words sent a tremor through my body as immediately tears spilled out of my eyes, and I sobbed as his words impacted me. Everything I had ever wanted, all encompassing me in this moment. I was safe and loved, and every second I spent listening to this song and being in his presence, knowing he loved me, loved me so much he would give me the whole world, became the new greatest, most cherished second of my life.

I opened my mouth, longing to echo the sentiment, but I choked on yet another sob and the words were lost. I clutched the fabric of his shirt in my small fists and prayed that I wouldn't ever have to let go, never have to move away.

But all songs have an ending, and as Tamaki's final chords swelled and unraveled around us, permeating the air with notes I could almost see, he turned around and took me into his arms, holding me and kissing me until I was so full of the knowledge that he had spoken true that there was simply no room in my head or my heart for any other emotion but the pure, golden sensation of unconditional love.

* * *

I couldn't stop smiling; nor did I want to. It held temporary permanence on my lips, and I was positive it would not fade anytime in the near future. Today was the best day of my life. My birthday, which I had wanted only two weeks ago to disregard, and I was infinitesimally grateful that I hadn't. How else would I have known such bliss, such perfection? My lips were sore and swollen from the sheer amount of kissing Tamaki and I had done tonight, and I didn't care. It was a temporary imperfection, but one that belonged only to him, and that fact alone made me forget about my tender mouth.

I had returned home by myself in a car Tamaki had gotten for me; he needed to call his grandmother with a report on something that had to do with business that I didn't quite understand by a certain time, but he kissed me long and passionately before I had finally departed, loath to end the time we spent together.

I prayed morning would come quickly as the car pulled up to the curb in front of my house. If Tamaki wasn't at my door by seven the next morning, I would go to his house and seek him out. Perhaps I would finally muster up the courage to tell him I loved him. He knew I did; how could he not? But I hadn't yet given him the words, and I dearly wanted to.

I got out of the car and it pulled away. The only gifts I'd brought with me were the necklace and the stuffed rabbit, leaving the rest intentionally at Tamaki's almost as a joke; I had an excuse to come back. Other than the fact that the man I love lives there.

I smiled to myself and hummed a few measures of the song, my song, as I mounted the steps leading to my front door and stuck my key into the lock.

The telltale click of the door unlocking never came, however. My door was unlocked.

My smile faltered. Had I left it unlocked this morning? I've never done that before! In my haste, had I neglected… but no, I distinctly remembered turning the key in the lock this morning, hearing it click shut. I remembered because Tamaki had been begging me to hurry, and I laughed as I performed the mundane but necessary task, promising it'd be just a second more.

Suddenly getting a very uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, I pushed open my door. I heard nothing. Perhaps I hadn't heard the lock click this morning after all. Maybe I had turned the key the wrong way.

But then it came. The voice I fear the most, the only voice that could rip away my happiness and create a gaping hole in my chest, the only voice that could make all thoughts of love and bliss run screaming for the hills, leaving only terror in their wake. "Happy birthday, Samayu."

Tears clouded my vision already. No, I didn't want to die! Not yet! I'd only just found my happiness, and Tamaki… if my life ended, I'd never see Tamaki again… I'd break his heart… Oh, god, I imagined him at my funeral, crying over my cold, dead body in a coffin… those beautiful violet eyes shedding agonized tears over me…

That image gave me the strength to do what I never have before. "Get out of my house, Raito," I commanded, my voice firm, much to my shock. "Get out, before I call the police."

My stepfather chuckled, stepping towards me with open arms. "You always did enjoy your little jokes. I've missed you so much, dear."

I stepped away, not allowing him to come closer to me. "I said, get out, damn you. _Go_."

His pleasant expression flickered, and I saw true rage for a moment flash in his eyes. "Come now; I've waited so eagerly for our reunion. Didn't your mother tell you? You can come home. Where you belong."

"Where I _belong_ is far away from you. Now get out, and don't make me say it again," I snapped, fear quickly replaced by fury.

Raito dropped all pleasantries altogether in light of my own new persona. Gone were the days I would let him approach me and tear the fabric away from my body without a fight. I would fight him with everything I had, all the vigor in my body, and he knew it. "What are you going to do?" he threatened in a low voice. "I've disconnected the phone lines. There's no one to save you. Stupid child. That spare key locked in a box beneath the porch, the combination your father's death date? Learn to be original, love."

"Don't you _dare_ call me that," I snarled, the pet name I had heard so often infuriating me to no end, not now that I knew what love was, now that I loved Tamaki so deeply with every fiber of my being.

"Come here!" he hissed, ending our game of cat and mouse as he lunged for me with hands outstretched.

I did the only thing I could in the horror of the moment. Terror stole back into my mind, and my weaker self begged me not to fight him, to spare myself more pain than necessary. But the new Samayu wouldn't allow that, and somewhere in my fear-addled mind, logic took root. I knew I wasn't strong enough to fight him off, but I also knew my cell phone remained in my pocket.

I chucked my stuffed bunny into his face, momentarily immobilizing him as he figured out what exactly had attacked him, and scrambled into the hallway, shutting myself into the bathroom and locking the door just before Raito caught up to me. The door handle rattled and Raito was shrieking at me through the wood, demanding I come out.

My fingers shook as I pulled out my phone and it took me far too long to find Tamaki's number. I couldn't call. Text message, that was soundless. The door was shaking. Raito was trying to knock it over, and he was strong enough to do it, too. I jammed my fingers onto the buttons, trying to form a message that would make sense, sorting through even the simplest words in my brain that suddenly wasn't functioning properly.

In the end, the best I could do was HELP CALL POLIC RAITO

And I hit send just as the door came crashing down and Raito, rage contorting his usually handsome features into a face I could liken to the devil's, grabbed me by the collar of my blouse and threw me out of the bathroom. And as he stole upon me and fabric ripped and buttons popped and I clawed and struggled and bit at him, anything to keep his hands off of me when he was too strong, much too strong to fight off, all I could do was pray for deliverance.

And if I died tonight, pray that Tamaki would forgive me for leaving him. Pray. _Dear God_…

* * *

**And that's a wrap on Chapter 36. Are you mad at me? You should be!**

**So, this was long and amazing to me, and if you think so too you should tell me. Private message me, give me reviews, anything! After all this time and effort, I really need the feedback! So much happened this chapter, guys, from love confessions to this final scene. You were wondering when the plot bunnies were going to come devour Raito? The hour is close at hand! But, I guarantee that hour will be that much closer if you review. What do you say? Give me about eight before I post my new chapter? I think, for this chapter, eight is more than a generous allotation…**

**Love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	37. Aftermath

**And so, we arrive at Chapter 37. I've got a tentative outline for the rest of the chapters which should, hopefully, bring us to Chapter 40 and the inevitable end. I'll be sad to see it go, almost as much as some of you are! I won't bore you with accolades for reading quite yet – we'll save that for the finale (aka lemon chapter =3). I'm sure you all remember the events of last chapter, but just in case you need a refresher: Samayu's birthday is drawing to a close and Raito has returned at last to have his final way with her.**

**I dearly hope that you all enjoy this chapter. We're going to try something new – Tamaki's point of view. I figured, eh, why not? If it's not exceptional, I apologize.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I'd lie and say I did, but I'm a little scared that the plot bunnies that are about to devour Raito would come for me too!**

* * *

**~Tamaki~**

I got the text almost three minutes into my phone conversation and disregarded it, focusing all my energy on business with my grandmother, and only gave thought to it thirty minutes later, after I hung up the phone. My grandmother had sounded colder, slightly more distant than when I last spoke to her; my stomach was churning with unease. I had thought I was making progress with her, but perhaps that had been another one of my misconstrued conceptions. With a ragged sigh, I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I had expected perhaps a snide text from Kyoya, still bitter that I had forced him to come to Samayu's birthday celebration. I had coerced him into attending by reminding him he still owed her something for the way he'd practically attacked her in pursuit of the truth several months ago. I had never forced Kyoya into anything before, although I was a frequent recipient of his own compellations, and he couldn't have been very congenial towards me at the moment. But it had been for Samayu, and therefore, I knew no regrets.

I was pleasantly surprised to see Samayu's name attached to the new message, delighted to think that she could not go even twenty minutes without some involvement in her life from me, so much so that she'd invited my presence in her mind through text. I speculated only a moment over what she could have to say; so much had been expressed already tonight wordlessly through kisses and caresses that held emotions more potent than words could ever convey. Perhaps a final thank you before bed, a good night. I would have been overjoyed with even such a mundane sentiment, because I knew she would mean them fully.

But the words in the message chilled my blood rather than warmed my heart, and at once I froze, horrified, as my mind raced through all the possible alternatives for what her message could mean beneath the surface, aside from the obvious. It was in all caps, which Samayu hates, and there was no punctuation and a misspelled word, all other seemingly inconsequential idiosyncrasies that drive her crazy.

HELP CALL POLIC RAITO

Four words, laced in urgency and terror, and the last word, the name, was what at last registered in my brain and forced me into a state of panic unlike any I've ever experienced before, even when I had found her half-dead in the bathtub, blood trickling across the white tiled floor in slow, molasses streams.

She'd told me at last that it wasn't a suicide attempt; it had been an endeavor by the same man committing unspeakable horrors against her to murder her, stifle her life completely.

I swore colorfully, resisting the urge to scream with my own horror at what was happening to her at this very moment. _Police_, my mind shrieked at me. _Call the police now, damn it_! Oh, god, why had I disregarded that message?! Who the hell cared if I would have made my grandmother furious by hanging up in the middle of our conversation? My girlfriend was getting raped by a sociopathic madman and I had just been _sitting here_, blissfully ignorant, letting it happen!

Emergency numbers were loaded into my phone, but it took too god damned long to find them when my fingers were trembling incessantly as I paced the room, my heart beginning to pound against my chest in a frantic drumbeat as the numbness of realization wore off.

The sound of a person picking up on the other line was heaven-sent. The woman had barely begun to ask what the emergency was when I exploded, words spilling out of me in barely coherent strings, though the panic in my tone was undeniable. The operator must have caught the words _rape _and _murder_, and seemed to understand I was begging them to prevent those very things from happening even though in the back of my head I already knew it was too late for the first one, that I had taken too long. Samayu was surely enduring further horrific violations, perhaps had already endured them, and the best I could hope to do by now was ensure someone got there in time to save her life…

I stammered out the address to Samayu's house and the woman on the other line assured me she'd sent out the signal already, that police and paramedics were assembling as we spoke and hung up the phone. I stared at my phone with a blank expression, trying to wrap my head around everything that had happened in the last minute and a half. I was useless. What could I do? Pray? After everything Samayu's gone through, God sure as hell better be listening to any prayer that has to do with her.

Good lord, what was I doing just standing here?! Paramedics, my mind finally screamed at me. Closely equated with doctors, and what was Samayu terrified of? And justifiably so! She needed Midori, I needed Midori, did I have her number, I couldn't remember…

Not bothering to grab a jacket or find my wallet or anything I would have on a normal basis before leaving the house, my legs carried me as fast as they could move through the halls, frantically racing down the stairs to the main hall and snatching the keys to my car out of a maid's hand without a word. I barely registered that she asked where I was going, and I didn't reply.

Disregarding the fact that talking on the phone while driving is dangerous and throwing my usual zealous beliefs of keeping full attention on the road out the window, I called Otori Hospital and demanded to speak to Midori as I broke several speed laws in my haste to reach Samayu's house. She seemed confused, unsure, but the second I got out the words _Samayu, rape, stepfather_, and several poorly chosen adverbs and nouns that described what was going on, she hung up in the middle of promising she'd be right there.

And I prayed. I prayed like I've never prayed before, prayed Samayu wasn't broken, prayed Raito would be struck down before he could lay another finger on my beloved, pray I could help heal whatever trauma Samayu would suffer after this horrible night – on her birthday, damn him, her _birthday_ – and pray that I wouldn't crash my car before I could get to Samayu and hold her in my arms and promise her everything would be all right, that nothing would ever hurt her again…

There were too many cars parked along the street, too many people standing in front of Samayu's house, curious to see what had been the cause of the ambulance and police cars parked haphazardly in the driveway and even on the lawn, and I couldn't get my car closer than the street over, slamming the door without bothering to lock it and racing up Samayu's street in a frantic bid to reach her house. I passed teenagers in their pajamas ogling at the house, waiting for something else exciting, passed men who had just gotten home from work craning their necks to look at the man brooding in the back of the squad car – Raito, I realized with a modicum of relief, though fury was my primary emotion – and came to the yellow tape that was meant to warn people, normal civilians, to stay away.

I ducked beneath the tape, disregarding the angry shouts that I wasn't allowed, and thundered up the front walk, shoving past two paramedics lingering in the doorway to get inside. Someone was calling my name, and I turned towards the voice, desperately hoping for Samayu, but instead found Midori approaching me with an urgent expression on her face, her eyes shining with some terrible sadness and her mouth pressed into a tight line. I at once assumed the worst. "Oh my god, Midori, she's not dead?! Tell me she's not dead!" I begged her half-crazily, silent sobs racking my shoulders at the very thought.

"She's not dead," Midori assured me immediately, thank god, looking mortified at the very thought. "She's not dead," she repeated, as though trying to convince herself as well as me. "But I haven't seen her yet. They're checking my ID, making sure I am a doctor like I say I am. The nerve…" she huffed her irritation and impatience. "Poor Samayu must be half-mad by now. The bastards must have figured out by now she's terrified of them all…"

"Dr. Usui," a gruff voice called out, and a tall man with a beard and a somber expression pushed through the crowd of various policemen and social workers and paramedics to get to us. He handed her back her driver's license and nodded his approval. "You're good to go see her. I'm not sure how far you'll get, mind you. The girl's terrified out of her wits; one of those poor paramedics tried to take her blood pressure and she screamed like all of Hell was staring her in the face."

My heart gave an agonized throb. Samayu had just been through Hell, surely. And now to be faced with such commotion and to have people akin to doctors in her eyes approaching her, after everything she had just endured... My entire body ached with the pure need to see her, to hold her, to comfort her. My poor girl…

"Take me to her," Midori demanded, and I followed without waiting for an invitation, weaving through the halls I had grown to know so well in the past six months. Tonight they hardly seemed familiar. These halls no longer held the warmth of Samayu's content; no, tonight they knew only pain and horror…

We stopped at Samayu's bedroom, and at first I thought there must surely have been a mistake, for no one seemed to be there. I took in the sight with mortification seeping into my very core; the bed sheets tangled, smeared with – I wanted to cry out – blood, tattered pieces of Samayu's skirt and undergarments littered on the floor, a few buttons here and there… more blood, a particularly large splatter of scarlet on the white wall…

It took me a long moment to realize that the pile of bed sheets in the corner was quivering and swaying, and in that moment I saw Samayu, my love, her body rocking with violent pulsations, hugging the sheets with trembling hands to her body so tightly that her knuckles were white. Her eyes were red and ghastly to look at, the makeup she had applied this morning smeared down her cheeks, caught by her tears and carried in curving lines down to her chin. Her hair, so long and lovely not two hours ago, was tangled and wild, and the roots were smeared with blood. Bruises were developing on her creamy skin; blossoming on her jaw line, her cheekbones. Doubtless there were several others creeping to the surface of her skin, angry purple and yellow reminders of this terrible night, her horrific ordeal. My body throbbed with the desire to go to her side, be with her, but I remained rooted where I was, my legs refusing to follow the commands of my addled brain.

It was Midori who went to her side at once, kneeling down next to Samayu and placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. Samayu jolted and whimpered, her eyes, previously cloudy with anguish, becoming clear and scintillating with tears at once. She shrunk back into the wall, and her trembling increased noticeably. Oh, god, to go to her, to comfort her…

"Samayu," Midori whispered soothingly, keeping her hand light aloft on her shoulder. "It's all right, honey. It's just me. I'm not going to hurt you. It's just me."

Recognition flickered in Samayu's green eyes. I had never seen them more emerald, and while the color was beautiful, it meant her despair was vast. "Midori," she whimpered, her voice catching on a sob as a shudder racked her body. Midori nodded and cooed a few more confirmations, a few more reassurances, and I watched in agony as Samayu slowly unwound her limbs just enough to scoot into Midori's awaiting arms and break down entirely. As the sheet wrapped around her quivering body shifted with her motions, I caught a flash of her skin beneath, near her hip, and though I should have been embarrassed to realize she was naked beneath, I couldn't be. Not when my heart hurt, my head hurt, my entire body pulsated with longing to be the one there for her. And yet this was all I could do; stare dumbly at the scene I felt like an intruder upon and try to prevent from breaking down myself. No; I had to be strong. I had to be strong for her.

Nothing had ever hurt me more than the moment Samayu's eyes caught mine and, instead of the recognition and longing I so desperately wanted to see in her eyes, all I saw staring back at me through those vibrantly emerald orbs was terror, and she wailed and buried her face in Midori's shoulder, her sobs increasing in number and power. I felt as though someone had hit me over the head with a hammer, the rejection was so great. My knees gave way and I slid to the floor, still fighting back my own sobs. Samayu was so hurt, so terrified, and my presence couldn't comfort her.

Midori shared a look with me, one of sympathy, and she rubbed Samayu's arms in a comforting way and murmured to her, "It's just Tamaki, dear. Don't you want to see him?"

For half a moment, I believed Samayu would pull herself out of her delirium and say yes; she wanted me… had it really only been two hours ago that I had played her that song, taken her in my arms, kissed those lips…? Those same lips now that quivered and brought forth another wail, such a heartbroken sound that I cringed to hear it, as Samayu sobbed and shook her head. The sympathy in Midori's eyes deepened.

"Listen to me, honey." Midori spoke softly to Samayu, but she still winced. Midori refused to be swayed by Samayu's sensitivity, her instincts as a physician tugged to the surface by the sight of Samayu's blood and the knowledge of what had happened. "I won't hurt you. I promise. But I'm going to have to take you to the hospital." Samayu let out a sharp, pitiful gasp and shook her head vehemently, but Midori persisted. God bless her. "Yes, Samayu. Nothing bad will happen, okay? But I need to examine you, take care of your injuries. You'll need to tell me and the police what happened, but only after we're sure you're alright. I know this is hard. I know. But this is what has to be done. It'll help us put your stepfather away for good; somewhere he can never hurt you again."

Samayu let out a small noise of fear and pulled away from Midori, but even as the terror in her eyes magnified, she nodded. Midori looked to me pleadingly. "Find her some clothes to wear, please," she whispered, careful not to irritate Samayu's nerves any further. "And then another set to bring to the hospital."

My knees felt like jelly, but I somehow found the will to get up and go to Samayu's closet. The mundane tasks of pulling things off of hangers and out of drawers blurred into nearly nothing inside my head, not even when I dared to open Samayu's underwear drawer. I pulled out a few garments and paused, my gaze settling on a book half-buried beneath fabric. Her diary. Hadn't she nearly attacked me for almost reading it several months ago? That seemed so long ago… I knew now what it was that existed inside that she didn't want me to see. Back before I knew about any of this, anything about the true extent of her pain…

Never berating the impulse, I pulled her diary from the drawer and shut it, returning to Midori and handing over both sets of clothes, and left the room before I was asked. Once in the hall, I caught sight of my reflection in a picture frame. I was ghostly pale, but then, that was to be expected. I felt like I was going to vomit. I swallowed back bile and tears and stood with my back against Samayu's bedroom door, waiting. I caught a few soft tones of Midori's voice as she coaxed Samayu into getting dressed. Lord, it took so long. When Samayu slept at my house, in the mornings she took all of fifteen minutes to do everything, it seemed. Shower, dry her hair, get dressed. I was always appalled by how quickly she could move. But it took her twenty minutes to dress in merely a t-shirt and jeans, and the waiting was driving me slowly insane. Even though Samayu – I cringed to even think the words – didn't want me, I still needed to see her, assure myself every second that she was still present at the very least, her spirit wasn't broken… because if it's the last thing I do, I'll help her through this…

When the door opened I nearly toppled backwards into the room. Samayu saw me and shrank into Midori's side, whimpering. I took a few hasty steps back, trying to apologize; no sound came from my throat. Perhaps that was for the best; I might start screaming, or crying, or something, if I let any miniscule noise slip past my lips…

"I'm not letting them take her in an ambulance," Midori confided in me softly, stroking the ends of Samayu's hair, avoiding the locks matted with blood. I could see the gash on Samayu's forehead now, and god, I wanted to kiss her pain away… "Can you drive?" Midori asked. "I need to stay with her."

I nodded mutely, and Midori passed me her car keys. I remembered for a fleeting instant that my car was parked on the street, unlocked, but I decided I didn't really give a damn, not when Samayu was so much more important. It was one car that I have money enough to buy hundreds more of. Samayu is Samayu. My dear, suffering girl, my love… how could anything compare to her?

Midori's car didn't run much different than mine, and as I drove, I had to remind myself to watch the road rather than the image reflected in the rearview mirror; Midori hugging Samayu close to her, still murmuring reassurances. Samayu finally spoke a few coherent words, and I almost cried in relief. I had been afraid I would never hear her beautiful voice again. And even though her voice was rough and laced with anguish, it was her voice. "I don't want to go to the hospital," she whispered.

"I know, dear," Midori said gently. "I know."

* * *

Waiting was agony. Nothing has ever taken so long in the history of the world. Every second that passed felt like a season spent without Samayu, every minute a year without her by my side. She was in an examining room, one of the places she hates more than anything in the world. God, how I wished I could have been by her side, but Midori had explained enough about what would be going on for me to know that was not something I was yet prepared to see. And Samayu would be even more terrified… baring herself again to another person entirely, even though this time the hands on her would be gentle, seeking a diagnosis instead of some sick pleasure…

I heard Samayu scream from inside the room, a terrified and wordless protest, and I moaned and buried my face in my hands. Midori had barely breathed the words _rape kit_ and _pelvic exam_ before she'd disappeared into the room with Samayu, and I knew what that entailed, and I knew after what Samayu had just been through the last thing she'd ever want to do was allow herself to be subject to anyone that way… but to hear her actually scream when faced with the prospect tore me apart. Maybe it was a good thing I was in a hospital; my heart was about to implode inside my chest.

I was seated on a bench outside the exam room, internally suffering through a nervous breakdown, fighting with propriety and a desire to delve into Samayu's innermost thoughts. Her diary sat, unopened, on the bench next to me, both condemning me and inviting me. Why had I taken it? It had been on a whim, an impulse I couldn't explain then and had no explanation for still, even with my head clearer than it had been when I had grabbed it – although not by much.

And God forgive me for what I was about to do.

I couldn't believe that, with all the thoughts she had poured into this journal, she hadn't hidden it somewhere it would be less likely to be found, hadn't found some way to lock it. The pages were worn and many were tattered and dog-eared, some crinkled by salt in her tears and others containing dark brown blood stains that had once been crimson. I had seen the first page already. She started this diary the day her father died.

I felt like the words burned my eyes; perhaps that was because of the great emotional anguish behind each word or maybe hellfire, flames damning me for daring to read them. But once I began, I couldn't stop. Her agony over her father's death… the way her mother couldn't look at her… the day she started cutting… emotional accounts of almost every day she lived through the grief…

I was shocked when the passages took a turn – she was _happy_, for about three months. The dates were more spread out at that time, and I was sickened to read about her mother's new boyfriend, how nice he was, how much she liked him. Her art had been lighter for a while… she loved showing it to_ him_, that bastard…

I didn't realize I was crying until tears began dotting the pages. This was where it began. She had written about the night, the first night her stepfather had come to her… not extensively. It was in pen, and she had scribbled out so many beginnings, incoherent strings of words that mirrored the chaos that surely must have been tumbling about her head. There were so many drops of blood on that page…

* * *

Diary Excerpt

_I don't… Tonight Raito… I feel so vio… I trusted him…_

_Raito came to my room tonight. He put his hands on me. I wanted to tell him to stop, but my voice didn't work. _

_His hands were cold. _

_Is it my fault? Did I do something?_

_I kept trying… but I couldn't make him stop_.

* * *

Oh, god… my poor girl. She was fourteen when this started. Fourteen fucking years old, and some sick man had ruined her life. Her_ life_; not her. And now, after three years, this horror story written into her journal is coming to a close. How I long to be her happy ending!

I couldn't read any more about her life before the Host Club. I already felt like I was going to vomit, and envisioning the true extent of what she had suffered through would send me over the edge, and I might have given into temptation and continued in chronological order, but I still needed to be strong for Samayu. Be there for her the second she needed me.

But I still found it too painful to peruse those pages. The increase in bloodstains was astounding, nauseating, and Samayu's obvious self-loathing terribly apparent. It killed me enough as it was, but then I heard Samayu's heartbreaking scream again from inside the room and felt my insides churning and twisting even more violently. I felt sicker than I had ever felt in my life.

I skipped ahead once more, unable to bear it. Maybe another night, one not laced with such tragedy… grimacing, I found the entries from almost nine months ago, entries on pages clear of tears and blood.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_Two weeks have passed since my mom kicked me out of the house and I joined the Host Club. I'm different. Happier. Some of the girls at school still aren't very nice to me, but I definitely feel like I'm fitting in better. A lot of girls only talk to me to try to hear secrets about the guys, but I haven't given them anything. Like I really need Kyoya on my case for giving something confidential away. No thank you._

_I have six regular customers. Three of them are the guys who were a part of my first audience as a host, including the second year who persists in hitting on me. The other three consist of two more first years and a third year. The third year guy seems disconnected, like I was for the longest time. He doesn't talk a whole lot, but he listens intently to everything._

_Tamaki's been great. Sometimes he's annoying as hell, but overall… you know. He tries to hold me to that suicide watch thing and be with me at all times, even when I'm asleep, but usually I just wait for him to fall asleep and relocate to a different room for some privacy. He's taken to referring to himself as "Daddy" or "Papa." I'll be darned if I know what that's about._

_I haven't cut in two and a half weeks. The scars on my arms are fading into white lines. Sometimes I really miss the blade, but I've found that I don't really need it._

_It's possible to live. And to be happy._

* * *

I let out a long, slow and shuddery breath. Those were the days. Had I really been such a naïve fool? Calling myself her father… truly an idiot. I had loved her all along.

Sighing at the memory of my own genuine stupidity, I turned the page, greeted by an entry from the days when she had been sick and I had gotten her to go to the hospital, to meet Midori for the first time. And thank god I had! Who knew where we'd be without her?!

* * *

Diary excerpt

_I almost wish Tamaki would stay away… I hate him to see me so weak, so pale. I'm humiliated every time I vomit in front of him. But then, if he stayed away, I wouldn't know the feeling of his arms around me, his hands running through my hair as his voice comforts me. Is it wrong to enjoy it so much? If this is all I'll ever have… I'm going to need all the memories I can to get me through the rest of my life. I can pretend, somehow, that Tamaki loved me like I love him, when I remember things like that_.

* * *

Love?! Love?! But… that was two months before we started dating! Samayu… loved me… loved me before I even realized that I loved her. Why had we wasted all that time? Oh, god, maybe this wouldn't have happened tonight… My sweet girl… This time, I could not contain the sob that slipped past my lips.

And then… a two-month long gap. I could hardly believe it. If she hadn't stated it had been two months in her entry, I would have sworn there were pages missing. That entry told me she had been waiting for me to pursue her all along, had even been hurt by how I'd seemingly lost interest for two months. How far from the truth that was! Those two months had been agony, but I had been so sure that giving her space was what was right, what she needed. Why had I been such an idiot?! I wasted _two whole months_ staying away when we could have been together, happy, like we had been for the past four months!

The entry the day we'd kissed the first time. She'd savored it just as I had, _more_ than I had. And how happy I was that I had told her the truth about our kiss being my first – she was overjoyed to hear it! She said she wanted to be the only girl I'd ever kiss. And oh, god, I vowed she would be.

And finally, a four month gap, leading straight to the diary's concluding entry. I knew she was terrified of this being all a dream, but I had no idea she suffered nightmares because of that fear. Such internal masochism was hardly necessary… oh, why did she have to suffer so much? What could I do to alleviate it? If I had to hold her in my arms every night as she slept to relieve her of those nightmares, I'd do anything to make sure that happened. God, I just didn't want her to suffer anymore… not to be in pain anymore.

My body was trembling with silent, racking sobs when the door to the examination room opened at long last. I jolted and snapped the journal shut, leaping to my feet to look into Midori's somber expression, her eyes cloudy through a haze of her own tears.

"How is she?" I croaked out desperately. My voice sounded all wrong. "Is she alright?"

"She's getting dressed." Midori removed her glasses and wiped at her eyes to rid them of tears. "Damn that man. _Damn_ him. So much damage… tearing. Nothing that won't heal," she added as panic raged throughout my body, clearly displayed across my features. "But it will be a good month before then. He brutalized her. She told me it had never been that bad before. Her skin is more purple than peach, there's a gash on her forehead that barely avoided needing stitches, she's hypersensitive to any and all human contact… oh, god." She shook her head and let out a gasp, containing the sob I knew longed to escape from her throat. I was fighting back my own again. "We're lucky she's alive, Tamaki," Midori whispered. "When the police got there, Raito was trying to suffocate her. They thought he'd succeeded at first; she wasn't moving. But she'd just… given up."

"My poor baby," I breathed, ducking my head as I rubbed my palms against my eyes, desperate that Midori didn't see me cry.

"There's hope, I think." Midori's voice was gentle and her hand came to rest on my shoulder. "I wouldn't be telling you any of this if Samayu hadn't given me permission to."

_Some hope_, I thought bitterly. She still didn't want me, did she? If only I could go to her! I have never ached more to do anything as I ached to hold Samayu in my arms at present. "So what happens now?" I asked hoarsely. Would my voice ever return to normal?

"There's not much more. We've completed a rape kit, she let me document her injuries, and after a lot of coaxing, she allowed me to examine her. You… did you hear her…?"

"Screaming," I supplied meekly, shuddering to remember the sound.

She nodded once, her lips pursed. For a moment we stared at each other in silence, uncomfortable silence. There was too much emotion for the air around us to be anything but awkward and painful. At last, she said, "There's no need for her to stay here overnight. She's going to come live with me, for now. She accepted my proposal, and the hospital is giving me some time off. It might help her to have you there, too, once she's managed to calm down a little. You're her constant – she might want you once she can wrap her head around things again."

"I'll do whatever you think is best for her," I swore vehemently, so relieved there was the chance all wasn't lost.

"Well, then, Tamaki… I hope you won't mind sleeping on my living room couch. The guest room is Samayu's."

"Anything," I promised. I'd never slept on someone's couch before. This would be new and foreign, but who cared when Samayu's recovery was my main objective? I'd sleep on a bed of knives if it would help her get better.

* * *

The couch was not a sufficient bed. It was about a foot shorter than my body, and the stuffing was compact and hard at some parts, jutting painfully into my back and sides no matter how I laid down, making getting comfortable an impossibility. And I could hardly relax with Samayu a door away…

I'd driven Midori's car to her house as, much like on the way to the hospital, she sat in the back with Samayu. My girlfriend had a bandage on her forehead and was indeed covered in developing bruises, was still ghostly pale and trembling, her eyes shining with tears and fear, but she did seem better. Not so frantic…

Midori's house was a little smaller than Samayu's, but set up much differently. With my poor sense of direction, I easily got lost inside her house, expecting the rooms to be laid out the way they were at Samayu's. Midori and Samayu had disappeared into the guest bedroom the moment we got there, and Midori had left the room alone after about forty minutes. All she told me was that Samayu was in bed, and that she was going to do the same. She advised me to get some sleep as well and retired, her face pasty white.

Eventually I drifted into a fitful sleep, haunted by Samayu's screams and the sight of her so frightened and pitiful, like I had never seen her before. And I was the one who had, once upon a time, discovered her having a nervous breakdown slash panic attack in a locked closet.

The sound of shattering glass woke me up. For a moment, disoriented, I thought that perhaps it had been only in my dream, but then I heard muffled sobs coming from down the hall and, without thinking, gravitated towards the sound with urgency. Samayu's voice was like a summons to my blood.

I went into the bathroom hesitantly, and what I found… my heart was breaking in half merely to look at Samayu, my poor love. She was in agony; I could see it twisting her beautiful features as she trembled and cried on the bathroom floor, surrounded by pieces of glass from the irreparable mirror over the sink. She was wearing a tank top and shorts, likely clothes Midori gave her to borrow, and I gasped when I saw her skin – a patchwork of her usual creamy apricot color and the yellows and purples of bruised, abused skin, along with the reds and browns of scrapes and a few cuts. Brutalized, Midori had said. What an appropriate word.

I should have expected this, and therefore the feeling like a knife being twisted into my gut should have been duller, but I felt it sharp and biting as my gaze focused on the jagged shard of glass in her quivering fingers, positioned over the inside of her left thigh, and the three long, bloody gashes running parallel there. She gasped when I came in and looked up, and tears spilled out of those brilliant green eyes. "T…T…Tamaki…" she breathed in a barely audible voice. But she did not shrink away from the sight of me… a good sign…?

I knelt next to her. "Oh, Samayu," I whispered, my voice shaking, as I reached out and pulled the piece of glass from her grasp, careful not to touch her in the slightest.

She sobbed. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" she begged me, burying her face in her hands.

"Oh, honey," I cooed, my body throbbing with the need to touch her. I wrestled with my longing until I was sure I could restrain myself and offered weakly, "Let me go get Midori…"

"No!" she whimpered, terror in her gaze. "Please don't tell her!"

"Samayu, I have to." God, it hated me to refuse her when she looked so panicked.

"She'll be mad at me!" Samayu insisted frenetically, her breaths short and ragged. "She'll be so mad…"

"She won't be mad," I tried to reassure her, wishing like I've never wished before that she would calm down. Such stimulation couldn't be good for her. "I promise she won't be mad." Very slowly, so as not to alarm her, I stood up.

I froze as her small hand darted out to clutch my pants leg. She looked as though I were about to go get the devil with the intention to steal her soul. "No!" she gasped desperately. "Don't go!"

My heart throbbed. Did she mean for me not to leave her, or just not to go get Midori? I couldn't tell! "You need Midori, Samayu," I tried convincing her, but I doubt my dead tone held any persuasion. And I assumed correctly, because she shook her head and let go of my pants leg, burying her face in her hands again and losing herself to sobs.

Oh, god… I couldn't take it anymore! "Samayu," I breathed, kneeling next to her again, praying she would give me the response I needed to hear. This was now as much for me as it was for her. "Please let me hold you."

But she shook her head even more vigorously and told me in a weak voice, "I'm filthy. I'm so filthy… I'll taint you."

I let out a sigh of relief, though too soon. "I don't care about getting blood on me, love." She whimpered at the pet name, and I bit my lip and took note not to call her that again. Too much too soon. "Now let me hold you and get you back to bed while I go get Midori."

But even as I reached for her, she scooted away from me, her face still hidden behind her hands. "_No_. I'll ruin you." Her voice cracked on a sob in her throat.

And then I understood. She truly thought she was ruined, and she believed this lie so very deeply that she was sure by even touching her, I would be tainted as well. Tears clouded my vision, but I swallowed them back and pleaded softly to her, "You won't ruin me, darling. It's alright. Please, Samayu… please, let me hold you."

She shook violently as her gaze locked on mine, and for a moment I feared she'd revert back to the way she was when Midori and I had first gone to her back at her house, but at last, she tentatively crept towards me. I sat down on the bathroom floor with open arms, and the moment she crawled into my lap and broke into sobs as she wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her face in my chest, her tears soaking through the fabric of my shirt to give me further tangible proof of her suffering, I buried my face in her hair and hugged her tightly against me, finally getting to murmur comforting words to her as I had longed to all night. My poor girl… I kissed her temples and her brow and her cheeks, the salty taste of her tears further incentive to take her pain away as much as possible, but never did I dare to kiss her lips. That would seem an intimacy too far for her current state.

I was spared the trip to Midori's bedroom when she appeared in the doorway. I watched her face as she took in the scene unraveling in her bathroom; the shards of glass, the shattered mirror, Samayu in my lap and sobbing into my chest and her blood sullying the floor. She knelt down next to us and placed a hand on Samayu's shoulder. Samayu looked up at Midori and her face blanched. "Please don't be mad!" she begged urgently, her eyes darting from Midori to the broken mirror to the blood smeared on the tile floor.

"It's alright, dear, sshh," I crooned, running my fingers through her hair.

"I'm not mad," Midori breathed, and I felt Samayu relax in my arms, thank god. Midori looked to me for an instant and asked quietly, "Did she hurt herself when she broke the mirror?"

"She cut her leg." I merely mouthed the words, knowing Midori would catch the true meaning and trying to spare Samayu any further worry.

Midori nodded and stood up, wetting a towel in the sink and opening the cupboard and pulling out a roll of bandages. "Samayu, will you let me wrap your injuries?" she asked gently, kneeling again and placing a light hand on Samayu's knee. Samayu, such relief in her expression that I wanted to cry to behold it, turned and nodded. Barely touching her, Midori cleaned and wrapped the cuts on Samayu's thigh and then looked to me. "Get her back to bed, please. I'll take care of this." She indicated the mess of glass and blood on the floor.

I merely nodded and stood, holding Samayu tight in my arms. I dreaded the moment I would have to let go of her. Samayu began to tremble again as I carried her into the guest bedroom and laid her back in bed, her hair landing in tangles atop the pillows. I knelt on the floor and brushed a few brunette locks away from her face. "Honey, what's wrong?" I whispered, combing the tangles from her hair with my fingers.

"Please don't leave me," she whimpered, her small hand slowly reaching towards me. Her palm, soft and warm, cupped my cheek and I sighed and leaned into her touch.

"Never… love," I replied, hesitantly using the same pet name. This time, she gave me no reaction that indicated it was unwanted. Reassured by that, I mimicked her motions and cupped her cheek in my palm. She made a small sigh, a sound of contentment. "I'll be right here until you fall asleep."

"No," she protested, her eyes glistening with tears. "Don't leave me _ever_."

Oh, god… "Never, darling, never," I vowed earnestly, my heart twisting further. This time, I couldn't be sure with exactly what.

Her hand moved from my cheek to my wrist, and she made a meager attempt to tug me closer into her. "Lay with me," she begged, her voice trembling. "Oh, please hold me."

I couldn't give a damn about propriety tonight. If she hadn't been so shaken up, I might have taken more time to figure out where my arms should go, how I should position myself, but she adamantly pulled at my sleeve and, too eager to indulge her, I crawled into bed beside her and awkwardly positioned my arms around her small, subtly pulsating body. She wriggled her body as close to mine as she could get and let out a long sigh that sounded as though all the suffering in her body was leaving her in that one instant. I had no time to worry about the way her nearness was affecting me, and how the hardness of my desire would press more prominently into her belly the closer she got. But even as that moment came to pass, she showed no reservations. But then, sleep had half-claimed her already; I wasn't sure she was entirely comprehending the reality surrounding her.

"Don't leave me," she begged again as her eyelids slid shut. "Please don't leave me."

"I won't leave you," I promised, wondering how many times I would have to tell her that until she would believe it. "I'll always be right here, honey."

"I love you," she whispered, and I sucked in a sharp breath. I had known that already, of course, but hearing the words, the three most beautiful words that had ever been spoken to me, set tears to pooling in my eyes.

"Oh, Samayu," I breathed, lowering my head to graze a kiss to her brow and nuzzling my face into her hair. "How I love you! How I've _always_ loved you!"

"I love you," she murmured once more, erasing any smidgen of a doubt that may have existed in my head about having dreamed she'd spoken those wonderful words to me. "I love you…" Slowly, her breathing evened out as she drifted into sleep, and when I was sure her slumber would be uninterrupted by nightmares as she sighed and snuggled into my body until she couldn't get any closer to me, I eagerly followed suit.

* * *

Waking up holding her in my arms still was the most wonderful sensation I have ever known – and I've felt Samayu's lips on mine countless times. My body was deliciously warm, spreading throughout me from my center. Samayu's body was still against mine, an expression of peace on her sleeping face. At some point in the night, she had shifted in a way that her brow was barely an inch from my lips, and my breaths set the hair around her face to fluttering softly. Our heartbeats had synchronized in the night; even our breaths were drawn at the same times. I loved her more and more with every passing second, and as her crescent lashes slowly began to open, I kissed the top of her head. The corners of her lips turned up in a smile.

As the haze of sleep began to lift, I saw the imperfections on her face, caused by Raito, which made me hate him that much more. Bruises on her cheekbone and jawline, darker than they had been last night, the bandage on her forehead, her eyes still red at the corners and shadowy circles beneath. But her eyes were brighter and the smile on her lips, something I had been terrified I would never see again, content, and I could only see _her_, my Samayu, and her strength astounded me. How could she smile so soon, how could her eyes be so bright?

But coherent thought failed me when she tilted her face towards mine and gave me a slow, soft kiss, merely a touch of lips, but oh, how it meant the world to me! She pulled back and wrapped an arm around my waist, and I gasped. The motion alone amazed me, and I was humiliated when I felt my desire press more firmly into the soft curves of her body and terrified it would scare her off. She didn't seem to mind, however. She nuzzled her face into the hollow of my throat. "Good morning," she whispered.

I was still unable to wrap my mind around the prospect of speaking, when she had astonished me so, but I knew my feelings came across perfectly clearly as I lowered my head and buried my face in the crook of her neck, pressing a light kiss to her collarbone. She shuddered beneath me, but her expression showed no fear; only pleasure.

"What time is it?" she asked, though she made no motions that indicated she intended to get up. I looked past the top of her head to the clock on the bedside table. I was astounded. It was one o'clock – in the afternoon. Of course, it had been about two in the morning by the time we'd even arrived back at Midori's, and about four a.m. at the time of the bathroom incident, and I knew that lately Samayu has been exhausted in general; after last night, I wouldn't begrudge her as much sleep as she needed. Perhaps her restful sleep had been contagious.

I reluctantly let her go and sat up, running a hand through my hair. "I think it's time to get up. It isn't a good morning so much as a good afternoon," I said, gently gripping her shoulder and sliding a hand beneath her back to help her sit up. She let out a sharp gasp of pain and grimaced, and I released her at once, mortified with myself. "Samayu, did I hurt you?!"

She clenched her teeth and pushed herself into enough of a sitting position so she could lean forward and place her elbows on her knees. "My body is sore everywhere," she mumbled, and as the sheets fell and pooled around her waist, I saw that the bruises weren't just darker on her face – her skin was marred by maroon and beige blotches of battered skin.

I let out a long and slow breath, indescribable rage bubbling in my chest. I wanted Raito dead. She looked away from me then, her cheeks flushing red, and I hated to think that letting me see the damage embarrassed her. Tentatively seeking a way to reassure her, I leaned into her and brushed a kiss to a bruise on her shoulder. She let out a small sound of surprise. "Tamaki?"

Maybe she wanted me to stop, but I didn't want to; as a matter of fact, I wasn't sure I could. Ever so slowly, always giving her the chance to pull away and startled when she didn't, I trailed kisses along her arm, granting kisses to each patch of discolored skin as though a brushing of my lips would help to speed along their healing. When I reached her wrist, my hand sought her waist and I pulled her closer into me and began on her other arm, peppering her bruises with kisses until I had come to the end of them on her arms, and all that was left was a small patch of abused skin on her collarbone and the bruises on her face. She arched her body into mine as though it were an instinctual reaction when I kissed her collar, and the small sigh that fell from her lips when I kissed her jaw and then her cheekbone sent a shiver up my spine.

"I love you," she breathed.

I kissed her nose, the only patch of skin from a series of kisses that wasn't bruised. "And I love you," I assured her, and was humbled to see her lips turn up in a content smile.

The door opened and Midori came in. When she saw the way Samayu's eyes were brighter and her cheeks a little pink, she sighed and smiled and came over to both of us. "Good afternoon, honey," she greeted Samayu, sitting next to my girlfriend and wrapping her arm around Samayu. Samayu rested her head on Midori's shoulder. "How are you feeling?" Midori asked.

"Better," Samayu replied, to my relief. Even though I could see she was better, hearing her affirm it out loud was still comforting. "I'm still… I'm not sure. Not 100 percent, I guess, but a lot better."

"Would you like something to eat?" Midori asked, and Samayu nodded. Midori shooed me out of the room as she helped Samayu stand – her knees wobbled, poor girl, and her legs were so much worse than her arms – and I didn't mind leaving her alone as much now that I knew she was going to get better, that the immediate aftermath had been the worst of it. I knew we weren't clear out of the thick of it yet, since Midori and I are the only people Samayu trusted before last night – she'll probably have strong reactions to people outside of the two of us, not very positive reactions. I can't imagine she'll go back to school soon… I'm sure we could arrange for her to do what little schoolwork remained for the year here, away from a classroom setting that would force her to be surrounded by people.

* * *

Samayu held my hand throughout breakfast – or lunch, I suppose, given the time – and a police officer stopped by; a female police officer, thank god. Even the sight of another person set Samayu to shivering uncontrollably, but with her permission Midori and I stayed with her as she gave her statement, though recalling what Raito had done to her took far too long and much of what she said was so quiet we had a hard time picking up everything she was saying – though the recording device was hypersensitive to sound and picked it up, we were assured before the officer left.

And Samayu, in the face of the memories resurfacing as she'd been forced to recall them which she had been struggling to forget, reverted back into a state akin to the way she had been last night. It wasn't nearly as powerful as then, but it still hurt me when she flinched away from my touch and was utterly dependant on Midori for hours, and I could only watch from a safe distance as my heart felt ready to split in half.

Staying away from her was difficult, almost too difficult. It was as though my body remembered the feel of hers in my embrace, and every fiber of me ached to experience that sensation again and again. She was like a drug, only far more addicting.

The evening came and Samayu still hadn't regained strength enough to approach me, and after the three of us indulged in a movie, Samayu curled up next to Midori as I sat in the armchair five feet away from her and stewed in jealousy, she went to bed, this time assuring Midori she needed no help. I tried to let her allow Midori to go with her, as she still winced every time she took a step, but she only shook her head, refusing to look at me.

Knowing she was going to sleep alone made me… uneasy. It was as though a part of me believed I couldn't protect her if she wasn't in my arms, her warm body pressed against mine so I could feel the life in her, her breath tickling my collar and the sound of her heartbeat close to mine. But what could I have done? She hadn't asked for my presence, and the thought of stealing to her bedside and traumatizing her in a haze of sleep, where Raito ran rampant through her subconscious, made me tremble. I was a man, and one who desired her to my very core – surely, as she tried to recover, I would not be welcome at her side unless given her express permission to be there. I knew the only reason she was comfortable around me when her head was clear was that she knew, even with the way I ached for her, that love ran much deeper and more powerful than the wanting I experienced when I looked into her eyes.

Midori was called into the hospital about an hour after Samayu retired; they were short staffed for the night, they said, and would she please come work until the morning? Midori wasn't keen on the idea, but I got the feeling she hated to let anyone down, because she hung up, asked God to please let Samayu sleep until she returned, and left me in charge in case anything went awry.

I didn't like being in charge. I may delude myself into believing I'm the master of the mansion I live in, but I know in my heart that, should something go wrong, I'd be helplessly relying on the servants to tell me what to do and where to go. I have no real responsibilities at home. Now, I was alone in the living room, the news playing muted on the television as I pondered the full extent of the ones I had been suddenly given. Care of a house, for a few hours. That was simple. It was a house; it wasn't going anywhere. But care of Samayu… that was something else entirely. She was asleep a wall away, desiring nothing more than security, and I was supposed to provide that for her at present.

I realized that, the way I'm planning our life together, the responsibility of ensuring her security wasn't going to go away when Midori returned. For the rest of my life, I want to guarantee her safety, her happiness. I love her. God, how I love her! We may only be boyfriend and girlfriend for now, but what about in a few years, when we're both out of high school, both adults? I want her to be mine in every way possible. Legally, emotionally, _physically_. I want to marry her. I want to bind her to me for eternity so I can take care of her, so everyone knows she is mine alone and therefore mine to care for.

But the reality of her present condition was disconcerting to my fantasies of a future together, of a wedding, a honeymoon, a life…

I understood that she would be terrified, on and off, of me; not because _I_ frightened her, but because _what I was_ frightened her. Midori had explained very clearly that female rape victims often become afraid of men, but she was sure that in Samayu's case, this fear wouldn't manifest so potently – because of me. Me! Because I was the person Samayu was closest to, and even though at times the fear would overtake her she would never fall into the abyss of it completely, because I had been there for her before the incident and remained by her side, devoted and genuinely concerned, now, after the terrible ordeal.

I knew it would only be a matter of time before Samayu's phase passed and she wanted me again, but I knew she was still in the midst of it now… and had no idea what to do when I heard her scream. Midori wasn't here – I was all that was left to comfort her if she needed it, and what if she was still afraid of me? What happened then?!

Swallowing a lump that was lodged in my throat, successfully preventing me from drawing calming breaths into my lungs, I approached the door of the guest bedroom and peered inside, pleading with God to make her alright and needing me, not Midori.

I found her tossing fitfully about in her sleep beneath her covers, whimpers and moans slipping past her lips as she suffered a nightmare, struggling against an enemy that did not exist on the physical plane. My heart twisted as another cry escaped her, and I couldn't let her endure whatever horrors her mind had fabricated when she was too weak to fight them off.

Although I knew I should approach her cautiously, with a modicum of reservation, my body would not obey my mind when the need to awaken her and end her internal masochism was so great. As I went to her bedside, I saw the tears beading her sealed crescent lashes and smearing her cheeks, and with trembling hands I brushed them away, still harboring my own fears. Would she want me or, in the wake of this terrible nightmare, would she find me more terrifying than before?

"Samayu," I crooned softly, almost afraid of my own voice. "Samayu, sweetheart, wake up." Leaning over her bed was dangerous; practically inviting an unwanted reaction from her to find a man at her bedside. Oh, god, what was I doing? "Samayu…"

Her lashes fluttered once before they shot open, but those beautiful greens did not dart about and survey her surroundings, and I wondered if she was still submerged in the fog of sleep as I called her name one more time.

She cried out and I winced as her voice caught on a sob, and then her eyes found mine and she stared at me. I had expected to see fear in them, and I did; but in her next breath she revealed the cause of it was not what I had thought. "He was here," she whimpered.

Very slowly, I reached for her and brushed the hair that had caught on her tears away from her face. "It's okay, honey," I reassured her gently as she trembled. "What you saw wasn't real. You're safe."

She drew a shuddery breath into her unstable lungs and shut her eyes again, shaking her head. "No… no… he'll always come, he'll always be here…"

"Sshh, darling, sshh," I cooed, trying desperately to calm her as I cupped her cheeks in my palms as gently as I would hold a china doll. I was terrified she truly would break in my grasp. "He can't hurt you anymore. You're safe here. No one will hurt you again."

"Hold me," she begged, and I was only too eager to acquiesce. I crawled beneath the covers with her and she wriggled herself against my body before I had time to even adjust myself to lay comfortably with my arms around her. Clutching at the fabric of my shirt and hiding her face behind the backs of her small hands, she whimpered, "Don't let him near me. Oh, god, don't let him hurt me."

"Never, love," I promised, grazing kisses to her brow. She was still crying, and how it hurt me! Each tear was a fresh gash in my chest that would only heal when she was happy and content once more.

She calmed down as the minutes passed, her watery breaths slowing and her heart rate decelerating as reality slowly took root in her sleep-hazy mind. She was so warm… so soft. It amazed me that anyone could ever want to hurt her. Not my Samayu. She was so fragile… she had always acted strong, introverted… using words like venom against others to protect herself. If only more people had seen through to the frightened girl beneath that belligerent façade, perhaps this could have been prevented. Perhaps she wouldn't be so scared.

"Did you read my diary?" she whispered against my chest, her voice so soft I almost didn't hear her.

My muscles tensed when I thought of telling her the truth; that I had betrayed her and helped myself to her innermost thoughts and secrets as though I'd had some right. But the thought of lying to her and adding another treachery to the list was unbearable. "Yes," I admitted, humiliated.

She let out a long sigh, and I cringed, waiting for it. The anger, the fury, the _Tamaki, you idiot, I hate you and never want to see you again_. I forgot to take into account that the Samayu who would have done that to me was very different than this one, the Samayu trembling in my arms with her tears staining my shirt. "Good."

"What?" I blurted out, so appalled I forgot to keep my voice low, and she winced. My heart lurched and apologies poured from my lips as an instinctual reaction. "I'm sorry… sorry."

"I'm glad you read it," she mumbled, and I felt an upcoming sob rack her body. "I want you to know what I am. I want you to know how broken and ashamed I am. I want you to feel sorry for me… That way you can't leave me."

"Leave you?" I whispered, horrified. "Samayu, I would never leave you."

But she shook her head and cried against my chest, this newest of delusions refusing to relinquish possession of her. "You would," she insisted. "You'd leave me if you didn't know everything. You have to stay now because you know I'd die without you. So you have to convince yourself you love me so you won't be entirely miserable staying with someone like me, broken and used… and I'm a horrible person, because I want that. I want it! I want _you_!" She sobbed, ducking her head so I couldn't see her tears.

"You have me," I murmured, clutching her body and hugging her tightly against me, desperate to ease her fears. "You have my heart, my very soul. You are not broken. Leave you? How could I even begin to imagine that? When I love you so very completely?"

She gasped and I was shocked when her arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer into her than I had dared to move, not when my desire for her was so fierce at present. What was wrong with me?! My poor terrified love was in my arms, crying, traumatized, begging me never to leave her, and I was aroused?

"I love you," she cried, and I couldn't help but kiss her forehead, trying to offer unspoken reassurances. "I love you so much…"

"And I love you," I cooed, cupping the back of her head and weaving my fingers into her hair. My eyes focused upon her face; tears were glistening on her cheeks and her eyelids were drooping, but the smile on her face was real; of that I had no doubt. "Sleep now, love," I commanded gently, pulling her face towards my body. Her cheek rested against the skin over my collarbone. I curled a strand of her hair around my finger as her eyelids slid shut. "You're safe here," I vowed, feeling her heartbeat drumming in her chest as it eased into a steady thrum, telling me a restful sleep was possessing her. "Sleep, and know I love you."

*** * * Six months later * * ***

**~Samayu~**

I sat at my kitchen counter with my diary open before me, chewing on the cap of a pen and pondering over anything to write down. There was too much that had happened since my last entry, and I had only just found this notebook in a box that had remained unpacked in my bedroom until this morning. I had been putting off rooting through those last few boxes far too long, and Midori had finally informed me that if they weren't cleared out by the time she got home from work, she'd find some vaccination I hadn't yet received to administer to me. So I'd set to work, eager to finish before Tamaki came to pick me up for dinner at his family's mansion. I smiled as the thought occurred to me. I could start there.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_Six months seems forever ago. Too much has changed, and I couldn't be happier. Tamaki's grandmother finally let him into the main Suoh house, and he is officially the heir to the Suoh empire! And as if that weren't enough, his father has finally convinced her to end the agreement she made with Tamaki four years ago, and Tamaki's mother got into Japan from France this morning. He's with her right now, catching up on everything that has happened since he last saw her four years ago. I get to meet her tonight, and for the first time, Tamaki's entire family is going to be together. I didn't want to intrude on that occasion of occasions, but Tamaki simply refused to take no for an answer._

_Mothers… I suppose mine must be mentioned. Even after everything that happened, after it was revealed that I was telling the truth all along about Raito, she still wouldn't take me back into the main house. The last time I saw her was five months ago, when she came to visit me at Midori's house. The best I can say for her is that she was genuinely remorseful, but even looking at me seemed to be killing her from the inside out. She apologized. I was so sure… but no. She offered to set me up in a mansion with servants, to make me comfortable until I finally decided to head into the world independently, but I refused. I suppose you could say that, in the moment, I realized it was healthiest to cut off all ties to my family, which had been suffocating me for so long. My mother simply was not meant for motherhood; it was as simple as that. My mother hugged me – hugged me! She hadn't done that for years! – and her final words to me were that she loved me. I get the feeling those are the last words she'll ever say to me, and I'm not entirely sure she meant them._

_So, now, I have a new legal guardian. Midori adopted me at once, and we bought a new house, throwing out as much of my past as we could and starting anew. She is the mother I've always wished for. Not that I call her Mom or anything. That would be too weird._

_I'm a second year, officially. People have moved on with their lives, and it's… scary, to realize how the world goes on. The most shocking change is that there is no longer a Host Club at Ouran. The girls were heartbroken._

_Haruhi and the twins are in America, studying in a city called Boston. Haruhi won the scholarship to study abroad, and Hikaru, her loyal boyfriend of two months, had been so devastated by the news that he'd brooded for all of two days and then gotten himself into the study abroad program. And, of course, where Hikaru goes, Kaoru goes…_

_Hunny and Mori are college students. Hunny will never let me hear the end of how I missed their graduation ceremony, but I know it's just teasing. I was in no state to be around a group of people when the school year ended. He and Mori sometimes stop by and visit, and they even came back to have lunch with me, Tamaki, and Kyoya my first day back at Ouran._

_There really was no way to resurrect the Host Club; on that, we were all agreed. What with three of our members overseas, two having graduated and attending university, and one so hopelessly devoted to his girlfriend, all that's left is Kyoya. And he was only ever in it for the money, so what was the point?_

_I only just started going back to school two weeks ago; up until then, I'd been receiving private tutors and undergoing extensive psychology appointments, trying to prepare me for returning to Ouran. My return was all anyone could talk about that first couple of days, and I have never been more popular. Everyone kind of tiptoes around what happened six months ago, and that is fine by me. As soon as Raito's trial is through, it will be too soon if I never hear his name again._

_His trial starts tomorrow. There is no doubt in my or anyone else's mind that he will be found guilty; there is simply too much damning evidence against him. As terrified as I had been immediately after that last time six months ago, I was very glad I'd let Midori do that rape kit. She admitted that they probably didn't even need it to prosecute him, but any evidence that could put him away for good was fine by me. I had forgotten that I'd bought security cameras for my house – and they caught everything. I am testifying against him tomorrow. For the first time in six months, I will have to look him in the eyes. But this time, I'll make sure he doesn't get to me. I will tear him apart with the truth… I will prove to him that, despite his best efforts, I am not ruined, and I am fighting back with every cell in my body._

_I am a different person. Almost unrecognizable. I am loved, and I am in love. I am happy, and surrounded by people who I can make happy. I am safe. I am whole. And that's all I could have ever asked for._

* * *

"Are you sure you're all right?" Tamaki asked concernedly the next morning, watching me tie my hair back in a professional style. Or try to, rather. With my hands trembling the way they were, I couldn't manage it properly.

"Here, let me help," Tamaki offered, taking the hairband from my shaking fingers and doing my hair properly, the way I had been attempting to. He had this uncanny ability to fix my hair – I supposed it had come from months and months of admiring girls, long before he had even met me. It didn't surprise me he would have studied their hair – especially when he had always seemed so enchanted by mine.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," I admitted, blushing. "I mean… this is what I want. I want him put away for good."

"And he will be," Tamaki assured me, his hands settling on my waist as he kissed my temple. "He did terrible things to you, Samayu. It's only natural to be nervous." He pressed a kiss to my cheek.

"Would you stop playing around and kiss me already?" I asked, already my nerves melting beneath the curtain of romance and love falling over us. Tamaki chuckled and gave me what I wanted. Our lips met with no hesitation; kissing was practically second-nature to both of us in mechanics by now, but the sensations that came with each contact of lips felt new every time. Warmth spread from my center to my fingertips as his tongue slipped past the seam of my lips, dancing with mine.

"I love you," he murmured against my mouth. "So much."

I immediately went to echo the sentiment, those beautiful words that made me blush each time he uttered them and, quite recently, caused a heated, liquid sensation ripping from my core to settle between my legs; that reaction had appalled me when it had first happened, three weeks ago, when I realized I was aroused by him, so much that three words could bring on desire that washed over me in waves and made by body ache. But before I could reply with those same words, my bedroom door opened.

Tamaki and I sprang away from each other hastily out of modesty; not that Midori hadn't caught us making out before, but it was always embarrassing to be seen by someone else, for unexplainable reasons. My adopted mother rushed into my room, and immediately I grew worried. She looked… sick. Pasty white, even a little green, and quivering violently.

"Midori?!" I asked, rushing to her side. "What happened? What is it? Are you sick?!" I was more than concerned for her, but even so, a selfish part of me below the surface of worry begged her not to be sick, because I didn't think I could go to the courthouse and testify against Raito without her.

"It's… it's all over the news," she replied numbly, sitting at the foot of my bed and staring blankly into space. "It just… happened. Everyone's reporting it. It's all the media can talk about."

"What is?" I begged her, kneeling at her feet and looking up at her pleadingly. "Midori, please, what happened?"

She met my stare, and I couldn't decipher the emotions in her eyes. "It's Raito," she said shakily. "Someone… shot him. He's dead."

* * *

**Oh, boy, what a tease I am! But after almost 13,000 words, you guys can't be too mad at me, I hope :) What did you think? I'm satisfied! This story is coming to an end. Who wants to cry? (Me! Me! I do!) I wanted this chapter to be done a long time ago, but I haven't had a lot of time. I used to write before school, but then I got contacts last week and since they're still new to me, it takes me about twenty minutes a day to get them in.**

**I'm not looking forward to writing the next chapter. It's all explanations... and we delve into the mind of a psychopath. But after that, a chapter of fluff... and then that lemon I know you're all eagerly awaiting!**

**Reviews, please! They are my bread and butter! We broke a record last chapter – 13 reviews! Can we break it again? I'm challenging you to it!**

**Love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	38. Confessions of a Madman

**Chapter 38! We are so close… three chapters left (including this one). Are you sad? I am. I'm not sure how long this chapter will be, but as I promised, we are delving into the mind of a sociopath. As much as I hate Raito, there must be explanations as to why he did what he did… and of course, there are other loose ends to tie up. I guess, plot-wise, this is the last chapter. The last two are epilogue chapters, but whatever gets you more Tamaki and Samayu I'm sure is fine by you! So, enjoy Chapter 38, try not to crawl into a computer to strangle Raito, and don't be too upset the end is near!**

**Disclaimer: (crickets chirp) Do I really need to say it? (fanfiction copyright police nods) Fine… I own nothing.**

* * *

I didn't know whether to be ecstatic or if I should curl up in a ball and fall apart. I would have thought hearing that the person who brutalized me, nearly killed me, was dead would have brought on waves of joy that came with the knowledge that not only could he never hurt me again; he could never hurt anyone else, either.

But the fact that he had been murdered… shot, Midori had said… it mortified me. I didn't know how to react. A rapist had been murdered, but why? Who on earth could have held a grudge against him greater than I? He had raped me countless times, attempted to silence me forever on more than one occasion. And… I didn't kill him. Not that I hadn't fantasized about it, once or twice, in various ways. Strangling him, shooting him, poisoning him or suffocating him like he had once tried to do to me. But those macabre fantasies had merely been coping mechanisms. If I imagined myself strong enough to fight him off, defeat the man who had hurt me more than anyone else, then I was strong enough to face other people.

I watched the news in mute horror, Tamaki's steadying hand around my waist as I clutched the kitchen counter for extra support, my limbs limp and weak and my body trembling. Raito Mitsurugi had been shot dead this morning outside the courthouse while being escorted to his trial. He had barely mounted the steps of the courthouse when an assumed sniper had shot him from across the street.

His head had been blown clean off.

It made me sick. It made me terrified. It made me feel like I was drowning, unable to draw breath into tight and restricted lungs, making my chest ache and my head pound. My vision was blurry, and for a merciful moment I thought I might be losing consciousness, but no; it was only a haze of tears that accompanied further shortness of breath. I felt like someone had ripped an incredible hole in my chest. Why was I so shaken up?! A madman was dead, a madman who had hurt me in indescribable ways, and my reaction was to go entirely numb until I couldn't feel anything but all-consuming panic and… unexplainable grief. Why should I be _upset_ he's dead? What was wrong with me?!

"Breathe, honey, breathe," Tamaki gently reminded me through the chaotic fog encompassing my mind. His voice was right at my ear; I could feel his breath tickling my neck, and yet I hardly heard him. I tried to obey, tried to draw air into my uncooperative lungs, but the oxygen got caught in my throat and at once I tasted bile, acrid and potent, in the back of my mouth.

"Oh, god," I choked out, wrenching out of Tamaki's grasp and racing into the kitchen, knowing there was no way I was going to make it to the bathroom, and just barely made it to the sink in time to vomit. Tamaki was half a step behind me, ignoring my awkward attempts to shoo him away from me as I threw up again, gathering my hair in his hands and holding the ends away from my face.

I yanked the knobs on the sink to wash away the tangible proof of my horror and sank to the floor, still retching, as I buried my face in my hands. "Oh, god," I moaned again. Now, on top of the awful feeling crashing over me in torrential waves, I had just vomited in front of Tamaki, which I hadn't done in over a year; not since the last time I caught the flu.

Dead… Raito was dead. I still wasn't entirely sure I believed it. Raito had been this omnipotent figure in my life for two years, seemingly indestructible. I'd never seen him weak, never felt his resolve falter. His presence, his existence, had always seemed set in stone. Eternal. To be faced with accepting that such a supreme force was gone entirely… the very thought was destabilizing my long-ago accepted reality.

As I considered the power he'd held over me for so long, and _still_ held over me… memories, unbearable images that I had tried so desperately to forget in the past six months but failed to erase from my mind entirely, spun through my psyche in a nauseating array of despicable emotions that had always accompanied his presence. Those memories had been the constant source of my nightmares; I often woke up screaming to endure the illusions my subconscious painted in front of my eyelids as I slept. And I didn't always have Tamaki at my bedside to keep such distressing hallucinations at bay.

And I_ should_ be happy that Raito was dead; that was the worst part. In spite of the moral unacceptability of finding joy in the death of another human being, I knew I should have been happy. Maybe I'm a better person than I thought I was, because try as I might, I couldn't be happy he was dead. Raito is… was… a man who committed countless sins and atrocities, both physical and emotional, against me, and I had been so eager to force him into a lifetime of imprisonment… but dead…?

"Midori, come here, please!" I heard Tamaki calling urgently through the haze of confusion running rampant through my conflicted mind. I realized that he had been calling to me all the while I was madly attempting to sort out my twisting emotions, and I had been ignoring him as background noise. "I think she's having a panic attack!"

I'd had panic attacks before; this was close, but definitely not a full blown nervous breakdown. And at the moment, engulfed in nightmarish recollections of the history I shared with Raito, I could barely tolerate Tamaki's hands on my shoulders; I didn't want someone else touching me. I vigorously shook my head, refusing Midori's approach as I splayed my fingers to peer out through the gaps that motion created without moving my hands away from my face. I realized I'd been crying when I felt my tears smear on my palms, and for some reason that upset me further. I was already distressed over Raito's death, and that was bad enough; I didn't want to be crying over him as well. I had some difficulty finding my voice with the way my throat seemed to be closing up, but after a few attempts to elicit sound from my vocal cords, I breathed out a shuddery, "No… I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" Tamaki pressed gently, and I felt his hand move from my shoulder to my crown. I winced, my entire body suddenly sensitive to human contact, and his hand froze on my scalp. I hated that I made him feel guilty for touching me when I was in this state; each time it happened, I wanted to curl up and disappear from the shame of it all. I had done this too often to him in the past six months; depending on my emotional state during psychology sessions, I would come out either desperate for Tamaki's arms or quaking at the very thought of him touching me – and more often than not, it had been the latter of the two. I cast him a look that was both apology and a plea, and as he slowly untied my hair and ran his fingers tentatively through my locks, I tried to relax against him. Conditioning myself to his touch was crucial to the process of my emotional recovery. "It's okay to be upset, love," Tamaki murmured as he gently worked a tangle out of my hair, much to my shock.

"It's not _okay_," I hissed through my teeth, a shudder ripping throughout my body as I voiced my fear. Thinking it and admitting it aloud were two very different things; speaking the words made them real, almost a vow. "There's something wrong with me. I shouldn't be so… _distraught_." There it was. The perfect word to describe my emotional state, and I hated myself with every fiber of my being because of it.

Tamaki's caresses grew firmer, and slowly I learned to appreciate the comfort he provided. "He was a big part of your life for a long time," he said softly, his hand faltering as I arched into his touch and then regaining its rhythm when the brief moment of shock passed. "It only makes sense that you're shaken up."

I still didn't believe him, but I was in no mood to listen to further useless attempts at persuading me. So instead I leaned a little further into him, burying my face in the folds of the jacket he wore to hide my tears from his regard. Clutching the fabric of his coat in my hands to appease the fitful trembling of my fingers, I whispered, "But _why_? Why is he dead?"

It took a long moment for his answer to come. I imagined he was sharing a look with Midori in the silence, baffled by my sudden breakdown when my distress shouldn't have been nearly this strong. His hand was frozen on the nape of my neck, but I didn't mind too much, likening its position to an awkward embrace and wishing for his arms around my body instead. I wanted him to be my knight in shining armor and save me from this most fearsome of enemies – my own mind, which refused to accept Raito's death as reality and mourned his loss still.

I jolted when Tamaki's lips grazed my brow, but as he drew away with an unspoken apology in his gaze I shook my head and pulled him back to me, refusing to allow myself to push him away again when I knew that it wasn't truly what I wanted. My nerves had their own agenda, but I refused to let them control me. Hesitantly, Tamaki's arms curled around my frame and I rested my head in the crease of his neck. Sighing, he finally replied, "I don't know, Samayu. I just don't know."

* * *

It didn't take long for the press to flood our lawn, desiring statements from the victim of the murdered rapist. I certainly didn't want to talk to them; I barely even wanted to talk to Tamaki and Midori. Not that Midori was exactly available to speak to; she was far too busy trying to figure out exactly what was going on. She was on the phone all day with anyone who could give her any information; namely, the police. The phone rang at frequent intervals and the sound began to fray my nerves until it got so bad I was forced to lock myself in the basement to escape the noise. Tamaki was at my side at every moment; my constant guardian angel, and as reality slowly began to take root in my mind the memories flowed in overpowering arrays, until I was reduced to little more than a shaking mass of limbs and tangled hair, and no matter how tightly Tamaki held me or whatever sweet words he whispered in my ear, he could not banish the horrific and unavoidable recollections.

I hated being so weak; betraying so much of my true nature to anyone. The truth was that I had never been strong. That had all been a façade, a desperate bid to keep others away. No matter how many times Tamaki tried to convince me otherwise, I was convinced in my heart this was accurate. Strength would have been fighting back against Raito and forcing my mother to listen to me. Strength would have been finding help. But no; I was weak and had suffered alone because, more than anything, I'm a coward. And I wonder every minute Tamaki is with me how he managed to fall in love with such a pitiful human being.

Lunch was such a simple affair it was almost comical, consisting of dry peanut butter sandwiches on wheat bread that we all barely nibbled at. Midori was unable to eat and talk on the phone at the same time, and by the time I decided we'd all fantasized the concept of a meal enough the crusts of her sandwich had barely been nibbled at. I was unconvinced my stomach would accept food with the way it still churned and left mine untouched. And Tamaki took a few meager mouthfuls before he claimed himself finished; understandable, as he is not even slightly fond of peanut butter. His first experience with it was…well, it sent me into fits of laughter, but he had been in a state of panic and unable to voice his frantic concerns, struck with the inability to speak. Such is the effect of peanut butter stuck to the roof of one's mouth.

By evening the sea of reporters in our yard had thinned to a few hopefuls, mostly younger interns looking to impress their seniors, lingering at the mailbox, and the phone had ceased its infernal ringing. The silence was accompanied by relief, and as Midori prepared for the late shift at the hospital, Tamaki and I made our escape by taking my car out and keeping the windows resolutely shut as the remaining reporters smudged them by desperately pounding on the glass, asking questions muffled by the barrier that I ignored. I wanted to surrender none of my feelings… especially when I still couldn't sort them out.

With nowhere I wanted to go, because most everywhere harbored crowds of people that I could not bear to face in light of the day's events, we drove to his family's mansion, where I was greeted with open arms by his mother, who I had taken an immediate liking to last night at dinner. She is very like Tamaki; or rather, Tamaki is very like her, and I felt just as secure in her embrace as I did Tamaki's. His father was equally welcoming, though he didn't linger in my company as his wife did. I was bitterly convinced that it was because of the newest of tragedies that came attached to my presence, but Tamaki assured me his father merely had business to attend to and my dead stepfather had nothing to do with it.

Tamaki's grandmother was somewhere in the house as well, though she didn't emerge to greet me. All the better, really; I had only met her for the first time last night, but she had regarded me with unconcealed suspicion, as though she believed my intentions with her grandson were questionable. As if I needed her money, or her status! I was wealthy in my own right! Despite giving me up to Midori's care, my mother has still guaranteed me every inheritance of my birthright, and I am therefore heiress to an oil company and a fashion empire.

Tamaki and I returned to our failsafe; a _Lord of the Rings_ movie marathon, the films having been fished from the half-unpacked boxes filled with his possessions as the mansion's employees transitioned his life from the second Suoh mansion to the main house. This time we were accompanied by his mother, who had never seen the films. But barely half a movie was enough for Anne, who admitted that action movies were not the kind of films she enjoyed, and she left us to enjoy the rest of it alone, affectionately tousling Tamaki's hair and even laying a kiss to my head before she made her exit.

As soon as she had gone, I paused the movie. Tamaki made no complaint as I had expected him to, and looking towards him I blushed to realize that his main focus this whole time had never been the movie; his eyes had always been attentively regarding me. He saw the sorrow creasing my brow and manifesting as tears in the corners of my eyes, and at once he pulled me into him and cooed, "What's the matter, love?"

I couldn't quite explain why it hit me so hard and so suddenly; perhaps everything, the realization that Raito truly was dead and all the raw emotion that came with it had all caught up with me at once, and it slammed into me as painfully as any tangible blow, knocking the air from my lungs and leaving me struggling to regain a breath as my chest ached with the beating of my violently thrumming heart. There were no words to describe my feelings, and as tears escaped and cascaded down my cheeks in curving pathways, I tugged at Tamaki's hands and begged him, "Play something for me. Please."

Tamaki's piano playing has a calming effect on me, even stronger than his embrace does. Wrapped in legato lines of melody, I feel just as safe as I do in his arms, and as his music flows through me I can imagine the notes settling over my nerves and extinguishing the tingling of electricity circulating throughout my body, and my every muscle relaxes until I can barely remember what upset me so to begin with.

Smiling his consent, Tamaki got to his feet, and I followed him across the hall to the mansion's music room and to the magnificent grand piano, watching him seat himself with anticipation mercifully beginning to replace grief, and as his hands settled over the keys and struck the first few notes of a Mozart lullaby, a sigh fell involuntarily past my lips. He had played me this piece once before; six months ago, the first time he'd played for me since my birthday after Raito had been imprisoned to await his trial, when I was still mostly a shell of myself. This music had brought me peace then, and it returned now to calm my nerves once more.

I weaved my arms around his torso, careful to ensure I did not disturb his arms, and experienced each rise and fall of his body along with him. His heartbeat was stabilizing beneath mine, and as my own heart syncopated to match the steady thrum of his, I shut my eyes and rested my cheek against his back. "I love you." I breathed the words like a reverent prayer, determined that I should convey the sentiment now, at all times. I had been so disconnected all day, barely registering a word he spoke to me and flinching at his every touch even as I fought against the instinct to do so.

The melody was soft; a lullaby indeed, calming my restless mind and even summoning a haze of sleep to settle over me like a curtain. It was early still, barely eight o'clock, but I knew as Tamaki reached the lullaby's final cadence and shifted flawlessly into _my_ song, the one I could still barely believe he'd written for me, that slumber would take me as its victim and I would go all too willingly and without reservation. The notes faded beneath Tamaki's fingers as they struck the final drawn-out chord, and he turned to take me into his arms, smiling to regard my drowsy countenance. "Bedtime," he stated softly as he brushed a lingering tear away from my cheek, and I nodded as he lifted me up into his arms. It continuously amazed me that he could carry me as often as he did; he did not appear too terribly strong physically, but I had enough proof from his continuous embraces to know otherwise.

His languid pace soothes me each time I consent to letting him carry me, which is not nearly as often as he'd like. I do prefer to keep _some_ of my dignity, even if what little I have left scarcely consists of a few scraps. But that doesn't mean I don't cherish every second spent in his arms, cradled against his heartbeat as he takes his time on the journey to my bedroom. I smiled against the fabric of his shirt, hiding it from his view, pleased to know he was drawing out every moment of this that he could. He was as loath to put me down as I was for him to release me.

I clung to the moment with desperation, forcing myself to remain awake so that I could experience the full extent of the time spent in his arms, but when we finally arrived at the bedroom I would put to use, an unfamiliar new room in this mansion, I could barely keep my eyelids from sliding shut. But Tamaki gently shook me into a state of lethargic consciousness, reminding me that I shouldn't sleep in my clothes and I that I needed to remove my contacts, among other typical pre-bedtime rituals. I managed well enough, and as soon as Tamaki deemed my efforts adequate, he kissed my forehead and offered me a final embrace and a goodnight before he slipped from the room, leaving me to feel his absence immediately like a hollow in my chest as I crawled into bed and fell captive to sleep's hold.

* * *

The nightmares that night were terrible. Perhaps their substance wasn't any more horrific than usual, but they were so vivid, and that alarmed me more than any nightmares I've suffered before. The terror coursing through my body heaved me into alertness with a violent tremble, and I almost screamed; but then I remembered where I was and savagely bit my bottom lip to keep the sound from escaping. I didn't know where Tamaki's grandmother was, but the last thing I needed was for her to banish me from the mansion because I woke her up screaming over mere delusions.

But they didn't feel like delusions, not to me. Raito's hands… the memory of them, the way they felt on my body, were burned into my skin like scars, invisible but hideous, and absolutely everywhere. They were always cold, forever an oddity to my mind; a man surely condemned to hellfire should have felt searing to the touch, but no… his hands always burned in a much different way, like ice on dry skin. I felt the ghosts of those hands everywhere, and my skin was blanketed in gooseflesh as it tingled in the most revolting of ways.

My entire body was tense, and as I tried to relax, memories still dancing transparently before my eyes, I realized my legs were clenched together, desperate to prevent an unwanted and nonexistent intrusion, and the upkeep of such rigidity for only God knows how long made them sore. Releasing the tension in my legs sent a dull throb up the length of my spine as I calmed myself, soothed by the knowledge that this was reality, and the threat I had anticipated for so long was gone forever.

Dead…

The word ripped through my mind and a shudder racked my body. Gone would have been one thing… imprisoned for life much preferable to death in my mind. And all of a sudden I was angry, furious with the man who tortured me and violated me for having the audacity to die when life was about to condemn him as he deserved. He had escaped punishment through his death, and that infuriated me – when things were about to become hell for him, his own living nightmare, he got to avoid it all. My own hell, brought to the forefront of my reality at his hands far too many times to count, I had never been able to escape. I had been forced to suffer, always required to endure, and no matter how many times I had pondered death as my salvation… I couldn't kill myself.

Maybe I'm not going to Hell for who I am or what has happened to me, a revelation I've only recently undergone, but killing myself would have damned me for sure. Death is God's way of passing judgment, deciding when we should be purged from the earth, and taking my own life would have denied him the chance to make his ruling… and I would have been punished ruthlessly for that, surely.

The telltale creak of the door alarmed me without a knock to precede its opening, and I gasped and sat up, clutching the fabric of the sheets to my body as a lingering hallucination of Raito with his urgent, dangerous hands outstretched and his eyes flashing with sick anticipation overpowered me for an instant. But the silhouette in the door, blurry to my inadequate eyes, was not that of a ghost returning to haunt me; it was that of a familiar figure, one that was entirely flesh and blood.

"Tamaki," I breathed out in disconnected syllables, my voice painfully close to a whimper as the memories faded into the background to leave me trembling amidst my bed sheets. My boyfriend was frozen in the threshold of the door, a hand on the frame. It was too dark to see his expression, but I could feel his gaze upon me, and a curious sensation of worry twisted in my gut as his eyes scanned me urgently. I shifted on the bed, looking away from his shape, and demanded breathily, "What are you doing in here? Coming to a girl's bedside in the middle of the night at your family's home is hardly proper." A meager objection, but only because I was so humiliated for him to find me in this state.

He replied with an accusation of his own, one that silenced me. "You were having a nightmare," he declared never once looking away from me, and I pulled the bed sheets further up to hide myself behind. "And you didn't come to me."

What could I have said? That I didn't want him? Because I did. Even having him in the same room and yet so far away made my body throb with yearning for him to come closer, or to go to him. But when fear had long since seized control of my limbs and not desire, I was rendered quite immobile. I opted instead to stare back at him with wide eyes, unsure of how to respond; unsure of how he _wanted_ me to respond.

I wasn't entirely sure this wasn't a dream; this had certainly never happened before. Tamaki had come to my bedside before of course, but only when I'd been screaming. How he knew about the unendurable illusions this time remained a mystery to my confused mind.

He crept hesitantly into the room, leaving the door slightly ajar as if to insist his intentions were honorable to any outside prying gazes, and proceeded cautiously nearer.

"How did you know?" Coherent speech seemed suddenly foreign to me, and I was amazed that my question came out as I had intended, however soft and strained my voice may have been. "I… I didn't scream." The statement sounded ridiculous to my ears, but as Tamaki approached and I could see emotion in his expression, the words faded from childish into matter-of-fact.

"But you did," he revealed, and I could only hope that it was too dark for him to see my cheeks as they tinted pink with humiliation. And I thought I had hidden my terror so well, biting back shouts of horror… it seemed that asleep, I didn't have nearly as much control over the manifestations of my fear. I curled my knees into my chest, still apprehensive in the presence of another person after the assault of my most despicable memories as Tamaki lightly perched himself on the foot of my bed.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled against my knees. "Did I wake very many people up?"

I was appalled to hear his soft chuckle, muffled as he tried to stifle it against the back of his hand. "Just me. In truth, I wasn't asleep," he informed me, extending a hand towards me with an inquisitive look in his eyes, seeking my permission. I made no objection when his hand rested on my knee. "I can't sleep with you a door away. I have this idea that you'll wake up and need me, and I won't hear you. And a good thing too, tonight… I waited a good ten minutes for you to seek me out since I heard you scream, but you never came. I expected it, after the last time…"

The last time… Two weeks ago I had slept at his house, when he had still been in the second mansion, and I was so jostled by nightmares that time I had stolen to his side and sought solace in his arms, audacious enough to crawl into his bed before an invitation had even been extended. How brazen I was, and I suffered embarrassment for days because of it!

"I can't depend on you forever," I said quietly as a reply. And I knew it was true – forever was a long time, and so many _maybes_ existed in that vast expanse before us… there would come a time when I would be forced to deal with my nightmares entirely alone, no Tamaki or Midori there to pick up my broken pieces, and I had accepted that already, though attempting to ward bad dreams away alone had thus far proved fruitless. "You won't be here forever," I choked out beneath tears I was winning against at the moment.

"But I'm here now," he pointed out gently, ignoring my thinly veiled accusations against the _forever_ he had promised me six months ago. "Tell me what to do. If you want me to ward the nightmares off, I'll stay… I'll hold you… but if you'd prefer I left…" His hand slid from its place at my knee, and my body went cold the minute he severed the contact.

"No!" I protested at once, my hand darting out to catch his sleeve, pulling his hand back towards my knee and then decidedly further, pressing his palm against my cheek and holding it there. Tamaki's fingers brushed against the sensitive flesh beneath my ear, and my body tingled with a desire I could not repress – didn't _want _to repress. My tears overcame me and spilled out over my cheeks. How I hated to be so weak! "Don't go," I pleaded with Tamaki, almost disgusted by my clingy supplications but feeling them necessary nonetheless.

He shifted his weight closer to me to grant a caress to my other cheek, tears striking his fingers. "What on earth made you think I was going to leave?"

I shook my head and reached out desperate hands to his shirt, clinging to the fabric over his chest and urgently seeking his mouth with mine, swallowing his lips in a kiss. I had evidently startled him, but the unceasing fervency of my mouth moving against his slowly coaxed a response, his tongue sliding between my lips to tantalize me further. As I tasted him my body squirmed involuntarily as longing washed over me, and I couldn't bear even an inch of distance between us, pulling his body closer to mine until there was no room for air to pass between our clothes. His fingers weaved into my hair, combing through tangled brunette waves until they reached the end, and his hands returned to my cheeks, cupping my face as his fingertips extended to my brow. Kisses would never be enough for me, I realized. I wanted so much more, but I was terrified to take anything further.

Tears fell from my eyes again as he pulled away, fresh and further betraying the desperation spreading throughout me from my very core. "Why can't it always be like this?" I cried against his throat, holding him as though this would be our final embrace. "Why can't I just be _normal_?"

Tamaki's response was immediate and set me to crying for entirely new reasons. "Because then you wouldn't be Samayu. You wouldn't be the girl I love." His lips grazed my hairline once in reassurance. Sharing a long gaze with me, he pried my arms away from him and lowered me back down onto the bed.

"Stay," I whispered as my tears spilled into the hair tangled atop my pillow.

Tamaki cast one more furtive glance to the door, and then seemed to decide propriety wasn't worth his time. He crossed the room and shut the door entirely, and then returned to my side, crawling beneath the covers and banishing my nightmares as I curled into him, savoring every hard plane of his body, desperate to be lost to every one.

Tamaki's fingers made their way through my hair once more, and laying kisses to my brow he commanded gently, "Go to sleep, my love."

No more thoughts were given to Raito that night. In Tamaki's arms, my dreams could only be delightful, and I fell back into sleep knowing no emotion but content as I listened to the lullaby of his heartbeat and felt his arms wrap around me as though he never intended to let go.

* * *

I had never given much thought to wills before. I know that most people compile them, but I had never been the recipient for one nor given consideration to the prospect of ever writing one. I had certainly never expected to find answers immediately after the reading of the Last Will and Testament of Raito Mitsurugi…

He left all his earthly possessions to me. His money, his various mansions, even his company – they were all suddenly mine. And I didn't want them. It felt to me like some sort of sick joke, as though he expected this to be compensation for all the wrongs he'd committed against me. I raped you and destroyed your life, but look! You get all my millions of dollars! It wasn't worth it. Raito tainted everything he touched, and everything he touched was now mine. Maybe it wasn't compensation. Maybe this was his final torment.

Still, the letters he left to me… as horrible as they were, they held the answers to all my questions. And I hated him further, but at the same time was grateful to him. It seems that, whenever I think of him, I will never be able to loathe him entirely. Perhaps that's what he wanted; for at least one person to remember that he wasn't awful all the time. People aren't born evil. People become evil due to the sins committed against them and the nature of their tolerance. Raito's tolerance was little, and the sins against him great.

The letters had been written from his prison cell, sealed, and never opened until my trembling fingers ripped into their envelopes. I was told that he had been supervised each time he asked for a pencil and piece of paper, but he had never permitted any of the words to be read, insisting they belonged to one person who alone held the power to decide who else got to see them. As though he respected me. What a joke! Every time he touched me, his hands were laced with desperation, not passion. His mouth was harsh and demanding, never reverent. He had never explained to me what would happen or why it hurt so much…

His first letter told me of his childhood. He had grown up rich, of course, Mitsurugi Group then headed by his grandfather. He had never known love growing up. I was at least fortunate to have one parent who loved me... he had neither, and no siblings or friends to help relieve the loneliness. He was born after a failed abortion, his mother hating him for merely existing. She was a vain woman, who never forgave him for ruining her body or eating up her time and their family's money. His father was unaffectionate and an alcoholic, bitter at his own father for not handing over control of the company to him when he had turned an appropriate ago to take it over. Raito had endured beatings at his father's hands too many times to count. I had seen the scars on his body, of course, felt their rough texture where only smooth skin should have existed, but never given more thought to such imperfections than I hoped he'd suffered agony in their bestowment. Now… I even _regretted_ those sadistic thoughts. Compassion for a rapist, my almost-murderer! What was wrong with me?!

Trying to force myself to feel anything other than sympathy, I reached for the next letter and undid it with shaking hands. Tamaki sat next to me on the couch in my living room, never a word spoken, watching me with an intensity I shuddered further to be the recipient of. I knew he was ready to reach out and hold me the moment the emotions became too much. I didn't want them to overtake me, refused to let them, but the first words of the next letter made me forget any self-made promises of remaining strong and set me to shrieking instead, a wordless scream of grief and rage that would not quell. My life ruined by deaths more than once, and here was the answer to an unsolved mystery that had been driving me mad for three years.

_It was me who killed your father_.

The words didn't register in my mind at first, horror from the first letter still the primary emotion swirling around my thoughts, but then the full impact of truth hit me and I screamed like a bloody maniac. This letter suddenly felt like my salvation and damnation both; all my answers, truths I hated to learn and yet wanted more than anything all on a mere slip of paper. It seemed so wrong that such a commonplace item should hold so much weight, my very sanity, inside of it. A piece of paper that could either be my redemption or destruction…

And then the letter, that life-altering piece of paper, was out of my hands, stolen from me, and the thief's arms were around me, his voice begging me to calm down and breathe before I passed out. In my crazy lapse of an epiphany, I had completely forgotten Tamaki's presence, but even as I complied with his requests and gulped air into lungs that felt suddenly inadequate to perform such a necessary task, I snatched for the letter in his grasp, trying to pry it from his fingers with frenetic desperation, but even when I clawed at the back of his hand in my attempts he still would not release it. "Give it back," I demanded in broken syllables, and only when my voice caught on an anguished sob did I realize I was crying. "I need it! Give it back!"

"No," Tamaki said, plain as anything, and I hated him for it. My sanity was clutched in his curled fingers; couldn't he see that?!

"Give it to me!" I hated to throw such a tantrum, but this was more than some childish desire to take back what was mine. This was for the sake of reclaiming the very key to my soul. For three years a part of me has been dead, and while that part can never be entirely revived, that letter will help breathe life back into that desolate piece of my heart and make me human again… and save my soul for that reason alone.

Tamaki's eyes were brimming with emotions I didn't want to see; pity and resolve. His gaze was stern and his voice even more so. "Not until you calm down." He glanced down at the letter clasped against his palm by resolutely curled fingers and then slid it into his pocket, and I began at once to design ways to get at it. He must have seen the plans formulating in my head using my desperate, calculating eyes as a gateway to my thoughts, and his hands found my wrists, pinning them against my lap before I could act. "You need to get a hold of yourself," he chastised me gently, even as my hands fisted and unfisted in protest against his grip.

"I'll get a hold of _myself_ when I get a hold of that _letter_," I protested furiously, trying to push him off of me. I couldn't see him in any good light for what he was doing; Tamaki was merely my biggest obstacle to conquer before getting at the truth.

I was still furious when his mouth met mine, but anger was swiftly swallowed by desire when the kiss transformed into something more intimate than lips to lips. His tongue teased the seam of my lips, and although I still considered keeping my lips firmly pursed and never allowing him a taste, I felt that was torturing myself just as well; and I had been tortured enough. Merely a few seconds of intertwined tongues had me wondering what I was angry about in the first place. And perhaps that had been his aim all along; to make me forget. As soon as I relaxed and found free use of my hands, I wove them around his neck and into his hair instead, all thoughts of the letter pushed to the back of my mind in light of this kiss. Tamaki's hand made a trail up my spine and I shuddered as he pulled away. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to breathe properly as I was suddenly doing, realizing that every gasp of air taken when the letter was my priority had been more akin to hyperventilation.

Tamaki brushed strands of hair that had flown awry behind my ears. "Much better," he said with a modicum of satisfaction, going so far as to offer me a smile. I could not return the expression, not when I was so perplexed by his uninvited yet not unwanted assault. "Are you calm now?"

I couldn't seem to find my voice, so I merely nodded and held my hand out, waiting patiently for the return of what was mine. Tamaki still seemed a little loath to unpocket the letter and press it into my open palm, but he did. He brushed his lips to my cheek as if he hoped to distract me further and reminded me, "Stay calm. Stop if it gets to be too much. Promise?"

"Promise," I mumbled, my cheeks flushing pink, and as Tamaki leaned away from me, his gaze still intent upon my frame, my eyes sought the words on the page and I greedily devoured them, seizing the secrets on the page for myself.

* * *

_It was me who killed your father. You have to understand that I didn't want to do it. Your father was a respectable man, always very friendly. We'd exchanged pleasantries on several occasions before my hand had been forced. Everyone loved your father. And I hated him for exactly that reason. My grandfather died and left Mitsurugi Group to me, and I was constantly under scrutiny. Voiced opinions of never living up to my grandfather followed me everywhere. But your father… oh, no. Your father inherited the oil company without any doubts hanging about him. Everyone knew he would be a wonderful CEO and constantly praised his efforts to better his company, while all of mine were described as follies and garnered little support._

_I never paid too much attention to him until a dinner party one night, hosted by your mother's company after the success of one of her lines of fashion. And then I saw your father and your mother there… together and happy. What right did either of them have to that happiness and noted success when all of mine were ignored and ridiculed, when I couldn't have possibly been happy? No… I had to ruin it. I couldn't bear knowing such joy existed in the world when I was condemned to live without._

_And then… you came in. You were wearing a vibrantly red dress with your brown hair in pinioned curls, glistening with sparkled pins… and I had to have you. You are desire manifested in a human body. Love I was incapable of, but desire… you were a poison on my mind and my body, devouring my senses and every thought. Nothing else mattered as long as you would one day be mine entirely, and I could suck every drop of happiness out of you and take it into me, consume your beauty and your innocence. Somehow, that would set my world right… I was so sure of it._

_Weeks of meticulous planning went into your father's murder, and all the while my only goal was you. The day the bomb went off, the city mourned a great businessman, you mourned a father, but I… I felt true joy for the first time, one step closer to you, my prize. I allowed a month to pass before I approached your mother. Your poor, heartbroken mother, who desperately needed a man in her life to help fill the void, and who better than me? Oh, I can be cunning when I want to, and your mother is weak. She was putty in my hands, easily molded to my bidding._

_And you… do you remember all those days, those few months when you trusted me completely? I would bandage your arms when I caught you cutting and watch you paint with sheer delight on your face, and still I refrained from doing what I so desperately needed. Every touch of your skin set my blood ablaze, every word from your lips its own intoxicating song. The word_ obsession_ does not come close to describing how desperately I yearned for you. To truly feel you, to be buried inside you… not even in my dreams had I imagined such ecstasy._

_So I married your mother, and found no pleasure in the duties performed as her husband… not when the only body I desired was yours. I gave her everything she could have wanted in her marriage bed; it was undeniable that she wanted me… but I couldn't fathom finding my own pleasure within her, not someone as weak and defeated as she was. Her eyes were dull and yours shone like jewels… your spirit was so fiery and hers was entirely broken. She was like a machine, and you… merely touching you gave me more pleasure than every act I performed with your mother._

_You trusted me so… and when I finally took my chance you put up no fight. How fortunate for me! To learn every crevice of your body with my hands… and you merely allowed me! The sounds you made… my skin is crawling with delight even to recall them. And I could have taken you, but no; I waited, and made sure you were scared… it would be more fun when you were scared. More of a thrill. And oh, how I wanted that thrill! Anything to feel more alive… and you made me feel so alive._

_I staved the full extent of my desires for two weeks. Such agony… and that was far more than enough for me. I ached for you. I had to have you. And so I took you. No doubt you remember? Your screams both hurt my ears and sounded so beautiful that they drove me to my peak. You begged and pleaded but never struggled… and it didn't feel the same as I imagined it would, but it didn't feel worse. And once you've tasted such a drug you need it again and again… and so I took you again and again, took your dignity and chastity and drove you to the brink of despair, and that only made it more exciting._

_But I needed more. Your virginity wasn't enough. I needed your very life, I needed the control and the power of feeling your body beneath mine as you took your final breaths… but I became too careless, and upon one instance merely the knowledge that it was I who had stifled what little light you had left entirely. Your bastard friend ruined my plans that time…_

_Your birthday was my last chance. I knew it would be the last time I would have you, and I rode you to my fulfillment again and again… but no doubt you remember. Are you screaming, Samayu? Do the memories haunt your every dream? You walk through mine… though I'm sure the image of you I have in my head is far more appealing than your image of me._

_I expected to murder you… I was so close to having my every fantasy fulfilled. You had stopped struggling – struggling! You appalled me with the fight you put up! – and every imagined scenario in my mind was at my fingers at last. I was God. But somehow your bastard friend ruined that for me as well, and condemned me to this prison cell for the remainder of my days. I hope I ruined you. Never forget me, Samayu. You are mine. You will always be mine._

* * *

Those were the last words on the page, and as soon as I tore my gaze from the letter at last, tears tumbled down my cheeks and I threw the piece of paper onto the coffee table, wishing I could give back all the knowledge I had just taken from it. The confessions of a madman all revealed for my perusal… all his secrets displayed for me to explore. And Raito was a madman… a true psychopath, and a bona fide sadist. I had always known he enjoyed my pain – how often had he laughed at my screams? But… all the rest…

I turned to Tamaki, hiding nothing in my expression to his regard. At once his eyes softened from nervous into compassionate, and he pulled me into him without the request already trembling on my lips. I burrowed my face in the crook of Tamaki's neck, praying that his scent would somehow chase away the flickering memories like a horrible picture show in my head, and finally whispered, "He killed my dad."

Tamaki's body tensed against mine, and suddenly desperate to offer me more comfort, his hands made idle caresses up my arms and then down my cheeks. He couldn't seem to find words, and somehow that was almost better. Silence was soothing, for once. With no spoken reassurances I could shoot down to satisfy my masochism, I was left to ponder everything in the letter more rationally. It had never been my fault, none of it. I had always been a victim. And while that thought should have hardly been comforting, it was.

And then… the most shocking revelation of all. I appalled myself with my sudden newfound selflessness. I didn't hate him. I mean… lord, he killed my father and married my mother solely because he had some insane fascination with me… did all those things just for the act of raping me. And I still forgive him.

How could I even begin to let go of the hatred I felt for him? I wasn't even sure at first, but with the realization that I was a victim in all of this came with the realization that it is Raito who will receive every damnation I thought I deserved. God will judge him for everything he's done… and he's done plenty, without remorse. It isn't my job to hold a grudge against him anymore. He doesn't even _exist _anymore! I'd just be wasting my energy despising a ghost.

Tamaki sighed heavily and pressed a kiss to my temple as he held out the last envelope. "Do you still want to read this one?" he asked softly, though reluctantly. "If it's too much, you could wait until tomorrow." I could gather that he was hoping I _would_ wait until tomorrow. But then, I suppose that was unsurprising, as my emotional scale was highly unbalanced at the moment and I was likely to snap at any moment. But I wanted every heartache concentrated into this one day, preferring not to spread it out. I'd take the full brunt of every agony now and save all the rest of my days for bliss with Tamaki by my side. I could only hope the last letter wasn't as terrible as the one I'd only just finished. I was very close to a nervous breakdown.

"Read it to me," I requested in a breathless plea, shutting my eyes and listening to the rustle of paper as Tamaki complied. I couldn't imagine what else Raito would possibly have had to tell me, but I was curious nonetheless. What would have happened if I had burned the letters without reading them, as I had originally wanted to…? I'd still be ignorant. Blissfully ignorant, perhaps, but still ignorant.

"My death comes upon my own request. I hired a sniper to kill me. Do not go after them. If they're true to their word, they've fled the country and there will be little possibility of locating them," Tamaki recited monotonously, as though he feared putting any emotion at all into the words would make them hit harder. "I leave you all of my possessions because of everything you've given to me. This was the very least I could do. Goodbye, Samayu."

Goodbye… the word was my release. I was free. Maybe in the letter of confessions Raito had said I would always be his, I could never forget him; I was going to try my damnedest to. I won't let him rule my life anymore. I make the choices. And I choose to bury him and all the memories associated with him.

"So what happens now?" Tamaki murmured. His breath tickled my ear and I smiled amidst my lingering tears. I knew exactly how to start purging.

"Call Otori Group's CEO, would you?" I asked, kissing Tamaki's cheek to prove to him I was going to be all right… for the very first time in my life. "I think it's high time Mitsurugi Group died out, don't you? And as a chain of hospitals, I can't imagine any group better to take it off my hands."

Tamaki chuckled and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his embrace, and I never wanted him to let go. "I love you."

"I love you too." I captured his mouth in a kiss, and as my world exploded in stars, I realized that this is everything I could have ever wanted. And it started here, in this moment of bliss… a moment that would be followed by countless others and lead me to the happiness finally feel I deserve.

* * *

Diary excerpt

_This will be the last time I write in this book. Raito is dead, I have all my answers, and I feel more human than I have ever felt before. I love Tamaki. I want to marry him. I have to get through high school first, of course, but then…_

_Despite everything I've gone through, I can't help but feel like this was all meant to happen. Everything I've endured was all for the purpose of getting here, to my euphoria._

_And I'm going to be just fine_.

**The End**

* * *

**I'm aware it says the end, but fret not! There is still an epilogue chapter, and then… well, you know ;) I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this chapter out here. I posted my last one and was really gun-ho about it, like "I'm gonna get this thing done!"**

**And then came life to get in the way. **

**School has been kicking my butt lately, guys. Graduation is close at hand and everybody is freaking out. Me included. And AP tests are just around the corner, three of which I will be taking!**

**Also, upon much coaxing from you, dear readers, and my friends I tangibly contact in the real world, I am working on modifying this into a novel. I've rewritten the first couple of chapters and have decided on names for all the characters. It can only go uphill from here! Plus, there a few scenes I didn't get to put in here that will work perfectly in my modified version…**

**So, send me some love! Review! I will miss all of you terribly. Challenge: If you've never reviewed before, shoot me one! Or if you've only ever reviewed once or twice… same thing! And if you've been reviewing this whole time, please do so again! I'd love to hit 300 by the story's very end, and I'm sitting at 245 right now. Ambitious, perhaps, but with a lemon I'm hoping not terribly so.**

**Anyway, love you all and thanks for reading! See you again as soon as life allows!**

**Phantom, out! **


	39. Epilogue, Part One

**All right, I'm back! Sorry it took so long to get this out there, but my best friend got pneumonia last week and he asked if I would write him a story. If any of you are interested in checking it out, it's for **_**The Notebook**_**, and called "My Perfect Storm." I hadn't intended for it to be as long as it was, but I was happy with the result.**

**Moving on! This is the first in a two-part epilogue that will lead to exactly where we all want Tamaki and Samayu to be. I hope you enjoy this first part as you've enjoyed past chapters, and please… don't cry for the approaching end like I am. I can barely see the computer screen. (Just kidding. I am sad, though.)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran or its marvelous characters. Very soon, however, I hope to own a highly modified and Americanized version of this story in the form of a novel. I'll give you all a bit more on those plans later. I even have a working title!**

**But first, Epilogue, part one. Enjoy!**

* * *

"What do you mean, _you're not coming home_?" I asked shrilly into the phone, hardly able to believe what I was hearing. My stomach dropped with the mere idea.

"I'm so sorry, Samayu," Tamaki apologized for the twentieth time. I could practically hear him cringing. Good. Didn't he know how he was devastating me? "We didn't resolve everything in time and now we're having another meeting tomorrow to finalize our plans. I have to push my flight home to Friday evening… I am so sorry. You have no idea how much this is killing me."

Tears of both fury and dejection were welling up in my eyes, and I shoved them away brutally. It wasn't enough that I had been eagerly anticipating his return since the day he left for France a month ago and he would be coming home a day late with this new irking development; now he was going to miss one of the most important days of my life as well. "I only graduate from college once, you know," I informed him thickly. "Can't you just…" I trailed off, having no feasible alternatives to offer.

"Samayu, you have no idea how much I want to be there. I almost smashed everything in my apartment when I got home, I was so furious. Please stop crying," he begged urgently, apology in his every syllable. He sounded like he was in pain.

I couldn't hide anything from him, even when we weren't on the same continent. Of course, we'd been together for almost six years now; he knew me inside and out, and I knew him equally. "I just… I want you home," I admitted pitifully. He knew that, of course. We spent hours on the phone talking to each other every night he was away. "It's not fair! I want you to be here on Friday to see me graduate…"

"I know, love, I know. I want to be there too," he sighed heavily. "Can you have Midori videotape it? I'll watch it the minute I get home."

"She'll videotape it regardless of your absence," I informed him, managing a smile through tears. "She's more excited for this than I am."

Tamaki laughed on the other line. I missed that noise so much. One more reason to want him home as soon as possible. "That definitely sounds like Midori. Speaking of which, how are things with her and Rei?"

"Fantastic, of course," I reported immediately, because I was absolutely certain on that.

Midori met a guy about six months before I graduated from high school, a doctor transferred to Otori Hospital from one of the surrounding cities. I had never seen two people more perfectly matched for one another. They got married last year, despite all of my joking protests that, seeing as how I'd been in a relationship over a year longer than her, she wasn't allowed to get married before I was. She countered all my arguments with the fact that she was older than me, and therefore had far less of a window of opportunity for children. Children! They'd decided a month ago to try to have a kid, and I couldn't be happier for them.

I do admit, I spent plenty of time in therapy preparing myself to meet the man who'd stolen Midori's heart, closely relating him with Raito for no other reason than he was in a relationship with my mother (adopted, but still). It took two months for Midori to introduce Rei to me, and all those therapy sessions seemed absolutely pointless quite suddenly, because I absolutely loved him. He was great, and not in the way Raito had been great before his marriage to my biological mom, but in an entirely different way. He tried to keep his distance, aware of my awful prior experiences, and I didn't want him to. I liked talking to him about school and his work. I could hold a real conversation with him about things that existed outside our immediate activities, share with him aspirations and theories. With Raito, our exchanges had been all recounting daily happenings… never true conversation.

"Are they having any luck with getting pregnant?" Tamaki inquired. He seemed strangely interested in the idea of having children. It made me a little worried about how many he wanted… I assumed we would have a child together eventually, but that seemed so far away to me when we weren't even engaged.

"No news so far, but I hope so," I replied, wiping remaining tears out of my eyes. I made one final and meager attempt at pleading, childishly hoping he would hurry home if he heard how pitiable I sounded. "Are you sure there's no way for you to be home on Friday?"

He let out a long sigh. I could just see his face in my mind. He was probably grimacing, running a hand through his gold hair as he searched for words that would appease my aching heart. "No, honey, I don't think so," he said apologetically. "I'll do anything you want when I get back to make it up to you. I really am so, so sorry."

"I know," I mumbled, knowing he would be able to hear my pout in my pathetic tone. "I miss you. A lot."

"I miss you, too. More than you can know. I have to go; there's an early dinner party starting in a little bit and my father expects me to get in good with our associates before I leave… and you should go to bed. It's late where you are."

"I know." I waited eagerly until ten o'clock every day for his phone call. A seven hour time gap between Japan and France was a real pain to work around, especially when Tamaki had early afternoon meetings where he was, but we were adamant about staying in touch. Every day when he got out at three he'd call me here, when it was ten, and we'd talk for an hour or two before he reminded me I needed my sleep and we said our goodbyes. Reluctant to hang up the phone, I sighed discontentedly, "Good night, Tamaki."

"Sleep well, my love. Three more days and we'll be together again; I promise," he vowed, and I would hold him to that with every cell in my body. But oh, how I wished it were two like it was supposed to be! Then perhaps my heart and body wouldn't ache so much for his embrace when he tenderly reminded me, "I love you."

"I love you, too," I replied, not merely as a reflexive response. I loved him. I've loved him for six years. And with our conversation through, I hung up the phone. It was my turn to hang up first this time; I had refused to be the first several times in the last month, but I was afraid I would burst into further tears tonight if we drew out our farewell sentiments longer than necessary. How I missed him! It was like a pain in my chest that refused to ease!

I looked around the apartment nostalgically. Tamaki and I had moved in together two years ago, and seeing as how I no longer had any desire to stay in the college dorms, refused to impose upon Midori and Rei as they, at the time, had been living together and planning their wedding, and loathed the idea of moving into an apartment with a few girls from school, Tamaki and I had decided, what the hell. We knew very well that this was where we'd end up eventually, so why bother holding out any longer?

In all honesty, it wasn't an apartment so much as a penthouse, overlooking the downtown area sixty stories below. The height both frightened and amused me. When I was bored, I could sit and watch the world go by, watching the streets with fascination, everything so tiny from my viewpoint. But after a nightmare, which I still suffered from on occasion, the height felt foreboding, as though I was all alone and would never escape my tower, imprisoned like a tragic storybook princess. Sometimes I was disgusted by my own childlike naivety – I was 22 years old, damn it! – but, as Tamaki so often pointed out, I had a right to be when much of my childhood had been stolen by tragedy.

I was often pestered by my few friends at University about my boyfriend, about our sex life. I couldn't blame them for making such assumptions, seeing as how we were living together, but my relationship with Tamaki thus far had not extended past kisses, however passionate. He didn't treat me like porcelain anymore, or course, but he was always very careful not to overstep boundaries laid in place several years ago by my stepfather. Girls in my class talked about guys attempting to grope them while kissing on the _first date_ (not usually met with the desired enthusiasm, thank goodness) – Tamaki and I had been together six years, and the closest he had come to touching my chest was on some nights when he pressed his ear against the pulse point just below my throat and listened to my heartbeat as we fell asleep.

We had separate bedrooms, and for the most part slept in our respective beds, although there were always exceptions. Anytime one of us spent a few nights away, upon our return we'd usually share a bed, typically Tamaki's, as though we were trying to compensate for time apart by sleeping side by side. Upon his homecoming, I doubted we'd be sleeping alone for at least a week.

And then there were the nightmares. Usually they came when I was particularly stressed over schoolwork, and I would wake up screaming with Tamaki bolting for my bedside to calm me. During exam weeks he didn't allow me to sleep alone, because they were the most stressful weeks. The only place the nightmares didn't come when I slept was in his arms.

This is why the last few days in particular had been hard on me. I had finished my finals two days earlier, but without Tamaki to ward off nightmares during those straining times, I had woken up nearly every night screaming and been forced to calm myself with no outside help. I had found a coping mechanism, or enough of one. I would crawl into Tamaki's bed and hold onto scant bits of his lingering scent, cocooning myself in blankets and pillows to pretend he was holding me.

Once again, childish. But it was the only way to keep terrible illusions away in sleep.

Tomorrow I had graduation practice and then a pre-graduation party to deal with. I hadn't wanted to go to the latter, but my two friends from University had coerced me into it after much pleading and threats to kidnap me anyway. Renge was a loudmouth sociology major I had taken a surprising liking to as we suffered through our core biology class freshman year, entertaining me with complaints, and Colette was a French exchange student whose easel was set next to mine in my core art class when she arrived at the college two years ago, an art major who had slowly grown on me. Her seascapes had amazed me.

I was a double major, which had amounted to a more than stressful four years, striving for degrees in both literature and business. Business because I was inheriting a major oil company and a fashion empire eventually, and literature because I was attempting to write a book, a story mostly based off my life about a rape victim and the boy who helps her heal. Tamaki was still baffled by my decision to leave art as a hobby and pursue degrees in other things, but he supported me throughout the entire process. And now it was finally paying off – I was receiving my diploma in two days' time. Pity my boyfriend wouldn't be there to see it. I'd been in the front row when he'd received his diploma last year in business management, clapping until my palms were red and sore and cheering like a madwoman.

I felt so cheated.

I didn't even bother attempting to spend the night in my own bed, much preferring the comfort of Tamaki's. Sleep had seemed elusive to me when I hung up the phone, but even the upset of finding out he wasn't coming home wouldn't keep slumber away when my head hit the pillow. I succumbed willingly, praying for dreams of a happy ending to this sad development. I knew in the long run it would be a small incident, but right now, for me, it was an enormous injustice, and I simply wanted good dreams to relieve the hurt for a while.

* * *

The pre-graduation party wasn't nearly as fun as Colette and Renge had told me it would be. I considered drinking to liven things up a bit, but Renge was at the bar the second we arrived at the club that had been reserved for the purpose of this senior festivity, dragging Colette with her, and I figured at least one of us had to be sober to keep rationality alive. So I sat at the bar and sipped at a virgin piña colada, watching my friends get totally hammered to keep myself entertained. Renge was, for lack of a better term, more or less a sexual predator when drunk, and admittedly a whole lot less annoying; she usually rambled for what seemed like hours about social conventions and their various effects, a side effect of her chosen field of study, I supposed. Sociology sounded incredibly boring. Now she had nothing to say on any cultural subjects; she was much more interested in finding a guy to ravish her. I made a mental note to watch her when she slipped onto the dance floor, as I knew she would, to make sure she didn't end up with some low-life like the last time, when she'd woken up hung-over next to a music major who could barely remember his own name, let alone hers, with no recollection of the events of the previous night.

Colette was, if possible, even more entertaining. She was usually very quiet, but when intoxicated she spoke a lot of French, most of which she assured me were curse words, when offended – which was easily – and highly more likely to try new things than usual. Last time we'd gone clubbing she'd ended up table dancing, which did admittedly get us kicked out of that particular club, but still. It was pretty damn entertaining to listen to her cuss what I could only assume was colorfully at the bartender who threw us out in rapid-fire French.

I rarely had more than a couple of drinks, and always capped it at three. I had never gotten totally smashed and had no immediate plans to. The headaches that came after nights with even a little intoxicated haziness were more than enough for me, and I wasn't too intent on being hung-over _ever_, let alone the day of my college graduation. Colette and Renge had weighed in several times on what type of a drunk I'd be (according to Colette, an angry drunk like her, and Renge was positive I'd be a party girl) but as I had never gotten completely hammered, there hadn't been any chance to prove either theory.

I'd complained about Tamaki not coming home in time for my graduation to the girls on our way to the club, and it was rather entertaining to watch as they broached the subject of boys and then start sympathizing rather strongly with me, whose boyfriend wouldn't be attending my graduation. Colette went so far as to curse the French businessmen, telling me she was ashamed of her nation's well-to-do for not settling things when they were supposed to. And then she wandered off and got into a friendly round of poker with a bunch of education majors, and I tacked on another mental note to rescue her before she went broke, as she had never played poker before and lost twenty dollars within the first ten minutes.

Renge was well-to-do as I was – her father owned an airline company – and she had spent some of her childhood in France, so she was equally disappointed, but that was all she said on the subject before she decided to indulge a timid physics major's request for a dance. When I checked back on her five minutes later, the two were making out among the throng of other intoxicated dancers.

I let my friends do what they wanted, and mainly kept an eye on Colette to ensure she didn't end up gambling away her life's savings, but to my shock she got lucky and won a match, cashing in on a few hundred dollars (although a fourth of it was probably money she'd lost in the first place) and pulled her out of it quick before she could get back in. A couple hundred extra dollars would definitely come in handy for her, when art was such a difficult career to pursue and she had informed me long ago she expected to live paycheck to paycheck as she waited for what she termed her "big break," as though she was going into show business rather than submitting pieces to art galleries in hopes that she'd be discovered. The concept was entirely foreign to me, as I've never worked a day in my life for money, but she was perfectly fine with that.

The party was dull if you weren't drunk, and I seemed to be the only one not intoxicated, aside from the bartender. After a while I just gave up trying to find someone to have a decent conversation with, a drunk psychology major trying to stick his tongue down my throat being the last straw, and once I'd slapped him I ended up sitting at the bar with my laptop open, watching the clock in the bottom corner creep to ten o'clock eagerly as I attempted to work on my book. Each paragraph was laborious when there were so many distractions, but I set my sights upon the end of another chapter and did my very best to finish it.

I shut my laptop off and slipped out of the club a few minutes before ten, waiting for Tamaki's phone call.

But it never came.

I panicked at once, devising all sorts of tragedies. Car accident. Bridge collapse. God forbid, a bomb like the one that had taken my father. Oh, god. Tears flooded my eyes to merely consider the thought of Tamaki gone, never to return to me. What would I do if I could never hear his velvet voice again, he voice that could rouse me from any nightmare and soothe me of any fear? And his embrace… what if I could never know the sensation of his arms around me again as he held me to keep me calm…? What would I do without him if something had happened? I couldn't live without him; I knew that. He's my everything; my whole world. I couldn't bear to lose him… if I did, I knew I wouldn't be far behind him. I saw no point in living without a reason… and he was it.

I went so far as to pull out my phone and check the news for any tragedies in Paris or the surrounding areas, but there were none. The biggest thing that happened in Paris today was the birth of quintuplets, evidently. And while that irritated me to no end for unexplainable reasons, it was also slightly reassuring. Surely _that_ wouldn't take precedence over some terrible tragedy in the headlines.

I hurried back inside and yanked Renge off some theater major, the physics major evidently having been abandoned, and gathered Colette and her poker winnings from her seat at the bar, deciding they'd both had enough. I ignored their protests, firmly pulling them out of the club and to my car. Sure, Renge put up a fight now, but I knew she wouldn't want the memory of her graduation day marred by a one-night stand she could remember nothing about, and Colette would be damn happy for an extra (according to her calculations) 254 dollars when she woke up the next morning, meager compensation for her sure to be massive hangover. I will never understand drinking yourself to such a state, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.

I dropped my friends off at their apartment and frantically called Tamaki's phone, but it went straight to voicemail. I proceeded to call his father and even his mother, but his father's phone was also off and his mother didn't answer hers. Trying not to dwell upon several accidents that could have befallen my boyfriend, I drove home fighting tears as I considered life without him… hardly a life. My mind considered silence if he was gone. A month had passed already, and I was desperate for the days when I would wake up to piano music stretching to fill the silence of our apartment, and evenings he would lull me to sleep with my song or lullabies wrapping around me and easing the tension of life.

To say I suffered a panic attack once home, after two more phone calls to him that went straight to voice mail, would be an understatement. I thought I was going to die from lack of oxygen intake, my breaths harsh and shallow, before I finally regained some semblance of control and managed to do all the necessary pre-bedtime preparations before collapsing into Tamaki's bed, sobbing when I imagined his absence being forever, not merely a few more days.

I felt so alone and abandoned. It was the first night in a month that I went to bed without his reassuring "I love you." For a while I even entertained horrible thoughts that he was with another woman, giving the sweet sentiments he reserved for me to her. He was with her, that's why he hadn't called… I hadn't questioned his intent to stay with me for a long time, but with him two continents away and having no contact with him, my pessimistic mind drew the worst conclusions.

I prayed that night, to God. It wasn't something I did on a normal basis, but I was desperate for some pittance of comfort, and if putting my trust in an intangible being who was supposed to listen to prayers when they were spoken would offer me that, I would gladly take it… no matter how silly it felt to plead into empty air for my boyfriend's faithfulness as I slipped into sleep at last.

* * *

I was shocked when I eased into consciousness the next morning having suffered no nightmares at some point in the night. Maybe God had listened after all and offered me peace of mind. I thanked Him just in case and rushed to get ready. Midori and Rei were treating me to breakfast in celebration, and I didn't want to be late.

After breakfast, Rei left me and Midori to ourselves for the day to do some window shopping and see a movie before I went home to change into something more formal to prepare for my graduation ceremony. I had calmed down slightly about Tamaki, but only slightly. Midori listened to my worries with sympathy, but she was certain nothing bad had happened. My unfortunate past kept me from believing her, but it was nice to hear someone tell me everything was fine regardless.

The ceremony was long and somewhat tedious, what with speeches given by the school president, various teachers, and students (I myself had been asked to write and give one, but I'd declined wholeheartedly, not interested in having several hundred pairs of eyes on me). And then, finally, the presentation of diplomas came, but I was forced to sit through hundreds of students before me, watching them receive theirs as I waited for my name to be called. Stupid alphabetical order. If they'd done it by GPA, I'd have been one of the first ones on that stage.

And, after a few hours of that torture, when all speeches had been given, diplomas received, and pictures taken, that was it. I was officially a college graduate with a degree. I was starting my training with the current CEO of Yojin Oil next week, a man who was about two years from retirement who was going to prepare me to replace him. My life was starting. It was a terrifying thought, but not in a bad way.

I rushed to Midori and Rei, grinning like the world had been given to me. Midori was crying, though she claimed she was overjoyed, and Rei had congratulatory sentiments to spare. They hugged me and kept repeating over and over how wonderful it was and how hard I'd worked and good lord, Samayu's an adult now, where did the time go, before I heard it.

"Congratulations, Samayu."

I whirled around and at once burst into tears of relief. I was so overjoyed to see him that I forgot to be mad at him for disappearing on me. All I knew was that I had to be in Tamaki's arms right this second, and I threw myself into his embrace with the intent of never allowing him to let me go again. Tamaki's smile only widened as I nuzzled my face into his chest, clutching desperately at his suit jacket to assure myself he was real and I wasn't simply imagining he was here with me.

"Samayu, honey, why are you crying?" Tamaki asked, seemingly amused, as he stroked my hair. "This is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life."

"It is!" I insisted tearfully, wrapping my arms around his waist and clutching his body close to mine. That's when I remembered I was supposed to be furious. The feelings simply wouldn't return, but I still demanded an explanation. "How are you here? You could have at least called me and told me you were coming!"

"And spoil the surprise?" he asked in mock horror, wiping tears away from my cheeks.

"I was worried half to death when you didn't call me!" I accused, holding him closer still. "Do you have any idea what you put me through?"

He chuckled and brushed a flyaway strand of hair behind my ear. "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"You'd better," I pouted, and with another laugh he caught my lips with his, and the celebration and commotion around us fell away until the only people that existed were us two. I didn't allow him to be reserved, teasing him with my tongue on his mouth before he succumbed to my desires and slid his past the seam of my lips. I don't know how long that kiss lasted. Minutes? Years? The apocalypse could have come and gone and I' have been entirely ignorant of it. This was all that mattered.

I whined in protest when Tamaki pulled away, and he groaned half-heartedly when he saw my look of yearning. "I wanted to do this properly," he admitted, and I had no idea what he was talking about. As I eyed him curiously, he slid his hand into his inside jacket pocket and added, "But I love you too much to wait."

And I watched, slowly realizing what was happening, as he knelt down on one knee.

"Oh, my god," I whispered. I had no idea what to do.

He opened the small velvet box to reveal a sparkling engagement ring to my regard, holding it out to me in offering. "Samayu Yojin, you are the most beautiful, intelligent, talented person I have ever met," he began, and tears started rolling fast down my cheeks. I couldn't help it. "For the past month I've woken up every day without you, and it has only intensified my certainty that I cannot bear to live a life without you in it. I want to spend the rest of my life making you just as happy as you make me. I vow to love you every day for the rest of forever, if you'll let me. I love you, Samayu. Will you marry me?"

I had started nodding halfway into the actual question, and the minute the final word was past his lips I was trying to say yes, but my voice wasn't working and no sound came out. Steeling myself, I got control and gasped, "Yes. Yes, I'll marry you. I love you. Oh, god, you make me so happy!"

And he slid the ring, my engagement ring onto my finger with reverent adoration, kissing my knuckle with a feather-light brush of his lips before I couldn't take it anymore and kissed him again with a voracious urgency. This is the man I love. This is the man I am going to marry. This is the man I am going to spend my life with.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

****Seven months later****

The wedding was a week away. I could hardly fathom it. Seven days, and Tamaki would be inarguably mine forever. I loved the thought. I wanted to be married to him right now.

But, unfortunately, there were certain things I needed to take care of first. Not wedding ceremony preparation wise, necessarily, but honeymoon-wise. I knew where we were going and everything – Italy – but there were certain things I needed to be sure of before we departed. I was by no means a virgin, but I'd never had sex before (I didn't count rape anymore, as of a rather liberating psychology appointment four years ago) and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Tamaki was a virgin and I was as good as… how did we go about doing certain things that married people did? The word _consummating_ made me flinch whenever I heard it, whether it was referring to marriage or otherwise.

And so, while it was wildly embarrassing, I went to Midori. We sat in her kitchen on her day off (her belly swollen with child at five months pregnant) and I finally got the worries that had been festering in my head out.

"I guess first I'm worried about… will… will it hurt?" I asked, blushing over my coffee mug and fighting off humiliation that was coming in waves.

Midori didn't seem to think this was an odd question. "Not like losing your virginity," she replied calmly. Her nonchalance put me a whole lot more at ease. "But after six years, it will probably be a little uncomfortable. But I don't think you have anything to worry about there. You'll adjust quickly."

"How will I know what to do?"

Midori looked thoughtful for a moment. "You just go by what feels right," she finally decided. "Let Tamaki take the reins at times, but if anything he does hurts you, put a stop to it and try something else. Sex can be the most pleasurable experience of your life if you approach it properly." A blush erupted over my cheeks when she spoke those words, but she remained unfazed. "Just relax, Samayu. Tamaki doesn't want to hurt you. In fact, he's probably just as worried as you are."

I hadn't thought about that before, but she was probably right. That did make me feel a little better. Neither of us knew what we were doing. We'd learn together. We'd teach each other. And Tamaki would _never_ hurt me.

"What if I… I freak out?" I whispered. That, more than anything, was what I was worried about. "What if I can't?"

"Then Tamaki will respect your space and give you time to be ready," Midori said firmly. "He would do anything for you, Samayu, and if you're not prepared for such physical intimacies he'll give you all the time you need. But, if you're really worried, here's my suggestion: don't close your eyes. If you can see him as he makes love to you, your stepfather won't come anywhere near your psyche. You'll be too overcome by your love for Tamaki to give him any thought."

It really was good advice. I could only pray I'd be strong enough to follow it.

* * *

**I know it's short! I'm sorry! But it sets up everything that needs to be set up, and you all know what's coming in part two. Anybody out there find Renge funny? I thought sociology was perfect for her, to be honest.**

**Anyway, here's your chance to weigh in before I start writing the last chapter – do you want it in Samayu's POV or would you rather it be narrated omnisciently? That way you could catch glimpses of what's going on in Tamaki's head, too.**

**Again, if any of you are interested, go check out my **_**Notebook**_** fanfiction! It's long and sweet and I actually wrote my first lemon in that oneshot. Call it practice for the next chappie :)**

**So, I promised you a little info on my Americanized version of this story… Samayu's name is changing to Julia Cathedral and Tamaki's to Caleb Frost (anyone else see the irony? Haha). My project name for it is "The Cathedral Diaries." I'm not very creative with titles, obviously. I have names for all the other characters, too… if you really want to know some of them for specific characters, I'll message you.**

**Final point of discussion: I'm thinking of another Samayu x Tamaki fic. Similar premise, more trauma, a bit AU. Would any of ya'll read that? Once again, if it's killing you to know how it's different and similar, shoot me a message and I'll get back to you on that. Love you all and thanks for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


	40. Epilogue 2: The Wedding Night

**Well, here it is. Last chapter, big finale. I know you know what that means. Due to a few responses, omniscient narration it is. I kind of expected that, of course… ya'll just love it when Tamaki gets his viewpoint in, don't you? I considered even writing it in his point of view, but since this is Samayu's big emotional redemption, that seemed kind of like a backwards way to approach things.**

**I feel there are some things I must mention. If you'd rather be pleasantly surprised by how I approach this, just skip this note... but something really important to me was that I didn't want to write smut, I wanted to write about lovemaking. I've read so many lemons by now, and all the ones I liked didn't use the "technical terms" because for me, all that was just awkward. You can get your message across perfectly well without the actual words, and that's what I'm trying to emulate here.  
And there will be plenty of acts, of course, but this is going to be an emotional ride. We're trying to cure a rape victim, here, and there will be plenty of trepidations on Samayu's part... and how Tamaki acts in a situation like this is completely up to interpretation, although I am very particular about his attentiveness and gentleness. So, emotional is a given... but I'm trying not to go overboard. Balance is very important to me.  
Honestly, I just wanted to give all of you the best ending possible, and I hope I've achieved that here. So please enjoy Tamaki and Samayu' s wedding night; I've worked a long time on it.  
All typical disclaimers apply, as I still own nothing. Enjoy this, my dears.**

* * *

After a fifteen hour flight to Rome, Samayu was absolutely exhausted. She had slept for most of the plane ride on her new husband's shoulder, but not very comfortably, despite being in first class. Even with seats that reclined, airplane chairs were simply not suitable for restful sleep.

Tamaki had not had such qualms. He had been perfectly content to sleep on the plane ride, waking up only occasionally for a meal and to grant a few chaste kisses to his new wife. They both knew there would be plenty of time for more passionate displays. With an almost month-long honeymoon across Europe, it seemed to Samayu that they had nothing but time.

Exhausted as she was, however, Samayu's nerves kept her awake. She didn't expect to sleep for a while; not tonight. Perhaps she wasn't a virgin, but physical intimacies for pleasure were entirely foreign to her, and she was just as apprehensive as any virgin bride.

Had it already been a day ago that she had been walking down the aisle of that lovely little chapel in all her bridal splendor, clutching a bouquet and blushing beneath her gossamer veil to behold the utter adoration in Tamaki's eyes? She'd replayed that scene so often in her head that it seemed _minutes_ ago, not hours. The ceremony had been tedious; it wasn't long, but her body had been tingling the entire time for the need to touch the man about to become her husband. But she'd refrained, even as his hand on hers as he guided her wedding ring onto her finger had sent tingles dancing up the length of her spine. She'd shown similar reservation in bestowing Tamaki's ring on him, but the minute she'd heard the words, "You may now kiss the bride," she'd all but thrown herself into her husband's arms and kissed him as though it were necessary for her salvation.

The reception had come after and there had been customary displays of newlywed affection; tender, reserved kisses for the regard of their guests, sharing their first dance as a married couple before Tamaki's mother claimed him for a song and Samayu consented to a dance with Rei in lieu of the traditional father daughter dance. They had stuffed cake into each others' mouths per time-honored convention and Tamaki had removed Samayu's garter as a blush erupted over her cheeks. He'd tossed it into the crowd of male guests at the same time Samayu tossed her bouquet to the women; Mori had caught the garter and Renge the bouquet, and because Renge was good natured and had gone through a few glasses of wine by that time, they took tradition one step further and watched Mori slide the garter onto her leg. Out of the two, he had seemed far more embarrassed by such a display.

And finally, Samayu had been allowed to change out of her wedding dress and into something much more practical, a green dress and a jacket, and when she'd returned Tamaki had been relieved of his tuxedo and had donned khakis and a button down shirt, far more sensible attire. They'd clambered into the car as their wedding guests threw rice into the air like confetti and at long last, they were off to the airport, off on their honeymoon, off to start their lives together.

Samayu was still in a state of bliss, but apprehension was taking root as she stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror of the small house on the outskirts of Rome. The Suohs had an abundance of homes in several countries, and this was one of the smaller, cozier ones, which Samayu appreciated. She wouldn't have been comfortable spending her wedding night in a mansion with servants around every corner. The privacy was a huge help to her already rampant nerves.

She didn't look tired, she noted as she examined her reflection. Her makeup was a little smudged and her hair tousled, but otherwise she thought she looked fine. Her cheeks were entirely pink with a blush, but that was to be expected. This was it, she kept telling herself, and yet she could still hardly believe it. She was going to go out of the bathroom, which she had escaped to trying to collect herself, and into the bedroom she would share with her husband, and they would mark each other in ways only a married couple could…

She gripped the porcelain edges of the sink and took several long, slow inhalations, trying to slow her pounding heart. It refused to decelerate, and after a few minutes she realized calming breaths weren't going to help her this time, not when she was so nervous. There was excitement, too, but nerves were prevalent.

Samayu almost jumped out of her skin when she heard three soft knocks on the bathroom door and Tamaki's concerned voice called through the barrier, "Samayu, honey, are you all right?"

Damn. "I'm fine," she called at once, turning away from the mirror. Her heart rate had jumped just with that small shock. She hadn't considered the consequences of spending several minutes locked in the bathroom scrutinizing her reflection. Her cheeks flooding pink, Samayu abandoned her efforts to calm herself and opened the door, slipping out into the bedroom.

She found Tamaki kneeling in front of the fireplace, coaxing it to life. She liked the fireplace setting. Their apartment was modernly designed with an electric fireplace that was more for show than warmth, but this… this was an old-fashioned hearth. This was _cozy_. She had to admit that whenever she considered her honeymoon with him, she imagined it in a room like this. Old-fashioned with no technology save the electric lights, and the clocks and lamps on the bedside tables.

Tamaki looked up immediately when she came into the room. She had been as quiet as a mouse; her bare feet scarcely making a whisper against the carpeted floor, but her presence permeated the room. He always knew when she was near, and he only ever wanted her closer. He smiled to regard his new wife, hardly able to believe her beauty. He was sure every man on the planet considered his wife to be the most beautiful woman in the world, but he had no doubt of it. Samayu was ethereal in beauty – the loveliest creature in existence. And now she was inarguably, indisputably _his_, which only intensified his love for her.

He had chosen Rome as their first honeymoon destination for this cottage specifically, knowing Samayu would adore it. He'd even studied extensively on how to light a fire in a hearth quickly and effectively, all for her. He'd nearly burned himself several times, but to see the light in her eyes as she watched the flames grow and dance made all that effort worth it. She loved it, and that was all that mattered to him.

He stood and faced his wife – he could never grow tired of reminding himself! – and she came to him without any summons, wrapping her arms around his torso and hugging him close to her. He wished her hair were down, spilling over her shoulders so he could run his fingers through it, but she still had it pinned up. "You are so beautiful," he sighed.

She looked up at him, her emerald eyes shining. "Are you using your old host club lines on your wife, Mr. Suoh?"

He laughed. It was a common joke between them, but she had never addressed him as such before. Playing along, he kissed her forehead and said sincerely, "I would never use lines on you, Mrs. Suoh."

Samayu let out a soft giggle and then grew silent. There was a trepidation Tamaki had not quite encountered before in her every breath, and nuzzling her face in his chest, she mumbled embarrassedly, "I… I'm nervous."

Tamaki let out a long, slow breath, the tension in his chest loosening. It wasn't only him, then. He had thought perhaps that she wouldn't be as apprehensive of what came with the wedding night, since she was more experienced than him to some small extent, but it seemed he'd assumed wrong. Embracing her softly pulsating body – she was shaking, he'd only now noticed it – he confessed, "So am I."

His body was aching for hers, but still, he was nervous. A consequence of his virginity… he wished he could be entirely calm and collected, but it was impossible when so many trepidations lingered at the back of his mind, although he was primarily worried for Samayu and how she would cope.

His admission put Samayu somewhat at ease. She reminded herself of what Midori had told her a week ago, about Tamaki being just as nervous as she was. They'd learn together, she reminded herself. They'd teach each other.

Fears faded momentarily as Tamaki kissed her, slow and soft. Oh, god… was this the beginning? But even as her mind raced with the thought, Tamaki broke the kiss and said gently, "You don't have to do this now. Not if you don't want to."

Not want to? Her body was throbbing for him. As far as she was concerned, she was going to shove fear aside and seek fulfillment, no matter how many doubts she harbored. "But… I want you," she admitted without shame, though such a brazen statement tinged her cheeks in pink. "Don't you… don't you want me?"

Tamaki almost laughed out loud, but choked it back for fear she'd take his amusement at her question the wrong way. "Want you?" he repeated. "Samayu, my body throbs to merely look at you. _Want_ you? I'm _aching_ for you."

She shuddered and looked up into his eyes, her green gaze meeting his purple. Lord, his eyes were violet pools she could get lost in forever. "What are you thinking about?"

Her inquiry seemed so simple, and yet it set Tamaki's blood aflame. He let out a shallow breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and rested his forehead against hers, carefully choosing his words. "What am I thinking…? You expect a simple answer? My mind is reeling… considering the things I want to do to you. I'm not ashamed to tell you that I've been imagining them for a long time now."

Samayu's curiosity piqued and she was unable to deny herself the question immediately on her lips. And so it began… this wasn't a bad start, necessarily. Not the way she'd imagined… But then, she hadn't imagined this intense ache for him, either. "Tell me, Tamaki… What _would_ you do to me?"

Tamaki identified her game almost at once. Overjoyed to have an identifiable starting point, he gazed into her eyes with hunger in his stare. Samayu felt his eyes like they were penetrating deep into her soul, and his words made her shudder with pleasure. "I would undress you slowly, never touching… not until you were bare before me. And I would revere every inch of you, branding the sight into my memory before I dared to touch you… I want to explore you everywhere, memorize each indentation and crevice with my hands and my fingers… and then my mouth, until I knew each texture of you… every _flavor_ of you…"

His words affected Samayu as equally as they affected him, and her skin erupted in tingles as though she had just experienced everything he had just described to her. She felt an aching emptiness spread from her center and she arched her body responsively into her husband's, finding herself wishing dearly for such a fantasy to become reality… wishing that such events had already transpired and she was listening to mere recollections.

Perhaps her expression of exhilaration was taken as one of mortification to Tamaki's regard, as his arms around her loosened and he vowed quickly, "But I would never do anything that would make you uncomfortable, Samayu. If you're not ready yet, _please_ say something. I couldn't bear being the source of new anxiety for you."

Samayu shook her head. "I don't know how to do anything. I've avoided thinking about this for so long because I thought I'd be afraid. But… I'm not. And everything you just described… I want that. I want _you_. You're my husband and I love you, and I _want_ you."

"Samayu…" Tamaki almost surrendered, and the moment he gently pulled his body away from hers his entire frame shuddered with the longing to be near her again, and worse yet, she looked hurt. And, despite every fiber of his being begging him not to, Tamaki offered her one final opportunity to refuse. He could only pray she wouldn't; it was taking all of his restraint not to ravish her where she stood. "If you only say this out of some wifely duty to your husband, it's all right. I would never push this on you…"

"You're not pushing anything," she insisted at once, pleading to him with her expression. "It's true that I don't know much about what we're going to do… but I want you to teach me. And I'll teach you what little I can. I want you. I do."

Tamaki let out an involuntary sigh, silently offering a prayer of gratitude. He would not have to suffer this ache for much longer… Adopting an abruptly confident air, reassuring himself over the fact that he was a husband about to take the right to his wife's body, he undid the last few buttons of his jacket and slipped it off, tossing it carelessly over the back of an armchair in the corner.

Shivers assaulted Samayu's body as she considered that this was it, the real beginning. Her breath caught in the back of her throat as her knees began trembling so violently she wasn't sure they could hold her weight much longer. Was it normal for her entire body to be shaking? Was her pulse supposed to be racing the way it was? And even more so… was it wanton that she only wanted to touch him, to _explore_ him, as he had said he wanted to do to her?

Her hands trembling, Samayu brought them to her hair and began removing pins until her brunette locks cascaded around her face in soft curls, tickling the back of her neck and brushing against her shoulders. Her skin seemed charged with electricity; tingling all over, and every touch from anything at all sent jolts up the length of her spine.

Tamaki waited for her to discard the pins on the bedside table, savoring each subtle curl and marveling over her beauty further before he dared to approach her, caressing her brow with one hand before trailing it in a path that maneuvered around her eye before he cupped her cheek. "What are you thinking?" he asked softly, using her earlier question.

She smiled, her eyes shining with adoration. "I love you."

He couldn't take it anymore. He brought his free hand to her other cheek, cupping her face delicately between his palms before his fingers slipped into her hairline and entwined into that mass of unbound silken waves, tugging her closer by them until he could claim her mouth. The kiss was slow and gentle to start, but he coaxed her mouth to move against his until she was displaying equal passion, and his tongue slipped past the seam of her lips, savoring the taste of her.

Samayu edged nearer until her arms could wind around him, her fingers sliding into the gold hair at the nape of his neck. She could feel herself melting against him as his tongue explored the contours of her mouth, kissing him back with that same urgency and need. A kiss to start, just like she'd always imagined. It grew more fevered until she was forgetting every lingering shyness, all apprehensions stolen by passion as Tamaki's throbbing hardness pressed against her. As she arched willingly into it, she felt the low rumble of a moan in his chest.

"Samayu," Tamaki gasped out, breaking free of the kiss yet keeping her body close to his for just a few seconds more, marveling in the way she seemed to fit so perfectly against him. Without another word spoken, he pulled away from his wife and encircled her where she stood, halting behind her and lifting her long hair so it hung over her shoulder. With a deliberate slowness, he took the zipper of her dress in his fingers and pulled it down, pausing when the green material parted to display the nape of her neck. He leaned forward and placed a tender kiss to that sensitive place, his lips cool against the heated flesh there, making her shiver with delight.

He made her feel so beautiful, as though she was an angel and he was willing to fall in reverent adoration at her feet at any moment… not just now, as he slowly unzipped her dress and kissed her, but every second she spent with him. He made her feel cherished, and oh, how she loved him for it! She smiled as the zipper reached its ending point and, with a shrug of her shoulders, the gown tumbled down in green waves to pool at her feet.

Samayu froze when she remembered what such an intimate picture would reveal, a secret she had never shared. As Tamaki started to turn her to face him, her limbs went rigid and she managed to find her voice enough to protest, thrust from passion's warm embrace into the cold grasp of timidity and shame. "Tamaki," she gasped urgently, and he tensed to hear the protest in her tone.

At once, he released her. She mourned the loss of his touch immediately. "I'm sorry." Apologies poured from Tamaki's lips as an immediate response, jumping at once to the conclusion that he'd alarmed her, that it had been too much.

She shook her head, forcing herself to remain where she was and not turn to regard him as she wanted to. He'd see them if she did. "No… I'm sorry. It's not what you think it is. It's… there's something I never told you before. About my… cutting." It had been a long time since either of them had given any thought to her former blade addiction, the last incident with one having been a little over a year and a half ago when Tamaki had gotten home late during her finals week, and alone she had been overcome, feeling like the stress was too much to bear.

Tamaki's eyes went at once to her arms and legs, although there were no telltale marks there. Dear god, what was she trying to tell him? Panic spread through him at once. "Are you alright?" he asked, rushing to her, desperate to see her eyes.

"I'm fine!" she exclaimed, jolting when she heard his approach and turning away from the noise so that he still could not see her properly. "I used to cut more than just my arms and legs," she admitted feebly, fighting against threatening tears. "I have more scars than I let you believe. I never told you because you never asked, but now…"

Relief. Tamaki had been sure she was going to tell him she'd cut herself again during his month-long absence and that was what she'd been trying to hide. But scars were all in the past, and he wouldn't love her any less for them. Surely she knew that? Slowly, Tamaki extended his arm and lightly placed it on his wife's shoulder. She shuddered, but didn't make any attempt to move away, and Tamaki pulled her into him again and requested softly, "Let me see."

Samayu sucked in a deep breath, suddenly aware that she was standing in front of her husband wearing only her undergarments in a way that she hadn't been before, the thought stolen with the onslaught of shame. Trembling, she turned around and allowed Tamaki to glimpse the full extent of the scars from her cutting days, several parallel, faded white lines trailing from beneath the swell of her breasts down to her belly button. As he regarded the flat expanse of Samayu's flesh he sighed compassionately, "Oh, my love…"

"I'm sorry I never told you," Samayu whispered, a tear breaking free and traveling in a curved descent down her cheek. "I was just so ashamed of it."

Lost for words, Tamaki chose action for his response. Quite abruptly he fell to his knees and leaned forward to press reverent kisses to Samayu's marred flesh, and she let out a gasp of surprise and squirmed as heat flooded her belly. Desperate to hide exactly how overwhelmed she was, Samayu focused her eyes on the fireplace, trying to concentrate of the dancing flames through eyes that were half-closed, her breaths coming in short gasps. Her legs felt like jelly; if not for Tamaki's firm hold on her waist, keeping her upright, she was certain she would have fallen to the ground in a pool of desire by now.

Despite her best efforts to hide how she was overcome, Tamaki knew without a shadow of a doubt the effect he was having on her, and it pleased him so intensely he almost forgot who it was who was doing the seducing: him or her? Daring to tempt her further, he allowed his tongue to dart past his lips to taste her skin, trailing a wet path down the flesh of her belly until he reached the end of the scars and continued the trek up the other line of faded white marks.

Samayu's entire body arched into his grasp, little cries falling from her lips before she could even think to stop them. The velvet wetness of his tongue as he licked at her skin only made the warmth within her build, and she shivered audibly when he tilted his cheek, grazing it against the scarred flesh of her belly before he pulled away, mumbling inaudible adorations. She felt the chill his warm mouth had left in its wake and let out a small mew of delight, barely a sound, but Tamaki savored it and relished the fact that he had elicited such a noise from her lips – him, a virgin who more or less had no idea what he was doing!

Tamaki regarded her expression, delighted by her hazy stare. She was lost in desire for him, and his body throbbed further with the need for her. But no; not yet. Time was a luxury they could definitely afford tonight, and Tamaki was eager to explore every nuance of this new, overwhelming passion between them and learn just what the relationship of a married couple was supposed to be like.

With a patient slowness to every motion, Tamaki reached his hands around Samayu's frame, tracing the material of her bra until he found the clasp. Some light pressure and a tug, and it came apart. Tamaki was almost shocked by how easy it was… he'd heard countless stories from his college friends that bras were impossible to manipulate, never coming away with the desired ease and making what should have been a fluid, provocative task into a very awkward moment as the girl attempted to help get the garment off.

He looked into his wife's eyes as she allowed him to slide the garment down her arms and away from her body, tossing it carelessly away from them in any direction that wasn't towards the fire, and only then did he allow his eyes to lower.

Samayu was amazed by the seriousness of his expression as he sucked a breath through clenched teeth and studied her. This image would be ingrained in his memory for as long as he lived, and he didn't want even the tiniest nuance to be ignored. He took his time to appreciate every detail of this moment, when time seemed to be standing still for only the two of them…

Samayu took in a strangled breath after several moments of complete silence and practically begged her husband, "Please say something."

But he couldn't. Words were incomprehensible, nonsensical. How could he begin to fathom speaking when his mind was so hazy with longing for her? No; instead, he reached out and trailed his hands in a delicate path up her ribcage to her breasts.

Samayu held his eye for two reasons; the first that she wanted him to know he had her full permission, the second that she was following Midori's advice. She wanted no part of this night to be interrupted by her most unpleasant memories, and refused to allow herself to think of anyone but her husband as they made love. She still tensed in anticipation for his touch, but she found she wasn't afraid like she'd thought she would be.

As Tamaki cupped the weight of her breasts in his hands, Samayu took in a sharp breath. To her shock, no horrific flashbacks overwhelmed her; there wasn't even the flicker of a memory. Oh, god, there was only Tamaki and his gentle touch, and even though she'd promised herself she wouldn't think about it, she couldn't help but make the comparison between the way Tamaki touched her and how Raito had once touched her, and oh, god, compared to this bliss, her stepfather's touch had been absolute _torture_. She couldn't suppress the cry that came when Tamaki's thumbs barely slid across the tips of her breasts.

Such a sound encouraged Tamaki, his body throbbing as he dared to touch the tips again, this time with slightly more pressure, pressing his thumbs more firmly against them. Half watching Samayu's expression and half engrossed in the ministrations of his fingers, Tamaki pressed his palms over the hardened tips, and she gasped and arched into his touch with a look of desperation on her face. Concentrating on her nipples, he stroked and manipulated, smiling to himself to hear the cries his caresses elicited from her, unbridled and uninhibited cries that were as beautiful to him as any music.

Samayu felt as though she couldn't breathe, the desire was so consuming. Somewhere in the throes of passion she thought about his fingers, those adamant musician's fingers that she had marveled at so many times as they danced across the piano keys… and now he was manipulating _her_, giving her all the attention his favorite instrument usually received. Lord, she was so lucky! She'd been through hell as a teenager, but it had led to _this_!

Wanting only to please her further, with half a smile still present on his lips, he dared to take one of her breasts into his mouth.

Her cry resounded throughout the room. "Tamaki!" she shouted, arching up to his tempting mouth. His fingers manipulated one of her breasts still as his mouth devoured the other, and Tamaki's tongue encircled the tip with a gentle pressure that drove Samayu positively mad with yearning. He pulled away for only a moment, switching the attention of his mouth to her other breast, and Samayu considered shamelessly begging him never to stop. Tamaki's endeavors only grew in fervency as she writhed against him, and urged by her passion he gently nipped her with his teeth.

Tamaki couldn't take much more of this, aching so deeply to have her. Finally, pressing a lingering kiss to one breast's fullness, he pulled away and stood on legs that trembled, capturing Samayu's mouth in a fierce kiss. She met him with equal fervency, her hands fumbling for the collar of his shirt, blindly undoing the first couple of buttons and sliding her hands within the material, desperate to feel his skin. Tamaki drew his hands to his shirt and assisted her in undoing the buttons, his mouth never once leaving hers apart from short breaks as they gasped for air.

Samayu shoved his shirt away from his shoulders and off his body entirely, never hesitating to press her palms over the flesh of his chest, splaying her fingers wide to cover as vast of an expanse as she could, running her hands along his skin with a sigh. Her touch burned him in the most incredible way Tamaki could have imagined. Her warm fingers seemed to brand him to his very soul, marking him as hers, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

She yelped with surprise when Tamaki swept her up into his arms and carried her to the bed, laying her delicately atop the sheets as though she were porcelain. Kneeling at the side of the bed, she trustingly held his eye as his fingers found the waistband of her final piece of clothing, and she lifted her hips and allowed him to draw it off of her in one fluid motion.

Tamaki let out a soft sound to see her completely bare before him, raking his gaze over her in caresses Samayu could feel as tangibly as if it was his hands running along her body, and the adoration in his gaze stole the timid part of her begging to cover herself with her hands, her arms, anything.

Tamaki moved to sit at the foot of the bed, hesitantly lifting one of his wife's feet into his hands, curling his fingers around the arch and, on an impulse, laying a reverent kiss to the inside of her ankle with humbling adoration. With a feather-light tough, he ran the tips of his fingers along the inside of her calf and to her knee, delighting in her shudder as he reached her thigh.

That sensation of not being able to breathe was crashing over Samayu all over again. Her lungs wouldn't seem to work no matter how she gulped at the air. Tamaki's expression told her everything she needed to know about how tender he would be and how much he loved her, but as his fingers grazed the very inside of her thigh, over the highest scar there, she saw Raito. It was just a brief flash, gone within a millisecond, yet it was still enough to jar her. But she refused to let it stop her… refused to utter a cry of fear. Panting partially with need and partially with the fear that had come with the flicker of a memory, she timidly parted her thighs for her husband.

Tamaki desperately wanted to look at her expression, but he was too focused on watching his hand as his fingers grazed that most aching part of her, finding the delicious heat and wetness.

Samayu squirmed, trying to pull away with a timid blush. There were no memories flickering to the forefront of her mind, but this intimacy was… not unpleasant, certainly, but strangely embarrassing. She made little wordless noises of protest, trying to sit up and push Tamaki's shoulders way, but the weight of his body on her bare legs kept her motionless, leaving her with no choice but to acquiesce.

Still, he paused long enough to catch her eye, seeking permission. Samayu, entirely humbled by the desperate pleas in his eyes, inhaled sharply and nodded. He captured her lips in his briefly in an endeavor to calm her nerves. Once he knew he would have no further arguments, he focused his attention back to the ministrations of his fingers on her eager, willing body. Watching with avid fascination, he carefully parted the folds to admire that most sacred part of his wife.

Samayu let out a strangled cry of shock, not having quite fathomed his intentions, a shout that was part desire and part protest. He was driving her mad with yearning with his motions and at the same time frightening her as memories swam dangerously beneath the surface of her mind. Desperate to keep tears at bay she forced herself to look at Tamaki's expression, and what she saw there caused memories to vanish beneath passion's wave.

Tamaki had seen so much beauty in his lifetime; architecture, nature, art, countless and magnificent works. But this was the most emotionally stirring, most entrancing sight he had ever beheld. Samayu, his _wife_ and the love of his life, willingly baring all of herself to him. This was sacred and special. In all of his life, he would never forget this moment.

He looked up briefly to see her eyes locked on his, and growing bold in his eagerness to please her, he leaned in closer with trepidation in his every movement until he could press his lips to her wetness.

She gasped in spite of herself, having braced herself for the contact but still not quite prepared. "Tamaki." She breathed her husband's name with passion and uncertainty both in every syllable, and even though Tamaki had promised both himself and her several times before that he wouldn't do anything that made her uncomfortable, he couldn't bear to cease.

"No, not yet. Please don't make me stop," he begged her shamelessly, pleading desperately to her with his expression. "I'm not hurting you… I'm being _gentle_. _Please_ let me continue."

A few more deep breaths and she nodded, to Tamaki's great relief, and he returned to his seduction with gentle care, cautious to read her reactions and cause her no further trepidations. Though he was delicate, she jolted as if a shock was running through her very veins. Her body arched both nearer to and away from the kiss. He was amazed to know it was he who had caused such a reaction, and it made him eager to earn more. With a delirious sigh and a small prayer, he let his tongue free and teased her with the tip. She tasted like the sweetest honey he could have imagined, and he could hardly believe that a woman so beautiful and perfect, whom he loved with every fiber of his being, wanted him in return.

Samayu writhed against the mattress, unable to fathom anything at all apart from Tamaki and the deliberately teasing strokes of his tingling tongue as he tasted her. She loved this man; dear god, how she loved this man! No one had ever made her feel such overpowering sensations before. She cried out countless times with breathless passion, shifting restless hips that never broke contact with her husband's mouth. She arched and his tongue lingered on the place that only intensified her passion, and Tamaki glanced at her expression to see only lust and yearning. Her fingers dug into the sheets, fisting the material in her palms as though they were her anchor.

Dizziness and need were overwhelming her, higher and higher until she simply could not hold onto reality anymore and she felt as though she were weightlessly floating upward as awareness evaded her. One final, vigorous assault of his tongue and she was plunging over the edge of passion with a shrill cry. The pleasure was so intense that she could fathom nothing else, not even her husband as he pulled his face away and languidly began stroking her with his fingers. Reality began to come back slowly in flimsy streaks to her mind, still hazy from her release.

When he could see awareness creeping back into her eyes, Tamaki placed a final adoring kiss to the inside of her thigh. He lifted himself away from the bed, removing his remaining clothes as fast as he was able, desperate for fulfillment after watching that passionate display. He couldn't hold back much longer.

Samayu watched with contented eyes, running intangible caresses over her husband with her gaze as she watched him disrobe, observing his body for the first time. She pushed herself up into a sitting position. Seeing him bare had not brought upon the onslaught of memories she had expected, and her curiosity piqued beneath desire. She drew herself up on her knees, her hair cascading over her face, as he approached the bed, placing her hands on Tamaki's bare shoulders and pulling him closer to her so she could kiss him. As she seduced his mouth, her tongue this time being the one to slide past his lips, she released his shoulders and allowed her hands to explore, trailing them with slight hesitation down his chest and stomach until she could fully touch him. Tamaki moaned against her lips as her hand closed over the male hardness of him, fisting his hands in her hair.

Samayu could barely believe what she was doing. Raito had never done anything similar to this to her, never seduced her womanhood or required her to stroke the length of him as she did to Tamaki. She curiously moved her hands up and down his shaft, intrigued by the smooth texture of him and the way he throbbed and grew harder in her grasp. She had no memories to compare this intimacy to, and therefore she knew no trepidations associated with her past.

Tamaki leaned his weight against both the bed and his wife, barely able to stand upright beneath her glorious ministrations. Her hands were soft, her touches almost innocent, and even though he was burning on the inside he allowed her to continue until he was at the edge and could truly bear no more. Gently, he pulled away and guided her to lay back on the bed, climbing atop it with her and watching her expression as he carefully lowered his body atop hers.

He kissed her with every spare bit of fervency he had left, desperate to distract her as he eased himself into her wet, aching body. As if kisses could keep nightmarish memories at bay! This was where they came, fast and horrifying, and Samayu whimpered once before her eyes shot open, regarding Tamaki, not Raito atop her. Her husband, not her torturer. She relaxed as much as she could, she concentrated on his lips and the way his hardness was filling and stretching her. Her hips dug into the mattress beneath her.

Tamaki's intention had been to go slowly, but when he felt her heat and wetness surrounding him, he couldn't bear to hold back. With a murmured reassurance against his wife's lips, he thrust into her in one, fluid movement.

She jolted and gasped. It wasn't painful; no. Midori hadn't been wrong about that. It felt unnatural at first, uncomfortable, but her body adjusted quickly to the intrusion and she slowly relaxed her tensed muscles. One flash in her memory of Raito and then… it shattered. All of them shattered.

"Are you alright?" Tamaki asked hoarsely, forcing himself to remain still within her no matter how it tortured him to do so. She met his gaze with a haziness he could not decipher at first, but she slowly nodded and arched her hips invitingly.

Relieved, Tamaki kissed her once more and began to move, meeting the motions of her hips and thrusting gently in and out.

Her fingers clutched at his shoulders as their motions grew in fervency, and Samayu could barely comprehend the moment, moving as one with Tamaki, her husband, with no memories to taint the perfection of this moment. She cried out with every motion and heard his moans, and the knowledge that he was approaching pleasure right alongside her was enough to send her over the edge again, passion and pleasure washing over her in overpowering waves.

Tamaki found his fulfillment in the contractions of her body as she reached hers, driven there by every sound she made and the feel of her body against his. With a resonant groan, he shuddered violently and found ecstasy within her body.

After a few moments the pleasure from their climaxes faded, and barely able to gasp breaths, Tamaki brushed Samayu's hair out of her face. Her body was hot and fevered against his, and he brushed a crystalline tear away from her cheek as he asked with a tender voice, "Samayu… are you alright, sweetheart?"

She burrowed her face in the crease of his neck. Wet tears struck his skin, and he felt the crippling fear that he had hurt her as she whispered, "Oh, god…"

"What is it?"

"I… I didn't know," she cried. "I didn't know it could feel like this. So… so perfect. I feel _complete_. Like I've been empty all this time and I'm only a whole person with you, right here, in this moment."

"Oh, honey," Tamaki breathed, laying kisses to her brow and holding back tears of his own. She was perfect. "I love you," he sighed softly, stroking her hair with one hand. "So much."

They stayed that way for several minutes, arms and ankles entwined, clinging to one another and still joined as one, making the moment last. Finally, Tamaki climbed off of Samayu and wrapped his arms around her, molding her flesh to his and gently telling her to sleep. When he felt her muscles relax and her breaths came slow and steady, he sighed and followed her into slumber.

* * *

Italy had been beautiful. Spain was even better, Samayu thought when she and Tamaki returned home from a long day of sightseeing. Barcelona was filled with such wonderful architecture, and she had been desperate to see as much of it as she could. But now, alone with her husband at last, it was time to put aside the beauty of the city and focus entirely on another sort of beauty… one that could only be attained with his cooperation.

She rolled her eyes when Tamaki shut the door and turned to her, smiling teasingly. "And now, my wife, what would you like to do?" he asked, even though the glint in her eyes told him very well what she wanted.

She was upon him in a moment, wrapping her arms around his neck and weaving her fingers in his hair, kissing him with incredible fervency that sparked the desire in Tamaki's chest into an inferno, raging in his core until he couldn't stand it any further. She had gotten good at manipulating him in the past few days, and he could only think if she was going to entice him with sex every time she wanted him to agree with her, he was going to be following her every whim until the day he died. And he loved her for it!

After a long minute of kissing she decided it wasn't enough and her fingers went fitfully to the collar of his shirt, desperate for skin. He broke off the kiss and grabbed her wrists, not in an attempt to make her cease but to help speed things along when he gasped out hoarsely, "Bedroom. Naked. Now."

Samayu laughed and let herself be pulled along to their bedroom in the Spanish cottage, discarding clothes on the way_. Happiness_, she thought fleetingly before Tamaki shut the door to their bedroom and kissed her again as they traveled towards the bed, falling backwards onto it. _This is happiness. This is my husband, and I love him, and I am happy. This all I could have ever asked for_.

* * *

****One Year Later****

"Twins!" Samayu grinned, hanging up the phone and turning to her husband, who was waiting in anticipation for the news behind her on their friends in America. "I told you for sure that Hikaru and Haruhi would have twins, and guess what – they _did_!"

Tamaki looked shocked for a moment and then groaned. "Is it too late to call off our little bet?" he asked sweetly, approaching his wife with intention to kiss her, hoping to entice her to get his way.

She laughed and pressed a finger to his lips, shaking her head. "Not on your life. We made a deal. You said there was no way they'd have twins, and I just knew they would. You said that if I was right and Haruhi and Hikaru had twins, then _I_ get to name the baby."

Tamaki sighed good-naturedly and fell to his knees before his wife, his hands on her hips as he kissed the subtle swell of her stomach where their child was growing. "I did," he conceded, and then spoke to their baby, "Pray that Mommy doesn't name you something ridiculous, sweetheart. I've seen her lists."

"Oh, stop it," Samayu smiled. "You can name the next one if you're so upset."

Tamaki froze, his eyes wide, as he looked up at his wife. "The next one?" he asked in shock. "Darling, I can barely fathom this one and you're already discussing another child? Give me some time to adapt!"

She laughed as he stood up and caught her lips in his. Pulling away for a moment, her eyes dropped to her stomach and she asked softly, "What do you think our baby will be? A boy or a girl?"

"I don't care," he told her in earnest, his hand on her belly. "Although I do know one thing; our child had better look like you."

"Me? Whatever for?" Samayu inquired, her cheeks turning pink. And how Tamaki savored each blush!

Pressing a kiss to her brow, Tamaki murmured, "Maybe if our baby looks like you, you'll finally realize just how beautiful you yourself are."

Samayu giggled and shook her head. "You want a girl, don't you?"

"Don't you think it'd be nice, having a darling little princess running about the house?"

"Yes," she said without hesitation. "I think it would."

Tamaki kissed her again for a moment, and then paused as he pulled away. "There is something I would very much like to do," he confessed coyly. "Which I have refrained from doing since we found out you're pregnant…"

"Oh, thank god!" Samayu laughed in relief, having been praying this was where he was headed. "I thought you were determined not to touch me until this kid was born!"

"Will I hurt you? Or the baby?"

She pressed a feather-light kiss to his nose. "No, Tamaki. You won't hurt either of us."

"To the bedroom, then?" he asked, sweeping her up in his arms as she laughed and nodded. Another couple months and her belly would be too swollen with child to carry her like a storybook princess, she thought as he carried her to their bedroom, but she was fine with that. Tamaki would love her more and more with every inch her midsection gained as the baby inside of her grew, and as he laid her on the bed and pressed kisses to her stomach she laughed once more before he claimed her mouth in his. Oh, how she adored him!

Happily ever after? She thought later as she curled into Tamaki's side, her body already missing his inside of her. No… this was only the beginning.

* * *

**Thank you so much for following this all the way to the end! If I could send all of you cookies, I would! I never dreamed I'd ever finish this story, and if it weren't for you guys and all your support I'm sure I would have dropped it twenty chapters ago!**

**So, this is the last chapter, and I want more than anything to know what you think! Please review? It would mean so much to me!**

**And so, this ends the story of Samayu and Tamaki. I'll get to work on converting the story as soon as possible! In the meantime, I have other fanfictions to attend to and maybe a new Samayu/Tamaki story to start, who knows, we'll see! So check out some of my other stuff and once again, thank you all so, so very much! I truly love you all, and thank you for reading!**

**Phantom, out!**


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